Having a biological child after adoption - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 06-18-2013, 01:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just wondering if anyone else can share their experience with this. My husband and I thought it would be fun to foster and help a child in need, but hadn't planned to adopt as we weren't ready to be parents at the time. Of course we fell in love with our children and that all changed! We adopted them about a year ago and have had them for 4 years. They were 1 and 4 at the time they arrived and are currently 5 and 8. We are now expecting our first biological child.

 

They both seem super excited about it (actually both had been begging for a little sibling!)... but the other day my son said "Mommy did you always wish you could have birth babies but it never happened so you adopted me?" And it just broke my heart! I reassured him that I had always wanted both. And of course reiterated that no matter the reason for adopting all parents love their child, as some of his friends parents did struggle with infertility.

 

But anyway... I worry a little... that maybe they will feel like somehow they aren't loved as much. A friend of mine was adopted and her sister wasn't, she always felt she was treated unfairly and that her parents loved the sister more. I don't know if its true or not.... But my biggest fear is that somehow my kids will feel that way. The thought literally makes me cry as I just love them both so incredibly much (I'm a little hormonal redface.gif)

 

I've been trying to research and find books or articles on the subject but I can't seem to find anything about having a biological child after adoption. Everything I find is on adopting after having biological children.

 

I would just love to hear of anyone who has been in a similar situation... even people who have had bio kids first and adopted second... just on how you make sure all kids feel equally loved etc.


Mom through birth and foster care adoption to DS 9, DD 6, and DD 7 mos 
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#2 of 4 Old 06-18-2013, 02:17 PM
 
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We are currently trying for our first biological child and have one adopted. He's currently 17, we got him when he was 14. We have put off having a bio child because of his feelings. He, for a long time, felt that it wouldn't be fair that a new child got to have us from birth and he only got us at 14. He talked about how he'd run away if we were going to have a baby and how he wanted to be an only child. Just recently he seems to have come around, but we also haven't told him that we're trying either. I don't know how it will go if/when we do get pregnant.

 

Personally, I wish that I had had a bio child before adopting. Especially having adopted a teenager. I actually posted on here years ago for people's opinions on whether bio or adopted should be first, because I could see the benefits in either way, but just a short period of time later we were blessed with our son. So the universe made the decision for me.

 

We have had a lot of issues with our son, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. I just feel I might have been a better parent if I had experience with the "I hate you's" and the threats to leave us for his bio mom before having him. 

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#3 of 4 Old 06-18-2013, 07:14 PM
 
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I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it. You had him first, and now you want another child, and that's OK. A child who joins a family at 14 probably had a lot of years of hurt and you have welcomed him with open arms. Now it's your turn to do what you want. Congratulations on making this decision and good luck!


Raising and educating free-range kids in our farmhouse at the maple woods. In March, find us in the sugarbush making pure maple syrup.

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#4 of 4 Old 06-18-2013, 08:06 PM
 
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I think as long as you are open and affirming of all their feelings, including the less favorable ones, this will work out o.k. Having an infant in the family may well trigger some unmet needs that they experienced as infants. I would think some regression, some anger, some outbursts of mixed up feelings, would be expected. I wonder if you could schedule some cuddle time (like a baby) with each of them after the baby is born. Depending on their story, it may be helpful for you to share with them how much you wished you could have had them in your family and your heart when they were infants so they could have received all the love and care that they deserved.
 


 
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