Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdad and mom to DS 24 months, and DD 8 months! .
There is so much terrible and harsh advice on this thread that I hesitate to even respond to any of it, but this I just have to... Fretting about "every morsel in her mouth"? She isn't fretting about every morsel in her mouth. Did you *hear* what she ate? 8 eggs would make me sick and that was the tip of the iceberg. If you want to get your point across, try wording it in a way that isn't so harsh and doesn't exaggerate what is going on. 8 eggs isn't a morsel. And so if this little girl gets nice and fat, she's also going to be happy and healthy, but who cares about her body type? This kid isn't happy no matter how much she eats, and she isn't healthy either. *Something* much bigger than food is going on. If it was that simple as getting fat and happy, this child would have been happy a long time ago. There are actually some good thoughts and ideas in many posts that just so happen to get mixed in with a lot of judging, lack of empathy, and cruelty, so the message goes unheard.
A lot of people posting on this thread really need to ease up. The lack of empathy is appalling. I hope nobody else is ever put in the unfortunate situation that OP is in, because then we might all just understand just how difficult it is to parent a child with these sorts of challenges 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I know I would be deeply depressed in this situation. I question how many of us wouldn't be. Not to mention, nobody here even knows if letting this child eat two dozen eggs, 50 hotdogs, 20 pbj sandwiches, 10 bowls of icecream, 4 bags of chips, and whatever else for a YEAR would solve anything. If you have actually been in this position of having had a child who has eaten like this, who has been adopted, who you have "cured", go ahead and write a completely condescending, thoughtless, and cruel post to OP telling her how she's doing things wrong, its all because of OPs own body issue/food issues, that she isn't feeding her DD the right foods, etc. If you haven't been in that position though, you should probably consider having a little kindness and empathy. After all, nobody has solved OPs problem over the internet yet.
OP, I am really truly sorry for all that you are going through. I am also sorry that you have had to endure such appalling responses on this thread. The fact that you keep coming back to this thread searching for a solution despite all the negativity really shows that your heart is in the right place and just how hard you are willing to fight for your daughter. I think you addressed this before saying that there wasn't a medical cause, but I don't recall reading specifically if your DD has been tested for Prader-Willi. Ignore the suggestion if you've mentioned it before and I'm sorry to duplicate suggestions if you've addressed that.
Also, it sounds like you need a break. It sounds like your other kids need a break. It is okay to look at putting your DD in preschool or getting some childcare. Two things could happen...You could find out that by some miracle, she is distracted enough by other kids at the preschool that she isn't so focused on food (unlikely), or school could have the exact same issues as you which might take some of the "blame" off you that others are trying to place on you. Also it might be helpful in searching for an answer to know this isn't a behavior that goes on solely in your home. For you to have a few hours a day or week in which you didn't have to focus on these food issues and/or the whining/lack of play when DD wasn't eating might allow you to recharge enough to have more time to devote also to figuring out what is going on. You might have some time to clear your head. We can't give our kids what we don't have to give, and it sounds like (and rightfully so), you are getting to the point where you're running on empty. It is okay to ask for help. You are going through extraordinarily difficult challenges with your DD.
Having worked in adoption, I will agree with others who say 4 days of total food access probably aren't going to be enough. But then again, I can understand where you are coming from, because it hasn't really been four days either. She has had fairly unlimited access to food for a long time. Just a thought though. Also, if I were you, I would look at taking myself off the hook for providing super healthy foods for a while too and would opt for convenience. Even if you just go for that for a month, it might take some pressure off of you to be constantly cutting, washing, preparing food. You can buy hardboiled eggs that are peeled already. One other thought...if you don't want to do childcare, you could also see about hiring someone to come in and do some food prep for you a couple hours/week. I just think you need something to lighten your load. Anyone would start to break in your shoes. Too much is being expected from you.
You are in my prayers OP. It might not come tomorrow, but I believe you will find the cause of your DD's obsession with food and a solution. You are getting very close to her becoming verbal enough to provide you with some clues to what is going on. I have seen so many families who have adopted really struggle for years with similar sorts of issues who have had happy endings. There is hope.
Just raising Prader Willi Syndrome again, as many of us have, just to make sure this has been ruled out. You would need a referral to a genetic clinic that could do testing to see if she had this. Ruling it out would just provide some more peace of mind if she didn't have it.
Symptoms may include:
- Almond-shaped eyes
- Delayed motor development
- Floppy newborn infant
- Insatiable appetite, food craving
- Irregular areas of skin that look like bands, stripes, or lines
- Narrow bifrontal skull
- Rapid weight gain
- Skeletal (limb) abnormalities
- Slow mental development
- Small for gestational age
- Undescended testicles in the male infant
- Very small hands and feet in comparison to body
A lot of people posting on this thread really need to ease up. The lack of empathy is appalling. I hope nobody else is ever put in the unfortunate situation that OP is in, because then we might all just understand just how difficult it is to parent a child with these sorts of challenges 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I know I would be deeply depressed in this situation. I question how many of us wouldn't be.
Thanks you! I think the way that AP parents want to parent and the needs of an adopted child can make a mom crazy. Then throw in people who are sure they KNOW the answer and you feel crazy and like a bad mom. I remember it so well when my adopted daughter needed to dominate my attention and my other two suffered. So many AP moms told me just "give her all of the attention she needs." Well that isn't practical when you have other kids and honestly, her goal was to make the whole family miserable.
Anna, I have been thinking about you every day. I hope things are at least a little better. I was thinking about you this morning as I fed my kids breakfast and my almost seven year old adopted daughter had a tantrum over not getting the best piece of coffee cake. I had already made her a separate cake because she hates rhubarb. No amount of extra attention is ever enough for her. So it got me thinking about your daughter. It occurred to me that she is fairly picky. Do I remember that correctly, that she won't eat veggies or chicken? It seems to me that if she had a deep psychological need to just eat, she would not be so picky. Have you considered that maybe she doesn't just want to eat, that she LOVES the idea that she asks you for food and you get it for her? That is the act of you feeding her she is addicted to, not just the food? Of course, she has a problem with food too.
I ask because my daughter is addicted to dominating my atttention. But she will purposely have bad behavior so I can't play with her, then she feels like she won. She is seeking both attention and rejection. It occured to me that maybe your daughter is asking for food until you just can't take it and you have to say no.
Now that I have laid out that scenario, sadly, if that is problem I don't have an answer. But honestly, just knowing the problem had made my dd's behaviors more managable and easier to get my brain around. We do see a therapist who uses Daniel Hughes's theories.
My understanding is to have an accurate test for celiacs, she will need to be eating gluten before the test. You can get a false negative if the person has been eating gluten free. Just wanted to mention that if you are still reading and in case it hadn't been mentioned previously...
My last update:
DD is doing well on the Ellyn Satter method. We had a well check up yesterday and the pediatrician said she is growing well, and her height has increased by 2 inches in the last 4 months. She is now about 30% percentile for height, which is a good increase. He recommends testing her for celiac because of the abdominal distension, but he said to go ahead and try milk again. He is concerned about what he called "significant distension". He also said he truly believes she may have an undiagnosed parasite, because frequently the tests will come back negative.
I'm so glad things are getting better!!!!! You're doing a great job - and are such an incredible amazing mama!!!!!
I wish you luck, and hope that you find whats causing the distension, but I have NO DOUBT that you will succeed, and your dd will begin to thrive!!
Yes, take a break and let someone else feed her - someone who doesn't feel the need to be involved in every bite she eats, someone who doesn't micromanage every meal due to her own food issues, someone who can put out a tray of food that doesn't require constant preparation and can walk away without flipping out. Someone who doesn't panic over the thought of "what ifs" that have not happened.
Rome wasn't built in a day, and food issues that developed over more than a year of underfeeding aren't going to resolve in 4 days.
lasciate, please make an effort to post in a way that is respectful and considerate of the person you are trying to advise. Things can be said in a respectful and kind way. Your words here do not help maintain everyone to have a comfortable and beneficial discussion.
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