"can't get approved for adoption" ? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 97 Old 09-03-2012, 12:53 PM
 
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Thank you for starting this thread! I have learned so much through reading it and it has helped me feel more confident about looking further into adoption. I am one of those people who say something along the lines of "I can't adopt" (I normally say 'adoption isn't for us', or we wouldn't be approved by most agencies), although I don't go around just spouting that. It's always in response to people asking me or DH why we "don't just adopt" when people find out we are doing fertility treatments. In our case the reason we believed we couldn't was because I take anti-anxiety medication for a mild case of PTSD (without the medication I have occassional panic attacks, with it I have been 100% fine all the time) and I occassionally see a psychiatrist to keep tabs on the med situation. We formed this thinking from hearing it all over the place online (I think this is part of those spreading myths that you were talking about) and we looked into several agencies who either listed no history of being on anxiety medication or needing to be off medication for a certain number of years. After that the situation felt hopeless to us so we stopped looking into it. I know after reading this thread, I'm definitely going to be more careful in infertility forums when talking about why we had thought we'd automatically be denied from most agencies.


Anyway, the point of my comment aside from the thanks for making me really think, is that I know for me and DH, saying we "can't" adopt is almost a defense mechanism for us, and one that is easier than going into a long explanation of why we chose the path we did. We've been outright told that we're bad people for not adopting or "saving a child" when so many children in the world need homes, and that maybe we're infertile because God meant for us to save one of those children. While I wouldn't bring up our struggle with someone just out of the blue, especially someone who didn't already know our situation, it's possible that some people who have heard the things we have so many times feel like they have to justify their choices (even though they don't), even to people who haven't asked, because after hearing something so many times it can feel like everyone is judging even when they aren't. I don't know if I'm making sense here. The only comparison I can think of, although maybe not the best one, is the formula vs breastfeeding thing. Someone who chose to use formula may automatically feel that they have to justify their choice to someone who breastfeeds because there are a lot of people who will automatically judge someone for not breastfeeding even if that specific person is not one of them. Sometimes it can feel like you have to prove that you're not a bad person for doing something different (even though that's not remotely true), whatever your reasons are. After experiencing what we have, as soon as we even hear the word 'adopt' our defenses go up, and I'm sure we're not alone. It's definitely not an excuse for someone to expect you to play therapist for them, but it may be why it is happening.


Nikki crochetsmilie.gif, partner to Jeremy guitar.gif. Baby Joshua Nolan is finally here after a many year struggle with infertility. I blog at www.loliecraft.blogspot.com. dog2.gifcat.gifhamster.jpghamster.jpg

 

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#92 of 97 Old 10-03-2012, 10:09 AM
 
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When I say I "can't" adopt, I mean I can't afford it.  I could probably be approved, and at some point I will probably try to be approved and figure it out, but the reality is that I will probably have to stop halfway because I will run out of money.

 

Meanwhile, my health insurance covers extensive (traumatic, intense, painful) fertility treatments at almost no cost to me.

 

I will not participate in a system that takes children away from their mothers because of poverty and poverty related issues. I am aware that it's cheaper, but I will not adopt a child whose mother did not consent to it free from coercion by the state or by her own poverty. That doesn't mean I am simply unwilling to adopt, giving up, spreading misinformation, fooling myself, or any other thing. It means I cannot afford to adopt according to my own ethical standards.

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#93 of 97 Old 10-03-2012, 05:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mamma Mia View Post

 

I will not participate in a system that takes children away from their mothers because of poverty and poverty related issues. I am aware that it's cheaper, but I will not adopt a child whose mother did not consent to it free from coercion by the state or by her own poverty. That doesn't mean I am simply unwilling to adopt, giving up, spreading misinformation, fooling myself, or any other thing. It means I cannot afford to adopt according to my own ethical standards.

 

Would you adopt a child who was removed from birthfamily due to abuse? Neglect? What should happen to those children?

 

Do you think a parent who hits their child, prenatally exposes their child to drugs/alcohol, or lives in filthy/dangerous conditions does so simply because they are poor? Thats a pretty big insult to poor people everywhere. Heck, my own family has an income below the poverty level but you can bet *I* am not running a meth lab out of my home, allowing a boyfriend to rape my daughter, leaving my infant child alone for a long period of time in a car in cold weather. No matter how poor i get, it wont force me to set an infant in a tub of too-hot water and then not seek medical care for that child.

 

I realize addiction is a big issue, as is mental illness. But you cannot help people who do not want to be helped. Services were thrown at the bparents of my children left and right and in the end they STILL were unable to parent the children for various reasons. The state has really LOW standards...basically provide for the basic minimum needs of the child. Poverty was not the issue in any of the cases. (Granted, had the parents been WEALTHY they mightve been able to hire a private lawyer which may have helped turn the outcome in their favor, i dunno. I would not be able to hire a private lawyer myself either, financially. I sat in court for the entire 5 mo long trial for the last kids and from what i could tell all the lawyers present were competent counsel and the judge went above and beyond to make sure the legal rights of the parents were protected (which is why the trial took so long.)

 

Where i live, the decision to terminate...and the adoption process...are totally separate. The judge does not terminate based on whether their are homes ready and willing to adopt. So me adopting a child does not "support the system" that removes parental rights...it just provides a home for a child that needs one.

 

Years ago, before i was ever a parent, a friend of mine said that if only the foster care system would take the money they give to the FP and instead give it to the bio parents, then they could keep their kids. As if the kids are taken because they dont have a place to live, or need more food on the table. That is so naive, and not at all what i've seen in my experience.


Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
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#94 of 97 Old 10-03-2012, 05:44 PM
 
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Everybody has their differing standards. Personally, I wouldn't feel good about adopting a child who HADN'T been removed from their birthparents' care for good and sufficient reasons - and poverty is not a good and sufficient reason, nor does our court system treat it as such. Children in foster care are the children in my community who need adoptive homes. And since I can have babies, I would not be comfortable pursuing the adoption of an infant when so many other women who are infertile or have serious health or genetic issues that preclude pregnancy are waiting to be matched for infant adoption.

But I'm not sure MamaMia was talking about those kind of ethical considerations, Perhaps she was alluding to international adoption? Assuming (incorrectly) that parentless children in other countries could all get their families back if our country just gave their country money?
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#95 of 97 Old 10-03-2012, 05:52 PM
 
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But I'm not sure MamaMia was talking about those kind of ethical considerations, Perhaps she was alluding to international adoption? Assuming (incorrectly) that parentless children in other countries could all get their families back if our country just gave their country money?

 

I would think so except she said that it was "cheaper" to adopt that way so i assumed she meant foster care adoption. And if thats not what she meant then she completely left foster care adoption out of her post.


Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
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#96 of 97 Old 10-04-2012, 06:56 AM
 
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Then don't say you can't.  Say you choose not to.  I would never say I "can't" adopt internationally because I have ethical issues with international adoption.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamma Mia View Post

 

I will not participate in a system that takes children away from their mothers because of poverty and poverty related issues. I am aware that it's cheaper, but I will not adopt a child whose mother did not consent to it free from coercion by the state or by her own poverty. That doesn't mean I am simply unwilling to adopt, giving up, spreading misinformation, fooling myself, or any other thing. It means I cannot afford to adopt according to my own ethical standards.

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#97 of 97 Old 10-06-2012, 07:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Mamma Mia

 

It's all about priorities. If you want to afford an adoption, then you will find a way. There are tax credits, grants, loans, and fundraising programs to reduce or eliminate the costs of adoption. There's even a new book out now that gives specific examples of how to afford adoption: http://www.amazon.com/Adopt-Without-Debt-Creative-Adoption/dp/0983539820 (I haven't read it yet and can't vouch for it but it sounds like it gives some solid financial advice.)

 

About fostercare adoptions: even if you believe that the majority of children in the system are there due simply to "poverty" and should remain with their bio parents, there are some parents who do actually abuse or neglect their children. That's reality. To ignore that fact is to discount all the experiences of foster children who have the physical and emotional scars to proove that you're generalizations about fostercare are wrong. How dare you define their reality for them. They have lived it. They have experienced the trauma. And how dare you call your refusal to acknowledge their need for permanent adoptive homes "ethical."

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