Struggling - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 01-28-2012, 09:43 AM - Thread Starter
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This seems like the best place to post this even though I am not an adoptive or foster parent. It's a long story, so those of you who read all of this, I truly appreciate insight.
I am 13 weeks pregnant. completely unexpected. The father knows I am pregnant, Has a history of violence and does not have custody of either of his previous kids (or even unsupervised visitation). I did not find any of this out until way too late. I left him and filed an EPO for threatening behavior but it was dropped due to no physical evidence so he is able to contact me. I have blocked him, moved, etc. But sometimes he still finds a way to contact me. His only concern seems to be whether or not he has to pay child support like he does with his other two children.

I am in no way financially, physically, or emotionally ready to parent this child. I am constantly stressed, I have debilitating chronic pain as it is, a history of pre-eclampsia (almost having a seizure at last delivery), and have been in the hospital 3 times for threatened miscarriage.
If I did not have all the health problems, abortion would not b an option. However, because I have two young children to care for, I am scared to keep this pregnancy. For financial reasons, I may not be able to have one since time is running out. Please, if you have a negative opinion about abortion, keep it to yourself.
Which leads me to adoption. The father has not contacted me in a few weeks. I doubt he will. Due to his history of violence and drug use, he is not fit to have a child.
If I went to put this child up for adoption and told them wo the father was, is it likely they would 'give him a chance' even with his prior history? Would the child go to him by default? As far as I know, he has told nobody I am pregnant, and I haven't told anyone either. I doubt he would sign his parental rights away, but I am terrified with what would happen if the child went to him. I would parent the child by myself, even in this bad situation if the alternative was him having the child. I want the child to have a real family who can provide a good life.

Single mama to DD8. Feminist. Queer. UU. Poly. Disabled.
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#2 of 5 Old 01-29-2012, 05:32 AM
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Hi there. I am sorry to hear of your situation. :(    In most states that I am familiar with, a biological parent, if known, is given a chance to parent the child until courts determine otherwise. So if he was named on the birth certificate, the baby could not be placed for adoption unless his parental rights were terminated. This can take quite a while in the courts if he contested. If he signed off right away and gave up parental rights, it would be quick. But things like this get quirky, particularly if grandparents get involved (his parents) and pressure him to stick it out, etc.


Some women choose not to ever name the father on the birth certificate and give the child their own last name. If this is done, then in many states, the mother can never go after child support, unless there is paternity testing (which the father must cooperate with).  But I believe you could place the baby for adoption without going through TPR (term of parental rights) with him if you did not name him.


So there are pros and cons to it. You should probably check the statutes in Kentucky to see if this is true there.


If you decide to place the baby, I'm sure everyone here would recommend that you find a very reputable agency to help you and to stay away from the crisis pregnancy centers and such, as they usually have a very high pressured approach.


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#3 of 5 Old 01-29-2012, 06:58 AM
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Lauren is right about some things, and off about others.

1st - if you are not married to the father, he will not be placed on the birth certificate unless he signs an affidavit of paternity, which you have to sign as well. He has no rights unless he is on the birth certificate, and no obligation for support. Which means that you can place the baby without his permission.

2nd - if you decide to parent the child, you CAN pursue child support at any time, but would have to prove paternity, and would need to locate the father. He can be compelled by the court to go through DNA testing, and if he refuses, some states will pursue child support anyway (states don't want children to become dependents of the state, so will find ways to get money from the non custodial parent).

I think I addresses everything, but I'll come back to follow this thread.
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#4 of 5 Old 01-29-2012, 08:15 AM
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I know it all looks impossible to you right now, but there is still 6 months til your babe is due!


The desperation you're feeling is about things that HAVE NOT HAPPENED YET...Take a deeeep breath Mama and try not to allow fight or flight dictate your life.  I've faced similar circumstances (twice) and regret the times I gave in to fear.  You're looking at extremely permanent solutions to a very temporary situation.


You are an incredibly resilient, resourceful, and loving mom.  Just look at what you've weathered already!  


The new babe's immense life force is helping you break from constraint...GO WITH IT!


Find a safe refuge for your family and surround yourself with supportive people...You are irreplaceable to your babes.


Research adoption:



Wanting "the child to have a real family who can provide a good life" is undeniably YOU!


PM me if you'd like to talk about your dilemma and need help finding resources, you are not alone in this!


Give things time to change Thatgirliknew







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#5 of 5 Old 01-29-2012, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post
1st - if you are not married to the father, he will not be placed on the birth certificate unless he signs an affidavit of paternity, which you have to sign as well. He has no rights unless he is on the birth certificate, and no obligation for support. Which means that you can place the baby without his permission.


Be careful, this is not always true either.  Especially if the father knows about the baby.  Yes, in some states it is allowed and even encouraged for expectant moms to "hide" the baby in this way and attempt to get around the other parent's rights but it is changing in others and there can be (and have been) lawsuits over it (though once you sign away your rights, you don't have to worry about it, it would be the adoptive family that would have to deal with it).  Other states have paternity registries, where fathers have a certain number of days to register before their rights can be terminated.


Would it be likely in this case that the father would pursue registry and all that other stuff?  No.  However, the above blanket statement is NOT TRUE in all jurisdiction.  In some, birthfathers *do* have rights even if they are not on the birth certificiate (thought it require proactive things on their part), and while a mother certainly can sign away HER rights at will, it does not mean that the adoption can or will be finalized if there is a claim within the legal boundaries by a birthfather.  That is one reason why adoption is not final the minute rights are relinquished.

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