My greatest fear has come true. My son, that we took in at 14 and adopted at 15, decided on Mother's Day that he no longer wanted to live with us and wanted to go back to his biological mom. This was after a series of events that took place throughout the weeks, including us calling the police on him because of drugs/alcohol/assault on me.
In the state of Michigan we can't kick him out, and we have to let him back in if he wants to come back home, but he's saying that he hates us and wants nothing to do with us and will never talk to us again. He's saying that she is a totally different person now and all the abuse he suffered by her was in the past and would never happen again, and all the domestic violence and abuse to his little brother and sister (who remained in the home) were overexaggerated.
I know this is normal, I know a lot of adopted children do this. Does anyone have any links to articles or books or know people who have dealt with this? He's my first and only child and I miss him so much and love him so much, but he treats us so badly. Not just in this but his absolute disrespectfulness when he was here is horrible. I feel so empty. :(
I'm so sorry. I don't have any links or advice, just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are going through this pain. I'm sure he knows you love him, but after 14 years of a crazy life with no rules and no structure, it must be hard for him to adapt and he is struggling. Just keep loving him, whether he lives with you or not . . . . hugs to you all
My cousin and his wife are dealing with this right now. Their 16-year-old son, adopted from foster care as a child, recently ran away and after several weeks missing, they found him with biological relatives. He is home, but they are not optimistic it will be for long. He basically doesn't want to live by their rules. Apparently he has run away to birth family before. They have a younger son who is a bio brother to this one, and it sounds like the younger one is giving them a run for their money as well.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
My only advice is to remember this is not about you. All the hurtful words and acts when he was with you, and now leaving you, is not about the experience of your love. It is about his earlier abuse and abandonment, and his scars from that. His words, even his own thinking, are expressions of wounds created long before you came into the picture. It is directed against you because you are safe and available. And because he has created a fantasy history (common) that casts you as the bad guy - mean, unreasonable rules, keeping him from a perfect life with the bios. The drugs, the aggression, the disrespect; all are symptoms of the damage done in his early years, no reflection on you.
I know you have heard all this before. But please go easy on yourself, and in a sense on him. You did not create the problem (even if he sees it that way), and you do not have the power to make it go away. But you did give him the precious experience of some time in a functioning loving family. Perhaps in time, when he learns that his fantasy family does not exist, he will remember what it is like, what is possible. You did your best to help him heal, and only time will tell if he will remember that.
I know the hole he left in your heart (because I have one also - different story, same result). In my experience the hole doesn't go away, but it does get smaller, less painful over time. Remember, you did not fail. The system is the failure.
Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)
IDK if I'm allowed to mention other online forums here, but I would check in forums.adoption.com. You might get more answers from folks who have BTDT over there.
My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine how that must feel.
We are going through something similar here. DBF's niece was adopted by her grandpa (who is also DBF's dad) when she was a baby and her mom went to jail. Once she turned 16, she became a terror. She hated high school, her friends were worse than enemies, and she had no good female influence in her life (except me but I met her when she was 13). Her mom came home from jail and finally got to spend time with her...and then her mom became pregnant in less than 3 months. All went downhill from there. She got in contact with her bio dad (who abandoned her) and ran away to him and his new family. DBF's dad gave up and finally gave up custody. He was very sad that she wanted to leave but she has put soooo much stress on him these past few years, it was hard to watch. We lived with DBF's dad when all this happened and she became like a sister to me like she was to DBF. But after she disappeared, it was apparent she didn't want contact with me at all, not even a "hey". It breaks my heart...
Sorry I have no advice but I'm so sorry you are going through this.
SAHM, college student, AND expecting #2 EDD March 20 2014! (25) * DS (10/2010) *
Loving life with DBF (24) since 10/2009
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I have a dear friend that has dealt with this many times, and is currently dealing with it. She is not on here but is on FB , as well as many support groups on there with Moms that have dealt with it. I can pass along that info in a PM to you if you want.
Waldorf Mom to 9 blessings ~6 by birth and 3 by fost/adopt~
|Adoption , Teenage|