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#91 of 127 Old 04-11-2012, 05:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i think its strange to me too, because i do understand that they dont want a bunch of random people in and out but also no matter how bad things are between us right now, we are still going to be together, and fix it eventually when his stubborn ass decides he wants to, but i feel that the kids deserve a chance to get to know each other too, and what really upsets me is that at his last visit, last week when the lady supervising it let his aunt in when i can't go, his aunt ran over to my brother in laws house, and bragged to him and his wife how upset i would be because she got to go in his visit and i can't. what upset me is that i feel like our kids deserve the chance, whether he ends up placed with us or not, they all deserve the chance to know each other and be in each other's lives. it bother's me too because i know he's not mine, and i know i don't have any legal rights to him at all but i still love him like he IS one of mine too, and that to me feels so bad not being able to go see him too.

 

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The whole thing about not letting you visit the child too is so strange to me. I get they dont want random people there, and i know with my agency they tried to keep friends, girlfriends/boysfriends etc to a minimum. But when my son's bdad had visits, he'd often show up with an entourage, his adult son and son's little boy, his sister, his cousin's..once there was three other adult men (family) and a little boy, another time it was the aunt and two little boys...they all would pile into the little visiting room and have a visit. Technically, i'd think your stepson has the right to see his sibs, at least, which are your children. I see not overwhelming him at the first visit, but if the goal is to have him move home with you, i'd think getting to know you earlier rather than later is important. Also, it seems it would be a good idea to see how he interacts with your little ones yknow? So i feel for ya that you are excluded.

 

 

You dont have to state it here, but if you are lower-income you may want to look into what kind of assistance you may qualify for, whether its free preschool, lower cost therapists, etc. My kids go to a local headstart half-days and its been really great for them. Plus its part of a larger community based therapy place my daughter attends, and they provide respite (drop off the kids to a really fun play area up to six hours/week and i can go shopping alone or get housework done or just not deal with kids for a minute! its GREAT!), they have playgroups, parenting classes, etc. Even if you arent lower-income, you could still try to find some community based activities(if you dont do that already) just to get you sort of out of the house, kids playing with other kids, you getting to talk with other moms. I'm worried you are feeling alone and overwhelmed and its probably going to get harder with the addition of another young child (one who will likely have some extra emotional needs and may not have learned healthy ways to live in a family.)



 

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#92 of 127 Old 04-11-2012, 06:46 PM
 
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I would seek counseling.  It sounds like you are in a really stressful spot- and it's not going to get better before it may get worse.  I am sorry your husband is being like that.  Did you seek counseling after your last abusive relationship?  I know I had to be single 4 years and go thru therapy to hopefully end the cycle of abuse.  But it took a lot of work on my part to be capable of picking better partners.  Him speaking to you like that is really not okay and I am sorry.

 

I hope things work out for you and this little boy gets to be with his dad if his mom is going to be incarcerated.  What a sad story.

 

 


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#93 of 127 Old 04-11-2012, 09:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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no i didnt seek counsiling i didnt handle it very well and self medicated with marijuana, pills, and alcohol.. but i dont do any of that anymore and have no thoughts of it ever again. the last time i drank i had a couple wine coolers on new years eve and that was it, neither me nor my husband hardly ever drink at all, and there is no alcohol in my house. the last time there was there was three beers that sat in my fridge for six months i got sick of looking at it he didn't want it, and i dont like beer so i dumped it out. but im going  to look into what councling services my insurance covers. im going to call tomorrow morning and find out.
 

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I would seek counseling.  It sounds like you are in a really stressful spot- and it's not going to get better before it may get worse.  I am sorry your husband is being like that.  Did you seek counseling after your last abusive relationship?  I know I had to be single 4 years and go thru therapy to hopefully end the cycle of abuse.  But it took a lot of work on my part to be capable of picking better partners.  Him speaking to you like that is really not okay and I am sorry.

 

I hope things work out for you and this little boy gets to be with his dad if his mom is going to be incarcerated.  What a sad story.

 

 



 

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#94 of 127 Old 04-12-2012, 10:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hubby and i talked last night, everything is good, i want to go more into detail about why im so stressed out, and stuff like that tonight, but we are good, he is on his way to his child support hearing right now, and then he's going to do a little grocery shopping and he will be back, im kind of worried about how that is going to go, but i will update when i get a chance.

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#95 of 127 Old 04-12-2012, 10:23 AM
 
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I'm glad you and hubby were able to work things out. I would still recommend seeking counseling (even if it is just so that you have a neutral 3rd party to vent to - we all need that sometimes!!), so that you have support outside the house while adjusting to another child who may need quite a bit of attention.

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#96 of 127 Old 04-13-2012, 06:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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well things with the hubby and kids are good, spent most of the day with my mother in law, we aren't very close so it was nice spending some time with her to get closer. my daughter didn't go to her cardiology appointment. Because a bunch of dumbass childish drama broke out, for no reason so now my brother in law, his wife, and my husbands aunt are not speaking to us. what happened is that my husbands aunt took him to his child support meeting and got into a i know more than you do about everything argument with the caseworker and my husbands exgirlfriend. i told him unfortunately in front of his brother's wife that he needs to find a different way to get there on days i'm not able to take him because it's not going to look good for him to have someone very argumentattive starting crap right in the courthouse. well that got turned into his brother's wife saying i said stuff i didn't say about his aunt, such as i supposedly said i dont want her driving my car to take my hubby into work anymore, not true i never said anything about it, and other stuff. it's just ridiculous that people that i thought were closer to me than that would go and turn their back on me and make accusatons like that, it doesn't bother the hubby cuz his attitude about it is "whatever it's stupid and childish" but i am taking it much more personally, am i wrong? my father is hardly in my life at all, my mother is not in my life anymore, my brother and sister are not in my life anymore, i felt like these people were the only family i really have that didn't do that to me, and here they go and do that.... i dont know maybe i am taking it alot more personally than i should... hubby said his aunt started arguing with him and saying a bunch of mean and negative things about me but he wouldn't tell me what she said he said he didnt know and that he wasn't really paying attention, i dont believe him i think he lied to me to spare my feelings... but part of me wants to know what she said..although i do understand why he wont tell me.  because i know he really was paying attention or he wouldnt have gotten pissed and yelled at her. i dont know im so sick and tired of people acting like third grade children when they are in ther 30's and early 40's

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#97 of 127 Old 04-13-2012, 06:39 PM
 
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Why can your husband not drive himself?


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#98 of 127 Old 04-13-2012, 09:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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he doesn't have a driver's liscense and doesn't like to drive and has no intrest at all in driving, and yes im totally fine with this and fully support his decision...

 

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Why can your husband not drive himself?



 

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#99 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 06:41 AM
 
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Just curious if a hearing date has been set yet for change of custody?


 
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#100 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 06:45 AM
 
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But since your stress level is so high, do you think that if he started driving, that would help?

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#101 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 08:55 AM
 
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he doesn't have a driver's liscense and doesn't like to drive and has no intrest at all in driving, and yes im totally fine with this and fully support his decision...

 

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Why can your husband not drive himself?



 


He needs to learn to drive. He's a big boy, and needs to find a way to not be dependent on other people.

It's fine that you don't mind him not driving, but it would take a huge burden off of you. Really, a huge burden.
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#102 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 02:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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no he doesn't need to learn how to drive, it's his personal decision if he wants to or not. I am not discussing this anymore.

 

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He needs to learn to drive. He's a big boy, and needs to find a way to not be dependent on other people.
It's fine that you don't mind him not driving, but it would take a huge burden off of you. Really, a huge burden.


 

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#103 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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im not talking about this anymore it is his personal decision to make NOT mine. end of conversation
 

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But since your stress level is so high, do you think that if he started driving, that would help?



 

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#104 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 02:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i dont know i know he has a court date coming up but i'm not sure what it's for exactly

 

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Just curious if a hearing date has been set yet for change of custody?



 

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#105 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 02:11 PM
 
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BP, I want to suggest that you might think about not offering details that are not relevant to the situation if you wish for people not to comment on them. You have been describing an immensely stressful situation, and folks are making suggestions that would reduce your stress. If you would like to have folks not comment on things that cause you stress, it makes sense not to include those details.

 

Also, since we are on the Adoptive/Foster parenting forum, this discussion should stay on the topic of the custody issue. A more open ended forum to discuss a whole range of things that might go with this situation would be the Blended Families forum here at MDC.

 

http://www.mothering.com/community/f/333/blended-and-step-family-parenting

 

In a way, this is kind of blended/step family issue more than an adoptive foster issue. Just offering that as a suggestion.


 
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#106 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 02:59 PM
 
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no he doesn't need to learn how to drive, it's his personal decision if he wants to or not. I am not discussing this anymore.

 

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He needs to learn to drive. He's a big boy, and needs to find a way to not be dependent on other people.
It's fine that you don't mind him not driving, but it would take a huge burden off of you. Really, a huge burden.


 


As long as he can get himself places it's not an issue - I hate driving and don't own a car, but I also live in a major metro area and can take the train/bus everywhere I need to go. Anywhere else I use zipcar (which I joined but haven't used yet).

If he's constantly needing people to take him places, it's a different story.
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#107 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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like i already said im not discussing this anymore its his decision and it's not up for discussion on here end of story

 

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As long as he can get himself places it's not an issue - I hate driving and don't own a car, but I also live in a major metro area and can take the train/bus everywhere I need to go. Anywhere else I use zipcar (which I joined but haven't used yet).
If he's constantly needing people to take him places, it's a different story.


 

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#108 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 04:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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me driving him is not more stress it actually relieves my stress i love driving it helps me relax and is very very theraputic to just drive with the cd player as loud as it can possibly go. and i am trying to keep it on track with the custody thing so i guess venting isn't allowed at all either then? because that's all i was doing. and i dont understand how its not a foster/adoption issue when my husband's son is in FOSTER care at the moment. it's fine nevermind i wont vent anymore since apparently thats one of the thousands of issues you seem to have with me.
 

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BP, I want to suggest that you might think about not offering details that are not relevant to the situation if you wish for people not to comment on them. You have been describing an immensely stressful situation, and folks are making suggestions that would reduce your stress. If you would like to have folks not comment on things that cause you stress, it makes sense not to include those details.

 

Also, since we are on the Adoptive/Foster parenting forum, this discussion should stay on the topic of the custody issue. A more open ended forum to discuss a whole range of things that might go with this situation would be the Blended Families forum here at MDC.

 

http://www.mothering.com/community/f/333/blended-and-step-family-parenting

 

In a way, this is kind of blended/step family issue more than an adoptive foster issue. Just offering that as a suggestion.



 

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#109 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 05:18 PM
 
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Sorry Brasco you're having a hard time.  The little things are not always relevant but people honestly want you to be okay.  I hate to hear when I need to buck up and figure things out.  But sometimes it's clears things up for me mentally.  I hope things work out for you guys.  It's a stressful situation altogether.  Good luck.

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#110 of 127 Old 04-14-2012, 07:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks its just awful right now i mean i know a little third grade crap talking and drama starting isn't a big deal, but it is very stressful as we live in an apartment complex and everyone that is doing this crap is literally right next door to me, there is no getting away from it, the only way i can get away from it is to take kids to park but it's been cold and rainy, go drive but i had to clean and stuff today so i couldnt, im just so exhausted from the drama, i just don't know when people will finally grow the hell up. it seems like they never will....
 

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Sorry Brasco you're having a hard time.  The little things are not always relevant but people honestly want you to be okay.  I hate to hear when I need to buck up and figure things out.  But sometimes it's clears things up for me mentally.  I hope things work out for you guys.  It's a stressful situation altogether.  Good luck.



 

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#111 of 127 Old 04-18-2012, 08:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so much happened today it's unbelievable. So hubby went to meet our lawyer and the guardian ad lightem today. They agreed on a custody arrangement kind of, they agreed that hubby should have custody of his son but they want to make the transition slowly for him so it's not overwhelming him all at once, we will have him saturday from 8:30am till noon and then overnight wednesday until im not sure what time on thursday or if thursday was overnight too. he still has his court appearance tomorow and our lawyer wants me to go as well. so does this mean he will definately get custody?

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#112 of 127 Old 04-18-2012, 08:13 PM
 
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it's looking good I would say- but the foster moms will know more- but from where I stand I think he will end up with you all.

How are you doing?
 


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#113 of 127 Old 04-18-2012, 09:01 PM
 
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It sounds like it is moving in that direction.
 


 
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#114 of 127 Old 04-19-2012, 08:05 AM
 
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It definitely looks like your husband will be getting custody. Hang in there, it may take a little while longer for the little one to actually move (or it could be very soon, I don't know), but having visitation at your home is a good start.

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#115 of 127 Old 04-19-2012, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so court went awesome today, husband still has his visit on saturday at home but instead of an overnight visit wednesday he officially starts having his Primary physical custody on wednesday and the little one is moving in!!!!! we are very excited and happy

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#116 of 127 Old 04-19-2012, 04:47 PM
 
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Great news- I hope the transition for this little one is a peaceful and positive one.
 


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#117 of 127 Old 04-19-2012, 05:52 PM
 
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Congratulations! I have been reading this thread and its predecessor from the onset. I am so pleased for you and your family. May all of your transitions be smooth and filled with love.


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#118 of 127 Old 04-19-2012, 07:07 PM
 
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Wow! I am so happy for all of you! Lots of positive thoughts headed toward your household that the transition is easy for all! 

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#119 of 127 Old 04-20-2012, 02:08 PM
 
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Congrats!  I read a wonderful blog by an adoptive mother on trauma parenting.  I'd be happy to share the link with you as she is just so full of amazing knowledge (even if your child didn't suffer trauma, I just love her parenting style).  

 

Best of luck to you and your growing family.


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#120 of 127 Old 04-22-2012, 02:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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we had the unsupervised visit at our home yesterday, it went AWESOME! he adjusted very very well, within a half hour he was not the same quiet shy kid that stood in my kitchen unsure. he loved playing with his sisters and didn't act like he wanted to leave. he did have a moment of sadness, i got down on the floor with him and asked him if he was ok, but he didn't answer me, so i asked him if he wanted a hug, he didn't answer me then either, so i told him to come here and give me a hug he climed up in my lap and gave me a tight hug, after about five minutes i told my husband to try and he picked him up and hugged him and talked to him for a few minutes and he went right back to being a very happy entergetic child. it was so adorable and fun to watch my husband have two little shadows following him around all morning. (my 2 1/2 year old daughter is a HUGE daddy's girl) i feel kind of guilty that i went for my stepson first as soon as i saw he was upset, i feel kind of bad that i took being right there asap away from my husband, and im feeling kind of guilty that i felt maybe i could make him feel better because i am a mom and because i thought he needed someone more softspoken to talk to rather than my husbands very very loud voice. but all in all it was a huge success! my 2 oldest kids loved him, my 6 month old didnt really care, lol. my six month old looked up at him smiled and went back to chewing on his toys so that is a compliment too at least he didn't scream. now i just hope wednesday goes very well and smoothly.

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