I am so angry, so hurt, so frustrated, so worried... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 49 Old 01-20-2012, 02:24 PM
 
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I wish I could just say no to these visits but I can't. If I say no then they will transport him themselves - and they'll use the wrong car seat strapped in the wrong way. And if I say it's his naptime and they're messing up his naptime then they just say, "OK, let's make the visit longer and he can nap there" (which of course is completely wrong because he doesn't nap there!)

 

There is nothing I can say to influence them at all. They've already told me exactly that, "There's nothing you can say to change our minds."

 

I'm at the point again where I feel like just giving up. This is so stressful. I get anxious even just hearing my caseworker's name. I'm only doing it because I feel it's in his interests to stay with us. I've thought over and over again how much easier my life would be if we just handed him back to the system and did a private domestic adoption instead. But it's not about me.

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#32 of 49 Old 01-21-2012, 07:24 PM
 
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Can you bring an expert in attachment to the next hearing to testify about the trauma that would be caused by any disruption to his formed attachment with you?


 
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#33 of 49 Old 01-22-2012, 04:55 PM
 
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The problem is that Family Services essentially operates above the law. There is no acountability. None.

We took it to court and we won. But has anything changed? No.

 

They can just drag this out as long as they want. They don't ever have to let us adopt him. They can just stall, delay... until they get their way.

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#34 of 49 Old 01-24-2012, 07:31 AM
 
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Holy Cannoli! What about the GAL? Is s/he any help? The AAG was even in our speed dial for awhile, so maybe they could be of help?


Mama to Ru cutie (a. age 3, fall 2006) and foster to adopt  wonder-child (arrived a. 3,  2010) 

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#35 of 49 Old 01-24-2012, 10:07 AM
 
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No, there's no GAL in my state. There's another attorney who does basically what the GAL does in other states. She doesn't like us and isn't on our side. She was our main opposition in court. I don't see her as someone who can or will help us adopt our son. Our lawyer says never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence. And intellectually I know she's right. But emotionally this feels personal - that they just don't like us. And even without that feeling, they've lied and manipulated us so many times that I don't trust anyone involved in the system. I just don't trust any of them to do anything right. So even if I felt like my son's lawyer could help us, I wouldn't reach out to her because I can't trust any of them.

 

I have so much regret. I wish I could just go back and start over. I wish I stuck to my guns at the begining and said, "no fostering. we want to adopt." Or that I had trusted my gut after the classes when I thought this wasn't the right route for us. I wish I had taken all our friends' advice and just done a private adoption. Or just had a bio kid myself. I regret getting involved. I regret trying to make a difference. I thought things had changed since when I was a kid. I thought the system was better than it is. I thought I could help. Now I feel like I've just caused myself and my marriage so much hurt that we may never recover. I feel like I'm a worse person now than I was a couple years ago. I feel traumatized. I'm angry and hurt. I'm weaker, constantly second-guessing myself. This wasn't the battle I wanted to fight. This isn't how I wanted to make a difference. I just wanted to help one needy kid. That's it.

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#36 of 49 Old 01-24-2012, 12:08 PM
 
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Oh my... nothing to say really but HUGS.


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#37 of 49 Old 01-24-2012, 01:45 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, Mama. 

 

There is nothing I can say to influence them at all. They've already told me exactly that, "There's nothing you can say to change our minds."

 

 

No, but when the adoption goes through, you can tell them all to drop dead and I hope that you do. Open adoption, my foot. I know it feels like this will never end - but if your lawyer thinks it will end in adoption, then your lawyer is very likely right. Let them stall, lie, manipulate and deny all they want. I truly think that one day you'll be able to say sayonara to this entire screwed-up clan and get on with your lives as a family. 

 

You can't get out of this now -your son needs you. You two are the only people who have ever parented him. You can do this. You can endure this. You are going to make it out the other end of this. 

 

 

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#38 of 49 Old 01-26-2012, 04:14 AM
 
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You could try contacting your local and state representatives.  If you can get someone there to listen to you, they might be a big help.  I had an issue once with Social Services privacy policy, and my state rep's office contacted someone high up in Social Services and I got an immediate response.

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#39 of 49 Old 01-27-2012, 07:33 AM
 
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Thank you for the kind words. I feel better about things now.

I know we just have to wait it out. I know that adoption is very likely. I know it's the best thing for everyone. And I know my feelings are normal. And I might feel very differently when it's all said and done. I might be like the mom who had a very painful birthing experience and in the middle said she'll never do it again, but then gets deliberately pregnant the very next year. This is just hard right now. It won't always be like this.

 

Thank you for your support!

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#40 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 02:21 AM
 
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He's adopted! We finalized!

The other 5 children have not finalized. Not sure if they will ever get permanency. There are rumors of more legal drama with bio family and fictive kin.

For the record, this case has been on-going since 2004! That means the oldest of these kids has been involved with fostercare for EIGHT years! It's very clear to me now that these kids don't get a real chance at permanency unless someone outside the system goes to battle for them - and doesn't quit.

In the meantime, biomom had more kids and they were removed from her as well. Now she has 8 kids in the system. Again, these new kids are testing our state's idiotic law that never bothered to clearly define "sibling" because these kids are part of one "sibling group" defined as having the same biomom and another "sibling group" defined as having the same bio dad. And as usual, the people they actually live with and trust aren't legally considered family.

Anyway, we adopted our son and we're so happy for that. He's truly thriving and now for him the sky's the limit! We are so lucky to get to parent him. He's truly a blessing.
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#41 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 04:53 AM
 
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CONGRATULATIONS!! So happy to see this.
 

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#42 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 05:22 AM
 
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Anon - we need more parents in the world like you.   If I ever met you in person, I'd just have to give you a big hug.  Kudos to you for sticking it out and fighting for your son.  I wish your family peace and happiness - you deserve it!


Walking to raise money for Apraxia - feel free to join me if you are in the area or donate http://www.apraxia-kids.org/southjerseywalk/juliefoxx
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#43 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 06:14 AM
 
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Wa-hoo!!!
 


 
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#44 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 07:13 AM
 
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What fantastic news!!  Congratulations to your family.


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#45 of 49 Old 08-08-2012, 07:02 PM
 
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Yeehah!

I needed to revisit this thread. Thanks for updating. We are at the beginning of a long legal slog to adopt our 8 y.o. foster son, and I suspect I will get just as angry and frustrated as you were in January - and be just as happy in the end.
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#46 of 49 Old 08-17-2012, 06:32 PM
 
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So happy for you!!! Congratulations!


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#47 of 49 Old 08-23-2012, 04:22 PM
 
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Congratulations!  I am so happy to see hope in a case like this!
 


mother of 2, wife, daughter, lawyer, toddler wearing, extended breastfeeding, ec-ing, water birthing....

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#48 of 49 Old 08-24-2012, 08:09 PM
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Guest,

 

I'm so sorry for you and for your FS.  It's so unfair to you and horribly unfair to him.  The only thing I can suggest is to ask if he can have an advocate through the court; someone to legally represent him in the court system.  I think you might be able to hire an attorney.

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#49 of 49 Old 09-19-2012, 10:07 AM
 
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Hercinetom, we did hire a lawyer and went to court multiple times and won. This was my update:
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon-a-mom View Post

He's adopted! We finalized!

The other 5 children have not finalized. Not sure if they will ever get permanency. There are rumors of more legal drama with bio family and fictive kin.

For the record, this case has been on-going since 2004! That means the oldest of these kids has been involved with fostercare for EIGHT years! It's very clear to me now that these kids don't get a real chance at permanency unless someone outside the system goes to battle for them - and doesn't quit.

In the meantime, biomom had more kids and they were removed from her as well. Now she has 8 kids in the system. Again, these new kids are testing our state's idiotic law that never bothered to clearly define "sibling" because these kids are part of one "sibling group" defined as having the same biomom and another "sibling group" defined as having the same bio dad. And as usual, the people they actually live with and trust aren't legally considered family.

Anyway, we adopted our son and we're so happy for that. He's truly thriving and now for him the sky's the limit! We are so lucky to get to parent him. He's truly a blessing.

So to recap, we won in court and got to adopt our son (instead of having him moved to another foster home). He's doing great and we're over the moon in love with him.

But nothing about the system has changed. In fact, there are more kids in this family now and our son is the only one with permanency. He's the only kid - out of 8 ranging from infant to teen - who has lived in one home since birth. The only one. All the rest have been in at least two different foster homes, most of those kids have been in 4 or more. And he's the only one who has been adopted, despite multiple prospective adoptive parents wanting to adopt these children.
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