For those with infertility issues..... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 02-14-2012, 11:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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How do you know when you are done trying to have a baby? How do you know adoption is for you. I can picture myself doing this, and I have an adopted sister who I love like the real deal.

 

What are some questions I should ask myself and my husband.

 

We are thinking about starting the process in December, so that gives us some time to make sure this is the right thing for us.

 

I have struggled trying to get pregnant with #2 since October 2009, and after 7 losses, I am starting to think that my body just is not capable of carrying a baby to term anymore. I mean I have crohns, and its under control, so maybe having a baby by birth is pushing my luck.

 

Anyway.....Thanks for any support, and dont be afraid to ask me the hard questions I need to hear.


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#2 of 25 Old 02-14-2012, 02:37 PM
 
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Hugs, mama. I often wonder how many people DO finally put it to bed.  I finally did, but I don't know EXACTLY when it happened.  I think the last loss--early second trimester, multiple problems including genetics, and taking me with her--I'm pretty sure that sealed the deal  :(  That's after my bioson's pregnancy and birth from absolute hell.  We already had an adoptive placement and wouldn'tchya know, I got pregnancy 8 weeks later unbeknownst to me or anyone else (they thought I had cancer when we found her).

 

I'd had losses already.  They didn't do it.  But they were more typical miscarriages (I realize how insane that sounds, but there's no comparison to my last loss & I don't know how to describe it)

 

For whatever reason, after losing Caroline, I knew I was completely done.  We finalized on my daughter and that was really it.  That being said, when we got the call for my daughter, my son was about to be 5yo and I had only really truly come to peace with having one child just weeks before we were called for her.  In fact, our adoptive license was due to expire in 3 months and we weren't renewing it.  Ironic.  Actually, when we found out she was a newborn, I was concerned about taking her in because I truly felt like we had a vision for our life with just us three.  I felt like I HAD put it to bed at that point.  But we took her, so maybe not...?

 

She's now 3yo and I love her (and our life) more than anything.  But I felt done for a long time. 

 

I can't imagine what you could ask yourselves that would give you a definitive answer.  Maybe someone else will have good ideas or resources to help guide you.


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#3 of 25 Old 02-14-2012, 03:01 PM
 
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I would reccomend reading adoption blogs- by adoptee's adoptive parents, and biological parents and see if that is something you could see yourself being a part of.

 

I also would read alot by Betty Jean Lifton, and Nancy Verrier- they write about adoptees and the adoptee experience.

 


mdcblog5.gifsaynovax.giffambedsingle2.gifhomebirth.jpg

 

 

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#4 of 25 Old 02-14-2012, 03:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Heather I am so sorry for your losses. My losses were all really early. My specialist thinks they are related to my autoimmune disease, and he has no idea when, if ever this will stop happening. I have tried all kinds of diets, herbs, and supplements to balance both my hormones, and balance my immune system to no avail. I am just thankful I have a treatment that is working with little side effects to my everyday life. I am just tired of having to work hard to be normal.

 

I tried to have a heart to heart with my DH today. I told him I was done TTC, and I was only trying for him at this point, and that I really believe my body just cant do it. We came to a compromise. We will give it our best shot till June and then we will make an appointment with an agency.

 

I really do think I am ready to put this all to bed. I just need time to process everything that happened and mourn all my efforts over the last couple years.


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#5 of 25 Old 02-14-2012, 04:57 PM
 
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Hugs.  Is it Factor 5 or antiphospholipid syndrome?  I have the latter (and hyperinsulinism).  When I got pregnant with one of the losses before my son, they had no clue how I managed that and said they couldn't guarantee it would ever happen again.  Lovely.

 

We fostered first because we had a bio and really, I couldn't be sure we'd love a non-bio as much as a bio.  I never wanted to be in that position with one of my kids.  Of course, our first placement put that concern to bed.  :)

 

I'm wondering if there are infertility support groups...?  Even if online ones.


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#6 of 25 Old 02-14-2012, 05:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do have heterozygous factor V leiden, and a slight protein C deficiency, I also developed drug induced lupus from one of the drugs I was taking. Pretty sucktastic. There is an infertility section on MDC but its for women that are still trying to get pregnant, not women that are done. There is also the TTC after loss section which has been really welcoming.


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#7 of 25 Old 02-14-2012, 08:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Lydiah View Post

Heather I am so sorry for your losses. My losses were all really early. My specialist thinks they are related to my autoimmune disease, and he has no idea when, if ever this will stop happening. I have tried all kinds of diets, herbs, and supplements to balance both my hormones, and balance my immune system to no avail. I am just thankful I have a treatment that is working with little side effects to my everyday life. I am just tired of having to work hard to be normal.

 

I tried to have a heart to heart with my DH today. I told him I was done TTC, and I was only trying for him at this point, and that I really believe my body just cant do it. We came to a compromise. We will give it our best shot till June and then we will make an appointment with an agency.

 

I really do think I am ready to put this all to bed. I just need time to process everything that happened and mourn all my efforts over the last couple years.


Have you talked about aspirin, heparin or IVIG with your doctor? All are considered to possibly help with autoimmune issues.

 


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#8 of 25 Old 02-14-2012, 09:38 PM
 
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Have you talked about aspirin, heparin or IVIG with your doctor? All are considered to possibly help with autoimmune issues.

 



Actually, you have to get past the first trimester and that's the nightmare.  It's not just the factor 5 problem--it's the countless hormonal imbalances that go with it that keep you from getting past the first trimester if you've been affected long enough.  There is great debate about the efficacy of aspirin in any pregnancy and I haven't met anyone doing heparin, lovenox or ivig in the first trimester...?


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 There is great debate about the efficacy of aspirin in any pregnancy and I haven't met anyone doing heparin, lovenox or ivig in the first trimester...?


I would recommend the immunology support yahoogroup, if you are not familiar. Those are absolutely done in the first trimester, and some think they have to be started right away or it is already too late.

 

So sorry to read of everything you have been through. We never quite made the decision, as there was no way for us to adopt. (We are abroad.) After years of secondary infertility, we decided to become a short term foster family for babies. I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks after we received our first placement. Made sense, in a way, as I think our problems had been with implantation and those first 2 weeks had been absolutely busy, nuts and full of emotion. Our bio child will be 7 by the time this baby is born.

 


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#10 of 25 Old 02-15-2012, 09:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Certain drugs are contraindicated with crohns. That being said I did try baby aspirin during one of my BFP cycles and it didnt pan out. I have been on prednisone during a couple of my BFP cycles and that didnt work out either. IVIG is not an option for me, because I live in an isolated community and the doctors dont know much about it around here, and I am not willing to drive 8 hours to the nearest fertility clinic.

 

I really do think I am done with all the TTC stuff, in that I feel I have done everything in my power to make it work and it hasnt. I guess thats a good thing, because it will be easier to make peace with. I no longer feel there is something that I havent tried yet.

 

The agency I am interested in working with has a workshop in June. Which is about the time I want to stop TTC. I agreed with my DH to give it a few more cycles before we move on. He is really great about this, in that he just really wants another baby too.


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#11 of 25 Old 02-15-2012, 09:42 AM
 
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There was a point when they were doing IVIG on day of transfer and then at a few weeks into the pregnancy. I don't know if they still do it now. And they were starting heparin around time of transfer. 

 

Lydiah, perhaps do some internet searches to give to your local doctor. If you're not using a reproductive specialist, you may not get pregnant. It seems worth an 8 hour drive to me. Really, 20 years from now are you going to say, "Why didn't we just drive the 8 hours. Would the cost of a motel room put us in poverty?" I suppose one way to consider it is if you can't afford a Motel 6 for one night , can you afford a baby for 18 years?


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#12 of 25 Old 02-15-2012, 11:47 AM
 
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There was a point when they were doing IVIG on day of transfer and then at a few weeks into the pregnancy. I don't know if they still do it now. And they were starting heparin around time of transfer. 

 

Lydiah, perhaps do some internet searches to give to your local doctor. If you're not using a reproductive specialist, you may not get pregnant. It seems worth an 8 hour drive to me. Really, 20 years from now are you going to say, "Why didn't we just drive the 8 hours. Would the cost of a motel room put us in poverty?" I suppose one way to consider it is if you can't afford a Motel 6 for one night , can you afford a baby for 18 years?


Wow... that's kind of harsh.  The OP made it clear that she's really done with this process.  Why would it be so bad to make your peace with something that is no longer motivating you anymore and adopt?  I can't imagine in 20 years thinking that and looking at my adopted daughter.  Wow...!


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#13 of 25 Old 02-15-2012, 12:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Its not that we cant afford it. Its that there are no guarantees and it would likely take more than one trip. It would take many trips that I dont want to take on crappy mountain roads, especially in the winter time. I already have to see a specialist 4 hours away to treat my crohn's disease. We also travel enough to visit extended family. We are a one income family that I supplement with babysitting, and we do very well. I did think it was a little harsh though.

 

I did start this thread to help sort out some thoughts, and I did ask for the tough questions so its my fault I suppose.


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#14 of 25 Old 02-15-2012, 08:09 PM
 
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I didn't mean to be harsh. Actually, I'm trying to do one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for you. However, you came here asking how one knows they are done. Then you said you're going to give it your best shot until June. I understand you're confused and tired. I can't imagine having been wounded 7 times. Yet you say you're going to give it your best shot. Do you really mean that? Or are you just saying it to get your husband off your back? You said to ask the hard questions.

 

Once upon a time I was seeing a counselor. I was so lonely and desperately wanted a relationship. I went to a counselor and told her how horrible I felt. I said, "I REALLY want a relationship." She said, "No you don't." I was taken aback. How dare she say that to me. "Yes, I REALLY do." She shook her head. "If you want a job, you fill out applications, go to businesses to talk to people, send out resumes. Same with a boyfriend. If you want to meet someone you go places where you can actually meet someone. You're not doing that."

 

Needless to say, I was beyond pissed. How dare she tell me what I did and didn't want? I left that appointment FURIOUS. And I certainly had no intentions of ever going back there again.

 

Yet over the next week, I thought about what she said. If I wanted to be in a relationship, I had to take the actual steps I needed to meet someone. I had to do more than sit in my livingroom and complain how lonely I was.

 

She was the best counselor I ever saw and I'm grateful for how in my face she was.

 

So here's the hard question, if you're giving it your best shot, why aren't you giving it your best shot? To not see a specialist given all the problems you've had seems rather counterproductive. I fear you are going to end up pregnant again (since your difficulties seems to be 'staying' pregnant rather than getting pregnant) and you are going to have loss number 8 and you will be devastated. Yet if you'd make the 8 hour drive, no matter how disagreeable, you might actually get help and be able to stay pregnant.

 

For the sake of your heart, I hope you'll reconsider trying until June. If you really are done, then don't keep trying. It could be really awful. And if you mean it when you say you want to keep trying, then actually do something about it. I just don't see how you can have a positive outcome if you do what you've done 7 times before.

 

I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's genuinely meant to be kind. In the bigger sense of the word, not in how you'll feel when you read this.


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#15 of 25 Old 02-16-2012, 03:42 AM
 
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I have to agree with everything that SundayCrepes said. BUT, maybe that is the answer right there. Maybe you have already come to a place where you are ready to move on, as it does seem you do not want to pursue things any further. (Sorry if it sounds harsh to claim you are not trying, or whatever, but it does seem like you need something different and more in order to succeed.) That seems like an answer in a way, does it now? Maybe you still want some months in order to really be able to let go of the old thoughts but it does sound like you have already made up your mind in some ways...

 

 

 

 


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#16 of 25 Old 02-16-2012, 09:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am ready to move on, but my husband and I are a team, so if he wants to try until June, then that is what we will do. I am not willing to deal with doctors anymore about my health issues more than I have to. I am happy with the wisdom offered by the OB/GYN. These treatments are highly controversial and not a guarantee. I am not silly for not wanting to travel extensively, dragging my 4 year old along, for long car rides for however many days at a time, and risking our lives on the highway over and over again. This is not likely to be solved in just one trip.

 

So is the implication that because I don't want to subject myself to anymore medical intervention than I have already been through, that I must not really want a baby? You have no idea what my body has been through and how sick and tired I am of medications. One of my crohns meds gave me lupus for crying out loud. I really am thankful that my health is under control. I want to move on and enjoy having a family and raising my child, and any more children that I may have in the future. Did I mention that I am on immunosuppressants? My immune system is about as suppressed as its going to get. As for IVIG, I dont like the idea of having a product made from 1000 peoples blood in my body. I know the risk is low, but if I got a disease, it would surely kill me. Heparin is a blood thinner, and crohns disease is an ulcerative disease. I dont think I want to thin my blood when I have ulcers in my digestive tract.

 

I have been thinking about this all week, I really think I am ready to put this TTC business behind me.


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#17 of 25 Old 02-16-2012, 09:47 AM
 
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I have been thinking about this all week, I really think I am ready to put this TTC business behind me.



Then I think you need to be honest with your DH about that, and tell him  you want to stop trying. Just because he wants to try until June, doesn't mean that YOU compromise and try until June, compromise means that BOTH people give a little. Not just one. And this may be a situation where compromise isn't a good option - especially since your health sounds like it is fragile enough. Pregnancy can be a healthy condition, but it isn't always, and it sounds like if you had a complicated pregnancy the results could be devastating to your family. If you're done, then its time to stop trying just to please your DH. You both may need time to grieve that you won't be getting pregnant, and be sad about not TTC'ing anymore, and thats perfectly OK. It's ok for him to be sad about it - its not OK for him to decide when you stop trying if its not right for you.

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#19 of 25 Old 02-16-2012, 01:43 PM
 
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I'm not saying the op can't want a baby but be done with trying to have one. And given her medical conditions, if it were me I would not choose to get pregnant. However, I can't see how someone's going to give it their best shot and not seek help. She can say they're going to see what happens, etc., but it's not the same as giving it their best shot.

 

Frankly, given her history it sounds like getting pregnant again without getting help from a specialist could only be a painful thing. Most likely if she gets pregnant again, she will lose the pregnancy. How does that help her? And why is her husband asking that of her? If he wants another bio-baby so bad, why isn't he doing something that has a chance of success rather than put his wife through another miscarriage. It sounds like her body and soul are taxed enough.

 

So, op, if you are really done and don't want the possibility of another miscarriage tell that to your husband. Yes, couples have to see a win-win situation (where you look for an outcome where everyone wins versus a compromise where it is expected everyone will lose something.) And maybe the win-win here will be hard. But it seems totally unreasonable if you do not want to put YOUR body through it that your husband not respect that.


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#20 of 25 Old 02-16-2012, 02:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband will respect any choice I make.......he did not pressure me into anything. He is actually pretty awesome. My best shot, isnt THE best shot its MY best shot. The best I can do with what I have. And its not just my shot, its our shot.


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#21 of 25 Old 02-17-2012, 06:53 AM
 
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Hugs to you for what you have been through. I have had three losses and the third was so hard that I knew I never wanted to go through it again.

Everyone's decision of when they are done and not done are their own personal decisions. Some people would probably judge me for going too far and some for not going far enough in assisted reproduction.

I will answer your question about how I knew we were done.

I had a DS with a picture perfect pregnancy aside from maybe gaining a few too many pounds and a perfect delivery and very healthy adorable kid. winky.gif We didn't struggle to have him, but I did have endometrial scar tissue removed as I had complete blockage of both tubes and adhesions on bowel, bladder, uterus, tubes, and ovaries. Once we got pregnant and delivered the doctor assured us that we wouldn't have issues having another child. I nursed until he weaned and then started trying for number 2 when he was 2 years old. We struggled and took clomid and tried other interventions until finally we were convinced to do IVF as we were "perfect candidates". Healthy, no reason for infertility, healthy previous pregnancy and we were only around 30 years old and had great AMH and great sperm count, though slightly low motility. My first IVF resulted in twins that I lost. I then had a saline ultrasound later that year and got pregnant on our own that cycle and lost that one at 5 weeks. We started another cycle (my DH was probably done at that point but I wanted to give it one more shot). That cycle I was overdosed on a med due to pharmacy error and cancelled cycle several days into stimming. We waited and started again right before Xmas. I again got pregnant and again lost the baby. I then spent over $1000 on genetic testing and to see a miscarriage specialist only to not be given any answers. We still had, I think 12 embryos left from that IVF but we decided not to pursue a transfer again and donated them.

My DH and I made a deal before the second IVF that we would pursue both options at the same time, foster care/adoption and pregnancy knowing that we wanted to adopt eventually anyway no matter the outcome. We were going to do foster care adoption so we had assumed it would be likely to get a 2-5 year old so if we had gotten pregnant we still would have done foster care. A year after my third loss we had a beautiful baby girl placed with us through foster care that we adopted. Another year later another beautiful baby girl that was placed with us that we are adopting.

My husband and I always wanted to adopt, so it was a decision we would have made eventually anyway. I, like you, have an adopted sister so it pulled on my heart and I knew that bio/adopted is no difference in love.

Good luck in your decision and your path forward. No one can tell you when it is the right time for you to step away but hopefully with others stories and experiences you can settle on YOUR best decision.


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#22 of 25 Old 02-17-2012, 10:36 AM
 
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I don't really know how you know... I knew when I realized we'd gone way beyond my comfort zone in terms of attempting to get pregnant. We saw a specialist just to see if there were any issues and that snowballed quickly into IVF, frozen embryos and lots of drugs and shots that just weren't what I wanted to be doing. But frankly, I never really cared to get pregnant to begin with, til we started on that path. Then I was desperate to succeed. But DH and I had already talked about adopting ages before that, and I was fine with that plan from the start. When it was time to start talking kids, DH got freaked out by the stories of $50,000 adoption fees and decided to TTC first. Then it snowballed and we hit bottom and realized that we had the right plan all along and went with that. And it wasn't anywhere close to $50,000.

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#23 of 25 Old 02-17-2012, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel so hopeful and pissed off at the same time. I think I will need the next couple months to work through some things. Thats for sure.


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#24 of 25 Old 02-18-2012, 09:09 PM
 
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You asked how we know we're "done" TTC and ready to adopt... Obviously that's going to be very different for everyone. For us it went like this... I wanted at least two children, one adopted and one bio. After a few years of marriage without conception I pushed for adoption. My husband is very easy-going and open-minded so I didn't have to push hard. Lucky me :) While going through that process and realizing it was more difficult than we anticipated, we decided to figure out our fertility issues. It turns out that I might be able to conceive but either I'd need a sperm donor or we could do IVF. Neither are very appealing to me. Looking into it a bit and discussing it with my husband we don't think we're going to go any further. It would be difficult to find a good sperm donor for me (a few medical issues that make it a little trickier than usual) and we're just not that comfortable with it. And IVF... well, I explained to my friend "you know how difficult this adoption has been? Well imagine going through that kind of emotional difficultly while being injected with a bunch of crazy hormones! I don't want to do that. it will land me straight into the mental hospital."  So... We're going to go straight away into a second adoption instead. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and I'm probably still grieving the loss of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and seeing my and my husband's likeness in a child. But at the same time I ache for the children waiting to be adopted. I feel a tremendous guilt at even wanting a bio child when there are so many needy children without homes. I might grieve the loss of a bio child just a little bit for the rest of my life. But I look forward to our second adoption. And I know in the long run my children are all that matter - however they come to be my children.

 

For us, the issue wasn't really a linear TTC -> fertility treatments -> adoption. The issues were: first, how many children? then, what family planning method makes the most sense for us?

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#25 of 25 Old 02-19-2012, 07:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for all your stories. I really appreciate them. 


Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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