Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: A little stone house
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I think the idea of scattered skills and attachment levels is huge. You may not like the newborn/toddler stage much, but imagine a child who has never had a secure attachment, or normal development, arriving in your house at three or four...
You may end up with a child who is three or four, but who needs to build up all that newborn/toddler work anyway. And instead of being a cute, cuddly baby who can easily be worn, held, cuddled, etc., you'll have a toddler who is full of energy, opinions, and can easily get away from/thwart your efforts.
It is incredibly frustrating, tiring work to try to build the attachment of an older child. My daughter came home at 10 months and even THEN it was a challenge (because, among other things, she was an early toddler and fiercely independent). There is something very unnatural about it all, and I found I was not very well adapted to building attachment in a child that could be so active, opinionated, and work against my efforts. Babies don't do that. As much work as a baby can be, they are primed for the work that needs to be done at their developmental age (attachment, learning, etc) . Once you skip that, then everything can be out of order.
So yeah...no matter what you think you're "skipping" by adopting an older child, do your research. You may not be skipping it at all. Many, if not most, of the adopted children I've known have needed their time as the baby of the family...if not in physical work, then in emotional effort. It's a long, long road for a lot of kids and parents, and asking them to assume the role of oldest/older sibling just isn't fair. They're new to this family thing, yk?
Also, don't have time to get into it now, but there's a fair bit of information out there on disadvatages to the current siblings in the family as well. No matter how a kid might say they want an older brother, what they probably want is an older playmate. It's very idealized in a child's mind what this "older sibling" will be. Once they're in the thick of it, and suddenly not where they thought they were in the family structure, the fit can hit the shan.
RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~