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#31 of 46 Old 11-12-2011, 02:48 PM
 
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There's some great books in the resource sticky. You might want to look there. I'd also suggest that your friends (and you) join the message board at www.fosterparents.com. It's not where I go for the crunch but it's a good place to get the nitty gritty of fostering and foster/adopting from the people who are doing it or have done it.

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i wonder how they would know if the child had an attachment disorder being that it might be only 1-2 years old.  i am sure there are symptoms (i know what they are in older children) but where would they get an assessment?  an attachment specialist?  do you think an early assessment would be beneficial? 



 

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#32 of 46 Old 11-12-2011, 05:53 PM
 
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I think that the best practice approach these days is to practice "attunement" to your particular child, not to utilize a one size fits all approach that includes a predetermined menu of strategies. It's also important for foster/adoptive parents to really know themselves: what their triggers are, what pushes their buttons, and to examine their own attachment histories so as not to muddy the waters when parenting children with difficult histories. Developmental trauma (which is one of the new thoughts about what an attachment problem really is) can manifest in many different ways. For some children there will be certain kinds of needs, for other kids, other types of needs. It depends a lot more on their attachment pattern and how they "do family."

 

I think one of the reasons that the moms on the adoptive/foster parents board are not so quick to unhesitatingly recommend 'AP' is because they have lived with more atypical children, more children with abuse/neglect/sexual abuse histories, and as they have said, AP is not always the way for each of these children. Here are a couple of other good places to look, in addition to looking at all the resources in the Sticky.

 

http://www.danielhughes.org/

http://www.traumacenter.org/products/publications.php

 

I hope you won't misconstrue folks questioning and disagreeing with anything other than good wishes.


 
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#33 of 46 Old 11-13-2011, 10:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#34 of 46 Old 11-13-2011, 11:01 AM
 
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I would assume that the foster parents have thought through their decisions but an article or two might be ok to share with them. I'm going to assume that they've already been matched with a sibling group, probably as a possible adoptive placement if parental rights are terminated. Because, that's really the only way that I can see a nanny situation working well. Most nannies (and I've been a nanny so I know many,) want a stable job. A good nanny is less likely to accept a position that might last one day, one month, or three years.

 

Some foster infants/toddlers are lucky enough to be with a stay-at-home foster parent who is able (and willing) to be there all day and meet everyone's needs. This is not the reality for most foster infants/toddlers and most do fine.

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#35 of 46 Old 11-13-2011, 11:51 AM
 
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There are also  many wonderful home child care providers that take just a few children, that might be willing to be a part of the solution and to practice strategies that would enhance attachment. The quality of the care they choose will be critical. A large child care center with lots of staff turnover would be much less healing for the child than a warm, attachment focused home provider, for example. I like to see child care providers as kind of a 3rd leg to a stool when they are needed.


 
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#36 of 46 Old 11-13-2011, 11:53 AM
 
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I agree that attunement is definitely the best approach.  In doing my own research I have come across a few articles that discuss "developmental trauma" as well. I found this article from AAP very useful in understanding this.  http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;106/5/1145.  This particular finding is interesting "Separationsoccurring between 6 months and about 3 years of age, especiallyif prompted by family discord and disruption, are more likelyto result in subsequent emotional disturbances. This partlyresults from the typical anxiety a child this age has aroundstrangers and the normal limitations of language abilities atthis age."  One of the children this family will be fostering  will be in this age bracket which again is why I question the use of daycare and the introduction of more stranger into the young child's life if other arrangement can be made (which are not impossible in this case).  Perhaps an older child with better communication skills and less stranger anxiety may adjust just fine but i still question the appropriateness of a typical daycare for an at-risk child in this stage of development.   Again my feelings on this are sort of irrelevant as the couple needs to make their own decision on what works best for their new family.  All I can do is pass along information that might help them to see the situation from a different perspective. My perspective comes from working with many older children with attachment disorders and seeing what type of environments worked best for them.  I have been fortunate to work in several different types of therapeutic settings and I would say the settings where the therapists and other staff members used attachment-based therapies (not attachment therapy that is different) were more far more effective. 


I'd love to read that AAP article but it is coming up 'page not found.' Can you try linking again?

 


 
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#37 of 46 Old 11-13-2011, 01:14 PM
 
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I completely agree. It probably wouldn't be easy to find that person (in this situation,) but if the parents can find her, it's a great solution.
 

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There are also  many wonderful home child care providers that take just a few children, that might be willing to be a part of the solution and to practice strategies that would enhance attachment. The quality of the care they choose will be critical. A large child care center with lots of staff turnover would be much less healing for the child than a warm, attachment focused home provider, for example. I like to see child care providers as kind of a 3rd leg to a stool when they are needed.



 

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#38 of 46 Old 11-13-2011, 04:34 PM
 
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I'd love to read that AAP article but it is coming up 'page not found.' Can you try linking again?

 



There is a period at the end of the link that shouldnt be there, if you click on the link then delete the period it works.


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#39 of 46 Old 11-13-2011, 07:58 PM
 
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The more posts that are being made to this thread, the more irritated I am getting.  Fosterparent, have you ever BEEN a foster parent?  You asked for the opinion of others & they are giving it to you, but you keep on circling around to your own original statement of wanting this mother to stay home and care for her foster child.  Her hypothetical foster child, who might be 2 year old, and who might be two months old.  It seems to me that no matter what anyone else has said, you are determined to convince this woman to quit her job to care for the kids.

 

Number one, in foster care, the goal is reunification.  The kids may only be with the family for a few months.  Why would anyone quit their job in that situation?  Number two, the state will pay for state licensed child care if both parents are working.  They will NOT pay for a nanny.  Number three, foster parenting is HARD.  Taking care of three kids is HARD.  It's not a big deal if you want to pass on a book or article, but the reality is that people who are not foster parents do. not. understand.  You are at the whim of the county, people in and out of your house all the time.  Appointments left and right.  An awkward co-parenting dance with someone who you may come to not like very much.  A list of rules a mile long and just as wide.  You assume the baby will have/may develop an attachment disorder while the reality is that all three of them may already have one.  If that is the case, holy shit, I would send them all to daycare!

 

I am a stay-at-home mother and have been since our first was born three and a half years ago.  We have had three foster placements over the span of that time w/ us taking 2 years off in the middle to have a second child and take care of my gravely ill mother.  All three placements were newborns.  Our current dfd is six months old & was placed w/ us at birth.  Two weeks later, she went back to mom.  Two months later, she came back to us & has been here since w/ no signs of returning.  DH and I are her primary caregivers 24/7.  She gets two visits per week with her mother & she has a babysitter who watches her for a few hours twice per week, once so that I can attend Bible study sans children and once every other week so that I can take my other two girls to our Morning Garden class.  My husband travels for work every other week, so during that time Bible study and dfd's visits with her mother are my only break.  Did I mention that CYF in our county has insane rules about what your babysitter must go thru to watch your foster child alone?  It includes getting a physical and taking a TB test.  I am present in the building during Bible study, so that is okay, and dh works from home, so the sitter can only come every other week during Morning Garden.  When dh is out of town, I take all three girls w/ me, not only to school, but to everywhere I go.  Our CYF-listed "substitute caregiver" (our dear friend who actually went thru the approval process for us) has two little kids of her own now and works.  Oh, and she cannot watch dfd in her own home b/c that process is even more invasive & the family is not willing to do it.  Basically, this means that dfd is with me at all times.  DH and I cannot even go out to dinner alone b/c of CYF sitter requirements.  Telling a foster mom, "I think you should become a stay-at-home-mother," can be an even bigger commitment to that child than if she had her own child!  When the time comes that we do receive a child with special needs, I cannot just call up a friend to watch said child, even if I desperately need a break.  The best I could hope for would be to go outside in the yard while someone played with the kids inside.  Same for my husband.

 

DH and I are committed AP parents.  For foster babies, this means babywearing & bottlenursing with us being the only ones feeding and changing lo until we feel proper attachment has been established.  Cosleeping is not allowed, which is okay with us, but we do not do CIO.  We carry dfd A LOT and are as responsive as we can be with three little ones to care for.  DFD is bathed and lotioned and groomed and fussed over non-stop.  These are all things we would do even if I worked outside the home and our kids went to daycare.  It may come to pass that your relative decides that she and her family will be better off if she, or her husband, quits work.  They may decide that they bit off more than they could chew and the kids move to a different placement.  NOTHING in foster care is written in stone.  Not a thing.  For parenting, I would suggest any of the books by Sears.  They are all about forming good, attached relationships with your children.  The magazine Adoptive Families http://www.adoptivefamilies.com is the only print magazine I have encountered that even talks about foster care & it is really good.  It will be nice for your relatives to have supportive people in their lives, but giving unsolicited advice is quite rarely appreciated, no matter what the topic.


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#40 of 46 Old 11-14-2011, 03:27 AM
 
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Dogretto, I would die if things were like that here. Most sporadic babysitting here falls under "prudent parenting" guidelines (people the foster parents trust) or friends of the foster child (who don't need to be background checked.)

 

But, I totally agree about not knowing what it's like to foster until you actually do it. In many situations, it's just like having a bio child in your home. But, often it's not. And taking in THREE children at one time is a HUGE undertaking.

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#41 of 46 Old 11-14-2011, 05:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#42 of 46 Old 11-14-2011, 06:38 AM
 
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I think that part of the problem is that you chose the user name of "Fosterparent" which would lead people to believe that you are a foster parent. You can choose whatever name you want, but it can be misleading.

 

Anyway, so now I'm thinking that they will be licensed for three children but want a least one under age three? Is that correct? And since she works at home, having a nanny might not be the best choice. What if the baby is a screamer? I have known LOTS of foster babies who scream almost constantly. Often due to early drug exposure, but not necessarily.

 

I can see that you want to help this family. Why not encourage them to come here and/or to fosterparents.com. We'd love to help them out directly. I know I've learned a LOT in both places.

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#43 of 46 Old 11-14-2011, 08:55 AM
 
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I say hypothetical b/c the child is not actually in their home yet.  Like I said, nothing in foster care is written in stone, things change.  As far as working from home is concerned, then I would definitely want the kids to receive care elsewhere.  My husband works from home and it is hard on him (and sometimes the kids) to see him off and on all day.  It is hard for them to hear that when Daddy needs to come out of his office and use the bathroom that he is still working and cannot play.  Every time he emerges from that room, he is attacked by the kids, lol.  It's straining for him b/c he feels like he is ignoring them, even though, duh, he is working, he is not supposed to be playing w/ them.

 

I agree, the more one learns about attachment parenting, the better.  You never know, the family may make one kind of care arrangement and then decide it's not working and change it.  I'm sure they would appreciate gifts of supplies, how about giving them a baby carrier and a book about babywearing?  A carrier like the Ergo is wonderful, can be used for infants or toddlers, and is expensive, so they may not feel comfortable making that investment themselves right now.  Natural toys are also good items.  How about a subscription to Adoptive Families Magazine?  They support AP parenting.

 

Yes, there are always multiple options when it comes to childcare, but the state will not pay for all of them.  If the family decides to use a private sitter or nanny, they will have to pay for it out of their own pocket whereas the state will pay a child's tuition at a state-licensed daycare center OR home daycare. State also does not pay for preschool, you have to use Headstart, or another free option, unless you pay for it yourself.  Paying for a nanny, esp for children you are not/have not adopted is a giant money pit.  It MAY be feasable for this family, I do not know them, but daycare would be free no matter what.


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#44 of 46 Old 11-14-2011, 05:12 PM
 
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There is confusion with the terminology you have been using.  Is there a know child who will be your relatives' foster child?  When you give the age range of 0-3, it sounds like the child is hypothetical.  If you are using the range of 0-3 to keep the case anonymous, that is different.
 

I really do hate to split hairs, but adoption language is difficult.  The mom's here are not mean angry people, but we have been through a lot.  In my case, I would rather save anyone the pain my family has suffered.  I would second Polliwog's suggestion that you encourage the foster parents to be to join an on-line community.

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(and in this case its not hypothetical as they are getting a foster child between the ages of 0-3 within the next few months, the nursery is already been set up) and in these situations a state paid daycare is a great alternative.   my intention in this situation is not to tell this women what to do (i never mentioned she should quit her job btw, but there are other arrangements that could be made, she works from home) its to help her possibly see the situation differently by sending her some information,  like AAP article i quoted.  it may or may or not have an affect on her, i dont have control over this and fully recognize that.  

 

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#45 of 46 Old 11-15-2011, 08:36 AM
 
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I work full time outside of the home and we were available to take 2 kids ages 0-6 when we first were licensed. We had no idea what ages/gender/quantity we would get and staying at home was not an option.

Our first placement was a 5 1/2 month old baby girl who was already enrolled in daycare and was being cared for by a single mom (foster mom). So we just kept her in her same routine. She went to daycare and when she was at home she was worn a lot, bottle nursed, cared for in much the same way I cared for my bio-son except that she did not co-sleep. She attached within a few weeks and despite us being her third family and also being in daycare has no attachment issues. She is a completely attached, healthy, 2 year old.

When we decided to do another placement, we were available to take a girl ages 0-4 or boy ages 4-6 or a combination of the two. Again, we had no idea what age/gender/quantity we would get. And staying at home was not an option. Luckily, my job was a little more flexible in that my boss needed me not to take time off and there was no daycare slot, so when we got our baby girl (with 5 hours notice, a three month old) I got to work from home for two weeks, took one week unpaid leave, and then put her in daycare. I wouldn't say she was fully attached in those three weeks, but it helped to solidify our relationship and get her secure enough to start daycare. Same thing, I carried her a lot. The first pic I sent to friends/family was her in my sling that evening. She was more emotionally distraught at coming into care because she had 1:1 care previously by one lady and no other caregivers so really mourned her loss.

With the goal being reunification, you need to as foster parents weigh heavily the decision of what is best for your family and that child. We knew staying home was not an option, but our girls are fine and attached and happy kids and I love our daycare. It is .9 miles from my house and like a second family and they let the girls see each other often.


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#46 of 46 Old 11-15-2011, 03:07 PM
 
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I see that you are deleting/moving your post so you probably won't see this. However, I do hope that you've at least thought about what we've said. We've been there/are there. We all want the best for the children who aren't able to be raised by their birth parents. But there is no "one-size-fits all" answer. We all just do the best we can. My fostering journey has been way different than I had ever expected. It's best to go in with your eyes wide open.

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