Open adoption is killing me. :( - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 02-29-2012, 04:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know I'm a rarity, but open adoption is just sucking the life out of me. My son is 16, we got him at 14. He was with birthmom for all of those years, except for one when he lived with his biological father. The child chose to live with us, but obviously still wants contact since he was with them for so long. Every two weeks I receive a call where she is reaming me out for stealing her child, buying him off, etc. We have blocked her from being able to call him and only let him talk to her if she's stable, which is rare. And even when we do let her talk to him, she ends up yelling at him for everything. I feel like I can't cut off contact because he has younger siblings there, but the verbal abuse that I encounter is ridiculous. I have recently started not answering the phone if my husband isn't with me, and if he is, I have him take the call. It's so hard. :(

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#2 of 10 Old 02-29-2012, 04:07 PM
 
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I'm a proponent of open adoption but only when it's safe and healthy for the child. I wouldn't put up with all of that. Are the siblings safe?

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#3 of 10 Old 02-29-2012, 04:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No. :( And we are doing all we can to try to get them safe, to no avail. 

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#4 of 10 Old 03-01-2012, 11:50 AM
 
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I am so sorry hug2.gif

 

One thing about open adoption is the is can be fluid.  Openness can be good at one point, then not so much.  How does your son feel about contact? 

 

I hope things get better.

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#5 of 10 Old 03-02-2012, 08:03 AM
 
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I'm sorry.  That sounds awful. 


Wife to my DH for 10 wonderful years.joy.gif

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#6 of 10 Old 03-03-2012, 09:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My son goes in spurts with wanting contact. At times he misses her and wants to talk to her, other times he just doesn't care. He really only cares mostly about his younger siblings.

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#7 of 10 Old 03-05-2012, 07:44 PM
 
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grouphug.gif  That sounds very hard.

 

What's your open adoption agreement like?  I always pull it out whenever one of our kids' birthparents starts pushing the boundaries in uncomfortable ways, and remind myself of all the ways in which we're going beyond it because, like you, we do believe that openness is important.  We want them to be in our kids' lives.  And yet... sometimes it's SO hard and not actually healthy for the kids, in which case we go back to the basics.  It sounds like that's where you're at for right now. 

 

The only thing I can say is to make sure you're documenting.  Even if it never ends up being needed, I sometimes feel better just having a (somewhat) neutral record of all the missed calls, all the times we suspected the birthdad being drunk, and yes, also the calls that went surprisingly well and the times my dd9 actually wanted to talk with him. 

 

In a situation like this, not answering your phone is perfectly acceptable, I think! 


Married to DH since 2006.  Adoptive mom to DD1 (June 2002), DS (Jan 2006), and bio mom to DD2 (May 2009).

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#8 of 10 Old 03-06-2012, 03:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We don't have an agreement. Before she consented to guardianship we had to let him go over whenever, we didn't have a call. Then after guardianship she got mad at him and said that we bought him off, so she refused to talk to him. Then she told us she would release her rights. We had a few months where she was stable, but we wouldn't let him go over there alone. Then she got mad that we wouldn't let him stay an entire weekend with her (her BF uses meth as well and has admitted to it) and has stopped letting the younger children come over here to our house. Now he really can't go over there, she's very aggressive, but she often calls and cusses him out and says horrible horrible nasty things to him and I (mainly that him and I are engaging in inappropriate sexual activity since we are only 11 years apart) when she has no basis for it. We have blocked her from being able to call him because of that, and right now she is blocked from my phone as well. 

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#9 of 10 Old 03-06-2012, 05:46 PM
 
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That is horrible. I cant imagine going through that!

 

I think you are doing the right thing by blocking the calls. Is your son ok with that? Even if he wasnt it would still be a good idea, because you are protecting him from verbal abuse, and i wouldnt let him consent to being abused. ugh! are social services involved regarding the other children???


Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
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#10 of 10 Old 03-06-2012, 05:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He understands and can still call her from my phone if he desires. And if she calls and is calm, we have no problem letting her talk to him. He's not angry about it or upset.

 

I have called so many times, and we have hired a P.I. as well. Nothing has happened yet though. :( 

 

 

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