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#1 of 46 Old 11-09-2011, 04:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i am re-posting the original question to the expert. thanks for all your info!

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#2 of 46 Old 11-09-2011, 07:52 AM
 
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I have a seven year old with an attachment disorder.  Every professional that worked with my child recommended full time day care for her.  She was not transitioning well to our home.  My gut told me to ignore the advice and keep her with me as much as I could.  I COMPLETELY regret my decision.  She would be in a better place today if I had listened to the advice.

 

I am not saying that this child is in the same position, but it sounds like you formed your opinion from your gut like I did.

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#3 of 46 Old 11-09-2011, 12:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#4 of 46 Old 11-09-2011, 12:43 PM
 
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Honestly my gut tells me that you should mind your own business when it comes to this issue.  Even if it would be better for the foster children to not be in daycare (and this is a big if) not all people can afford to not work or to hire a nanny.  I appreciate that you are coming at this from a place of wanting what is best for the children but you should leave these decisions up to the foster parents.

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#5 of 46 Old 11-09-2011, 03:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#6 of 46 Old 11-09-2011, 07:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by fosterparent View Post

 you gave me yours and i thank you. however you did not answer my questions. i am still interested in knowing from a clinical viewpoint why you were directed to place your child in full-time daycare and why you wish that you had done so instead of keeping her home with you.  what would the benefit have been? maybe i am in fact missing something. 



Not sure what this means.  Two different people have commented.  You were responding to NYMommy and asking why I didn't asnwer your question?

 

 

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i think its more than my gut speaking.  i have worked clinically with many young children with attachment disorders (and older children who graduated to serious mental health disorders).  what was the clinical standpoint of the people directing you to full-time daycare? was it a therapeutic day care? 

 

Then I guess I would say that there are a variety of opinions out there among professionals and you are jumping to one before meeting the child.

 

My daughter was 23 months when she came home.  Her behavior was horrific.  The professionals we worked with came to believe that she was completely overwhelmed by having a one on one relationship with her mother/caregiver.  She had lived in a theraputic foster home with a rotating door of caregivers.  They believed that having rotating caregivers would let her ease into our family and give me a break from the aweful behavior I was trying to manage that was burning me out.  It was not theraputic day care.

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#7 of 46 Old 11-09-2011, 09:01 PM
 
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Questions that might be relevant are: how old are the kids? A newborn in full time daycare is different than a two yr old going to a more "preschool" type setting. Are the kids in daycare now? Is it what they are used to? Is the plan for short term fostering and then reunification, and if so would they be going back to a daycare situation at that point? Many many kids go to daycare, even from six weeks old...and while i've never had to put small children in daycare, IMO its not going to create an attachment disorder where none exists and im not sure its going to worsen one if there is one present (indeed, if there are attachment issues mom might really NEED a break)...IMO its what the parent does when the parent IS WITH the child that is important, and of course the quality of the daycare setting itself. I wouldnt assume that a high quality out-of-home daycare with stable consistent staffing is somehow a worse option than an in-the-home nanny. Often, the foster agency will WANT the kids in some kind of out-of-home care if its available and appropriate.

 

If the mom isnt interested in staying home with the child(ren) im not sure what else you can do. You say this is your field of expertise so i imagine you have access to studies that show the benefit of being home to bond with a parent.

 

The parents should be aware that when the children are placed with them they should qualify for parental leave just as they would if they had given birth to a new baby (i think this is true, the last time i checked?) so perhaps encouraging a little bonding time at home for a few weeks might be a good idea?


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#8 of 46 Old 11-10-2011, 03:28 AM
 
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I'm not a clinical social worker but I have fostered for a long time. I'm also a trained Early Childhood Specialist (and former teacher) and have worked with hundreds (probably thousands) of teachers and children in birth-three classrooms (including those for children who are at risk and/or have special needs.) My (adopted) son was in Early Head Start as a toddler as was my (adopted) daughter. They are now happy, healthy, and attached children. I think that out-of-home care can be very beneficial to a infant or toddler. It's by no means mandatory or even necessary but many, many, many children thrive in child care. Being in child care doesn't mean that the family isn't attachment parenting. That's condescending to the MANY MDC moms who work outside the home. The KEY is finding high quality child care, which is not impossible to do. The foster parents should look for low ratios and low teacher turnover. If there is an Early Head Start (the infant/toddler wing of Head Start) program in their area, they should apply. Early Head Start mandates a 1:4 (many are 1:3) adult/child ratio with a maximum of eight children in a group (but often six.) Their teachers are required (by federal guidelines) to be highly trained in the field of early childhood education. Foster kids score very highly on the scoring criteria because of all of their risk factors so they usually are put at the top of the waiting list. They are also required to have a mental health specialist and a disabilities specialist working to support children (and families) at risk. If there is not an EHS program in their area (or a waiting list,) they should look at lots of programs to find one that is "right" for their family. There are many out there who have wonderful, and caring, teachers. My professional opinion (and from my experience with DS's bio sister,) is that many foster children benefit from being around "typical children" and loose child care "structure" on a regular basis. In fact, in many cases, I'd prefer it to an at-home nanny. And in most cases, Social Services won't pay for a nanny or an unlicensed care provider but they will for a child care center or licensed family child care home. And the cost of care for THREE children will be really high. No matter where the care is provided. Honestly, there aren't that many foster mothers who are able to stay at home. I know that most in my area work. I've been very lucky to be able to be at home quite a bit with my kids (now 7 and almost 5) but it was at a financial hit to my family (as a single mother) but my children's experiences in care have been invaluable to my family and their former teachers are almost part of our family.

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#9 of 46 Old 11-10-2011, 05:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#10 of 46 Old 11-10-2011, 11:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by fosterparent View Post

 I guess this would be considered more attachment therapy.   I realize that the child coming into the home might not have a diagnosis but I think my perspective on this is why wait for one.  We can probably assume that their needs were not met as well as a child raised in a typical home with a healthy well-adjusted mother and therefore I would think their needs would of  course be greater.  Why not, if you can do so (and I know not everyone can), take steps to help remedy any attachment issues that might have been created.   Perhaps going the extra mile (even if it means sacrificing some things, perhaps financially) may be very worthwhile.


It is really important to be clear about the differences between attachment parenting and attachment therapy.  My daughter is in attachement therapy, and sometimes it feels like the opposite of attachment parenting.  For example, my daughter has always needed super clear rules and consequences.  I cannot raise her in a way that feels natural to me.

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#11 of 46 Old 11-10-2011, 02:08 PM
 
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"i came to this forum because it was labeled "ask the expert: Dr. Axeness" who is someone who specializes in the care of adopted children."

 

Just to be clear, this is not Dr. Axeness' forum, that is under the "Ask the Expert" area. There may be a link at the top of THIS forum for her forum, but i havent paid too much attention to it.


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#12 of 46 Old 11-10-2011, 04:11 PM
 
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I don't know about  the doctor, or her qualifications as they relate to foster and adoptive parenting, but she's got her own thread in the "Experts" forum. However, I consider myself to be an expert when it comes to early childhood care and education for at risk children and families. I've worked in the field, provide professional development for teachers, and have worked closely with infant toddler mental health specialists and clinical social workers who are infant/toddler specialists.

 

It's impossible for all foster children to have stay-at-home foster parents. Impossible. Some children really need that and will hopefully be placed with a stay-at-home foster parent. Others will need to be in child care. I know MANY infant/toddler teachers who wear babies in slings, feed on a baby/toddler's individual schedule, etc. Child care centers (at least in my state) support primary care attachments, have connections with mental health specialists, and training in infant/toddler development. Many nannies don't do any of that. I have seen MANY, MANY, MANY VERY at risk children thrive when they were placed in a high quality child care program. My own son was one of them. My son's bio sister would have driven one caregiver absolutely crazy if she were alone with her all day (when she first went into foster care.) Her two teachers, the director, and support staff were fried at the end of the day. As were her foster parents. But, before too long, she was able to relax and begin thriving in care. I know many cases just like that. HIGH QUALITY programs support the intimate relationship between infant/young toddler and one (sometimes two) caregivers.

 

My DD NEVER would have let me sling her. Never. In fact, I've never had a foster baby/toddler foster child (or respite child) who would wear a sling. Some do, some don't.

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#13 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 05:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#14 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 08:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by fosterparent View Post
i would not say its impossible for the family i am referring to to stay home with the child/children.  i know their circumstances and it seems more of a choice which is why i am here looking for resources to pass along to her to help educate her so that perhaps she might reconsider. the choices we make our usually based on our current knowledge of the situation. maybe if she saw some evidence on how AP can really help a child who it at-risk she might make a different choice. like i stated before i have heard of other foster/adoptive parents who have done this. my lactation consultant adopted her daughter as a infant and breastfed her :) of course i realize this is probably not going to happen in this case in particular but there must be other mothers out there who have been in similar situations. i would really like to hear from them.  thanks. 


So you are only looking for support for your opinion then?  Because you say you are interested in hearing from other mothers who have been in this situation, several have answered, and you don't seem to like what they had to say despite their experience and knowledge.  You seem to have already made you mind up as to what is best for this child without knowing the child, what kind of assessment they've had done, and advice to the contrary from experienced mothers. 


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#15 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 11:00 AM
 
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Here is the rub, I think my leaning toward attachment parenting harmed my daughter.  She came us at 23 months with a full set of manipulation skills.  Following her "cues" lead our family down a really bad road.  I think it is way better to encourage the mom to be to be a responsive parent.  Watch for what the child needs and respond.  So if the child is miserable at day care, that is one thing.  But the child may really thrive.

 

Also, I it is worth pointing out that fostering is very upredictable.  Even foster to adopt can end with a child being reunified or with a relative.  I don't know what kind of work the mom to be does, but putting a job in jeapardy for a placement that may not last could be one of her concerns.
 

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 Maybe if she saw some evidence on how AP can really help a child who it at-risk she might make a different choice. like i stated before i have heard of other foster/adoptive parents who have done this. my lactation consultant adopted her daughter as a infant and breastfed her :) of course i realize this is probably not going to happen in this case in particular but there must be other mothers out there who have been in similar situations. i would really like to hear from them.  thanks. 



 

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#16 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 11:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#17 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 11:45 AM
 
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I am sorry the adoptive and foster mothers are being so harsh with you. I have read this thread multiple times and am confused to their anger.

This is an AP and NFL board. I don't get why they do not think AP is appropriate for foster children- as I agree with you that one would think it would be important. I have no reccomendations for you but I do hope someone on here can be nice and give you some information since that's what we are here for.

Marcy is great and please do post to her.


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#18 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#19 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i think i ruffled a few feathers by stating that i asked her to reconsider the "daycare plans".  this seems to be hot topic. again though i am not against daycare just wonder if its the most optimal placement for very young at-risk child. i see now how it could be helpful in certain cases but i am still looking for more info from mothers who have been able to keep their foster children at home and who have helped them develop solid attachments and good relating skills using AP.  thanks for your support. i am glad someone is sifting through all of this  :)

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I don't think they like the expert either- from what I see they rarely ask her anything.

I hope you can find some resources to help this family...I would think basic AP books would be helpful for them too.


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#21 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 12:08 PM
 
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My daughter was preverbal then too.  But her behaviors were manipulative.  At 23 months, she was already able to target our other child.  I even remeber her biting herself to get what she wanted.  It was hard to believe and scary.  Honestly, if someone told me about a kids just like my daughter before I became her mom, I would have thought the parent was crazy because no kid could be like that.

 

Sadly, it took us five therapist to find a helpful one.  We have to drive very far, since there was no one local.  But now things are improving : )

 

About your relatives future child, I assume they are waiting for a placement since you gave an age range?  Hopefully the children will have no attachment problems, but if they do, I would personally advise against a nanny.  We hired a friend to babysit.  My daugher was an angel for the babysitter.  It is really common for kids with attachment problem to be angels for everyone else, and that is really hard on the parents.  I don't think it is healthy for the child either.  But every kid and family is different.  I guess my point is just that knowing what is right is a responsive thing.  It is so hard to know before the child comes home.

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#22 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 01:11 PM
 
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actually no one has really shared a situation that seems to fit.  they spoke about not being able to parent their foster children in the way they may have wanted or that they felt the children were better off in daycare (which i am sure in some cases is true) but no one has told me about their actual experiences using AP for a very young foster child (other than one person who said they could not wear their baby in a sling,maybe that was you).  i am looking to hear if people have had success with AP so i can ask more questions and find possible resources (like good books, articles) so i can pass them along.  please stop attacking me for my inquiries. i am not judging anyone for their parenting decisions i am simply looking for applicable information that i can pass along.  again i thought i was on the experts forum, obviously i am not and i will try to re-ask my question there.



My first foster child (who is now my adopted son) came to me at three weeks of age, totally  healthy. I parented him pretty much the same way i did when my bio child was a baby, i carried him alot, i "bottlenursed", i coslept with him (which, technically, was not allowed so i did have a crib set up in my room), he was not left to cry if i could help it. Basic AP stuff. He responded well to it. He was never in daycare and now at 3 (nearly 4) he has transitioned to Head Start preschool very well. He is appropriately attached.

 

I had another foster child, a little girl 11.5 months at placement, that i had for two months before she went to relatives. She could be aggressive, bite, pull hair, push my son over. She was charming, aggressive in her insistence on physical affection (which was on her terms only), and yes, i'd say "manipulative" in as much as a one yr old can be. I suspected she might have some attachment challenges or be at risk for them in the future. She was totally content to be in a high chair or exersaucer or wherever, and left to her own devices. I tried to cosleep with her once, and she went rigid and kind of seemed confused and uncomfortable. She didnt mind being held i guess (hard for me to remember, it was a couple years ago!) but def. wasnt on the same level in terms of attachment as my son.

 

I've read a little bit about internationally adopted children who may not be used to the type of 1:1 close contact that occurs in families, due to being in an orphanage setting. Yes, AP practices are important in trying to facilitate attachment, but i've read time and again that you have to go at the child's speed. Some children cant handle eye contact while getting a bottle, they can't tolerate lots of physical contact at first.

 

Is this a pre-adopt placement or just regular foster care? Is it likely to be permanent or temporary? Is this a situation where "we are approved to adopt up to three kids ages 0-3" or is there a specific group of children they know, who will be moving in shortly?

 

 


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#23 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 01:21 PM
 
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I don't think they like the expert either- from what I see they rarely ask her anything.

I hope you can find some resources to help this family...I would think basic AP books would be helpful for them too.


I guess i generally find the "been there done that, here's what i'd do differently" advice i can get from other adoptive parents to be more helpful than the advice of a therapist i've never heard of and know nothing about. Nothing against the therapist, its just the advice i'm looking for is more of the "how did you handle this aspect of parenting" vein than something more psychological. Sometimes the best "experts" are those in the trenches, living it. I have a question or two though i was thinking of asking, i just havent gotten around to it.

 


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#24 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 01:39 PM
 
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I'm not an adoptive or foster parent but I am a social worker who has worked in adoption and foster care and have seen families who have practiced attachment parenting. It has definitely not worked well for all kids, but my opinion is that it has been beneficial to the majority of kids.  Also, while attachment parenting and attachment therapy are not the same thing at all, there are some seriously different schools of thought related to attachment therapy.  I have seen a really wide range of attitudes from different attachment therapists...some of them seeming completely cold and un-AP (which has ironically worked for some kids I've seen) to those who are much more nurturing in their approach. 

 

I scanned through all the replies so I'm sorry if I missed this info, but is this family member planning to adopt this child?  Has a TPR been done or is the plan reunification?  I ask because although as a mother, attachment parenting is very important to me, I think in some ways if reunification is the plan, it can set kids up for a lot of trauma when they return home. For instance, I'm pretty opposed to sleep training/CIO, but if I had a foster child who was returning home, I would probably do it knowing there was a substantial chance that this is what the child would experience when returning home and also knowing how stressful it can be for some parents to listen to the crying, etc., at bed time.  I would want the child to be able to be placed in a crib and fall asleep with a minimal amount of fussing, etc., because really that would reduce the stress on the child's parents which is a good thing for that child.   I also didn't notice the age of this child...are we talking infant or preschooler? 

 

I don't know what to suggest to you in terms of daycare because I think the outcome is going to completely depend on this specific child's needs.  Personally I do think that the majority of children I have worked with in the foster care system have done better when they were either in a one-on-one (nanny) type of child care setting or with one of the foster parents.  But, if a loving family is willing to provide foster care, I would not try to place any additional significant demands on the foster parents.  For one thing, a foster child can be returned home or placed with a relative with almost no notice, and then that foster parent is left with no job if you push him/her to reconsider daycare and quit working.  Even if this isn't a big financial burden, I can imagine it could be a large emotional burden.  There are seriously so many terrible foster homes out there, that regardless of whether or not this child is in daycare, chances are, he/she is going to be lucky to be in your family member's home.  I wouldn't want to jeopardize that by making your family member feel like staying home is a requirement if he/she wants to provide foster care.  Just my two cents... good luck to your family.

 

ETA... They are taking three children at the same time, correct?  Because as I think more about that, I realize what a huge change going from 0 to 1 was for our family and I also think about what a huge massive impact having three children placed in a home at the same time has on the majority of foster parents.  My experience has been for the most part that it puts a tremendous strain on the foster parents...tremendous.  Being able to continue working allows that person to a) have a break from parenting and b) maintain some of their identity, routine, and pre-child life.  I think that is even more important for individuals suddenly parenting three additional children than for those parenting one.  Reality is that there are an awful lot of foster parents who take on three children with the best of intentions and push themselves to be perfect and then totally crash and burn because it is just too much.  Going back to the idea of burdening them with additional requirements/responsibilities, as I think about them caring for three children, I think it is even more important not to pressure them.  We've done respite for sibling groups and a few days in I've been about ready to go to sleep and hibernate for three years.  More important, IMO, than not being in daycare, is being able to remain with siblings in the same home with parents who aren't at their absolute limits, without the concern that the parents will request the children be removed because it is just too much.  Changes of placement have a far greater negative impact psychologicall and emotionally. 

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#25 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 01:51 PM
 
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*psychologically...won't allow me to actually edit.

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We're AP parents, and we went from 0 - 2 foster kids with our very first placement. I *thought* we were prepared - I'm the oldest of my siblings, some of whom are a lot younger than me, I'm also the oldest of all my cousins, I've been baby-sitting since I was 11, I taught a wide age range of children, had been a camp counsellor for many, many years, etc, etc. I really was not at all prepared for the strain of an instant family. When you birth a child, you go from pregnant to parenting a newborn with very basic needs, and then that child slowly grows in to a mobile infant and a moving baby, etc, etc. There's time! You figure it out as you go along. Anyway, daycare saved my butt with our foster kids. I worked very hard to connect with them when we were together, but their daycare was a consistent thing from when they first entered care (before then? I don't know). It let me keep my job(s), it helped me keep my sanity, it helped me be a better parent when we were together. They aren't mutually exclusive! I've seen foster parents parent in a very AP manner, have the child attend daycare, and still help the child work through attachment issues in a healthy way. Daycare does not preclude AP, and it isn't necessarily going to cause or exacerbate attachment problems. 

I think the comparisons between foster care and international adoption are very much unfair. The whole point of foster care is reunification. The whole point of international adoption is a permanent member of your family. You approach the two in an entirely different way. Your emotional investment is completely different. I'm not saying you invest less in a foster child, but you do invest differently. The example a pp gave above about the CIO is definitely relevant. One example that comes to mind for me is self-care. With a child I had adopted, I would likely use self-care as a way to bond. I would "baby" the child a little more. I would, for that initial period and if she was receptive, wash her face before bed, or help her get dressed, even if she was capable of these things because it's a good way to establish that bond. With a foster child, I would encourage as much independence as possible. It would be more along the lines of skill acquisition and being able to do all these self-care things themselves. Just because, while reunification might mean that their parents have become awesome parents since their kids have been in care, it might also mean that kids might need to be able to do a few more things independently than other kids their age. I don't know how to say that without being offensive. I know some kids in care are in care for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with neglect, some needlessly, etc, etc. Just, in a large percentage of cases, they could probably be well served knowing how to cook a few healthy meals, practice basic hygiene, etc, with minimal parental involvement. Oh dear, I'm just going to stop writing now before my hole becomes a bottomless pit.  


For greater things are yet to come...

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#28 of 46 Old 11-11-2011, 06:04 PM
 
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We got youngest ds when he was 2 weeks and 2 days. We tired to co sleep. NIGHTMARE!!! He freaked out every time until I put him in his crib. He also would scream when I would try to rock him. You cant force these kids into a AP situation and think everything will be okay. He wasn't out of my care for 2 years. One day I ended up paying a friend that had experience with mental illness watch him a couple days a week for 4 hours. It was the best thing for the both of us. Also I choose to not home school him as he has a plate full of issues and needs full services. The break honestly all day has been wonderful for the entire family.

 

I was of the AP foster mom camp that I could "fix him". He was conceived in chaos, grew in utero in chaos, then spent a nightmare 2 years in chaos. He doesn't understand things the way my bio kids do, and he doesn't like it. It makes him really uncomfortable. I am not going to push my ideas onto him for AP. 

 

We also got one of our dd at 2 1/2. She was very parentified and could tell you she didn't like something. She did not want to co sleep and wanted to be in her own bed ALONE. She also didn't want to cuddle and would hug you on her terms. She is 7 now, and cuddley but not overly. 

 

You need to understand that odd's are these kids were abused. Some even sexually. Forcing them to an AP lifestyle is not comfortable for them and will most likely backfire in the end.


*~Kelly~*
 Waldorf Mom to 9 blessings ~6 by birth and 3 by fost/adopt~

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#29 of 46 Old 11-12-2011, 10:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#30 of 46 Old 11-12-2011, 02:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie2 View Post

I don't think they like the expert either- from what I see they rarely ask her anything.

I hope you can find some resources to help this family...I would think basic AP books would be helpful for them too.


I don' t know the expert. She's never introduced herself or joined in a conversation. I don't know her qualifications in the area of foster care and adoption. We have a psychologist IRL who knows my family and my son's birth family. She's the one I go to for that type of advice. I come here to talk about what it's really like to foster and adopt. It is condescending to assume that foster and adoptive parents can't have a job outside of fostering and still do the job well and meet the needs of the foster child AND foster parents.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post
ETA... They are taking three children at the same time, correct?  Because as I think more about that, I realize what a huge change going from 0 to 1 was for our family and I also think about what a huge massive impact having three children placed in a home at the same time has on the majority of foster parents.  My experience has been for the most part that it puts a tremendous strain on the foster parents...tremendous.  Being able to continue working allows that person to a) have a break from parenting and b) maintain some of their identity, routine, and pre-child life.  I think that is even more important for individuals suddenly parenting three additional children than for those parenting one.  Reality is that there are an awful lot of foster parents who take on three children with the best of intentions and push themselves to be perfect and then totally crash and burn because it is just too much.  Going back to the idea of burdening them with additional requirements/responsibilities, as I think about them caring for three children, I think it is even more important not to pressure them.  We've done respite for sibling groups and a few days in I've been about ready to go to sleep and hibernate for three years.  More important, IMO, than not being in daycare, is being able to remain with siblings in the same home with parents who aren't at their absolute limits, without the concern that the parents will request the children be removed because it is just too much.  Changes of placement have a far greater negative impact psychologicall and emotionally. 
 


That is absolutely true. My son's sister was only able to stay in her first placement as long as she did (about 14 months) because she was in child care during the day. And then her subsequent move (and being cutoff from everyone she knew) was very detrimental to her.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by fosterparent View Post

i can see how an infant would fair better in this situation. a women i know that adopted a child from china when she was 2 used to wear her but unfortunately the child was later diagnosed autistic which is obviously a whole other issue and not something babywearing can remedy.   anyhow i wonder why international cases are treated a bit differently, why are the adopted parents in these situations being urged to do this but not in foster care cases here in the US?  i realize that some of these orphanages are terrible (as was the one this child was adopted from) but i would think that some homes here in the US may be just as damaging.  interesting.  anyhow thanks for sharing your experiences.  it seems like couple i am speaking of already has a family lined up.  i am unsure as to whether it would lead to adoption but i would think it would if it became available. again thanks :)


Foster care and adoption are two separate things. If the foster parent is able (and willing) to stay home, it's wonderful (I did it for quite a while) but if it's not what is right for the individual foster parent (and child,) then it is what it is. There is high quality child care in EVERY state. You just have to look for it. If your friend decides to put the children in a child care center, she's welcome to PM me. I can help her find a great program (as can the child care resource and referral agency in her region.) Hiring the RIGHT nanny is fine but she may be under a lot more scrutiny caring for a foster child (as in the case in some places) and the cost is likely to come out of the foster family's pockets. I'm not saying to put the kids in child care or not put them in child care. It's just not something to do without a lot of thought.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by selkat View Post

We're AP parents, and we went from 0 - 2 foster kids with our very first placement. I *thought* we were prepared - I'm the oldest of my siblings, some of whom are a lot younger than me, I'm also the oldest of all my cousins, I've been baby-sitting since I was 11, I taught a wide age range of children, had been a camp counsellor for many, many years, etc, etc. I really was not at all prepared for the strain of an instant family. When you birth a child, you go from pregnant to parenting a newborn with very basic needs, and then that child slowly grows in to a mobile infant and a moving baby, etc, etc. There's time! You figure it out as you go along. Anyway, daycare saved my butt with our foster kids. I worked very hard to connect with them when we were together, but their daycare was a consistent thing from when they first entered care (before then? I don't know). It let me keep my job(s), it helped me keep my sanity, it helped me be a better parent when we were together. They aren't mutually exclusive! I've seen foster parents parent in a very AP manner, have the child attend daycare, and still help the child work through attachment issues in a healthy way. Daycare does not preclude AP, and it isn't necessarily going to cause or exacerbate attachment problems. 

I think the comparisons between foster care and international adoption are very much unfair. The whole point of foster care is reunification. The whole point of international adoption is a permanent member of your family. You approach the two in an entirely different way. Your emotional investment is completely different. I'm not saying you invest less in a foster child, but you do invest differently. The example a pp gave above about the CIO is definitely relevant. One example that comes to mind for me is self-care. With a child I had adopted, I would likely use self-care as a way to bond. I would "baby" the child a little more. I would, for that initial period and if she was receptive, wash her face before bed, or help her get dressed, even if she was capable of these things because it's a good way to establish that bond. With a foster child, I would encourage as much independence as possible. It would be more along the lines of skill acquisition and being able to do all these self-care things themselves. Just because, while reunification might mean that their parents have become awesome parents since their kids have been in care, it might also mean that kids might need to be able to do a few more things independently than other kids their age. I don't know how to say that without being offensive. I know some kids in care are in care for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with neglect, some needlessly, etc, etc. Just, in a large percentage of cases, they could probably be well served knowing how to cook a few healthy meals, practice basic hygiene, etc, with minimal parental involvement. Oh dear, I'm just going to stop writing now before my hole becomes a bottomless pit.  


Absolutely true. A big part of the job of fostering (and it is a job as well as a joy) is trying to decide what's right for each INDIVIDUAL child's situation. DD was really happy here with my family but she didn't FULLY attach until I went away for a weekend (to our state's foster and adoptive care conference.) She NEEDED me to go away to be sure that I'd really COME BACK.

 

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