Bonded with 1 adoptive child, not the other - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 44 Old 07-29-2010, 08:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by junipermoon View Post
Oh the other thing is, sometimes attachment disordered kids DO get abused, emotionally rejected, or scapegoated their adoptive homes--I've definitely struggled not to scapegoat my child...so, while on the one hand, you don't want to judge families for having differences between bonding levels and parenting styles between kids, it's not impossible that there are real problems with what the parents are doing...so...I think you just have to keep an open mind and heart for parents and child...and hope for the best.
Such a good point
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#32 of 44 Old 07-31-2010, 06:57 AM
 
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Just chiming in to say that we've been in the family in question's shoes, sort of. I have two sons, one adopted internationally at 2 years old and our second, adopted domestically at 9 days old. Bonding with the baby was quick and easy and painless. Bonding with our older son, now 4.5 years old, is still going on. It took a full year before I actually even felt like his mom. I loved him but it was rough in ways I never expected. Violence, anger, rejection, shrieks of utter terror for hours a day, having to restrain him as he flailed and screamed, having him be adorable and cuddly then suddenly scratching at my eyes, biting my nose and punching me in the neck... and the worse part? He would only do it behind closed doors and only for me. Even my own husband didn't believe me. He swore he bonded with DS immediately and didn't understand where my attitude was coming from. Many people were upset with me when I vented about DS and my God was it isolating. He was just so charming and lovable and smart and adorable and eeeeveryone loved him! But that's an attachment disorder for you.

Now 2.5 years into him being home we're much better off... in a sense. Now he's better for me and acts up for other people! He's tuned down the "charming" (charm is a big clue for an attachment disorder) and is now more open and honest. We have a very, very tight bond now and I love him more than words can say. He is utterly, truly my son, just as much as my second who bonded right off the bat. But that doesn't mean that there's no lingering resentment, and it doesn't mean we're past all our issues. We still have a ways to go before he's where he needs to be emotionally and there are many days, and many parts of days, where I get frustrated with him. And there is the "boy" factor too. I had nannied pretty much all girls before becoming a mom and I thought I knew how to care for a child no problem. Well, on top of all the issues (PTSD, AD, SPD, possibly others) we have his "boyness," this energy and defiance, and it's not that I disliked it but I certainly wasn't used to it and it was magnified tenfold by his attachment disorder. At this point, though, I'm really enjoying having little boys It did take some getting used to!

As you can probably see, I'm very open about our story and our family situation. That's probably because our son has come such a long way and because I know there are families like ours out there who really need to hear that others have gone through something similar and it does get better. That being said, you family members might very well not feel like sharing. They might be dealing with things so hard that they don't want to share them at all for fear they'll change people's perceptions of their child. Believe me, I've been there. When people are showering praise on your child and you know he's not really like that it can leave you in a tough spot (be truthful and maybe find support, or stay quiet and just let them believe in the facade while it drives you nuts?). I'm glad you looked through those resources online. Not enough people do and they're so helpful! I shared them with my friends and family once I realized we had a problem (with mixed results given that everyone viewed our son as a perfect child).

Good luck to you and your family. Hopefully that little guy will be able to heal properly and soon he'll be thriving. Also, another adoptive parent recently told me to expect that a child will double their age before they bond, so my son adopted at age 2 needed to reach 4 before he truly bonded (sounds about right), and it held true for her kids as well. If this is the case, that little boy will be 7 by the time he truly bonds. Fingers crossed that it happens before then, but there's a possibility they have a long road ahead of them and could really use the support, if only a supportive email here and there!

Megan, wife to Nik and CDing, Co-sleeping, BWing, Adoptive BFing, Non-Circ'ing mama to P (11 '05) and A (10 '09)
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#33 of 44 Old 07-31-2010, 09:05 AM
 
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Thanks so much for sharing your story!!

I wanted to add that if you think about "charm" as an adaptive skill, it can make sense. If you are a child in an orphanage or a child in a family suffering abuse, neglect, charm can be a life saver. If you can get grown ups to pay attention to YOU (as opposed to the other child/ren) with your charm, you might get fed, preferential treatment, not hit, etc. I think some children develop this as a result of abuse,neglect, so it still represents in many ways their adaptive attempt to get what they need.

 
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#34 of 44 Old 08-02-2010, 03:28 PM
 
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Thats terrible! The fact that this family was so blessed to even have a second child but not adore him is crazy. Makes me so sad knowing that there are people that would make excellent parents but are never given the opportunity. Then you have this family that isn't overjoyed to have been blessed twice. My sister and her hubby are looking to adopt through an agency http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethan...2570F50075903F but haven't specified a gender. They just want to be able to give a child a loving home and a place in their hearts. How long do you think the wait will be? I'm wishing for my little one to have a cousin. Hope things turn around for this little bugger but sorry I have no idea what else to say.
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#35 of 44 Old 08-02-2010, 08:57 PM
 
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Thats terrible! The fact that this family was so blessed to even have a second child but not adore him is crazy. Makes me so sad knowing that there are people that would make excellent parents but are never given the opportunity. Then you have this family that isn't overjoyed to have been blessed twice. My sister and her hubby are looking to adopt through an agency http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethan...2570F50075903F but haven't specified a gender. They just want to be able to give a child a loving home and a place in their hearts. How long do you think the wait will be? I'm wishing for my little one to have a cousin. Hope things turn around for this little bugger but sorry I have no idea what else to say.
Please learn more about adoption before your sister adopts so you can help support her and her child. Please read this whole thread to start. Adoption is complicated and can be more bittersweet than a joy.
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#36 of 44 Old 08-02-2010, 11:49 PM
 
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Please learn more about adoption before your sister adopts so you can help support her and her child. Please read this whole thread to start. Adoption is complicated and can be more bittersweet than a joy.
Agreed. We feel blessed to have our daughter in our lives, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been a long road toward love and attachment. It's not awful. It just is what it is, and it's incredibly common. Please read up on some of the above links, so that if/when your sister experiences something like this, you can be of some help/support to her.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#37 of 44 Old 08-03-2010, 12:33 AM
 
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#38 of 44 Old 08-03-2010, 12:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by ladyofmoonlight View Post
Good luck to you and your family. Hopefully that little guy will be able to heal properly and soon he'll be thriving. Also, another adoptive parent recently told me to expect that a child will double their age before they bond, so my son adopted at age 2 needed to reach 4 before he truly bonded (sounds about right), and it held true for her kids as well. If this is the case, that little boy will be 7 by the time he truly bonds. Fingers crossed that it happens before then, but there's a possibility they have a long road ahead of them and could really use the support, if only a supportive email here and there!
Thanks for posting your story. This thread has been really helpful to me. It is a start, anyway!
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#39 of 44 Old 08-03-2010, 09:09 PM
 
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QueetheBean, thanks so much for being open to learning! Maybe your family member would enjoy coming here to learn from these amazing adoptive mamas!

 
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#40 of 44 Old 08-06-2010, 09:52 PM
 
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What I liked about this thread is the great information shared about attachment and attachment issues..

what I greatly disklike is the feigned concerned of the OP - sorry but I read this and immediately thought she was looking for answers like "yeah those parents suck!" Come on, a vague family member, living 1000+ miles away that she rarely sees, etc and so forth...
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#41 of 44 Old 08-07-2010, 07:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What I liked about this thread is the great information shared about attachment and attachment issues..

what I greatly disklike is the feigned concerned of the OP - sorry but I read this and immediately thought she was looking for answers like "yeah those parents suck!" Come on, a vague family member, living 1000+ miles away that she rarely sees, etc and so forth...

I rarely reply to things like this, but I can't stop myself.

I don't even know why I need to defend myself, I really don't . . . But yeah, for your information, the reason I was being vague is because I am paranoid about identifying myself here. I do not want to do anything to hurt my family member, whom I love. It is not a vague family member---I am talking about my sister and her son, my nephew. Yes, they live 1000 miles away, but that doesn't mean I am not in regular contact with her or that I don't care about them. The difference here was that we just spent a full week together on vacation and I was able to see things up close and in person that I had only a vague sense of on the phone or through emails prior to that.

I came here knowing nothing, asking for information. I came here out of concern, and I still concerned. I wanted to learn more, to know if I had reason to worry or of this was normal. It is incredibly hard to see a child experiencing what I see him going through, despite any of the reasons. I’m doing the best I can to understand it all, but I certainly wasn’t looking for people to come here and bash my family. I don't work that way.

But thanks, now I feel like crap. And an idiot.
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#42 of 44 Old 08-07-2010, 08:48 PM
 
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But thanks, now I feel like crap. And an idiot.
I am so sorry that the post you are referring to was so harsh. I do want to chime in that there were a lot of "triggers" in your post for me. I am not defending the tone of m9m9m9. But I also got a knot in the bottom of my stomach reading the original post and some of your replies. I have often been accused of favoring my biological children and treating my adopted daughter poorly. Very few people have seen the malicious and aggressive behavior we have seen from our daughter. It is a very horrilbe position to be in.

So I guess I am saying that on the day I read this thread, I was in a place where I could take your words at face value and not lash out. But on a very bad day, I could have been as mean as m9m9m9. This process of attachment is traumatic for the child and the parents.

Once again, I am sorry this was said and I think you are absolutely a great sister and aunt for trying to figure this out.
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#43 of 44 Old 08-07-2010, 10:17 PM
 
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QueetheBean, I am sorry. I can understand your hurt.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#44 of 44 Old 08-11-2010, 12:04 PM
 
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What pumpkingirl said it so true...try not to take it personally. Depending on what kind of day you're having, sometimes it's easy to have an educational discussion about adoption, and sometimes you're just tired of it all. You did the right thing in looking for more info, and I think you were/are GREAT about processing it all. Don't feel bad or silly or anything negative--you're fine.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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