Need new strategies on how to shut down the adoption conversation with other adults - Mothering Forums
1 2 
Adoptive and Foster Parenting > Need new strategies on how to shut down the adoption conversation with other adults
marsupial-mom's Avatar marsupial-mom 09:26 AM 02-22-2012

This isn't about whether other people have a "right" to know or about whether or not they're being rude in asking questions about my son's adoption or his birth parents. This isn't about me not wanting to educate others and help get kids adopted. This is simply about me not wanting to have this conversation every single day (sometimes multiple times per day) for the rest of my son's childhood. It's completely selfish* and I don't care what anyone thinks about that, but I need to shut these conversations down.

 

So far, my strategies are:

 

- change the topic

- take long pauses and look away to indicate that I'm not comfortable talking about this right now

- ask, "maybe we can talk about this some other time, in private?"

- answer quickly then change the topic

 

Any other ideas? I'm finding that these aren't working very well.

 

*OK, it's not completely selfish. I also think that my son doesn't need to hear these questions all the time either. He's going to know he's adopted, that we love him, that his birthmother and other family members love him, that he can learn more about the details later. He doesn't need to get the impression that adoption is weird or stigmatized from all these ignorant people who ask questions all the time.

 



RedOakMomma's Avatar RedOakMomma 02:38 PM 02-22-2012

My method is this:

 

Pause after an insensitive question/statement is made by the other person.

 

Ask "Why do you want to know?"...kindly, but directly.

 

If they come up with a reason (and most people either don't, or they stumble through trying to find a reason), pause again and say "well...that's personal."

 

If they STILL push, say something like "There's nothing to hide, but I'd rather keep my son's personal information private.  I'm sure you understand."  Smile.  Conversation over.


heatherdeg's Avatar heatherdeg 10:18 PM 02-22-2012


Quote:
Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post

My method is this:

 

Pause after an insensitive question/statement is made by the other person.

 

Ask "Why do you want to know?"...kindly, but directly.

 

If they come up with a reason (and most people either don't, or they stumble through trying to find a reason), pause again and say "well...that's personal."

 

If they STILL push, say something like "There's nothing to hide, but I'd rather keep my son's personal information private.  I'm sure you understand."  Smile.  Conversation over.


yeahthat.gif  Although I've had people respond with "Oh--I'm just curious..." as if it's like asking about the quality of your school district.  I "get" that they don't mean to be or realize how insanely insensitive they're being, but really... it just gets old.

 

I did, once, have the audicity to respond to "Oh--I'm just curious" with some very rude and insensitive questions during a particularly bitter period (when I also really put people on the spot for digging in less overt ways, too).  I responded to a woman that did this to me with questions like "How old were you when you lost your virginity?" and "Have you ever had a miscarriage?" (although the first one hit home better because not all women have had m/cs).  They kind of got the point that it wasn't really the time nor place (nor person) to be discussing that kind of a topic.

 

Now, I'm not quite as b1tchy about it, but maybe because I'm also not asked quite as often.  I do still respond to it with a crumpled brow and pause before asking why they're asking so that my shock is clear.

 

Oh--and to be fair, the people who want to understand the adoption process are not usually the ones asking the stupid, insensitive questions IME.  And they usually start out with "Hmmm... we've been looking into how to adopt" and then go on to share their experience before interrogating me about it (and really, I have no problem with those people interrogating me as long as my daughter is not sitting there listening--which hasn't happened yet with someone genuinely interested in adoption)

 


Smithie's Avatar Smithie 03:53 PM 02-23-2012

 

Is your son still a baby? I'm going by your avatar picture. 

 

If he's still a baby, then you are obviously around a lot of people who observed you being all unpregnant and then the next day, BOOM, baby, and/or they heard you and your extended family talking about the adoption journey and all its exciting potential, and now they're not realizing that they should switch gears because the potential has become the actual and it's your child they're hashing over, not just your hopes and dreams and plans and concerns.

 

If that's your situation, then I think you're going to find your balance with time. You'll join a mom's group, and while you'll eventually tell them all about the adoption (mom's groups = free group therapy), you probably won't say much about it first thing, so they'll get to know you in terms of what your life is like, not what your son's birthmother's life was possibly like. Then he'll go to preschool, and then school, and the topic may NEVER come up at either of those places - I'm in and out of my kids' schools all the time, the other parents see me with foster kids in tow and know (because I tell everybody and so do my kids) that we hope to adopt, and I still have no idea if any of the other children in my kids' classes are adopted. It just doesn't come up, at least not where kids might hear themselves being discussed - which is basically everywhere. For sure, the teachers don't talk about other people's kids and their personal histories.

 

If it's a transracial adoption, obviously there is always going to be more casual notice-taking, but even so... I can think of three kids offhand at our elementary school who I have seen walking out with a different-race parent, and in all three cases I have just assumed that the other parent was of a different race. In each case it's been a Black child with a white mom. If your avatar is a picture of your son's hand in yours, then I guess my best advice is to find a diverse school to send him to, where even if he is the only adopted kid, he won't be the only Black kid with a white mom, and the other parents won't be fascinated by him for the wrong reasons. (I'm sure he's fascinating, but it's not because he's Black orngtongue.gif). 


marsupial-mom's Avatar marsupial-mom 10:36 AM 02-24-2012

We're a transracial family. He's a toddler. He goes to preschool. The issue doesn't come up at school, probably because all the teachers already know our situation. I'm very open about all of it, but lately I've just gotten more tired of discussing it. Partly it's because my son is old enough to truly understand what I'm saying and it's partly just I'm sick of having to talk about it when I'm not expecting to do so.

 

It comes up at local kids events, the grocery store, etc. Transracial families are not rare where I live, but most of the families are biological. People ask for all kinds of reasons. Some good and some bad. Sometimes they respond to my answers by saying, "Her dad is African American, too, so I was just curious how your family was made" or "We've been thinking about adoption." But sometimes they go into their own personal opinions on the ethics of adoption.

 

- "Why do you want to know?"

I had forgotten about that. It's great! It helps shift the conversation and makes me feel more in control of the direction the discussion will take. Thank you!

 

- "There's nothing to hide, but I'd rather keep my son's personal information private. I'm sure you understand."

That's a good one too!

 

Thanks


Smithie's Avatar Smithie 01:57 PM 02-24-2012

But sometimes they go into their own personal opinions on the ethics of adoption.

 

 

 

 

 

With your toddler-aged kid standing right there? That just amazes me. (And if you ever read my posts, you know I'm not shy about discussing my perspectives on the ethics of adoption.) I thought he must still be a babe-in-arms. Geez.


christophersmom's Avatar christophersmom 01:31 PM 02-27-2012

Being in a multi-racial family with an 8 year old and then 1 and 2 year olds. I get a lot of questions. I like the responses and pauses and such. I am going to ask some of the nosier sounding ones why do you ask.

Now if someone seems generally interested and not just nosy I am usually really nice.

DS now knows he is my biological child and has told people that and I realized I really need to curtail some of the questions.

My least favorite is "Are they real sisters?" They are 15 months apart and inseparable, does it really matter if they don't have a bio connection. I can imagine someone trying to tell my feisty 2 year old in a few years her sister is not her real sister and I am sure the person would get a real reaction. One of my friends fired back and asked a woman if her kids both had the same dad and the lady just stuttered and walked away. I don't ever come up with good comebacks on the spot though.


queenjane's Avatar queenjane 04:13 PM 02-27-2012

I'm really bad about NOT talking about adoption with complete strangers. When my first adopted son was a baby, i was like a walking advertisement for foster care adoption. Usually people didnt ask if he was adopted (maybe because his skin is lighter they thought he could be a bio?) but it would come up and i loved talking about my experience. It went so smoothly and my son was so wonderful and "perfect" i just wanted to sing the praises of adoption. By the time my daughter moved in, she was extremely uncomfortable BEING adopted let alone talking about it in public. (Now she doesnt really care.) She was 8 when she moved in.

 

I guess it comes up for me more often than usual because my boys are the same age but not twins, and they are pretty clearly not related biologically. So usually it goes like this "How old are they?" Four. "Oh? both of them?" yes. "Are they twins?" At that point, i could say yes they are twins. But thats never felt right to me, to refer to them as twins when they are not. so i might say "They are two weeks apart in age." Then the questions follow...people get confused....sometimes i just let them hang there wondering what our story is. Usually i say "they're adopted." Sometimes they ask more questions, sometimes not. The issue i struggle with is i LIKE to talk about adoption, and its hard to stop myself from putting info out there that i probably shouldnt put out there.

 

I was surprised once when my daughter's special ed teacher asked which one of the boys was dd's "real brother", and i looked at her and said "um both of them?...but ds2 is her bio brother." She is an adoptive mom, and i knew she didnt have ill intent, and i knew what she meant to ask. But i thought as an adoptive mom herself she wouldnt use the word "real."

 

I think the worst comment i've ever received was when the walmart cashier asked if ds2 was a crack baby. "because my friend fosters and she gets crack babies all the time..." At least he was still an infant and didnt understand!


othermother109's Avatar othermother109 05:50 PM 02-27-2012

I am white and my son's birth parents were from Mexico. The question I get most often is, "Are you his real mom?" What I do is give them a puzzled look, poke at my arm as if to see if it's solid, and then look at them again. "Yes, I'm real," I say. That pretty much shuts them up. I think that would translate well to when someone asks if your son or daughter is your real child, or the real sibling of your birth child. Just touch them, and give the person a look like you think they're nuts, and say, "Yes, they're real."


heatherdeg's Avatar heatherdeg 06:12 PM 03-19-2012


Quote:
Originally Posted by othermother109 View Post

I am white and my son's birth parents were from Mexico. The question I get most often is, "Are you his real mom?" What I do is give them a puzzled look, poke at my arm as if to see if it's solid, and then look at them again. "Yes, I'm real," I say. That pretty much shuts them up. I think that would translate well to when someone asks if your son or daughter is your real child, or the real sibling of your birth child. Just touch them, and give the person a look like you think they're nuts, and say, "Yes, they're real."


 

Same here---we're white and dd is screamingly obviously Latina.  I get "Where did you get her?"  eyesroll.gif


queenjane's Avatar queenjane 07:52 PM 03-19-2012


Quote:
Originally Posted by heatherdeg View Post


 

Same here---we're white and dd is screamingly obviously Latina.  I get "Where did you get her?"  eyesroll.gif



And somehow your city isnt as exotic as, say, Guatamala or whatever they are expecting. After i "got" keegan, someone asked me where he came from, and of course was surprised it was "Detroit" instead of, say, Ethiopia. :P


nicolelynn 04:56 PM 03-24-2012

Queenjane, I too like to talk about foster-adoption. But I know I have to start being sensitive to my kids now that they are old enough to understand some. 

So far we haven't got any negative dialogue, I am sure I will blow up if it happens.

I do get, "where are they from?" a lot...they are expecting the answer to be somewhere in Africa. "They are from Riverside county (our county)". I am still amazed at how many people understand private domestic infant adoption and international adoption but have no clue about foster-adoption. 


heatherdeg's Avatar heatherdeg 11:37 PM 03-24-2012


Quote:
Originally Posted by queenjane View Post



And somehow your city isnt as exotic as, say, Guatamala or whatever they are expecting. After i "got" keegan, someone asked me where he came from, and of course was surprised it was "Detroit" instead of, say, Ethiopia. :P


Right... and when I say "Newark" people are like "But where were here parents from?" (ummm... I'm going to overlook the obvious here irked.gif ).  Instead of pointing out that *I* am her parent, I say "I don't know--given that she was born in Newark, I'm going to guess they were either from Newark or somewhere nearby.  Generally, people don't travel TOO far to give birth, ya know?" and then I move on with something else and ideally, with someone else.

 

I know what they mean.  I know they're not being intentionally insensitive.  But that doesn't make it less annoying.  Maybe it should, but it doesn't.  I'm not a saint.

 


SpottedFoxx's Avatar SpottedFoxx 02:39 PM 03-26-2012

 

I got this from a neighbor once... I said "Babys-R-Us". 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by heatherdeg View Post


 

Same here---we're white and dd is screamingly obviously Latina.  I get "Where did you get her?"  eyesroll.gif



If you don't want to answer questions just shut them down.  "I'm sorry, that's not my story to tell - I don't answer questions about other people's lives" and leave it at that.  I also use "why do you want to know" because I've had people tell me "oh, I'm in the process of adopting" (or it's a family member or close friend) and even then, depending on the question, I may or may not answer.

 

I did have a friend once asked if her child's (from Guatemala) birth mother was a prostitute. Her response was priceless... "No why, was yours?"


WifeMomChiro's Avatar WifeMomChiro 08:49 AM 03-30-2012

I also like to talk about adoption.  Of course, my son is still a baby, so as he gets older, we may not want to discuss it as much.

 

We did have to take him to the hospital a couple weeks ago and we had already explained that he was adopted to two paramedics, a firefighter, three nurses, and a doctor.  The final person before we could leave the hospital was a paperwork lady.  She asked us a bunch of questions about where we work and addresses and such.  Then she looked at J and said, "Does he have some hispanic in him."  I said, "No.  He is half Black, half White."  She then looks and DH and I (both White) and asks, "And you two are the parents?"  I just said, "Yep."  I was waiting for DH to explain more, but it had been a long night.  He just said, "Yep."  We laughed later about what kind of story she was thinking up in her head.

 

When people have asked questions that I feel are too personal (about J's birthparents in particular), I just answer with, "We prefer to keep that private for J."


marsupial-mom's Avatar marsupial-mom 09:45 PM 03-30-2012

Just this week alone...

 

At the dentist: "where did you adopt him from?"

At a toddler activity: "when did you adopt him?"

At his preschool: "how long have you had him?"

 

I almost want to say, "You know, even though our adoption is more conspicuous than some adoptions, that doesn't mean we want to talk about it 24/7. It's really not at all like wearing a tshirt that says 'Ask me about adoption'!" But I just answered all the questions honestly.


LessTraveledBy's Avatar LessTraveledBy 01:03 PM 03-31-2012


Quote:
Originally Posted by queenjane View Post

 

I guess it comes up for me more often than usual because my boys are the same age but not twins, and they are pretty clearly not related biologically. So usually it goes like this "How old are they?" Four. "Oh? both of them?" yes. "Are they twins?" At that point, i could say yes they are twins. But thats never felt right to me, to refer to them as twins when they are not. so i might say "They are two weeks apart in age." Then the questions follow...


Ha! I am obviously pregnant (7th month) and fostering a one month old baby. I get lots of looks and even really rude stares and eye rolling, especially from older ladies. They seem to think that I am pregnant right after having had a baby and seem to not be capable of doing the math and realizing something just does not add up. You know, how dare I have two babies 3 months apart? ;) I could understand if they looked at me with pity, like  "poor woman, has had a baby some time ago and still looks about to pop," but no...All I can say is that people can be very rude, mean and strange.... and that I actually find it a bit funny. I have also got looks for bottle feeding, which has some humor in it, as I nursed our bio daughter for many years.


Mom31's Avatar Mom31 04:57 PM 04-07-2012

I hate that "real" question.....

 how insulting to all involved.

Thats exactly what I do now- pinch myself.  Am I real enough for you?   When I talk about my parents people always ask your real mom or which one?  I am like well they are both my real parents- and it can vary which one people consider my real parents.  they are both pretty real people lol as am I.

 

Which one is the real child????? I used to get asked all the time when i lived in my home town.  Since my brother was not adopted and it was well known around that he was a miracle baby after a long time of trying finally adopting then 3 months later getting pregnant.  People would get confused tho which one was the adopted one and which one was the biological one.  So they would ask.... 

 

Other times people would always say to my mom and I - you look so much alike- and we do look similar.... but not really  But we would mostly just smile and say thank you- or say well that's funny cause we are not blood related depending on the situation.  And it would be people who KNEW and had KNOWN my whole life. I sort of look more like my adoptive family then their son does even and he is blood related.  Now that he is getting older he looks alot like my dad tho and of course now that we know my bio family- it is apparent I look like them

 

That's why I think these dialogues are so important- not only are they asking you this now- they are going to be asking him/her this later on.  Its NOT a fun question to answer and good to be prepared so you can prepare your child.

 

 

 

Good for you mamas!!!


Smithie's Avatar Smithie 05:49 AM 04-09-2012

The other day before the community seder (in front of all the kids):

 

"Where's the other one?"

 

(counts heads) They're all here.

 

"I thought you had four kids."

 

"No, three."

 

"I've seen you with four."

 

"I've had foster kids, but right now, I just have three."

 

(pause)

 

"Oh, I thought they were all yours."

 

My thoughts at the time:

 

1. Gee, thanks for  bringing up a potentially painful subject at a crowded public event. 

2. Did you think I trying to keep my interracial adoption a secret, or did you think I had an affair after the birth of my first white-blond child and before the births of the subsequent white blondies? 

3. I hope my kids aren't listening to you right now. 

5. Wow, I bet this is much worse when the fostered/adopted child is within earshot. 

 

 

 


ananas's Avatar ananas 11:12 AM 04-09-2012

I'm just lurking and reading some of the responses...and I can't believe the things people will say! I own a grooming shop and I often have to ask people (about their DOG), "How long have you had him?" or "Where did you get her?". I can't imagine asking a human parent the same questions about their human child! People can be so rude and ignorant. I like some of the tactics mentioned here.


queenjane's Avatar queenjane 12:49 PM 04-09-2012

Just a couple of hours ago, the mom across the street (who is SUPER nice and would NEVER intentionally be rude or hurtful) asked "now, D and L, they are brother and sister right?" (meaning, two of my children are bio related, the third is not from the same bio family)...yes, that is true but how long do i have to have these kids before people stop mentioning that?!? what a bummer for K, for people to point out "oh you arent their REAL brother"...even a teacher at school who is herself an adoptive mom asked that. What is ironic is that my boys are way more 'bonded' and have lived together longer than D and "his" sister who joined our family later. I just said "yes, they are" because i didnt want to make a big deal about it but i think people just do not think. Luckily there were no children in earshot.


Mom31's Avatar Mom31 03:26 PM 04-09-2012

:( I really hate that.   SO SO SO MUCH!  It breaks my heart to think of the kids hearing stuff like that.


jes h's Avatar jes h 05:23 PM 04-11-2012


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

The other day before the community seder (in front of all the kids):

 

"Where's the other one?"

 

(counts heads) They're all here.

 

"I thought you had four kids."

 

"No, three."

 

"I've seen you with four."

 

"I've had foster kids, but right now, I just have three."

 

(pause)

 

"Oh, I thought they were all yours."

 

My thoughts at the time:

 

1. Gee, thanks for  bringing up a potentially painful subject at a crowded public event. 

2. Did you think I trying to keep my interracial adoption a secret, or did you think I had an affair after the birth of my first white-blond child and before the births of the subsequent white blondies? 

3. I hope my kids aren't listening to you right now. 

5. Wow, I bet this is much worse when the fostered/adopted child is within earshot. 

 

 

 

 

AMEN!!!

 

I totally don't mind REAL conversations about fostering/adopting, from people I can tell are genuinely interested;  then I wax evangelical like QueenJane; esp. if I think they might one day warm up to doing it.  Isn't every community desperate for families.    However, I agree that most of the time the questions are rather selfish, and the conversation revolves back to that person (Oh, I could never do that!")

 

One time while taking a hoard of 13 year old girls (I think 4 or 5) out as a youth minister, a clerk asked if they were 'all mine.'  Now, I was only 25 at the time (and I look REALLY young.  I could pass for a high school student myself at the time).  They were clearly at least 12.  There were 4-5 all around the same age, one was Latina, one African American and a couple white girls.   I think I gave a baffled response, but afterward in my head I was thinking 'DEAR LORD, YOU MUST THINK I REALLY GET AROUND!'

It baffles me that people don't get that these sort of questions are very personal and not appropriate for small-talk.  After years of infertility treatment, I answer the question "are you going to have another' with a straight up snarky response.

Oh, never answered the question.  Doesn't really work with adoption, but when people ask about our kids - we get a lot of questions now because FS and Bio-S are only a few weeks apart in age, I often just say 'we have some friends living with us' and leave it to them to figure out what that means.  We refer to kids placed with us as 'friends' with my son and any kids who come in, so that is the answer I want the kids to hear. 


sagewinna's Avatar sagewinna 04:33 PM 04-12-2012

I got sucked into conversations early on whenever I was out with my youngest. (We are the adoptive placement through foster care) She has an unusual haircolor and every.one.in.the.world. has to comment on it. Then the grilling starts: Where did she get that hair? Does your dh have that color hair? Who in your family has that color? etc etc. At first, I would be startled and blurt out that her mom has that color and one of her sisters, too. That would lead to more questions. The impulse to answer every question is strong for me! lol

 

I try to be vague now, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Like others have said, I want to be open about adoption, but not constantly and not right in front of my 2 year old, thanks.


tiffani's Avatar tiffani 04:49 PM 04-14-2012

We just moved back to my hometown, and were at our local homeschool park day recently... one of the other moms is studying to be a marriage and family therapist, has a mixed family of bio and foster and kinship care, etc.... we were both really enjoying our coversation with someone who GETS how complicated all of this is, rather than the standard replies of "oh, how WONDERFUL of you to adopt these poor children!" or "weren't you worried about ruining your real family?" (she has had this, after bringing troubled teens into her family) and we were both just yammering away -- she asked me if our two youngest (adopted from Uganda) are genetically related, which is a much better question than "are they brother and sister?" which drives us all crazy, of course... ANYWAY, it suddenly occurred to me that both of my kids now have the language skills to understand what we're talking about, and I need to be more decisive about what I share with people we are becoming acquainted with -- strangers are easier to deal with, it's ok to be rude, or vague, but having just moved, I feel compelled to be honest with these new friends... I also find it important to share the misconceptions that abound about international adoption, and I can't really leave it at "oh that's AMAZING!"  I want my kids to know there is nothing taboo about being adopted (and for now, they are both proud of their Ugandan heritage) but I don't want them to feel constantly "othered" all the time either... 

I had my strangest experience yet at the library the other day -- my eldest was working on a book report for school, so I was helping her with that, while also trying to help my 10 year old find 'Tarzan' and periodically helping my 5 year old with the kids computer game he was playing.  Rosie (almost 3) was playing on the rug with a cute baby.  I saw the baby's mama trying to figure it all out, and when my 10 year old son went over to watch rosie while I signed us up for library cards, I saw this mama asking him if he was her brother, did we adopt her, etc.... I didn't want to talk about it (being a little busy -- my dad kept calling me too, he's very excited that we moved "home" and I hear from him almost daily ;-)) so I was trying to ignore this lady, while keeping half an ear open at the same time... I went to the front desk and came back a minute later to her kneeled down with rosie (10 year old brother gone now) whispering something to her.  huh? I planted myself in front of them and gave her a weird smile and she said "I was just telling her that I'd love to hear her story, but that she doesn't yet have the words to tell me, and that's ok" -- ok crazy, whatever!  Rosie looked uncomfortable but fine (shy smile) and I kindly answered a few questions about adoption -- what makes it hard for me to know where to draw the line is that I think most women "have always wanted to adopt" so they feel justified in being nosy.  This woman's parents were missionaries and they lived in New Guinea for many years, etc, so I felt like she was just genuinely interested so I chatted with her a bit about it, but I didn't like how she was talking secretly to my daughter, and I can't really imagine another circumstance where she might think that's ok???  or she's just odd, lol... Come to think of it, she mentioned that her oldest child "has Indian blood" (so she understands how annoying it can be to be questioned all the time ;-)) so I could easily have lobbied some pretty rude questions about her early sexual experiences, but who DOES that?  why is adoption such an open door for the 3rd degree?   I don't usually mind if people ask me things, even really ignorant questions, but this was just really weird and really insensitive and kind of creepy and made me feel like she saw Rosie as an exotic pet or something.   I have a hard time calling people out on inappropriate behavior when it's just sort of invasive but not negative or obviously rude.... 

 

 


marsupial-mom's Avatar marsupial-mom 10:02 PM 04-14-2012

Quote:
Originally Posted by tiffani View Post

 I went to the front desk and came back a minute later to her kneeled down with rosie (10 year old brother gone now) whispering something to her.  huh? I planted myself in front of them and gave her a weird smile and she said "I was just telling her that I'd love to hear her story, but that she doesn't yet have the words to tell me, and that's ok" -- ok crazy, whatever!

 



Weird and creepy!

 

The people who claim "I've always wanted to adopt" get under my skin. I think it's because I know 99% of them are just saying it, basically lying, and are never going to pursue it at all. They just like the idea of it, or they like feeling good about themselves for thinking they're the kind of person who would adopt - even though they wouldn't really. I want to respond, "Don't tell me, tell your husband. He needs to know this if it's true." A lot of times though I'll actually just tell people the honest truth: it's a difficult painful journey that I wouldn't recommend for most people.

 


Mom31's Avatar Mom31 11:42 PM 04-14-2012

Honestly  I would not want to do it.


pumpkingirl71's Avatar pumpkingirl71 06:30 AM 04-15-2012

I completely agree, but I worry a lot about shutting out that 1%.  Just becasue I was that 1% once...

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by marsupial-mom View Post

The people who claim "I've always wanted to adopt" get under my skin. I think it's because I know 99% of them are just saying it, basically lying, and are never going to pursue it at all. They just like the idea of it, or they like feeling good about themselves for thinking they're the kind of person who would adopt - even though they wouldn't really. I want to respond, "Don't tell me, tell your husband. He needs to know this if it's true." A lot of times though I'll actually just tell people the honest truth: it's a difficult painful journey that I wouldn't recommend for most people.

 



 


deborahbgkelly's Avatar deborahbgkelly 09:01 PM 05-25-2012

My editor has 2 adoptive kids and 2 bio kids and says that when people ask her the "which ones are your bio kids and which ones are adopted?" question she says, "I forget and you should too,"


Anne447's Avatar Anne447 07:44 PM 05-26-2012

I have four children, three bio (all adults now) and a little girl, adopted from China, now 9. When I brought her home I expected a lot of the talk you are all describing, but mostly I don't get it. Kind of surprised me. 

 

However, one thing happened that I actually kind of enjoyed, since dd was not there to hear it. My oldest is married, and her mother in law has a bunch of friends that she likes to invite to everything because she "considers them like family."  My son in law and his siblings don't care much for these friends.  The mother in law was talking to my oldest and she said something like, "You should understand how I feel about these friends. They are just like family to me, in the same way that your little sister is almost like a real sister to you."

 

OH MY.

 

My daughter called me, practically foaming at the mouth. Apparently she told her mother in law that her little sister was not LIKE a sister, she actually WAS a real sister, in every way, and not just an honorary imaginary pretend sister.  My daughter is an attorney and you don't want to be on the receiving end when she gets her back up.. I wish I had been there to hear it.


Tags: Adoption
1 2 

Up