question for those IN an open adoption relationship on dynamics - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 37 Old 02-21-2012, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to say that I really do not expect them to dote on or adore my other children. A simple hi how are you and how is school going would probably be enough. My issue was mainly that they specifically requested they not be there... to me that feels like going a step past fake niceties, a step past ignoring them completely, and to the point of actually excluding them. It is confusing for me, becuase they told us that the main reason they chose our family is because they wanted their daughter to have siblings, not just siblings, but older sisters. Why then are they dismissing that relationship and asking to see dd without her sisters?


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#32 of 37 Old 02-21-2012, 01:12 PM
 
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Maybe they want it to be calmer..... maybe they can't afford gifts for all three children?  Maybe it is overwhelming for them?  You could always ask them. If I only got to see my child three times a year I may want to only see my child- I don't know.... I can't fathom only seeing my child every 4 months...

 

I can tell you about when my birthmom comes to visit- and I don't want my kids here because I want her all to myself and no distractions.

I might have them here for a day or two but then mainly I just want it to be me and her.... I don't want to share her.


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#33 of 37 Old 02-21-2012, 01:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sesa70 View Post

I just want to say that I really do not expect them to dote on or adore my other children. A simple hi how are you and how is school going would probably be enough. My issue was mainly that they specifically requested they not be there... to me that feels like going a step past fake niceties, a step past ignoring them completely, and to the point of actually excluding them. It is confusing for me, becuase they told us that the main reason they chose our family is because they wanted their daughter to have siblings, not just siblings, but older sisters. Why then are they dismissing that relationship and asking to see dd without her sisters?



I didn't realize they specifically asked that your other children not be there.  I just re-read your initial post more carefully and I totally missed that the first time.  But I could understand them wanting the one-on-one time with their birthchild.  I truly wouldn't be offended if they asked that there not be other children there for their visit.  Just because they want their birthchild's life to be filled with the joy of siblings doesn't mean that they want the very little time they have to connect with her spent trying to focus on so much going on.  But even then, I would be surprised if they didn't ask about their birthchild's day-to-day world and the people she lives with.  Maybe it's just because it's new to them and it just really hasn't fully taken hold in their mind yet.


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#34 of 37 Old 02-21-2012, 03:59 PM
 
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For my family, at this point in time, birth parent visits with only "their" child just isn't feasible.  There's about 75 minutes between where DS's grandmother now lives and my home and about 90 minutes from DD's birth father's town and my home. I don't have any family in the area and I can't (and am really not willing to pay a babysitter $12-$15 an hour so we can go alone to a visit. So, for us, it really would be a deal breaker. It sounds cold, but it's a reality. And really, I don't want to do it. Maybe once, but not more than that.

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#35 of 37 Old 02-22-2012, 09:13 AM
 
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Sesa, I think one thing that some of other posters and the birthparents just don't get is that you have a really hard year.  You have worked so hard to get to the place you are at.  And to be honest, as someone who has been "friends" with you for years, the idea that your other children not be present at the visit made me see red.  I don't know why they requested this, but as on over protective mom to a girl with special needs myself, it made my skin crawl.  I think it is so easy for others to see their place as the hardest, but everyone needs to take a step back.

 

I think the most important thing in planning visits is putting the kids first, but I do think all of the kids, as a family unit.  I have insisted that my daughter's birthmother visit us without her son.  But that was due to a very complicated situation.  He was born during one of the very long stretches when she was not communicating with our daughter.  We wanted our daughter to have slow transition to the idea the L had another child.  That was a deal breaker for L and she dropped out of the picture again.  I still feel badly, but it was the right decision for our daughter.  Now, fast forward a year and a half, and we do fun things together with all of the kids.

 

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#36 of 37 Old 02-22-2012, 09:20 AM
 
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I also think as the baby gets older, this will get way easier.  Visits will become about doing something together, and that is so much less stressful.  How far away are the baby's birthparents?

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#37 of 37 Old 02-22-2012, 02:33 PM
 
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I didn't realize they had asked to have visits with just your youngest daughter.  I can see how that would rub you the wrong way, but I also think it's natural that they would want to soak up as much time as they can with your baby girl.  After all, she *is* changing so much in these first couple years...it must seem like, every time they visit, they're meeting an entirely different and new child.  And what Tigerchild said about their grief being new, their experience being new, is so true-- It may be too much for them, at this point, to widen their perspective to include an entire family.  I'm sure it will come, though.  Just give them some time. 

 

I haven't "lost" a child to adoption, but for other reasons.  All I know is that grief is hard, and that it shows itself so differently from person to person.  When someone is grieving, they don't act like their normal selves.  They may try, but sometimes they come across as insensitive, or rude, or distant, or disconnected...it takes a long while to start functioning normally again, and to (for lack of a better way of putting it) get your social skills back.  I think it took me a couple of years after losing J, and even now I sometimes feel like I'm operating on a slightly different wavelength than the rest of the world.  Could this be what's happening with your daughter's bio family?  Maybe they're trying, but they're still so wrapped up in their own grief and experience that they can't see how their behavior looks to people on the outside?


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