I just need to vent for a sec. Thanks. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 15 Old 11-09-2010, 03:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If one more person says they admire me for adopting, I am going to punch them.

I had an "ouch" moment when I read a "I'm pg" thread on another board. Just one of those quick "ouch" moments where I wish people would see that I am getting a child and simply congratulate me rather than warn me of all of the possible problems she is going to have.

I wrote about the "ouch" on Facebook (always a brilliant move on my part *sarcastic*) and a friend immediately wrote "I'm excited for you! I admire you. Not many people would do what you're doing."

Meh. More of the same. My kid is going to be messed up so I have to be admired for bringing her into my home.


OK, I am totally realistic about her needs, her attachment difficulties, her medical needs, her disability, her race....

BUT...

I am expecting a CHILD dangit! A LITTLE GIRL and I'm anticipating it with joy! Just as much as the gal who announced she is PG and everyone wrote how thrilled they were for her.

ok... /rant


I know you guys "get it".

Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 15 Old 11-09-2010, 09:46 AM
 
ariahsmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Vermont
Posts: 351
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:j oy

: banana:b anana


CONGRATULATIONS, Whistler... I hadn't heard your news! How lovely! How exciting! I'm celebrating with you today.

I'd love to hear more about your little one.

And I'm really sad to hear you don't get the support, understanding, and celebration you are longing for in other places... I get it. Really I do.

Jaya- unschooling mama to Ariah Rayheartbeat.gif1/02   Rukundo Pacifiquebuddamomimg1.png11/08  

missing Trace Oak candle.gif 10/25/06

ariahsmum is offline  
#3 of 15 Old 11-09-2010, 10:54 AM
 
SpottedFoxx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Philadelphia Area
Posts: 811
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh boy - I feel that. I'm sorry people can't just be happy for you. Congrats on the new addition. Let me just warn you about your new child.... she's going to steal your heart like no one has, you are going to be amazed at your capacity for love, you are going to have to suffer the joy of seeing the world through the eyes of a child, you are going to cry like you've never cried before when you see your child asleep, safe in their bed, and you'll celebrate the most ridiculous milestones (like writing their name for the first time). Sorry I had to be the one to warn you but I felt it was my duty - as one adoptive mother to another

Walking to raise money for Apraxia - feel free to join me if you are in the area or donate http://www.apraxia-kids.org/southjerseywalk/juliefoxx
SpottedFoxx is offline  
#4 of 15 Old 11-10-2010, 09:32 AM
 
Polliwog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,999
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx View Post

Oh boy - I feel that. I'm sorry people can't just be happy for you. Congrats on the new addition. Let me just warn you about your new child.... she's going to steal your heart like no one has, you are going to be amazed at your capacity for love, you are going to have to suffer the joy of seeing the world through the eyes of a child, you are going to cry like you've never cried before when you see your child asleep, safe in their bed, and you'll celebrate the most ridiculous milestones (like writing their name for the first time). Sorry I had to be the one to warn you but I felt it was my duty - as one adoptive mother to another
 
I'm not sure about that.  Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it happens but not right away.  Adoption is hard work.  Lots of joy, lots of sadness.  I love my kids deeply but I don't see adoption as all sunshine and roses. 


Polliwog is offline  
#5 of 15 Old 11-10-2010, 11:45 AM
 
WifeMomChiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 189
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Congratulations on a new little girl in your life!


Wife to my DH for 10 wonderful years.joy.gif

Mom to L (5 yo DD) and J (infant DS)  adoptionheart-1.gif

Chiropractor to many.  novaxnocirc.gif

WifeMomChiro is offline  
#6 of 15 Old 11-10-2010, 12:42 PM
 
misidawnrn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 64
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I received the same type of replies when we were waiting for our Sarah to be born..."do you know what you are getting into with J (the BM)?" " that baby is going to have problems"...my sister even told me that I needed to get Sarah into therapy now for her delays.....HUH?  She is 20 months old, speaking in 2-4 word sentences, walked at 9 months, feeds her self with a spoon and is about 1/2 way done with potty training, sleeps through the night in her toddler bed without getting up, follows complicated directions like "go to mommy's room and get daddy's shoes"  Her birth brother is 3, still not talking in sentences, not potty training at all and IS behind developmentally and emotionally but Sarah is in a different environment.  I do not feel like she has delays at all....some problems with sensory stuff yes, but delayed...NO.  I am sure all of the stupid comments I get are because the BM is not quite right, depressed, uneducated etc, but she is a caring girl and I am and will always be proud to call myself her friend.  If DD had been born to my sister she wouldn't be saying such things.  She'd be the smartest girl in the world (just ask her what she thinks of her 2yo DD...she will tell you! hehehehe)

Hugs to you, and CONGRATS on getting a beautiful little girl to warm your heart!


Melissa, L&D RN now...aspiring midwife-2-B,
20yo DS, 7yo DD, almost 2 yo DD, 1yo GDD
misidawnrn is offline  
#7 of 15 Old 11-11-2010, 07:47 AM
 
SundayCrepes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,724
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx View Post

Oh boy - I feel that. I'm sorry people can't just be happy for you. Congrats on the new addition. Let me just warn you about your new child....  you'll celebrate the most ridiculous milestones (like writing their name for the first time).

 Umm...how about writing on the walls and their bodies. That's a good one to celebrate. At least it made me laugh.


Congratulations on your new little one. What an exciting moment in time. Hang onto your memories of this time. I know I always like to think back to our expectancy.


Created an instant family (7/89 and 5/91) in 1997. Made a baby boy 12/05 adopted a baby girl 8/08. Ask me about tandem adoptive nursing. Now living as gluten, dairy, cane sugar, and tomato free vegetarians. Homeschooling and loving it.

SundayCrepes is offline  
#8 of 15 Old 11-12-2010, 01:01 PM
 
koalove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: raleigh nc
Posts: 860
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

congrats on your newly arriving babe! what a blessing!! i have to say...as a birthmother, im always incredibly annoyed at hearing how admirable it is to give up a child.  sure doesnt feel that way!  it feels weak, irresponsible, sad, scary and lonely.  Ive never hear an adoptive parent say they are irritated by those words too.  thanks for the little eye opener today! 


joyful mama to DS 2-05, open adoption birthmama to DD 5-07: and DS 6-98, and my littlest one 7-09. crazy in love with DH!
koalove is offline  
#9 of 15 Old 11-12-2010, 09:55 PM
 
heatherdeg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Everywhere... thanks, technology!
Posts: 4,831
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)

Wait till you get her and people tell you how lucky she is that you adopted her.  Or how lucky you are that you got her because she's a girl or because she's young or because of some other insanely stupid reason people may think that you're lucky you got her other than the fact that YOU GOT A DAUGHTER!

 

And I love the people who think that adopting kids out of foster care (wait--I don't remember--are you adopting from the state?) means they come with learning disabilities as if the general population doesn't have them.  I actually had someone tell me once they didn't consider adopting from the state because "those kids all have learning disabilities".  :bigeyes  Really?  So your biological child would have no chance at having learning disabilities?  Seriously?  Because my biological son is living proof that THAT's wrong.  And I taught high school in a well-educated and relatively affluent school district--where about 1/3 of my 240 students/year had IEPs, tyvm.  >:(

 

People say a lot of stupid stuff.  We are lily white with an obviously Hispanic daughter.  You'd love to be a fly on the wall sometimes, I promise you.  (although I find more humor in some of those after-the-fact ;)  ).

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!!  Tell us all about her!!!  What do you know so far??


Heather - Wife , Mommy  & Health & Wellness Educator, Speaker & Consultant 
 
Dairy, soy & corn free with limited gluten... yes, really. And journeying towards peace.  Blogging about both.
 
Let me guide you to find the food and lifestyle choices...
heatherdeg is offline  
#10 of 15 Old 11-12-2010, 10:19 PM
 
Lisa1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I get it completely. My husband was adopted and he was often told how lucky he was that he was adopted and how grateful he needs to be to his parents---because he was adopted! This always destroys his self esteem. I have known people who have been birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted children. I would love to be an adoptive parent some day. And I know this makes ME the lucky one. And I would correct anyone who says otherwise. I am very very grateful to get to be mom to the children I have. 

 

Congratulations on your daughter!!

Lisa1970 is offline  
#11 of 15 Old 11-14-2010, 09:12 AM
 
Masel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 1,734
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Congratulations!

 

I want to mention something that helped me. I realized eventually that all those tales of attachment difficulties and disrupted adoptions were the social equivalent of pregnancy horror stories. Maybe I wasn't so different after all. 

Masel is offline  
#12 of 15 Old 11-29-2010, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx View Post

Oh boy - I feel that. I'm sorry people can't just be happy for you. Congrats on the new addition. Let me just warn you about your new child.... she's going to steal your heart like no one has, you are going to be amazed at your capacity for love, you are going to have to suffer the joy of seeing the world through the eyes of a child, you are going to cry like you've never cried before when you see your child asleep, safe in their bed, and you'll celebrate the most ridiculous milestones (like writing their name for the first time). Sorry I had to be the one to warn you but I felt it was my duty - as one adoptive mother to another


I LOVE this!!!!  I could use more of these warnings!  :)

 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

I get it completely. My husband was adopted and he was often told how lucky he was that he was adopted and how grateful he needs to be to his parents---because he was adopted! This always destroys his self esteem. I have known people who have been birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted children. I would love to be an adoptive parent some day. And I know this makes ME the lucky one. And I would correct anyone who says otherwise. I am very very grateful to get to be mom to the children I have. 

 

Congratulations on your daughter!!


I hope I can respond in a way that helps my kids retain their self-esteem...  I worry that the same thing as happened to your hubby will happen to them.  Ugh.  People don't realize what their words are doing.

 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Masel View Post

Congratulations!

 

I want to mention something that helped me. I realized eventually that all those tales of attachment difficulties and disrupted adoptions were the social equivalent of pregnancy horror stories. Maybe I wasn't so different after all. 


 

That's exactly what they are!  I used to get so annoyed at the pgcy horror stories too!  Sometimes it just gets so ridiculous I have to laugh.  Like the post office employee who felt the need to tell us all about how his sister-in-law's mother's uncle's cousin's goldfish's owner (ok, slight exaggeration, hehe) adopted internationally and was forced to pay a bunch of bribes and never did get the kiddo home (not exaggerating at all!).   I got home and chose to laugh hysterically rather than burst into tears!!!

 

**************

 

 

Ok, for those who asked about our little girl, I can tell you a little without violating the confidentiality stuff, I think.  She's about 2.5 and is in an orphanage in Ethiopia.  I have some pics of her and she is absolutely as cute as can be!  She is reported to be friendly and a bit stubborn.  Except for her one disability she is developmentally on target. 

 

I am SO excited to bring her home!  We're nearly done with our dossier and then will be able to be "officially matched."  Then it's the nailbiting wait time while the red tape gets cleared.  Then we travel once to go to court, then we travel again two months later to bring her home!  :)

 

 

 

Please no comments on international adoption... start a different thread.  I know some people have opinions on it and that's great, just please not here...


Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
#13 of 15 Old 11-29-2010, 08:38 PM
 
Polliwog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,999
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)

Erin,. thanks for the update. I hope that everything goes smoothly.

Polliwog is offline  
#14 of 15 Old 11-30-2010, 01:17 AM
 
LessTraveledBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,325
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Whistler View Post

 

I am SO excited to bring her home!  We're nearly done with our dossier and then will be able to be "officially matched."  Then it's the nailbiting wait time while the red tape gets cleared.  Then we travel once to go to court, then we travel again two months later to bring her home!  :)

 



Whistler... Congratulations!

 

Sorry I am so clueless... Do I understand correctly that you were matched kind of early on in the process? (At what point is the dossier normally done?) Also, does Ethiopia always require two trips with months in between?


Mama to a little lady and always praying for more.
LessTraveledBy is offline  
#15 of 15 Old 11-30-2010, 04:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Whistler View Post

 

I am SO excited to bring her home!  We're nearly done with our dossier and then will be able to be "officially matched."  Then it's the nailbiting wait time while the red tape gets cleared.  Then we travel once to go to court, then we travel again two months later to bring her home!  :)

 



Whistler... Congratulations!

 

Sorry I am so clueless... Do I understand correctly that you were matched kind of early on in the process? (At what point is the dossier normally done?) Also, does Ethiopia always require two trips with months in between?


Okay, three different questions here.

 

 

1. Matching.  We are not "matched" yet.  BUT we are adopting with a specific child in mind, from a waiting child photolisting.  It's a relatively new process for our agency and we've had some hiccups along the way as a result.  For instance, since we aren't officially connected with this child yet, there was some question at one point of letting another family who was paper-ready pursue adopting her.  We protested (vehemently) and the agency decided to allow us to continue our process with her even though we were not quite done with our dossier.  It's a little unusual, but it's the way it ended up working.

 

2. Dossier.  When our dossier is done and we are "paper-ready" we can be formally matched.  We are lucky that our agency is allowing us to pursue adopting this particular child when we weren't done with all the paperwork yet.  And we're flying through the dossier as fast as humanly possible (I think it's been about three weeks since we got the instruction packet).

 

3. The two trips to Ethiopia is a new thing this past year.  Apparently they were having problems with families adopting remotely then feeling misled when they actually met the child and wanting to disrupt.  (I cannot fathom this, but I'm told this is the reason for the new procedure.)  Now families are required to travel and meet the child before going to court.  After court it takes eight weeks to obtain travel papers and medical clearance, so you either stay all that time or you have to go back to pick up the child.


Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off