I just got a call from our worker asking if we'd be interesting in having our home study submitted for a 9 mo baby. I hate how vague the details are ("history of substance abuse, but he was removed for neglect...." Oh, okay. As if every foster case isn't due to substance abuse, child neglect, or child abuse, or some combination (okay, I know there are exceptions to this, don't flame me)).
Of course it has to be Friday so we have the entire weekend to stew. Of course they have to say the baby is Caucasian (when it's clear from other details they gave me that he's probably not, and of the three foster placements I've had, only one has been the race they told us). Race is not an issue for us but it makes me so uneasy when they can't even get that detail correct b/c it makes me wonder just how wrong they are about this "minor medical issue" or how resolved that "developmental delay" really is.
I think I need to be talked down. I'm so excited, but nervous that DH won't want to submit our home study for some reason (like we already have a foster child here and two's our limit), nervous that we will submit our home study and get on the roller coaster of "you've been chosen"/"we made a mistake, you weren't chosen"/"here's this major detail we left out...."
This waiting stuff really doesn't get any easier the more you do it, does it?
I don't know that it does. We were matched 3 times for adoptive placements (through the state--ours had a separate unit for children whose case goal was already "adoption") and by the third time, I really was expecting everything to go wrong. We had fostered long enough to know that stuff just goes wrong and they get information wrong... so we really just expected problems.
But that was nearly 4 years ago since our dd was placed with us and she's been awesome. Yes, we still have 2-3 different answers for different questions about the situation that led dd to us, but there's not really much I can do about it now (it will really be more relevant if and when my dd wants those questions about her own history answered ).
Sending you positive thoughts!!!
Heather - Wife , Mommy & Health & Wellness Educator, Speaker & Consultant
Let me guide you to find the food and lifestyle choices that fit your family...
Thanks! Our home study is being submitted today. I'm probably going to lose my mind. I've been through this before. I know it takes 6-8 weeks or more. I want an answer TODAY. Is that really too much to ask? :P
You know whats really great is when they finish it lightning fast, and its all done "except just needs the supervisor's signature!" and SHE goes on vacation for two weeks without signing it. Thats always fun! oh the memories.....
Yeah, when we adopted our son, we had a total of THREE fingerprints (and two homestudies) done b/c they kept expiring before the adoption could be finalized. Now our home study is up-to-date and just being submitted for consideration, but still... I believe when we were submitted for consideration for DS someone left for vacation right after that, too, so we had an extra week on pins and needles. Can't wait to see what the delays are this time!
Carly, mama to DS C (5th grade), DD Miss M (07/09, fostered 1/10, adopted 08/10), and Little Miss C (11/10, fostered 01/11, adopted 11/12). Foster Son, Mr. A, age 11 placed 10/13.
My angel babies , ~01/08~ (twins), ~09/08~, and ~01/09~.
How much stock do you place on dreams?
I had a crazy dream last night where we got a phone call over the holiday weekend not from our agency worker, but a colleague/supervisor of hers. She wanted to set up a meeting (with whom, she wouldn't say other than CPS) and wouldn't say whether we'd been chosen to be this baby's family or if we'd just "made the cut." Then as I tried to get more information out of her, she wouldn't even tell me it was about this baby.
We had another potential situation fall into our laps by chance last winter, and it never materialized, which was okay with us since we really wanted to foster for awhile and hadn't even finished our license at that point. That child was never in state custody and is (apparently) safe with family members.
But this other baby was part of the dream, like somehow I got it in my head that the one that seemingly dropped out of the sky last winter but was never a real possibility is suddenly an option.
And of course, since it's a long weekend, the communication was sketchy and I knew there was no way to call her back if I let her off the phone. I spent the rest of the dream tying to figure out why anyone would call on the weekend and schedule a meeting (for later in the week, it wasn't even like they had to see us first thing after the holiday) and not tell us why, or why they'd do this if we weren't chosen to be this baby's family.
I'm jumping out of my skin here. I'm going on how things went with DS's placement but I have no idea if my expectations regarding timing are even realistic. I have to assume that since they've decided to find a preadoptive placement for him that they need to get him moved ASAP. Preadoptive placements get a much smaller stipend than foster families so it's a bottom line thing in addition to being "the sooner the better" for his bonding with his new family. Other than family members popping up at the last minute, is there any reason to think it will take them longer than a couple of weeks to get through the initial home study reviews?
No news yet. I talked to my agency worker the other day (had a question about my current placement) and said, "I know I shouldn't ask but..." She said, "No news yet. I know it's hard to wait, but at least you have kiddos in the house already. I have another family waiting to hear about him and they don't have any kids."
My heart kind of sank. It seems to me that a family who wants kids and has none would be more likely to be chosen than a family with one child already in the home plus a foster placement. Especially since some people only want babies and we're open to babies and toddlers and preschoolers. Wouldn't a childless baby-only family get preference over us? She has no idea how long it will be before we hear something, and said we're not even likely to be told when the decision is made, unless we're the family they choose. We do have some way to find out after the fact if we're not chosen, but we don't know when "after the fact" will be.
I hope the decision would be based on which family best suits the child's needs, not which family is most deserving, anxious, or needs the child the most. Just a thought...
Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)
Well, yes, that's the hope and I'm sure the intention of the committee, but they are human and I'm sure their decisions take gut feelings and emotions into account.
When DS was placed with us at 4 months old, they said part of the reason we were chosen is that they wanted him to be an only child or at least the oldest. So they went with a family that didn't have any kids yet. That stuck with me, mostly b/c it made no sense. He has no issues that they could have known about then that would make a childless family a better fit for him than one with other kids.
I think it really just depends. Some committees will prefer childless couples for many reasons "so the child can get individual attention" or because they think the couple should get a shot at being parents. But sometimes a childless couple is seen as "not experienced enough" or for whatever reason they think the child will benefit from having siblings. You just never know. I have many friends who have large (6+ kids) families, and often are told they are "too big"...but really who is more prepared to take on a sib group of four or five kids, a mom who is adept at parenting a large group of kids already or one who has no kids at all and might be shocked at the change? Who knows, the childless mom might do great, and the big family mom might finally be pushed to her stress point.
Ive heard of things as simple as knowing the family has a piano or a pool make the difference.
So basically you'll drive yourself crazy wondering if you'll be chosen and thinking of all the possible scenarios.
What i've never understood is why they take so LONG picking a family...every day a family isnt chosen is a day longer the child stays in foster care. That never made sense to me. Once a child is freed for adoption, it shouldnt be taking weeks or months to give that child permanency.