Adopt Domestically, Internationally, or Have another kid. I'm really torn... - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 81 Old 09-29-2012, 05:40 AM
 
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I'm not arguing at all. This story has evolved from the original "biomom who had never parented was allowed to arrange a private adoption of a toddler who had been in care for two years, after the child had been home for three weeks and she decided she was not capable of parenting," to which I said WOW. Now we've gotten to "CPS worker takes endangered child back into custody and obtains guardianship, and then finds a way to involve biomom in the process of placing her child, thus making up in some tiny measure for the fact that she allowed the child to live in an abusive foster home for two years." It's still a pretty WOW story, but I completely agree with you  that the WOW part is not the part where your relative wound up looking at prescreened parent profiles and meeting with potential adoptive parents.

 

I'm so sorry for your relative and her child. I hope the abusive foster father is being prosecuted. gloomy.gif

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#62 of 81 Old 09-29-2012, 01:40 PM
 
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She didn't sign over guardianship until the family had been chosen and several weeks had passed. Involving her wasn't an afterthought. It was the intention from the minute the worker stepped foot in her home that day and something she asked for explicitly. She is not in your state by the way.

Foster dad isn't being prosecuted which is insane. Also seems not to be the exception to the rule.
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#63 of 81 Old 09-29-2012, 02:57 PM
 
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"The rule" being that most foster dads are abusive? 

 

I know that you're very upset right now, but that's not reasonable. Most foster parents are decent people. Just as most bioparents are decent people. 

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#64 of 81 Old 09-29-2012, 03:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

"The rule" being that most foster dads are abusive? 

I know that you're very upset right now, but that's not reasonable. Most foster parents are decent people. Just as most bioparents are decent people. 

Um....pretty sure she meant most abusive foster parents are not prosecuted
Heck I bet most dont even lose their license.

Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
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#65 of 81 Old 09-29-2012, 07:36 PM
 
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Um....pretty sure she meant most abusive foster parents are not prosecuted
Heck I bet most dont even lose their license.

Lol. Yes, thank you smile.gif. And Smithie, I'm not upset. You make me chuckle seriously, but I have a bad habit of feeling the need to clarify when you make incorrect assumptions. I should give up with the clarifications though because I don't have all day to spend on this forum.
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#66 of 81 Old 09-29-2012, 08:02 PM
 
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You're not upset? Baloney. Unless you made that whole story up, you are upset as hell and you should be.

I wish you could accept that my disagreement with you is not coming from a place of disrespect. You and I have had very different experiences, and it follows that we will have different opinions.
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#67 of 81 Old 09-30-2012, 10:01 AM
 
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What? I couldn't care less that a random person on the Internet whose judgement I've wondered about in the past doesn't approve of a situation that I think worked out beautifully.
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#68 of 81 Old 09-30-2012, 03:40 PM
 
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No, I meant upset that this terrible thing happened in your family - not that I disagree without you about how the foster system should handle the placement of traumatized children. THAT disagreement seems pretty minor in light of everything else that went down with your relative and her child. 

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#69 of 81 Old 09-30-2012, 06:40 PM
 
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PHew! Everyone take a breath! It is hard to communicate on the internet, especially when disagreeing.

 

Is everyone o.k.?
 

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#70 of 81 Old 09-30-2012, 07:50 PM
 
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Ha yes Lauren I think we are all ok smile.gif.

Smithie, thank you for your concern but I actually think everything went as well as it could have. Maybe I'm being cold or maybe it's that social worker in me that can emotionally keep my distance in these situations, but while it was sad for me to help walk them through this process and especially sad since this child is close in age to my own, I know that they are at peace with their decision and I know this child needed something his birth mother could not give him. That she was able to make an adoption plan in which she chose the family and met with them was amazing considering how she entered the system. I think the whole story really highlights he positives of public and private agencies working together to broaden the pool of potential matches. I see you view it differently, and I don't care. I don't mean that in a nasty way. It just doesn't bother me.
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#71 of 81 Old 10-01-2012, 10:10 AM
 
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I'm OK, too, Lauren. 

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#72 of 81 Old 03-31-2013, 12:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Whoa.....

Anyway. I'm back to say that I think we might pursue domestic infant adoption. I want to have that newborn experience again, but my pregnancy and labor were messed up enough I never want to repeat that.

DH isn't 100% on board yet. But I'm hoping he will be soon so we can get the ball rolling. I'm
Now doing research into agencies here in Oregon.

- Mom to Baby Mark (9/18/10) and 4 wonderful dogs!
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#73 of 81 Old 03-31-2013, 03:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

This is an interesting web site

http://www.adoptuskids.org/

 

It allows you to see photos and read about children in your state who are in need of adoptive placements. In my state, it is mostly sibling groups and teens.

 

From what I see around me (we know a really odd number of families that have adopted), there are children in need of homes, waiting and wanting homes. But they are big kids or teenagers who already been through a lot.

thanks for the link. =)

Oh! and good luck sk8boarder15.

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#74 of 81 Old 04-02-2013, 10:39 AM
 
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Just want to point out that kids who get onto the photo listings are not representative of all kids in the system. Photo listings are used as a kind of last resort. Many kids are seeking adoptive homes but aren't on photo listings (yet).
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#75 of 81 Old 04-02-2013, 11:33 AM
 
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In Oregon, there is no better choice than http://www.openadopt.org/

 

... unless you want to foster newborns until one of the placements goes to adoption. That is a lovely thing to do for kids (and at-risk families), if you are emotionally and logistically and financially able to cope with several/many newborns passing through your home. 

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#76 of 81 Old 04-02-2013, 04:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

I can't ETA from my phone but Smithie-- going back to my original point--it's a fact that there is a surplus of families hoping to adopt newborns of any race in this country. The fact that apparently the system isn't working properly in all parts of the country to ensure that birth mothers are made aware of all these options does not change that fact.

There is no need for American families to line up in droves to adopt African American newborns. Apparently there is a need for better collaboration on the parts of social workers and lawyers. Personally, aside from the obvious legal aspect of adoption, I don't think lawyers have ANY business whatsoever facilitating matches. Theyre completely unqualified to handle anything other than the legal aspects. But that is another topic entirely.


Colorado does not allow adoptions through facilitators. I'm unsure about how it would work with an adoption lawyer, but agency adoptions are highly encouraged here.


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#77 of 81 Old 04-03-2013, 09:56 AM
 
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Colorado is one of four states that requires birthmothers and prospective adoptive parents to involve an agency in their adoption plan. You could probably find a fairly hands-off agency if that's what you wanted, particularly if you came to them with a prospective birthmother already identified. But no, you can't get out of paying the agency in Colorado, unless you go through the state agency, which is free. 

 

http://www.theadoptionguide.com/options/articles/independent-adoption

 

BTW, I feel like that quote from APToddlerMama implies that I'm opposed to adoption agencies, and I'm not. I think they are a great resource for some people. I just don't think they should be mandatory. Adoption is a legal agreement, and two parties of sound mind should be able to enter into legal agreements without the supervision of a social worker. I mean, premarital counseling can be wonderful and I encourage people to sign up for the service if they feel they need it, but we'd never dream of allowing the government to refuse to issue a marriage license unless the couple applied through a therapist's office!

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#78 of 81 Old 04-07-2013, 07:25 PM
 
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Thank you for the info Smithie. I have done my research about it and knew that, but I appreciate your wanting to help. I don't think we would have considered anything besides foster care or an agency. We are opting for an agency, but I don't know which one yet.


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#79 of 81 Old 04-09-2013, 01:50 PM
 
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Sorry, I'm a terminal busybody, which is why the internet such a blessing to me ;-)

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#80 of 81 Old 04-09-2013, 09:24 PM
 
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LOL No big deal. I'd rather have things repeated than miss something. I think I'm down to 2 agencies in the search process, but I need to check on some things with DH.


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#81 of 81 Old 04-09-2013, 09:50 PM
 
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OP - I don't mean to pry but did something terrible happen with your pregnancy? You seem to be almost traumatized by it. Obviously everything turned out okay but I was just wondering why you never want to try again. I have an aunt who had two miscarriages & then she simply couldn't handle the idea of being pregnant again so she had permanent messures taken and her older sister (obviously also my aunt) had over a dozen miscarriages with her one baby making it all the way to 6 months along before she had enough.

So I guess my point is something that would keep one person from ttc again might be bearable for another. That's why I was curious about your reasoning for not wanting to get pregnant again.

*On a side note have you considered using a seraget to have another baby? IDK if it is legal in OR (it isn't here in MI) but I was just thinking if your DH doesn't want to adopt he might be more open to that.
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