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Help With Custody Of Stepson, No Negative comments, Or Attacks I'll Report and block

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adoption
11K views 126 replies 22 participants last post by  one who knows 
#1 ·
My husband and I are trying to get custody of his three and a half year old son, who is currently in foster care, his mother is facing felony charges of endangering the welfare of a child (three counts) and leaving an infant unattended in a motor vehicle (2 counts). We recently found out that his mother's parents are trying to also gain custody of my stepson, but the caseworker said that the goal is to place him with a parent, so I'm not sure what thier chances are looking like. Neither one of us have ever delt with the foster system before and are not really sure how it works, when a parent is trying to gain custody of the child who was placed. We have a bedroom set up for him, I put his bed in the same bedroom as my 6 month old son, have a place for his clothing, all that stuff, I put my girls (ages 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 ) in the same bedroom my oldest in her regular twin size bed, and my middle in her toddler bed. I'm not sure what else there is to do right now to present our case in a manner to show how much we both, not just his father, but both of us want him here.

As I said above, No negative comments, or attacks or i will block and report, that is not why i posted this and I will not put up with it
 
#27 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

There is the ability to do TPR for a step parent adoption, but it is very very premature at this point for Brascos. If there was no contact for more than a year, and the mother wasn't even trying to make contact - then it might be possible depending on the states laws. Right now, it shouldn't even be on your radar, as it is possible (depending on the state, it may even be likely) that the state will try to foster a healthy relationship between the child and his mother, through supervised visitation and the like. Brascos, since you do most of the childcare you're going to have to be willing to take the child to visitation with his mom. You will not be required to supervise, and probably shouldn't supervise it, but you do need to be able to do that - or your husband is going to have to step up and do more of the child care.
Oh yes i know its possible, i just meant that i have heard that states might be willing to NOT proceed with TPR of just one parent in order to preserve the other parent's ability to fight for child support. (Because frankly it wouldnt be fair for the state to just get the other parent off the hook and leave the custodial parent hanging with no support yknow?) But obviously if the custodial parent did not want the first parent involved and there was a spouse willing to adopt, there is a way in which to TPR but as you said i think its usually if the parent abandons the child, refuses to support etc. I was just trying to point out the OP should not count on the county proceeding with TPR (if that is even the plan) and her adopting, because once the child is placed with the father they MAY decide "case closed" and let HIM deal with the mother.

(Sorry, im probably either repeating myself or being as clear as mud. Hope you know what i mean!)
 
#28 ·
it is fine with him that i read his emails, becuase he does not have the time, and when i told him i called his ex, he was fine with that too. and no kidding i have to consider my daughters here too, we already have if we felt like there was any reason at all why my stepson shouldnt be around my kids we wouldnt be going through with trying to get custody of him. and as far as i'm over stepping here, to us it is not overstepping, we have no overstepping issues at all, if he wanted to call my ex and chat about my son that i have with him and what happened and what he wanted if my husband were to see an email from him id be fine with that, we are married we have no boundary issues with each other, he is free to check my email, go through my phone, whatever we are very open with each other and have no trouble proving that to each other. so before you tell me im over stepping my boundaries know the relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx View Post

yeahthat.gif
I know you mean well but you are over stepping here. While it's fine if you read your husband's emails (well, as long as he's okay with that), it is not okay for you to call the ex. She can make all kinds of claims to make your life miserable. I think it's wonderful that you want to step up and help this child but you need to take a few steps back first. As others have said, parenting a child who has experienced trauma is an incredibly difficult (but rewarding, I'd imagine) endeavor. Please please please do your homework. Google "trauma parenting". Find resources, line up a wonderful therapist for yourself, one for your husband, one for your son and one for the whole family. You have to consider your daughters here too. The social worker will hopefully have lots of services for all of you - take advantage of whatever they have to give. Anything that will make you and your husband better parents is always worth the time. My favorite trauma parenting blog is www.lastmom.blogspot.com. While her daughter is much older than your son, you can pick up some amazing parenting tips from her.
 
#29 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by queenjane View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

There is the ability to do TPR for a step parent adoption, but it is very very premature at this point for Brascos. If there was no contact for more than a year, and the mother wasn't even trying to make contact - then it might be possible depending on the states laws. Right now, it shouldn't even be on your radar, as it is possible (depending on the state, it may even be likely) that the state will try to foster a healthy relationship between the child and his mother, through supervised visitation and the like. Brascos, since you do most of the childcare you're going to have to be willing to take the child to visitation with his mom. You will not be required to supervise, and probably shouldn't supervise it, but you do need to be able to do that - or your husband is going to have to step up and do more of the child care.
Oh yes i know its possible, i just meant that i have heard that states might be willing to NOT proceed with TPR of just one parent in order to preserve the other parent's ability to fight for child support. (Because frankly it wouldnt be fair for the state to just get the other parent off the hook and leave the custodial parent hanging with no support yknow?) But obviously if the custodial parent did not want the first parent involved and there was a spouse willing to adopt, there is a way in which to TPR but as you said i think its usually if the parent abandons the child, refuses to support etc. I was just trying to point out the OP should not count on the county proceeding with TPR (if that is even the plan) and her adopting, because once the child is placed with the father they MAY decide "case closed" and let HIM deal with the mother.

(Sorry, im probably either repeating myself or being as clear as mud. Hope you know what i mean!)
I'm in complete agreement with you! I also think its likely that it will be seen as a "win" for the child - because the mother would still be able to fight for visitation (supervised most likely, knowing what the potential charges are) and the child would be able to maintain a relationship with his mother. Which has been shown to be in the best interest whenever possible (obviously, its not always possible, and not always in the best interest, but in this case we don't know that). In other words, the county doesn't have to fight for TPR, because the child won't be in "limbo" anymore (he'll be living with his dad, won't be in foster care, and will have a permanent situation - foster children don't have that until they are adopted or reunited with their parents).

And yeah, the support is a big issue that states really don't like cutting a child off from potential support - which is why voluntary TPR is ONLY available in a situation where a step-parent is available and willing to adopt. Because, in that scenario, if the adoptive step-parent, and the parent divorce there are still 2 parents responsible for support. When the supporting parent is a single parent, and their isn't anyone available to adopt, the states primary interest is with financial support of the child and making sure that the state doesn't have to pay for the child. Either way, you're completely right that it is very premature for Brascos to be thinking about this.
 
#30 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

it is fine with him that i read his emails, becuase he does not have the time, and when i told him i called his ex, he was fine with that too. and no kidding i have to consider my daughters here too, we already have if we felt like there was any reason at all why my stepson shouldnt be around my kids we wouldnt be going through with trying to get custody of him. and as far as i'm over stepping here, to us it is not overstepping, we have no overstepping issues at all, if he wanted to call my ex and chat about my son that i have with him and what happened and what he wanted if my husband were to see an email from him id be fine with that, we are married we have no boundary issues with each other, he is free to check my email, go through my phone, whatever we are very open with each other and have no trouble proving that to each other. so before you tell me im over stepping my boundaries know the relationship.
I think you misunderstood. I don't think any meant to imply that you were stepping on your husbands toes or overstepping boundries with him. I think everyone meant to imply that you might be overstepping your boundries with the courts and with the Mother. The mother can make this easy for your guys or hard for you guys and if she is upset by having to deal with you rather than her ex she can make things harder than they need to be. Many, many exes would be upset by having a request to to their child's parent answered by anyone other than that parent. She may be most expecially upset by being contacted by her ex's wife. Same holds true of the courts and the social workers. If you insert yourself into this situation in a way that offends or irritates those who have the control in this situation they can make this harder for your husband than it needs to be. They need to work things out with your husband (legally), they don't have to work with you. Trying to insist they do work with you may just piss them off.
 
#31 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

it is fine with him that i read his emails, becuase he does not have the time, and when i told him i called his ex, he was fine with that too. and no kidding i have to consider my daughters here too, we already have if we felt like there was any reason at all why my stepson shouldnt be around my kids we wouldnt be going through with trying to get custody of him. and as far as i'm over stepping here, to us it is not overstepping, we have no overstepping issues at all, if he wanted to call my ex and chat about my son that i have with him and what happened and what he wanted if my husband were to see an email from him id be fine with that, we are married we have no boundary issues with each other, he is free to check my email, go through my phone, whatever we are very open with each other and have no trouble proving that to each other. so before you tell me im over stepping my boundaries know the relationship.
SpottedFox isn't saying that you are overstepping with your DH - you're overstepping with the Ex. You don't have a relationship with the Ex, nor should you be trying to deal with the Ex - she had her children taken away from her, and is likely not too happy with whoever is about to get custody of those children (whether its with you, or anybody else).

You are playing a giant game of chess right now - anything could happen, and you don't want to do anything that could poison any future relationship with the ex. Go through an intermediary now (a lawyer, or social worker), and then later you can navigate forming a relationship. When I split with my ex, I didn't talk to him directly for months other than to say, "ds had a nap an hour ago, here's some frozen breastmilk, I just changed his diaper, have fun!" Literally, it took almost a year for us to say anything else to each other - we were involved in a nasty court battle, and you don't know how this is going to go. Tread carefully, do what you need to in terms of home visits/talking to the social worker/lawyer/etc, but let your DH or his attorney deal with the ex right now. You have lots of time to forge a relationship (or not) with her - right now might not be the best time since feelings are probably pretty raw right now.

ETA - Jolly is completely right about one thing - if my ex had a wife, and she contacted me to speak about our son, I would be furious, beyond belief furious. I talk to my ex about our son, but I don't discuss parenting issues with anyone else. My ex might be fine with a new girlfriend or wife contacting me in his place, but I wouldn't be, and I wouldn't speak to them about anything parenting related either (except, if my ds was on visitation to say, "Is ds there? I'd like to talk to him").
 
#32 ·
Exactly! I'm not saying you are overstepping boundaries with your husband.

Look based solely off of what you have posted here, the ex is a few fries short of a happy meal. If she wanted to, she could tell the social worker that you threatened to have her murdered if she didn't give up custody. It would be your word against hers and there would be a phone record between you two but what is said... well, that would be up to the courts to decide. Addicts are some of the best liars out there. She can twist things to suit her needs. I recommend staying out of this chess game for yours, your husband and the childrens' sake. Just my two cents.
 
#33 ·
ok i am not going to sit here and explain why i talked to her, and im not going to sit here and explain why i am/was so protective of my husband, SHE isn't the only one with hurt feelings in this. HIS are too. and the caseworker knows i talked to her last night, i called her and told her, i also gave her a rundown of our converstation. and im sorry but i'm not going to just tell my husband, "oh sorry she's just your problem not mine" NO she is my problem too i have to deal with her just as much as he does! and i dont care if you other moms would be pissed off if your ex's girlfriend or wife contacted you about your kid. thats not why i called her after she emailed him, because it wasn't about his son, it was about her wanting to start problems between my husband and I. and even if it was about his son, so what? she knows that if/when we get him i will be at home with him all the time. so she will not deal with my husband as much as she will with me. and everyone is different, just because it's not a big deal to us, doesn't mean it should be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

SpottedFox isn't saying that you are overstepping with your DH - you're overstepping with the Ex. You don't have a relationship with the Ex, nor should you be trying to deal with the Ex - she had her children taken away from her, and is likely not too happy with whoever is about to get custody of those children (whether its with you, or anybody else).

You are playing a giant game of chess right now - anything could happen, and you don't want to do anything that could poison any future relationship with the ex. Go through an intermediary now (a lawyer, or social worker), and then later you can navigate forming a relationship. When I split with my ex, I didn't talk to him directly for months other than to say, "ds had a nap an hour ago, here's some frozen breastmilk, I just changed his diaper, have fun!" Literally, it took almost a year for us to say anything else to each other - we were involved in a nasty court battle, and you don't know how this is going to go. Tread carefully, do what you need to in terms of home visits/talking to the social worker/lawyer/etc, but let your DH or his attorney deal with the ex right now. You have lots of time to forge a relationship (or not) with her - right now might not be the best time since feelings are probably pretty raw right now.

ETA - Jolly is completely right about one thing - if my ex had a wife, and she contacted me to speak about our son, I would be furious, beyond belief furious. I talk to my ex about our son, but I don't discuss parenting issues with anyone else. My ex might be fine with a new girlfriend or wife contacting me in his place, but I wouldn't be, and I wouldn't speak to them about anything parenting related either (except, if my ds was on visitation to say, "Is ds there? I'd like to talk to him").
 
#34 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

There is the ability to do TPR for a step parent adoption, but it is very very premature at this point for Brascos. If there was no contact for more than a year, and the mother wasn't even trying to make contact - then it might be possible depending on the states laws. Right now, it shouldn't even be on your radar, as it is possible (depending on the state, it may even be likely) that the state will try to foster a healthy relationship between the child and his mother, through supervised visitation and the like. Brascos, since you do most of the childcare you're going to have to be willing to take the child to visitation with his mom. You will not be required to supervise, and probably shouldn't supervise it, but you do need to be able to do that - or your husband is going to have to step up and do more of the child care.

I know that i will have to take him to visitations with his mother, I am highly capable of that, but what i think is ridiculous is the statement "or your husband is giong to have to step up and do more of the child care"

hmm yeah lets see how that would work, he works from 10 pm to 7 am, so by the time he gets home, kids are already awake, and had breakfast, and then he plays and normally around thier lunch time, he goes to bed, then he gets up at 8 pm, to eat his dinner, as me and the kids have already ate, gets dressed, and leaves for work around 9:35pm. He needs his sleep too, he busts his ass all night long at work, I'm sorry I'm not going to expect him to get home, change diapers, feed the kids, pick up toys, do the dishes..... He does a hell of a lot for myself and our kids I'm not asking him to do anymore.... And i don't see where that was even nessecary
 
#35 ·
Either way, you're completely right that it is very premature for Brascos to be thinking about this.

I already stated that it was early to be thinking about this, but that doesnt mean that i cant have a conversation with my husband about it, and let him know what i would like to do if things play out that way, if they don't they don't thats fine, and if they do they do, that's fine too.
 
#36 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

ok i am not going to sit here and explain why i talked to her, and im not going to sit here and explain why i am/was so protective of my husband, SHE isn't the only one with hurt feelings in this. HIS are too. and the caseworker knows i talked to her last night, i called her and told her, i also gave her a rundown of our converstation. and im sorry but i'm not going to just tell my husband, "oh sorry she's just your problem not mine" NO she is my problem too i have to deal with her just as much as he does! and i dont care if you other moms would be pissed off if your ex's girlfriend or wife contacted you about your kid. thats not why i called her after she emailed him, because it wasn't about his son, it was about her wanting to start problems between my husband and I. and even if it was about his son, so what? she knows that if/when we get him i will be at home with him all the time. so she will not deal with my husband as much as she will with me. and everyone is different, just because it's not a big deal to us, doesn't mean it should be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

SpottedFox isn't saying that you are overstepping with your DH - you're overstepping with the Ex. You don't have a relationship with the Ex, nor should you be trying to deal with the Ex - she had her children taken away from her, and is likely not too happy with whoever is about to get custody of those children (whether its with you, or anybody else).

You are playing a giant game of chess right now - anything could happen, and you don't want to do anything that could poison any future relationship with the ex. Go through an intermediary now (a lawyer, or social worker), and then later you can navigate forming a relationship. When I split with my ex, I didn't talk to him directly for months other than to say, "ds had a nap an hour ago, here's some frozen breastmilk, I just changed his diaper, have fun!" Literally, it took almost a year for us to say anything else to each other - we were involved in a nasty court battle, and you don't know how this is going to go. Tread carefully, do what you need to in terms of home visits/talking to the social worker/lawyer/etc, but let your DH or his attorney deal with the ex right now. You have lots of time to forge a relationship (or not) with her - right now might not be the best time since feelings are probably pretty raw right now.

ETA - Jolly is completely right about one thing - if my ex had a wife, and she contacted me to speak about our son, I would be furious, beyond belief furious. I talk to my ex about our son, but I don't discuss parenting issues with anyone else. My ex might be fine with a new girlfriend or wife contacting me in his place, but I wouldn't be, and I wouldn't speak to them about anything parenting related either (except, if my ds was on visitation to say, "Is ds there? I'd like to talk to him").
If she is trying to start problems, then NEITHER of you should be speaking with her directly. You should BOTH be going through the social worker. I've been through TWO custody battles over my ds, and had CPS called on me falsely during one of them. The less involvement you and your DH have with her directly, the fewer problems she can create for you. Some of us have BTDT and are trying to give you advice that will save you some pretty big trouble. If you don't want advice, don't post asking for it.
 
#38 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 View Post

Did someone say that? On this thread?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

but what i think is ridiculous is the statement "or your husband is giong to have to step up and do more of the child care"
Bravos took it out of context, but yes. She said that her DH works all night and sleeps all day, so doesn't do child care hardly at all. By her reasoning, parents who work full time don't have responsibilities to take care of their children.
 
#39 ·
I've been following this thread, but haven't replied since I'm not familiar with this type of adoption situation.

I would say though, Bracos, that the women here are extremely knowlegable and have been through these situations before. I know you are on edge and defensive based on the prior thread, but that seems to be coloring your responses and making you jump to fighting back. They really, truly are trying to assist you here and make this as easy as possible for you. Listen to what they have to say. Even the things you may not want to hear or don't like. There is a lot of wisdom in their experience and it should be heeded.
 
#40 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

ok i am not going to sit here and explain why i talked to her, and im not going to sit here and explain why i am/was so protective of my husband, SHE isn't the only one with hurt feelings in this. HIS are too. and the caseworker knows i talked to her last night, i called her and told her, i also gave her a rundown of our converstation. and im sorry but i'm not going to just tell my husband, "oh sorry she's just your problem not mine" NO she is my problem too i have to deal with her just as much as he does! and i dont care if you other moms would be pissed off if your ex's girlfriend or wife contacted you about your kid. thats not why i called her after she emailed him, because it wasn't about his son, it was about her wanting to start problems between my husband and I. and even if it was about his son, so what? she knows that if/when we get him i will be at home with him all the time. so she will not deal with my husband as much as she will with me. and everyone is different, just because it's not a big deal to us, doesn't mean it should be.
None of this is about you, your strong emotions will only get in the way.

This isn't about how you feel or how your husband feels. It's about playing your cards right so that you can do the right thing for the child.
 
#41 ·
I so don't get what is going on? Sorry OP, do you want advice? You seem to not like what anyone is telling you so why do you keep asking? They're telling you what you need to do and the best way to get through it all, but you're getting defensive. It really isn't a good idea to talk to the mother right now, it could actually hurt things. You don't have to believe me or get upset because I said it but it's pretty accurate. I would step back and let things unfold, while I get you're upset that you don't feel included it's not about you OP, and while you feel it should be since you'll be doing the care giving it's just not how it works. While I admit it doesn't' really make sense as you'll be part of his care however this situation is really different than just a normal fostering. You're not his biological family and to the courts you're not even an after thought right now. I think you need to realize that and let go a little. If you find this offensive flag away but I don't think I've said anything inflammatory.

I do wish your family luck and blessings.
 
#42 ·
Brascos - I get that you are still hurting over the other thread. Please - take a deep breath. No one here is attacking your or your husband. No one is even attacking the child's mother. You asked for advice and we are giving it to you. The thing about asking for advice from strangers is you are going to hear what you want to hear and what you don't want to hear. However, many people have been through this and are being gracious enough to answer your question and you are tearing their heads off.

If you can't accept the advice (whether you use it or not is entirely up to you), then don't ask for it. It's as simple as that.
 
#43 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess

I already stated that it was early to be thinking about this, but that doesnt mean that i cant have a conversation with my husband about it, and let him know what i would like to do if things play out that way, if they don't they don't thats fine, and if they do they do, that's fine too.
I would completely leave adoption out of the picture for now. I'll tell you why - you've already posted that you do all the child care work (which is fine if it works for your family), but if that is said too many times, and if your husband comes out with "and my wife wants to adopt him!" - this whole thing could start looking like "BrascosPrincess wants custody" and not "Dad wants custody"

Dad needs to want custody. If you and your DH want to raise this child - the picture presented to the judge needs to be "Dad wants custody and will raise this child" - in contrast to, "BrascosPrincess wants dad to get custody so that she can raise the child and be the hero of the story" (Truly - my ex went to court with something similar, "If I get custody Grandma will raise the baby! Grandma is SO much better than mommy!" He got his rear end handed to him FAST and I went home with baby. Parenting is not a popularity contest, its about who has legal rights that are articulated by the courts and the legislature)

It's OK for you to want this boy - but its not about you. It's about getting a little kid reunited with his dad, and into a stable home.

Quote:
I know that i will have to take him to visitations with his mother, I am highly capable of that, but what i think is ridiculous is the statement "or your husband is giong to have to step up and do more of the child care"

hmm yeah lets see how that would work, he works from 10 pm to 7 am, so by the time he gets home, kids are already awake, and had breakfast, and then he plays and normally around thier lunch time, he goes to bed, then he gets up at 8 pm, to eat his dinner, as me and the kids have already ate, gets dressed, and leaves for work around 9:35pm. He needs his sleep too, he busts his ass all night long at work, I'm sorry I'm not going to expect him to get home, change diapers, feed the kids, pick up toys, do the dishes..... He does a hell of a lot for myself and our kids I'm not asking him to do anymore.... And i don't see where that was even nessecary
Well, you need to put some thought into just how much you are adding to your plate here. This is not a baby, he can't be strapped to your back while you go about life. He's a child, and he's older than your other 2 kids (if I remember correctly). He's been through some trauma by your posts - he will not need less attention than your dd's, if anything he will need more. This is not going to be easy - I'm sure you can handle it, but you may need some help. If not from your husband, then from someone else. It's OK to need help (heck, I need help with my 3yo son sometimes, he's a handful and totally wears me out and there's only one of him! And he hasn't been through any trauma!), but you should get a plan in place so that its there when you need it.

You should also expect for this child to need to do lots of work to repair the relationship that he doesn't have with his dad (again, it doesn't matter why - its just going to have to happen). It's going to be HARD.

Rather than be sarcastic, you could respond to people in a way that is polite and states your point. I know that this information is not all roses and butterflies and unicorns farting rainbows - custody battles are stressful, they suck, and are NOT pretty - I've been through 2 incredible nasty ones myself - I would know (I also won both thanks to my ex being a lying *&^%$#@). The more you can do to lessen the drama, to lessen the hard feelings (doesn't matter whose feelings are hurt, doesn't matter why - hurting someone because they hurt you isn't right, and using hurt as a way to create or allow someone else to create drama gets you nowhere fast), and to make this as stress free as possible - the better it will turn out for everyone.
 
#44 ·
hug2.gif


I would be very frustrated if I were doing most of the child care, without getting much say in important decisions.

That being said I totally agree with all the posters upthread - you need to let DH handle both the ex and the courts:

-it will lessen any chances of "she said/she said"

-Your DH doing most of the work with the courts and social workers will show that he (who is the father) is invested in getting custody.

I understand your frustration and strong emotions - but do not let that cause you to do anything that would jeopardize your family's goal.
 
#45 ·
I have read this and I have read the other thread. You are getting very defensive when people bring issues up. I would use this discussion as a chance to work on that alone. In court cases there may be situation where others may phrase things in an intentionally inflammatory manner just to see how you'll react. If you react how you have in these two threads it will hurt your case. It's hard, and it may not be fair. But you are not interested in fair, you are interested in getting custody of your husbands son. So when something you said seems to be misunderstood or taken out of context or just seems like an attack take a deep breath and think how to respond that paints your husband in the best light.

For example: In the other thread you mentioned that visitation was limited up to this point because of disagreements about support payments. I'm sure it was more complicated than that you were simplifying the issues, however this statement got a lot of negative responses. Instead of getting mad, and saying further things that may make your appear unreasonable look at what you said and how you could have said it better or differently. For example, "Unfortunately we were still working on visitation and it had gotten complicated. My husband and his ex were still working on it and discussing and husband wanted to see his son more often." Now it's up to the ex to either corroborate or say that she was holding out visitation for more money. Which looks bad on her instead of looking like your husband just walked away from his son because he didn't want to support him. Or you could talk about how this was your husbands 1st and he was unfamiliar with all his rights and was still exploring what options were open to him.

Another example: In this thread you went on at length about how you should get more information because your husband spends very little time with the kids. When other pointed out that that would not look good to the courts you got defensive and upset. Instead of getting upset you could notice that once you explained your day better someone else pointed out that he spends as much time with his kids as other working parent. You now know that some people would view emphasis on your level of involvement over his negatively. Judges and social workers are people to. Now you can talk about both your roles in your kids and potentially in his son's life more positively.

When multiple people thing something is a bad idea it makes it even more likely that a judge or social worker may feel the same way, such as you having any contact with the ex. at this point. It might just mean that at least discussing your contact with the ex before speaking to her with a lawyer is a good option, making sure your husband is in on the conversation is a good option, just not talking to her is a good option....

People are just suggesting that you think about things from multiple perspectives before you act or speak.

It is hard when perfect strangers are judging every single thing you say. However, in a custody battle that is what will be happening in the court system. Take this thread as an opportunity to see how other may view things, both positively and negatively.
 
#46 ·
no what upsets me the most is that we have caseworkers coming in and out of my home on almost a daily basis, my kids are involved here, and yet i am not allowed to know anything when they are bringing my three children into it, i think i have a right to know when MY own children are being involved. and i know that this whole custody thing isnt about me it's about what is best for my stepson and i understand that, i also understand that talking to his ex could hurt us, thats why i blocked her numbers from my phone, and blocked her from my husbands email, (she doesn't have mine)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I so don't get what is going on? Sorry OP, do you want advice? You seem to not like what anyone is telling you so why do you keep asking? They're telling you what you need to do and the best way to get through it all, but you're getting defensive. It really isn't a good idea to talk to the mother right now, it could actually hurt things. You don't have to believe me or get upset because I said it but it's pretty accurate. I would step back and let things unfold, while I get you're upset that you don't feel included it's not about you OP, and while you feel it should be since you'll be doing the care giving it's just not how it works. While I admit it doesn't' really make sense as you'll be part of his care however this situation is really different than just a normal fostering. You're not his biological family and to the courts you're not even an after thought right now. I think you need to realize that and let go a little. If you find this offensive flag away but I don't think I've said anything inflammatory.

I do wish your family luck and blessings.
 
#47 ·
i do understand that i worded the thing with his support payments wrong, but what i meant was that she wanted more money, and she told us that the only way we could see my stepson is if she was there the whole time we had him, but the problem with that was that she would pull me aside, and talk really badly and negatively on my husband trying to paint a picture of him that is incorrect, and yes i know this for a fact because if any of it was true i would have been out the door almost 5 years ago. And the other problem with her and his visitations was that anything he tried to do with his son, play, tickle, look at books, change diapers, whatever it was she found a problem with it every time he touched his son it was a problem. We just couldn't deal with the drama anymore, and then she told us that the only way we could see him was to go to her parents house, where it would be her, her sister, and both her parents, against us and have four people doing this to him instead of just her. So yeah it was very complicated because she made it sound like he wasn't fit to be left alone with a child. Which is not true, obviously. Because I have no problem at all leaving my three with him for the day to go grocery shopping or whatever, he loves and adores kids, it's not like he's mean and abusive to them. And yes we were very unfamiliar with what his rights were, and are because, well truth be told we still are we haven't gotten a clear explanation on what they are, still.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JollyGG View Post

I have read this and I have read the other thread. You are getting very defensive when people bring issues up. I would use this discussion as a chance to work on that alone. In court cases there may be situation where others may phrase things in an intentionally inflammatory manner just to see how you'll react. If you react how you have in these two threads it will hurt your case. It's hard, and it may not be fair. But you are not interested in fair, you are interested in getting custody of your husbands son. So when something you said seems to be misunderstood or taken out of context or just seems like an attack take a deep breath and think how to respond that paints your husband in the best light.

For example: In the other thread you mentioned that visitation was limited up to this point because of disagreements about support payments. I'm sure it was more complicated than that you were simplifying the issues, however this statement got a lot of negative responses. Instead of getting mad, and saying further things that may make your appear unreasonable look at what you said and how you could have said it better or differently. For example, "Unfortunately we were still working on visitation and it had gotten complicated. My husband and his ex were still working on it and discussing and husband wanted to see his son more often." Now it's up to the ex to either corroborate or say that she was holding out visitation for more money. Which looks bad on her instead of looking like your husband just walked away from his son because he didn't want to support him. Or you could talk about how this was your husbands 1st and he was unfamiliar with all his rights and was still exploring what options were open to him.

Another example: In this thread you went on at length about how you should get more information because your husband spends very little time with the kids. When other pointed out that that would not look good to the courts you got defensive and upset. Instead of getting upset you could notice that once you explained your day better someone else pointed out that he spends as much time with his kids as other working parent. You now know that some people would view emphasis on your level of involvement over his negatively. Judges and social workers are people to. Now you can talk about both your roles in your kids and potentially in his son's life more positively.

When multiple people thing something is a bad idea it makes it even more likely that a judge or social worker may feel the same way, such as you having any contact with the ex. at this point. It might just mean that at least discussing your contact with the ex before speaking to her with a lawyer is a good option, making sure your husband is in on the conversation is a good option, just not talking to her is a good option....

People are just suggesting that you think about things from multiple perspectives before you act or speak.

It is hard when perfect strangers are judging every single thing you say. However, in a custody battle that is what will be happening in the court system. Take this thread as an opportunity to see how other may view things, both positively and negatively.
 
#48 ·
i make most of the important decisions, except sometimes when it's huge i do talk with him first. but all of this is just so frustrating and i dont mean to take it out on anyone on here if i did, i really didnt mean to, i just want to run and hide and bang my head off a brick wall repeatedly... not that it would help anything in the situation but might make me feel better lol

Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

hug2.gif


I would be very frustrated if I were doing most of the child care, without getting much say in important decisions.

That being said I totally agree with all the posters upthread - you need to let DH handle both the ex and the courts:

-it will lessen any chances of "she said/she said"

-Your DH doing most of the work with the courts and social workers will show that he (who is the father) is invested in getting custody.

I understand your frustration and strong emotions - but do not let that cause you to do anything that would jeopardize your family's goal.
 
#49 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

no what upsets me the most is that we have caseworkers coming in and out of my home on almost a daily basis, my kids are involved here, and yet i am not allowed to know anything when they are bringing my three children into it, i think i have a right to know when MY own children are being involved. and i know that this whole custody thing isnt about me it's about what is best for my stepson and i understand that, i also understand that talking to his ex could hurt us, thats why i blocked her numbers from my phone, and blocked her from my husbands email, (she doesn't have mine)
I think you're upset with the wrong people. The fact that caseworkers aren't working with you is reasonable. The fact that your husband won't tell you anything is indicative of a problem.
 
#50 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrascosPrincess View Post

…. but all of this is just so frustrating and i dont mean to take it out on anyone on here if i did, i really didnt mean to, i just want to run and hide and bang my head off a brick wall repeatedly... not that it would help anything in the situation but might make me feel better lol
Venting is good….and I expect it will be important for you to find a safe place to vent and let of steam. Vent…and then move on and make good decisions.

I do think you have a right to know information that affects you and your children. I would get this info from your husband - the caseworker is probably not allowed to give it to you due to confidentiality issues.
 
#51 ·
okay this is probably going to be wayyyy long but here it all is: when I met my husband she was like 6 months pregnant, i knew she was pregant but understood his situation as they had not had any contact at all since she found out she was pregnant, not a word about doctors appointments or anything was said to him while she was pregnant. I started dating him and moved in with him. We weren't together but maybe 3 weeks when we moved in together, I know its soon, but everything felt so right that I felt it was a good time. Then his son was born, she didn't tell him she was in labor, or even that his son was born, he found out because his dad's exwife called his grandparents and told them. And his grandparents called us and let my husband know. We got married a few months later, so this is now 9 months later since i met him. The day that she got out of the hospital she let him see his son for five minutes. And that was it. Then she wouldn't let him see him at all for three months because she was breastfeeding, yes that was really her excuse. Two weeks after my husband and I got married she filed for child support, because she heard that he married me. She let us see his son for three monts, When he was six months old she cut visits off because she found out that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. The only other times that my husband had seen him was when she had him in his place of work late at night, he would say hi and talk to his son for a few minutes, and then she left, We had tried to contact her several times over the past almost three years to get visits in, take him swimming in summertime, picnics, anything we could possibly plan and try to do fun for him. She never returned calls or emails. She paints a picture of my husband, not sure about even in court too, that he is: mean, controlling, abusive, and basically a pos. None of this is true about him at all, he's not mean, he's not controlling at all, and he has never once been abusive to me or i would be refering to him as my ex husband right now. It has all just been a big mess and it's so frustrating to both of us. And yes I do want advice I didn't mean to take my frustration out on anyone on here that wasn't my intention at all, it's so frustrating that everything I do is under a microscope, my kids are under a microscope, It's just all so frustrating. And also it's not just his name she is trying to drag through the mud, it's mine too. She's started dumb rumors about me, as we live in a small town, that I have anything from herpes to chlymadia(sp?) and that I'm a whore, slut, bitch, you name it I've been called it from her. Sorry for language just examples no offense intended. And other rumors too, but it's just ridiculous that she has to resort to acting like she's in third grade starting things like that instead of being an adult about it. She also wrote a long letter to us where she called my husband a sperm donor, Told him to lose her phone number and email, and that it would be a cold day in hell before he saw his son again. She also wrote a long blog on her myspace page back when that was big and popular about my husband, saying that I don't know what I'm getting myself into by being with him, and that she feels bad for me dealing with his abusive ways, and that she is surprised she didn't miscarry my husbands son because of all the stress he and his family put her through, because my sister and law, and brother in law tried to talk to her and be a part of my stepsons life too. and then i wonder why i have gray hairs already... im getting a migrane even thinking about all this i've wrote, I got to go take some excedrin and pick up toys again, but I hope all this clarified it more. And like I said I didn't mean to take my frustration out on anyone it's all just so hard and complicated to deal with...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I so don't get what is going on? Sorry OP, do you want advice? You seem to not like what anyone is telling you so why do you keep asking? They're telling you what you need to do and the best way to get through it all, but you're getting defensive. It really isn't a good idea to talk to the mother right now, it could actually hurt things. You don't have to believe me or get upset because I said it but it's pretty accurate. I would step back and let things unfold, while I get you're upset that you don't feel included it's not about you OP, and while you feel it should be since you'll be doing the care giving it's just not how it works. While I admit it doesn't' really make sense as you'll be part of his care however this situation is really different than just a normal fostering. You're not his biological family and to the courts you're not even an after thought right now. I think you need to realize that and let go a little. If you find this offensive flag away but I don't think I've said anything inflammatory.

I do wish your family luck and blessings.
 
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