If you could give one piece of advice... - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 69 Old 06-03-2010, 12:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MissinNYC View Post
II question the ethics of adopting a child with a loooong waiting list of good, kind, loving parents when you can create just that type of child yourself. I don't think adoption is a plan B at all. But I think it's similar to saying you choose not to breastfeed so you are going to use donor milk, which is in high demand.
Breastmilk is an object, a thing. High demand or not, babies are not objects.

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Originally Posted by MissinNYC View Post
But I don't see how it harms the child's interests to prioritize infertile couples. Can you explain to me how it does?
It legitimizes the idea that an adopted child is a balm for infertility. A reward for loss. A compassionate way to make up for a-parents' pain. It makes the child more of an object to give to parents (out of pity, out of compassion, out of duty) rather than a child who is matched for no other reason than the choice of the placement parent/agency and the parenting characteristics of the a-parents.

In the scenario of prioritizing infertile couples, one of the things that bothers me most is that it would be a system new PAPs would encounter as they entered into the idea/world of adoption. Seeing the process (or motivation) of adoption from the beginning as such an adoptive-parent-centered focus could be really damaging to the whole trajectory and arc of the adoption experience (much in the way Tigerchild lived and explained in previous posts).

If PAPs enter adoption and see that their infertility earns them a golden ticket, then it sets up the structure for thinking in very parent-centered, rather than child-centered, ways about adoption, the adoption triad, attachment, and all sort of other very important (and often difficult to grasp) issues in adoption. People can p-shaw it all they want, but again and again as a PAP and adoptive parent I have run smack into the truth of "it's not about finding a child for a family" and have really had to reevaluate my motivations and feelings about adoption and adoption issues. I can't emphasize that enough...just learning, again and again, that this process wasn't out there to serve me, or to give me the best timing, but rather to make sure each child, as he or she arrived, was given a family they deserved.

I firmly believe that it's healthiest for children and PAPs to encounter a system where nothing earns you a golden ticket...where good parenting, loving parents, and a stable family are the ONLY things that earn you a ticket at all, and that ticket (or homestudy) puts all families on a level playing field (or should at least...the domestic marketing stuff is creepy to me). When PAPs enter a system and realize that they can't control the outcome based on some "special" (better/more deserving/etc. etc.) quality of their background, I think that humbling experience is just what's needed to begin overcoming the entitlement and superiority many PAPs (and APs) bring to the table. Adoption is a big-time learning experience, and waiting is a big part of that experience. Being judged on child-centered qualifications is a big part of that experience. People shouldn't be able to flash their infertility card and be fast-tracked to a baby...that sets up too much of a baby=reward or baby=balm mentality that I think is very harmful to the baby as well as the PAPs.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#62 of 69 Old 06-04-2010, 10:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MissinNYC View Post
Well, that;s ridiculous, really.
It's not ridiculous. Giving babies to infertile couples because it's the compassionate thing to do turns babies into objects/prizes.

Ready-for-anything mom to Sonora (11), Lidya (8), and Ruslan (6), foster mom to my awesome nephew Nate (20)
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#63 of 69 Old 07-09-2010, 01:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
To be honest, the idea that some people actively persuing adoption truly cannot *imagine* why anyone would want to adopt a child if they could have a biological child deeply frightens me.

Though maybe I'm reading more into that that I should. Oldbies know my personal background on this one (I was adopted by a couple deeply scarred by their infertility experiece, amonst other things, that was never resolved--and I always felt responsible for not being able to heal their pain as well as very distinctly aware that I was second best at best)

Tg.
This is one reason why I want to adopt (foster system) first (if I even ever do decide to have bio DC or not). I don't want my adopted child to feel like a second choice. I want them to know they were my first choice all along.

Happily married to DH for 6 years, in process to foster-adopt 3 children DD4, DS3 and DS2. We may be bringing half brother age 9 one day as well! We are not infertile, we just have decided that since there are precious children who need homes there is no need for us to have biological children.

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#64 of 69 Old 07-09-2010, 12:00 PM
 
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I have always wanted to adopt. I've also wanted bio children. If I can do both, I will. I don't feel like I have a right to do either, it will be a fortunate priviledge.

But I really want to remind people here that there are plenty of healthy infants available for adoption. These children don't have long lines of infertile couples wanting to adopt them. Why? Because these healthy infants have a skin color that's not the one that most prospective adoptive parents want.

Moreover, I question the use of the term "healthy infant" when so many infants who are classified as "special needs" due to drug exposure turn out just fine. For example, many if not most cocaine exposed infants develop normally when placed in stable, nurturing homes.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/27/health/27coca.html

These are things I've learned through my journey... Things that when I began the adoption process I did not know or think about.
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#65 of 69 Old 07-09-2010, 12:50 PM
 
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Repeat after me....

"Why do you want to know?"

If you adopt a child of another race or just have nosy neighbors, this is the best response to intrusive questions.

Walking to raise money for Apraxia - feel free to join me if you are in the area or donate http://www.apraxia-kids.org/southjerseywalk/juliefoxx
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#66 of 69 Old 07-11-2010, 01:23 AM
 
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My 7 yr old was adopted from Guatemala at 11 mos of age, and I am currently in the process of trying to adopt a preschool age child from US foster care. I am single.

I do not resent parents who choose (actually mine was a choice as well. I am single, but fertile as far as I know). It is interesting to read the comments that have been posted from all different viewpoints.

I think this illustrates one other thing that is true about adoption. Be prepared for all kinds of people to have all kinds of opinions about your adoption. Since dd is adopted internationally, there are some that think there is wrong as "US children need homes" (I won't get into all the problems I have with this line of thought, just using it as an example). There are some that think I shouldn't have been able to adopt as a single parent There are some that think it was fine for me to adopt one, but I shouldnt be able to adopt 2. The list goes on and on..but I think you get the point.

Also, the other thing that I dont think is addressed directly but definitely indirectly here is be prepared to wait, wait, and wait. Be prepared for delays when it makes no sense to have delays. Be prepared for things to seem very unfair to everyone (adoptive parents, kids, birthparents) at times...and lastly, be prepared for it all to be worth it!
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#67 of 69 Old 07-11-2010, 01:05 PM
 
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"Be prepared for all kinds of people to have all kinds of opinions about your adoption. "

This is so true.
Some opinions are interesting and valid but some are just completely wacky.
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#68 of 69 Old 07-12-2010, 01:39 PM
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Just a side question. Are there really that many agencies that still have "waiting lists"? By that I mean do they really list you in order of when you started the process? I have done 2 open adoptions, the birthmother picked us in both situations. There is a "list" of potential parents but not a waiting list that has any order to it. I honestly didn't think agencies did this any more.
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#69 of 69 Old 07-12-2010, 02:42 PM
 
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PMG - I don't believe they do for domestic but for international, some countries it's just first come, first served.

Walking to raise money for Apraxia - feel free to join me if you are in the area or donate http://www.apraxia-kids.org/southjerseywalk/juliefoxx
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