Blame it on the adoption? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 26 Old 06-08-2011, 06:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

So my little guy is 20 months.  He is adorable and smart and everything, BUT he is in super-fit-throwing stage.  Like insanely loud, horrible fits in public.  Most kids do this, but he is especially loud and loves the attention.

 

People react to his fits like they are something exceptional, and I always cringe like they think that he is especially worse because he is adopted.  Like they think he has bad genetics or something.  I think he's normal, just has an excess of personality!

 

Am I absolutely crazy paranoid or what?  Tell me your thoughts on this, please!


Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 26 Old 06-08-2011, 09:45 PM
 
CrunchyChristianMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 2,618
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I don't think as a by-stander I would think it was because he was adopted.  I would just assume he's a challenging kid going through a tantrum phase. 

 

 


Elizabeth - Doing life with Scott partners.gif

SAHM to Evelyn - my crazy little Celiac (4) energy.gif Annabelle (2)  love.gif and Abraham (born 6/20) buddamomimg1.png
adoptionheart-1.gif  Follow our journey  mdcblog5.gif

CrunchyChristianMama is offline  
#3 of 26 Old 06-08-2011, 09:55 PM
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,757
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a 14 month old who does the same thing. I dont think its because he's adopted smile.gif Are you talking about bystanders in public, or bystanders like mamas at your playgroup or people at church? Are you worried about people who already know he is adopted?

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#4 of 26 Old 06-08-2011, 10:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Well, it's pretty obvious.  :)

 

I guess more people I know, like at church.  A lot of them seemed dubious about adopting a kid.

 

Maybe I'm projecting.  I need to just get over it.  :)


Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
#5 of 26 Old 06-09-2011, 11:09 AM
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,757
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is the babe in your user pic? I totally never would have thought twice about him being yours smile.gif

But yeah, I can see how you would feel that way when there are people in your community who know and you are wondering if they think he is "bad" because he was adopted. However, if they have kids, they probably know what a hard age that is.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#6 of 26 Old 06-09-2011, 01:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

He is mine. orngbiggrin.gif  (Sorry, couldn't resist)

 

I changed the picture to a more recent one.  He looks a lot more black now that his hair is longer.  I am a whitey, so people can usually tell.

 

Anyway, I'm glad to know you all think that his behavior isn't what I think people are thinking.  I have no idea where I go that...I'm glad to know it probably isn't true.

 

This is a difficult age, and I am so exhausted!  I use attachment parenting, but like I told someone the other day, it's like running a marathon attached to a tornado!  But, I made it through this age with his sister, so I know I'll make it through this one too.  It was just one of those days, y'know?  :)


Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
#7 of 26 Old 06-09-2011, 02:14 PM
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,757
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OOPS. bag.gif

insert foot in mouth. Can you tell Ive never adopted?

He's adorable love.gif

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#8 of 26 Old 06-09-2011, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

OOPS. bag.gif

insert foot in mouth. Can you tell Ive never adopted?

He's adorable love.gif

 

Thanks!  I was totally funnin' with ya... wasn't offended at all and I hope I didn't come across as snarky.  The last thing I want to do is be the adoption PC police, LOL.
 

 


Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
#9 of 26 Old 06-10-2011, 09:36 AM
 
CrunchyChristianMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 2,618
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Whistler View Post

He is mine. orngbiggrin.gif  (Sorry, couldn't resist)

 

I changed the picture to a more recent one.  He looks a lot more black now that his hair is longer.  I am a whitey, so people can usually tell.

 

Anyway, I'm glad to know you all think that his behavior isn't what I think people are thinking.  I have no idea where I go that...I'm glad to know it probably isn't true.

 

This is a difficult age, and I am so exhausted!  I use attachment parenting, but like I told someone the other day, it's like running a marathon attached to a tornado!  But, I made it through this age with his sister, so I know I'll make it through this one too.  It was just one of those days, y'know?  :)



 

That description just made my day.  That is my 2-year-old some days.  Oh my word.  If I don't lose my mind it will be a miracle!

 

And yes, he is yours.  When I read that I thought, "oh no!  No one jump down her throat!"  :)


Elizabeth - Doing life with Scott partners.gif

SAHM to Evelyn - my crazy little Celiac (4) energy.gif Annabelle (2)  love.gif and Abraham (born 6/20) buddamomimg1.png
adoptionheart-1.gif  Follow our journey  mdcblog5.gif

CrunchyChristianMama is offline  
#10 of 26 Old 06-10-2011, 10:00 AM
 
34me's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I want to come right out and say I saw this in new posts, and it touched me.  I had a little guy that was a champion fit thrower, he was exactly as you described.  I was that parent.  You know, the one that left the cart full of groceries at the customer service desk because we had to leave, the one who sat at the mall looking green while her 2 yo is no more than 10 feet away on his back screaming like we just killed his puppy.  Can't tell you why he did it but at 14 (15 a week from today) he doesn't do it any more ROTFLMAO.gif.  He's always been a more intense kid than his siblings and life has had some bumps with him but he's a great kid!

34me is offline  
#11 of 26 Old 06-11-2011, 12:28 PM
 
lauren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In a state of grace
Posts: 6,780
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 18 Post(s)

I've known of many biologically related to parents toddlers that have over the top, hours long tantrums. I've known many adopted children without them. I've known adopted kids with horrible tantrums. I think this 'symptom' alone would not indicate problems related to adoption.


 
lauren is offline  
#12 of 26 Old 06-11-2011, 01:00 PM
 
Lisa1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I hate people with a royal passion who blames something on adoption. All kids are so different. My children are all so different from me. But when someone does not like something with regards to a child and the child is adopted, it is so easy to blame it on that. People like that should not adopt.

 

(((hugs)))) This phase will pass. Maybe he will be a strong willed child who never gives in to peer pressure! My daughter was a big tantrum thrower, and as a 15 yr old, I can trust her on almost anything because she is so strong willed. I know she will not do something stupid because she is strong willed and based well in her morals.

Lisa1970 is offline  
#13 of 26 Old 06-14-2011, 11:33 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,637
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 85 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whistler View Post

Well, it's pretty obvious.  :)

 

I guess more people I know, like at church.  A lot of them seemed dubious about adopting a kid.

 

Maybe I'm projecting.  I need to just get over it.  :)



Both my kids were born to me, and one of them looks like a little minature me, but she went through stages where I was sure she could put people off the idea of ever having children. She was a real handful at times, and very loud about.  And my other child has special needs.  I'm pretty sure that some of my DH's friends thought twice about even getting married after being around our kids as toddlers!

 

I think it's too much pressure to put on your sweet little boy to expect him at every stage of life to be an add for how wonderful adopting a child is. He's just a little kid, barely more than a baby. He's human. He's bound to have bad moments.

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#14 of 26 Old 06-14-2011, 11:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I really appreciate all of the comments!  Linda, you're right.  He doesn't have to be a poster child for adoption!  His job is to just be a kid. :)

 

I have been learning not to care so much what others think, or worse, what I think others think.  This has been good for me, in a personal growth sort of way.  I can be a better mom if I can parent my children based on what is good for them, not what makes me look good to others.  I mean I tried to do that before, but some things pop up again from time to time, y'know? 

 

Anyway, thanks for the BTDT stories especially. There is life after 1yo's.... :)


Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
#15 of 26 Old 06-14-2011, 01:15 PM
 
mommyof1sofar's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 14
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think tantrums are simply a toddlers way of showing they are not happy- they are frustrated, tired, hungry, what have you...But as an adoptive mom there does seem to be more judgement on us by some people who tend to think adoptive parents are more lenient- I have heard this is often the case with trans racial adopted toddlers...There is sometimes tsk tsking when our daughter gets fussy but my thought is that she is a baby/toddler who has had enough and I am doing my best to calm and soothe her AND if anyone has any issues with it or tries to blame it on her being adopted they need to get a reality check- it's a stage and ALL kids have stages that aren't always fun to be around- it's not about being an adoptive parent- it's really just about being a parent- period! :)

mommyof1sofar is offline  
#16 of 26 Old 06-14-2011, 03:58 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,637
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 85 Post(s)


Quote:

Originally Posted by Whistler View Post

 

This has been good for me, in a personal growth sort of way.  I can be a better mom if I can parent my children based on what is good for them, not what makes me look good to others.  I mean I tried to do that before, but some things pop up again from time to time, y'know? 


They pop up from time to time for me, too.  winky.gif

 

My kids both went through a long, pleasant, easy stages once they got past toddler hood. Parenting was really quite pleasant for  YEARS, until they turned 12.

 

Then I had to reminded myself all over again that making me look good to others isn't their job!

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#17 of 26 Old 06-14-2011, 07:12 PM
 
pumpkingirl71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 1,287
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This thread stuck me.  My kids has tantrums that are related to the traums she suffered.  People are constantly letting me that I am making too much of the tantrums, they are normal.  This thread makes me think that the whole world just doubts the adoptive parent.

pumpkingirl71 is offline  
#18 of 26 Old 06-14-2011, 08:17 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,637
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 85 Post(s)
My comments were not to you. They were to a parent with a different situation. Not all tantrums are the same.

I'm very sorry for what your little one has been through.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#19 of 26 Old 06-15-2011, 07:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
Whistler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The Gem State
Posts: 1,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 View Post

This thread stuck me.  My kids has tantrums that are related to the traums she suffered.  People are constantly letting me that I am making too much of the tantrums, they are normal.  This thread makes me think that the whole world just doubts the adoptive parent.



So I am not the only one who feels this?  That an adoptive parent gets an additional raised eyebrow?

 

My son, thankfully, has not had previous trauma, so his tantrums are "normal" (is there such a thing?).  I can imagine that additional behavior problems would be even worse as far as people second-guessing your parenting.  Hugs to you, mama!


Erin caffix.gif , Happy wife of Honey Bearguitar.gif , mom of Curly Miss (11/04), Little Mister (10/06), Princess Abi (3/08), and The Bean (9/09) jumpers.gifadoptionheart-1.gif  <>< oh, and I blog.

Whistler is offline  
#20 of 26 Old 06-15-2011, 07:56 PM
 
WifeMomChiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 189
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We have not adopted yet (hopefully soon), but my bio-dd could throw some monster tantrums in her day.  No one can tell you for sure if the adoption has a part in the tantrums, but I do think we tend to project our own concerns into social situations.  For example, I work outside of the home, so I could start to think, "Oh people think my kid throws fits because I don't spend enough time with her."  That's just an example, but I hope you see what I mean.


Wife to my DH for 10 wonderful years.joy.gif

Mom to L (5 yo DD) and J (infant DS)  adoptionheart-1.gif

Chiropractor to many.  novaxnocirc.gif

WifeMomChiro is offline  
#21 of 26 Old 06-17-2011, 11:09 AM
 
Diane B's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,329
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This is a question that you will ask yourself over and over again throughout the years: Is "this" adoption-related?  And I think it's good, as adoptive parents, to keep asking that question. Even children adopted at birth can have extra challenges, at various developmental stages, that are related to their early life experiences, including in utero. Adoption itself can be a source of trauma, and some kids are more sensitive to this than others.

 

My rule of thumb has been that if my daughter's behavior seems out of the normal range for her age and stage, and doesn't seem to be responding in a typical way to "good" parenting practices, then it's been worth investigating if something adoption-related is going on. As a thread bystander, I have no way of judging this for your son, but as you have heard from others, toddlers frequently experience lengthy tantrums. Educate yourself about the range of "normal" and see what responses work best for him. Never be afraid to ask for help if you need it or if you're unsure!

 

Diane B is offline  
#22 of 26 Old 06-18-2011, 03:47 PM
 
Emeraldcitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 7
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

A good friend of mine is one of five adopted children. She and all of her siblings were from different situations. A few had seriously traumatic prenatal, infant & toddler stages before they were adopted and as a result grew up with serious mental, behavioral and developmental issues. My friend once told me she felt like because of the stigma attached to her siblings and their issues, every minor behavior or attention issue she had as a child was over analyzed and her parents, teachers and health professionals and turned into a bigger issue or "disorder" and attributed to the fact that she was adopted. Mind you, she was adopted at a few days old and her biological mother was healthy and received good prenatal care. To this day she resents much of the intervention in the form of therapy and medication for things that for most children would have been chalked up to normal childhood or teenage issues.

 

I think all children are different, and it is certainly wrong to automatically assume that because a child is adopted any behavior issues they have are extraordinary, a sign of a bigger issue or a product of their history. That being said, people will make those assumptions because sadly there are situations that play out that way. I hope the tantrums end soon and you can continue to enjoy your beautiful son.

 

 

Emeraldcitty is offline  
#23 of 26 Old 06-20-2011, 09:02 AM
 
NYCVeg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: On my couch
Posts: 4,949
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think people are very quick to attribute any stand-out behavior in a child to what they perceive as that child's "differences."

 

My dd (5) was at a class party the other day. All the kids were over-excited (it was pre-K "graduation"), over-sugared, over-tired. There was a lot of jostling over toys and playground equipment and lots of tears. At one point, dd came over to me, upset, because she wanted a turn on a swing and another kid was pushing her. After I sent her on her way, another parent turned to me and said, "Oh, you definitely you need to have another one. That is SUCH only-child behavior."

 

Dd was not behaving any differently than any other kid at the party. In fact, she's much better about waiting turns and sharing toys than most of the kids in her class. But because she is an only, and that parent perceives only children as "different" or "weird," she automatically ascribed (the perfectly age-appropriate) behavior to that.

 

All of this is a long way of saying: Your ds sounds like a perfectly normal 20-month old. :)

NYCVeg is offline  
#24 of 26 Old 07-30-2011, 09:23 PM
 
MMJ8S's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a wild one too. My AS is 21mths. His tantrums have gotten better, but he had no problem throwing one at any time or place for whatever reason. I chalk it up to his lack of communication skills. He can' t really explain himself, so he had to show you how loyally ticked off he is that he isn't getting what he wants. Hopefully yours will calm down more as he gains communication skills.
MMJ8S is offline  
#25 of 26 Old 07-30-2011, 10:02 PM
 
Lisa1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Even if you gave birth to the child, he could still throw tantrums. One thing I hate more than anything in the world is when a child is adopted and then people act like merely being adopted makes them a defect. Giving birth never guarantees a perfect child. 

Lisa1970 is offline  
#26 of 26 Old 07-31-2011, 02:26 PM
 
sagewinna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: CA
Posts: 2,002
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

For me and our new 2 year old dd, I do try to figure out what behaviors are age appropriate and what behaviors might be trauma related. I am not blaming adoption for everything, I am trying to help her as best I can. When she screams, is she frustrated because she has 2 year old verbal skills or is there something deeper going on? It's difficult for me, very challenging. She's experiencing things from her own perspective, i don't think it's wrong to consider what she's been through (separation from her family, then from her foster family, and what she's witness/experienced in her home of origin) and I don't think that means she's defective.


DS: 18 DD: 15 DD: 8  angel1.gif 11/10  angel1.gif 4/11
  adoptionheart-1.gifDD: 3  angel1.gif 8/11

sagewinna is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off