feeling a tad resentful... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 01:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DH and I are just starting out our journey to foster-to-adopt after a long struggle with infertility.  So, this weekend I was looking at all the things we are going to need to purchase to have what we need to take care of a baby in our home (we have practically nothing here...a few clothes and a car seat).  Anyway, all I could think about as I added the cost of it all up was that people who get pregnant register, have a baby shower, and get all these neat things.  (I know...Craigslist and yard sales...been doing that) We don't get to do that because we can't have a biological child...It just feels like another punch in the gut and just another thing I am missing out on because I can't get pregnant.  Has anyone felt this way?  I just wanted some of this excitement of setting up my house for a baby and it seems like other people don't see that...


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#2 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 01:29 PM
 
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I say - HAVE A SHOWER! smile.gif why not? wink1.gif you deserve it just as much as any new parents...

BTW, congratulations!!! joy.gif
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#3 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 01:42 PM
 
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Honestly, it would never occur to me that a foster-to-adopt family WOULDN'T have a shower! 

 

People will say many, many hurtful things out of sheer ignorance...they don't know what the "right" thing to say is, they get nervous and say something hurtful (with no ill intent), etc.  Being able to forgive other peoples irritating comments or hurtful comments is a right of passage for all parents...welcome to that club!

 

And welcome to the world of parenting!  Now go have a party!


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#4 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 03:18 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you've had to struggle through infertility.  hug.gif

 

I agree with the pp, tell your best friend how you feel and have her throw you a shower.  Your profile says you're in the Midwest, if that means near KC, I would throw one for you if you needed it.  Every new mom deserves a party to celebrate such a huge life event.


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#5 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 03:48 PM
 
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I'm with the others.  HAVE A SHOWER!

 

You deserve one....you're going to be a mom!!!


loving a small homestead with DH and DS (12/2005) keeping it natural, frugal and back to basics :
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#6 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 07:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good suggestion CrunchyChristianMommy...I think I will drop some hints to my best friend...She has an account on here, maybe she will see this LOL.  I do live in KC...If you have experience with foster-to-adopt, I would love to chat with you.


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#7 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 07:39 PM
 
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OMG, congratulations!  And have a shower already!  I have NO experience with fostering/adopting and it would NEVER occur to me that showers are only for biological children!

 

(aaaaand...I just realized that I'm in a forum I've never been in/don't know if I belong in.  Sorry for crashing! Bolt.gif)


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#8 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 07:50 PM
 
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It's a BABY shower, not a PREGNANCY shower! I'm with PPs. Talk to your close friends/family about how you feel, and then go register for stuff. Sheesh!
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#9 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 08:03 PM
 
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Never occurred to me that adopted babies wouldn't get a shower. We used to throw showers at work all the time. The one coworker that adopted a few years ago got a shower just like every other new mom. Another co-worker just adopted and everyone is bummed that the work culture has changed and we no longer do showers as we would all love to welcome his newest family member.


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#10 of 16 Old 08-22-2011, 08:54 PM
 
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When I married someone with kids, no one congratulated me on having kids, let alone offered me a shower. The sad thing is, it didn't even occur to me until a couple years later to even ask for one and then it just seemed too late. 

 

I did get a shower when I was pregnant. When we were on the adoption journey I was too focused on trying to get a baby, I would not have wanted a shower in case we didn't meet our deadline of when to stop the process. However, when our daughter was placed with us, the first thing a friend said was, "I want to throw you a shower." Because the baby was a legal risk, I didn't want a shower until I knew that she would not be taken away. Since we were finalizing a week after she turned 3 months, we decided to have the shower the day after finalization and make it an adoption party.

 

One practical question: since you are doing foster adopt, you have no guarantee of the child's age. How can you celebrate and make sure the gifts you get will work regardless of the child's age. Also, since you are foster to adopt, you may not keep the first babi(es) that come your way. How will you feel if you use all your baby stuff that your friends and family gave you and the baby leaves? Don't mean to be a downer, but it's better to answer these questions now than when you are in the situation.


Created an instant family (7/89 and 5/91) in 1997. Made a baby boy 12/05 adopted a baby girl 8/08. Ask me about tandem adoptive nursing. Now living as gluten, dairy, cane sugar, and tomato free vegetarians. Homeschooling and loving it.

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#11 of 16 Old 08-23-2011, 04:49 AM
 
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HAVE A SHOWER. 

 

But SundayCrepes is right, you will probably want to think about the possible ages you might get and register/ask for slightly different stuff than you would if you were birthing a newborn. If I were invited to an adoption shower and didn't have guidelines, I'd buy classic books, classic toys, etc. - not onesies or bottles. If you know you are only taking infant placements and you want onesies and bottles, have your hostess specify! 

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#12 of 16 Old 08-23-2011, 06:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Reading this makes me feel a little better.  I really thought I was being a little cranky about it, but it seems reasonable.  Because we have my 7 year old DSS part time, we have discussed it and will only be willing to take children under 12 months, so it will only be baby things for a while.  I'm not so much into wanting stuff for a specific child, but just that we can take care of children (babies) in general.  I know that we might have a few children that we foster before we get one that we are able to adopt, and I'm ok with that (and reusing the stuff). 


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#13 of 16 Old 08-23-2011, 08:35 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leilamom View Post

Good suggestion CrunchyChristianMommy...I think I will drop some hints to my best friend...She has an account on here, maybe she will see this LOL.  I do live in KC...If you have experience with foster-to-adopt, I would love to chat with you.



I have many foster parent friends!  We are doing private domestic adoption, but would be happy to connect you with some other foster parents if you're feeling a need for more community.  And if no one throws you a shower I seriously will!


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ramama View Post

OMG, congratulations!  And have a shower already!  I have NO experience with fostering/adopting and it would NEVER occur to me that showers are only for biological children!

 

(aaaaand...I just realized that I'm in a forum I've never been in/don't know if I belong in.  Sorry for crashing! Bolt.gif)



You're welcome to crash with happy posts like that.  It's when people crash and give awful advice that is clearly coming from an uneducated about adoption-related issues standpoint that crashing is not appreciated.  winky.gif

 


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#14 of 16 Old 09-24-2011, 02:56 PM
 
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Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. 

 

We have physical custody of my nephew, but technically don't have permission to adopt yet so he's not technically our son, so the idea of having a shower is so out there to me, even though I really want to.

 

I personally think it's much more difficult going through the process of adopting, fostering, etc than it is getting pregnant, having 9 months to let that sink in and prepare, etc.  The support here is wonderful, but in the real world people sometimes don't seem to consider the additional stress of what you're going through and therefore don't think you need help. 

 

Good luck. :)

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#15 of 16 Old 09-24-2011, 06:24 PM
 
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Congrats!

 

We did private infant adoption, and I had lots of people ask when my shower was.  We never got it organized, but my friends and family have definitely shown us a lot of support and they expected a shower.  I live in the KC area as well.  


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#16 of 16 Old 09-24-2011, 07:33 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SundayCrepes View Post

One practical question: since you are doing foster adopt, you have no guarantee of the child's age. How can you celebrate and make sure the gifts you get will work regardless of the child's age. Also, since you are foster to adopt, you may not keep the first babi(es) that come your way. How will you feel if you use all your baby stuff that your friends and family gave you and the baby leaves? Don't mean to be a downer, but it's better to answer these questions now than when you are in the situation.


yeahthat.gif   A few times over, actually because even if you know that you only want a child under (for example) 1yo, you have no idea when that child will come or if they'll stay.

 

I was in a state that had a separate unit for children whose goal was adoption and we got our ad at 12 days old.  We did not get a shower--partially because it took almost a year to finalize her adoption (twice as long as it should've) and we wondered if something would go wrong.  She was a Safe Haven baby, so there were no parents or family, but we knew well enough that something you never dream of could happen.

 

We DID have a huge party when she was finalized.  We threw it.  It was a combination first birthday/welcome to the family event and it was beautiful.  And honestly, it resulted in a lot more meaningful stuff than a shower would've (in retrospect).  And some of it equally useful to her age at the time.

 

I didn't get a shower with my biochild either despite being registered.  My MIL could've bought everything on my registry for less than her half of what she paid for my BIL's wife's shower.  So I've never had a shower and bought everything I needed for our child on our own.  Oh, wait... I lied: when my bio was about 2mo, the small Women's Club I was involved in threw me a shower.  Nothing from a registry, but a pretty cake and some sweet gifts.  And these were women who knew me from a once/month meeting for three years.  Oy...

 


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