Need new strategies on how to shut down the adoption conversation with other adults - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 46 Old 06-08-2012, 08:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
marsupial-mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 779
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

OK, here's one that drives me nuts: "I worry that I wouldn't love an adopted child as much as my own."

Ugh! I hate that!  I want to tell them that if they worry about that then please just keep it to themselves because by expressing that fear to me, an adoptive mom, you're basically saying that my love for my child is inferior to your love for your child and that's a really rude thing to say.

marsupial-mom is offline  
#32 of 46 Old 06-09-2012, 05:24 PM
 
RedOakMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: A little stone house
Posts: 6,913
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

That one doesn't bother me, unless it's said without thinking.  To me, it seems like an honest statement--people really do think/fear that.  I know I did.  Whenever I've had someone say that, and usually it feels more like a guilty admission rather than a casual flip of conversation, I usually say "I think a lot of people worry about that at first."  Because they do.


I've never thought to take it as a judgment....I don't think the person saying it is saying anything about me or how I feel about my kids.  It feels, to me at least, like a statement that is very much rooted in the other person's thoughts on adoption and their own fears of not doing well as an adoptive parent. 
 


RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
RedOakMomma is offline  
#33 of 46 Old 06-12-2012, 08:08 AM
 
sesa70's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,171
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I have gotten to the point where I  mostly just hate people now :(

I have two adopted children, one obviously so, one kind of obvious and one disabled daughter. Between those two factors I feel like our lives are like a three ring circus every time we leave the house.

 

The other day I had my 6.5 year old with me at a friends house. My daughter is good friends with my friends daughter, and she was having a potluck thing. Some random other guest I didn't know asked if she was my 'real' daughter or if she was adopted. I said she is my real daughter and she was adopted. She asked if I had other kids, and if they were real or adopted. WTF lady? I said our kids joined our family both by birth and by adoption and they are all real and all really mine. She didn't seem to get that she was being rude. 

 

And then of course there is always the random grocery store type experience of "are they yours? or are they adopted?" I have said they are mine and they are adopted at least a dozen times.

 

With my middle daughter, I always get "where did she get all that black hair? Where did she get her brown skin?" and with the baby I always get "Oh look at all that blonde hair! Oh she is so fair! Where did she get her big blue eyes?" I wonder why anyone cares. I mean really! They each are who they are. Does it matter where their features came from? And the looks I get when they are all together :)


Proud mom of three!  Special needs teen princess wheelchair.gif , 7 year old happy girl modifiedartist.gif , and my flower toddlerhearts.gif

sesa70 is offline  
#34 of 46 Old 06-12-2012, 12:08 PM
 
RedOakMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: A little stone house
Posts: 6,913
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Sesa, do you ever get people assuming that your oldest daughter is adopted because she has special needs?  I've run into that a few times with our oldest when we're all out together.  Dd1 is Korean-American, so obviously adopted in our family, but then they see ds1 with special needs and make the leap that he's adopted too.  Our dd2 and ds2 are assumed to be our biological children.  I wonder why they assume ds1 is adopted?  Because our other biological children aren't special needs?  Because they would assume we wouldn't adopt just once?  I've always wanted to ask, but so far the opportunity hasn't presented itself.
 


RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
RedOakMomma is offline  
#35 of 46 Old 06-12-2012, 02:17 PM
 
sesa70's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,171
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post

Sesa, do you ever get people assuming that your oldest daughter is adopted because she has special needs?  I've run into that a few times with our oldest when we're all out together.  Dd1 is Korean-American, so obviously adopted in our family, but then they see Ian with special needs and make the leap that he's adopted too.  Our dd2 and ds2 are assumed to be our biological children.  I wonder why they assume ds1 is adopted?  Because our other biological children aren't special needs?  Because they would assume we wouldn't adopt just once?  I've always wanted to ask, but so far the opportunity hasn't presented itself.
 

yes, all the time! Though, for the sake of not singling out some of the kids I don't particularly like to say which kids were adopted and which are bio. Older dd doesn't care, in fact, when people start asking she starts laughing :)

 

Middle dd is very obviously hispanic. On multiple occasions I have had people look at me with her, then proceed to speak to her in spanish and me in english! Ok, so now she is 6.5 but the first few times she was a toddler.


Proud mom of three!  Special needs teen princess wheelchair.gif , 7 year old happy girl modifiedartist.gif , and my flower toddlerhearts.gif

sesa70 is offline  
#36 of 46 Old 06-18-2012, 07:16 AM
 
WifeMomChiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 189
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My DD is biological (and caucasian like my husband and myself) and my DS is adopted and biracial.  We get a lot of people assuming that my DD is adopted too.  I really don't mind talking about adoption with people, but at some point it does get old.  I knew that going into a transracial adoption, we were going to automatically have to talk about it more, but I had no idea that people could be so rude.  I have to remind myself that the mass majority of people are just curious and overall kind.  Our DS is adorable (I'm biased, but he is) and we get so many more comments about how adorable he is than comments about adoption. 

 

I did have a patient the other day say, "It's so great that you saved that baby."  I did take the time to correct her and say that we were the ones who were truly blessed and if we hadn't been chosen to be his parents, there were many other waiting families who would have loved to be his parents.  She just said, "Oh. I never thought of it that way."
 


Wife to my DH for 10 wonderful years.joy.gif

Mom to L (5 yo DD) and J (infant DS)  adoptionheart-1.gif

Chiropractor to many.  novaxnocirc.gif

WifeMomChiro is offline  
#37 of 46 Old 06-18-2012, 10:19 AM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,528
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

 Though, for the sake of not singling out some of the kids I don't particularly like to say which kids were adopted and which are bio. 

 

I have a whole new set of feelings around this, with our current foster placement who may become available for adoption. I have no idea why - his older age? the fact that he's not a transracial placement? - but suddenly it's NOBODY'S BUSINESS who is in this family is a biokid and who is not. Nobody is getting that information out of me. Obviously, most people we see on a daily basis will just know, because they knew us before we had this placement. But if we get to adopt and get to move? He can tell whoever he wants, but I'm never telling anybody. They can think I had two babies 6 months apart. Or I'll tell them that the bio kid is the adopted one. It's not that I want to keep his life story a secret, it's that I am offended by the distinction

Smithie is offline  
#38 of 46 Old 06-18-2012, 10:43 AM
 
Mom31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: America
Posts: 3,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

As I got older( after age 6) the questions were asked to ME.  Who is the real child and who is the bio one.  My brother and I are very close in age- 12 months and 13 days apart.  People forgot which one was adopted and usually asked.  I also remember the statement very clearly that many people said-  how wonderful that my adoptive parents got to have their own child!!!  ( their bio son my adoptive brother)

 

I was not prepared to emotionally handle these questions.  I do not think it was ever discussed in my family how they felt about it , how I felt being asked etc. I was also told my virtual strangers how lucky I was.  At the time I just remember feeling strange but would and could have a conversation about it.   People are naturally curious and I recall many people asking me if I was comfortable talking about it and I most of the time always was.  They wanted to know why I was given up and who my bio parents were and all sorts of stuff. People still ask me this. I never remember having a conversation with my adoptive parents about this... so I just said I did not know- that my bio mom was 22 and my bio dad was 26 and that my bio mom was tall.  ( I am only 5'4)

 

 I remember my first job I was asked these questions and had a lengthy conversation with my boss who had known my adoptive parents for years.

 

the thing is- the story I had to tell them- was my parents story.  How they waited- how they longed to have a baby and tried for 8 years then they adopted me and then a miracle happened and they got pregnant and had my brother!!!   this is the response I would give and what I had heard my parents saying.

 

Today I still have no problem discussing my adoption with people.

 

I am trying to formulate a response that makes sense and would be useful- I guess my main point is your child will be asked these questions to and will most likely parrot what they have heard you say.  Prepare them and discuss their feelings about it.  Let them choose what to share and what not to.  do not make them ashamed.  However- when you give an inch people take a mile.


mdcblog5.gifsaynovax.giffambedsingle2.gifhomebirth.jpg

 

 

Mom31 is offline  
#39 of 46 Old 06-18-2012, 10:54 AM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,528
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Keep trying, you're being useful already thumb.gif As I said, this is all very new to me and I'm trying to sort it out. 

Smithie is offline  
#40 of 46 Old 06-18-2012, 06:55 PM
 
pumpkingirl71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 1,320
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

I LOVE to do with when someone is offending me.  "Are they twins?" "No they are four months apart."  Then I just don't say anymore and watch the uncomfortableness.  But I only do that the jerks.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

  They can think I had two babies 6 months apart.

pumpkingirl71 is offline  
#41 of 46 Old 06-19-2012, 07:26 PM
 
luvinmam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

If it's a stranger asking, i simply say "sorry, do i know you?" that normally has them back peddle a bit.

If it's someone at school or someone you might recognize, i'll answer "wow, you wouldn't believe how many people ask me this everyday, i feel like a broken record having to explain, do you mind if i just don't answer today? that works a treat and normally they'll be a bit more understanding.

luvinmam is offline  
#42 of 46 Old 07-06-2012, 07:18 PM
 
HeidiYarrowMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: North Central Mass
Posts: 143
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My dd is mixed race and when she was a baby, everybody asked me about her origin, especially because she was HUGE.  Is her mother tall?  is her father tall?  And many other rude and not so rude questions.  The interesting thing is that now she is 8 and strangers never ask (partly because they aren't as interested in 8 year olds, partly because when they ask if my husband is tall, I just respond yes, knowing that is not what they are asking and not caring.) and friends rarely ask anything because they know her history by now.  As she is still super tall, we do get some people asking, but more people who know she's adopted just assume she comes from tall folk.  And yes, she does.

 

All this is to say that you are doing just what you need to be doing right now and that you probably won't have to do it forever. 

 

And my dd loves to bring presents she gets from her birth mother for show and tell at our homeschool group which invites conversation.  She doesn't mind questions and I think it's been great for the kids there.  One of her friends did ask me recently what her "real" mother looks like and I explained that I'm her real mother, but her birth mother is beautiful and asked if she'd like to see a picture next time she is over.  My dd came home to find her favorite picture to share next time her friend comes over.  So there ya go.  At a certain point, it becomes their story to share, or not.

 

Good luck.

HeidiYarrowMom is offline  
#43 of 46 Old 07-08-2012, 12:47 PM
 
Marcimama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,174
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by luvinmam View Post

If it's a stranger asking, i simply say "sorry, do i know you?" that normally has them back peddle a bit.

If it's someone at school or someone you might recognize, i'll answer "wow, you wouldn't believe how many people ask me this everyday, i feel like a broken record having to explain, do you mind if i just don't answer today? that works a treat and normally they'll be a bit more understanding.

I SOOO badly want to say that, but something always stops me.

My husband can get pretty short with people... but usually I am glad he does.

We usually get the "are they (our two black kids) real brother and sister." We ALWAYS say, "Oh they ALL are REAL brothers and sisters!"

But still annoying!

 

I had a lady recently say... no joking... "Kangaroos weren't made to be in iceland, and some people weren't made to live other places either..." I wanted to say, "You mean, like stupid people..." But didn't. Mama bear...roar!

 

Seriously!


Marci

knit.gif

Married to my best friend, homeschooling, gardening,

running a camp for at-risk kiddos and walking a narrow path.

 

Mom to an amazingly fun crew of 5!

hearts.gifafro.jpg  wave.gif   thumbsuck.gif     boc.gif 

Marcimama is offline  
#44 of 46 Old 07-11-2012, 03:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
marsupial-mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 779
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

In the last couple weeks...

 

A stranger at a restaurant came up and bascially accosted me and my son. I tried to just subtly brush him off ("Yes, he's adopted. That's great for your friend. Bye!") and walk past but he wouldn't let me by. He wanted to tell me how much he admired adoptive parents because we "saved a life." Ugh. That's not even true. And if it were, please don't talk about it in front of my son. He doesn't need to hear about it. He's too little to have to hear about with whatever crisis the stranger thinks happened.

 

Another woman (acquaintance that I could not just ignore) asked me the same old "Where is he from?" and then followed up with a "He doesn't look African. I've been to a Uganda orphanage and he doesn't look like that." OMG! That's like saying "I went to Mexico and so now I think everyone who was born on the continent of North America looks the same as some of the Mexican people I saw." I just had to change the subject. She drove me crazy.

 

I really just wish people could keep their offensive ignorant comments to themselves.

marsupial-mom is offline  
#45 of 46 Old 07-11-2012, 04:39 PM
 
excitedtobeamom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I had a younger Hispanic check out boy go on and on about my son's (who is half black, quarter Hispanic, quarter Italian) awesome "ghetto hair" and the fact that they (the check out boy and my son) are the "first peoples here"?!  I am still trying to figure out exactly what he meant and I just didn't say anything.  I was glad that older kids weren't there as they would have had a million questions.  I think the guy was just trying to be friendly but still?


Homeschooling Momma to DD 8 years old, DS 7 years old, DS born 03/11 by adoptionheart-1.gif , waiting for DD born 07/10 and two furry labs. Wife to my wonderful husband of 12 years.
excitedtobeamom is offline  
#46 of 46 Old 07-12-2012, 07:55 AM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,528
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
I got my first "are they twins" comment yesterday. I said "one is adopted" which is not true yet, but I'll be darned if I have the foster-kid conversation with a stranger. I did not use to care about that as long as all kids were out of earshot, but I really, really care a lot this time. That's his story to tell and he does not tell it.
Smithie is offline  
Reply

Tags
Adoption

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off