Thinking about Adoption - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 03-11-2012, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
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We are experiencing infertility and haven't thrown in the towel quite yet but I still want to learn about adoption and what our future may hold.  We have one wonderful DD who is 6 1/2.


I am really at a loss as to what type of adoption would be best for us.  Since (at least for us) everything has pros AND cons, I am having a hard time figuring out which is best for our family.  We'd like an infant or at least a baby under 12 months.  No know major medical or behavioral issues.  Obviously not everything is known and wouldn't even be for a bio kid, I understand that.  I just want the best match for the child and our family.


Anyway, feeling very overwhelmed.  Are there any good blogs or books or websites that help you decide what the best adoption method (through the state, private, international, etc) fits your family?  We're in Southern CA if that helps.



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8 year old DD
December 2012 Baby Girl
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#2 of 8 Old 03-13-2012, 05:04 AM
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#3 of 8 Old 03-13-2012, 07:26 AM
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I am certainly no expert on adoption, but if you want a child under 12 months, you can probably cross off international adoption. 


One thing I found helpful was to read a gazillion blogs by other adoptive parents, and follow them through the steps.  It certainly exposes you to a lot of the pros and cons of different forms of adoption.  But mostly, just follow your heart!

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#4 of 8 Old 03-13-2012, 10:08 AM
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I thought it was the other way around- you can cross off domestic if you want a child under 12 months unless you match with a bio parent while the baby is still in the womb. I am also not an expert, just what I've heard/read.

Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#5 of 8 Old 03-13-2012, 10:12 AM
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You can start your research with this book: and then after you're done reading it, if you choose to adopt then pass the book along to a friend or family member.


I found the Adoptive Families magazie to be helpful. It gives you an idea about the process and adoptive experiences piece by piece in a way that's easy to digest. (Just don't pay much attention to the ads in the magazine, OK?).

This chart can about cost and timing can be helpful in deciding what route to take:

And this article on foster-adopt is great: has a lot of good info, but some of the articles on the website are out of date. Just double check to see when it was printed.


There are lots of other books and websites but that's more for in-depth reading, not a general overview to get an idea of what might suit you.

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#6 of 8 Old 03-13-2012, 11:10 AM
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I started by asking anyone I knew or ran into that had adopted where they adopted through and then I researched their agencies.  I also asked if they would use them again.  I found our great agency that way.  Don't rule out domestic adoption but international would be just about impossible if you want under 1 year.  We adopted our son domestically after a 9 month wait to be matched.  We also have two biological children.  We meet him and his birthparents at 5 hours old and he came home at 24 hours old.  We are starting the process to adopt domestically again.  We really had to search hard because we wanted an ethical agency that had reasonable fees so we could ideally adopt twice.  We were not okay with domestic agencies that base fees on race.  Unfortunately it seems that a lot do.  Our agency has a sliding fee scale based on your adjusted gross income and race doesn't factor in at all.  They are very reasonable and about half of the normal fees for a domestic adoption.  Also don't forget there is an adoption tax credit to help as well.

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#7 of 8 Old 03-16-2012, 07:52 AM
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I have been reading quite a bit, and one thing that is important is to really grieve your infertility. Adoption does not cure infertility and you may find emotions bubbling up even after you adopt. I am looking to start the process this summer, and in the meantime I am doing a lot of soul searching, and saying goodbye to some things along the way, like being pregnant, getting a VBAC, and possibly breastfeeding if that doesnt work out for me. But not only did I want those things, but I also wanted my family to grow. I want to parent another child, I want to see my DD become a big sister, and adoption can help us there. 

Mama to L (7) and A (born 7/15 by VBAC)
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#8 of 8 Old 03-16-2012, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by deborahbgkelly View Post

I thought it was the other way around- you can cross off domestic if you want a child under 12 months unless you match with a bio parent while the baby is still in the womb. I am also not an expert, just what I've heard/read.

I think what she meant was that (from what i understand) in many if not most international programs, by the time you actually bring your referred child home they will probably be over a year old. Im no expert, and new countries are added or removed from the international option all the time, but if you really want an infant U.S. domestic infant adoption OR possibly US foster/adopt are probably better options. But again, i'm no expert and others might have better info about what countries have children under a year old available to adopt (and that means you'd have to be referred the child much younger than a year old because getting the paperwork in order and getting to the country takes time.)  And i know in some countries children must first be made available to citizens of the country before being offered for IA.




Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
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