Adoption/Foster/Starting Out Chit Chatty Thread Extravaganza 2014 - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 135 Old 05-27-2014, 09:55 AM
 
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I actually got two placement calls/emails before I had finished my MAPP classes, or even had the homestudy visits.
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#92 of 135 Old 05-30-2014, 06:39 AM
 
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So we've been approved as foster parents for over a month. We've turned down several respite requests and placements because they have been way more than we are willing to start with (two very special needs toddlers, teenagers, etc.), but hopefully we will get a call for just one child soon. We were told that young children usually come in sibling sets... We're planning to do respite for a single child 5 and younger but it's obvious that we'll have to expand the idea of what we're willing to take on, if we do indeed want to be foster parents.
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#93 of 135 Old 05-30-2014, 07:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So the ink hasnt even dried on our license and we dont even technically have it in our possession, and they are dropping off a tiny human this evening. I will be back later with more news.

Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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#94 of 135 Old 05-30-2014, 01:58 PM
 
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So we've been approved as foster parents for over a month. We've turned down several respite requests and placements because they have been way more than we are willing to start with (two very special needs toddlers, teenagers, etc.), but hopefully we will get a call for just one child soon. We were told that young children usually come in sibling sets... We're planning to do respite for a single child 5 and younger but it's obvious that we'll have to expand the idea of what we're willing to take on, if we do indeed want to be foster parents.
Give it time. It will happen.
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#95 of 135 Old 05-30-2014, 01:59 PM
 
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So the ink hasnt even dried on our license and we dont even technically have it in our possession, and they are dropping off a tiny human this evening. I will be back later with more news.
Yay! Good luck. I remember my very first placement.
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#96 of 135 Old 05-31-2014, 08:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a newborn and he is so relaxed. Very chill baby. <3 Its looking like a long term placement.
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Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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#97 of 135 Old 05-31-2014, 12:05 PM
 
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Sweet. Enjoy your little guy.
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#98 of 135 Old 06-01-2014, 05:12 AM
 
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How's it going?
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#99 of 135 Old 06-01-2014, 11:10 AM
 
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I have a newborn and he is so relaxed. Very chill baby. <3 Its looking like a long term placement.
Dawwww... That is FANTASTIC! Congratulations! Wishing all the best for you and all the people involved in this babe's life...

Thanks Polliwog

So literally hours after I wrote that whole paragraph I got a call for a school aged child, with a clearly defined amount of time they will be in respite, and nearby daycare already arranged. This child is way older than we originally intended to take on, but it seems that they are a gentle child who would really thrive in a quiet house. The child is described as being gentle and sweet by the social worker, the document we got, and the current foster mom. So the child should be a good fit here, even though they are older. We set everything up for babies and younger children so we worked all day yesterday to get things arranged and still have to lock up medicines and vitamins etc.

Hope you all are well!

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#100 of 135 Old 06-02-2014, 07:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Its such a rollercoaster. I am bonding with him so fast because he is so helpless, but I am also scared for whats to come.

Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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#101 of 135 Old 06-03-2014, 05:32 AM
 
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Its such a rollercoaster. I am bonding with him so fast because he is so helpless, but I am also scared for whats to come.
In our training they always talked about how important it is for you to bond, even though you know (or aren't sure if) they will be with you forever... Like, you just have to open yourself to repeated heartbreak in order to let the kids get a healthy idea of attachment...

I just got immediately attached, like the night they dropped off our kid... I knew intellectually that it will be hard to let go, but oh my goodness. Just being a single kid in a house with two parents the kid is already doing much better at some of the big issues. These are just things that need attention and reminders from adults. Plus this kid is just really sweet, just like the SW and FM said. I already know it will be REALLY hard to let go.
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#102 of 135 Old 06-06-2014, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am struggling. He is taken care of wonderfully, but I am struggling with the whole concept of foster care. I will see this through, but because he is so small, and so consuming, this is a really mentally hard first placement for me. I feel sad 90% of the time and I am very sleep deprived.

Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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#103 of 135 Old 06-07-2014, 04:58 PM
 
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(((HUGS))) Having a newborn is hard work, and fostering adds another layer of complexity, and heartache.
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#104 of 135 Old 06-09-2014, 05:25 AM
 
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I am struggling. He is taken care of wonderfully, but I am struggling with the whole concept of foster care. I will see this through, but because he is so small, and so consuming, this is a really mentally hard first placement for me. I feel sad 90% of the time and I am very sleep deprived.
Thinking of you from afar. That is so hard.
We let go last night. There was a lot of crying from both the child and me, and DH and I felt a terrible vacuum when he left. And that was after a week and we knew he was going back to a safe and happy home at the end of the week. This is f'ing intense. How do you guys do it?
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#105 of 135 Old 06-09-2014, 07:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am feeling a little better about things the last couple days. I am also considering opening my second bed in the fall. For a 2-4 year old girl. I must be crazy.

Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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#106 of 135 Old 06-09-2014, 07:33 AM
 
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TeamViddy wrote:

We let go last night. There was a lot of crying from both the child and me, and DH and I felt a terrible vacuum when he left. And that was after a week and we knew he was going back to a safe and happy home at the end of the week. This is f'ing intense. How do you guys do it?

The same way you're doing it, sweetie. Welcome to Team Foster Mama.



Incidentally, if your kiddo was thriving as an only in your home, is there a possibility that you might ask to have him placed with you for the duration of his time in care? Or is that not feasible for some reason?
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#107 of 135 Old 06-09-2014, 07:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thinking of you from afar. That is so hard.
We let go last night. There was a lot of crying from both the child and me, and DH and I felt a terrible vacuum when he left. And that was after a week and we knew he was going back to a safe and happy home at the end of the week. This is f'ing intense. How do you guys do it?
I know its going to feel like a punch in the gut. Its going to wind me. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs.

Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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#108 of 135 Old 06-11-2014, 07:05 AM
 
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MountainMama, how are you feeling?

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Incidentally, if your kiddo was thriving as an only in your home, is there a possibility that you might ask to have him placed with you for the duration of his time in care? Or is that not feasible for some reason?
Thanks for the well wishes... He as asked us to adopt him twice, once last night when we saw him during a training and once while he was in our care for the week... The first time my heart was broken into a million pieces and the second time I realized we will see him many times during trainings, etc., and we really need to figure out how to respond so he feels valued and wanted. We aren't planning on adopting at this time, although if just about any infant with a high probability of TPR came around, we would consider. I hate to think about what that really means as far as how much we value a school-age kid vs. infant, or how we talk to a school aged kid about the fact that we are not open to adoption in this situation. Heck, in this situation, I have no idea if we even can adopt him, because I didn't get a lot of information about his bio family.

I think there's a possibility of placing him in our home- it would mean splitting up siblings but they would still get a chance to see each other frequently (if we stuck w the same daycare, which is convenient, they could see each other every day). His current FM thinks both would do better alone but the siblings do really need each other... DH is very against having a longer placement at this time and wants to just do shorter term respite. DH was investing a TON of time and emotional energy into caring for this kid. He couldn't see himself putting that much effort into caring for him all the time. But I think that with a lot of attention to his two biggest problems, which would be solved by just living a healthier life than he is now, he could become more independent quickly.
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#109 of 135 Old 06-11-2014, 08:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am finding peace in what's to come. I am going to let December me worry about that stuff. I think I just needed to let reality soak in and dwell on it for awhile so I could move past it. The knot in mt stomach is gone and I am happy about that.

Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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#110 of 135 Old 06-16-2014, 08:45 AM
 
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Awww hugs to you. I'm glad you are starting to find peace. I remember crying every night for a couple weeks when our children were first placed with us.

Mom through birth and foster care adoption to DS 9, DD 6, and DD 7 mos 
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#111 of 135 Old 06-23-2014, 08:10 AM
 
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You are a pro, MountainMama. I didn't get rid of that knot for months.

TeamViddy, I'm not going to say much on this topic because I am so biased - our eldest was adopted at age nine and it was absolutely the best decision we ever made. If your DH would like to talk to another DH about the process of becoming a father to an older child, PM me and we'll set it up. But ultimately, it has to be something you both want or it won't work out.
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#112 of 135 Old 06-23-2014, 09:27 AM
 
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Yay to those of you who have/had placements!

So I was just thinking the other day and wondered...can you take foster kids on family vacations? If so, are there restrictions on how far you can go? If not, do you go without them (which sounds horribly mean), or do you just skip vacation/reunions/etc for the duration of the placement?

Also, what if you move? I assume an out-of-state or -country move is a no-go, but what about locally?
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#113 of 135 Old 06-24-2014, 07:09 AM
 
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We can take kids with very little problem at our agency. Before TPR we just needed to get birth parent's permission. Ours would always give it and was super happy for all the places we took our children. We always made sure to give her pictures of them doing things which would get her excited about them traveling. Some birth parents will say no just to feel like they have a little control. In that case you need to get a judge or CPS to approve it. After TPR our kids birth mother could no longer give consent so at that point we needed CPS to approve. It was pretty easy though, we just submitted paperwork with the days we planned to travel and they returned it signed. It was super easy for us. I think it just took me longer to explain it then it took to get approval

Some people do vacation without foster kiddos. Especially if the vacation was planned before placement or if the kiddo is high needs and they need a break. In that case the child can be placed in respite or you can have someone close to the child get clearance and stay with the child. For example I was once traveling for work and it was too much to bring the kids so I had my mom come stay with them.

Moving in county is no problem at all, though you have to get them to visit and update your license. Moving out of county can be a problem but they might try to work with you. Moving out of state is a no-no unless TPR has occurred and you are on the track for adoption. Then you might be able to do it, but you might have to wait until the adoption is finalized.

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#114 of 135 Old 06-24-2014, 07:17 AM
 
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I've always been able to travel with my foster kids. If we're only gone two nights, we don't have to do anything. More than that, I just need to send the social worker an email.
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#115 of 135 Old 06-24-2014, 07:53 AM
 
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Thanks, ladies! We don't travel a ton, but I wouldn't want to feel stuck between never going anywhere and feeling like I was abandoning kids that might already feel abandoned. Moving is another story, but we're still years away from fostering, so maybe that will change?

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#116 of 135 Old 06-24-2014, 11:59 AM
 
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Things are going well for us. We are done our classes. We are finished our individual interviews and we go in the beginning of July for our couple one. Then she gets to know us as a family at home. We are hoping that we will be finished by the fall. Just an update. Oh and we are wanting to adopt.
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#117 of 135 Old 06-24-2014, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You are a pro, MountainMama. I didn't get rid of that knot for months.

TeamViddy, I'm not going to say much on this topic because I am so biased - our eldest was adopted at age nine and it was absolutely the best decision we ever made. If your DH would like to talk to another DH about the process of becoming a father to an older child, PM me and we'll set it up. But ultimately, it has to be something you both want or it won't work out.
Aw, thanks. I still worry, but at least I have an appetite now. I am going to do my best to support his mom while keeping boundaries intact. I dont want to be an obstacle for her. She left for awhile but she will be back soon, and I want her to feel supported. I havent met her at all, but I am going to let her decide when she wants to do that, and let the workers take care of the visitation until she feels comfortable meeting me in passing. I figure letting her have input and feel she has some dignity will encourage her to make good choices. And if not I can say I never stood in the way. This is hard, but its not my story unfolding. Its theirs, and I just get to be a bystander.
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Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years.
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#118 of 135 Old 06-25-2014, 08:13 AM
 
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Hey Moms. i'm a new foster mom. we were licensed and had our first placement April 23. WOW!! we thought we were prepared. we had a 1 year old girl stay just 5 days and her sister (3) stayed 5 weeks. and we also have 2 daughters of our own 10 and 7. that was a CRAZY TIME!! end of the school year (with all the programs)!! then we had a 2 week break.
on monday of our vacation at the beach DSS starting calling about another placement. 3 year old girl that had been in care for 4 weeks but foster mom didn't want her to stay. no one could really give me a definite reason.
QUESTIONS....
Why does DSS have to be so secretive? do they really think they can hide something? i mean really...1 week in my house and i knew exactly why the foster mom didn't want to keep her!!
Somedays I feel as if I'm pushing a rock uphill with DSS and everything thats involved. i've had to push for services (mental health eval) speech therapy eval, WIC for her.
UGHHH...its frustrating!!
not to mention the negative feedback from family about why we are even doing this??
were we going to take another one after the first one???? REALLY???
did they think we did this for a one time thing??
sorry...i'm ranting but i just needed to get this off my chest.
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#119 of 135 Old 06-25-2014, 09:13 AM
 
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That's an exciting update homeschoolingmama! One step closer to finished
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#120 of 135 Old 06-28-2014, 09:27 AM
 
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For some reason I stopped getting email updates so I didn't see your response, Smithie. I do appreciate what you're saying, and I might take you up on that offer if we get much further. Trust that if DH didn't have a differing opinion, I would have started snooping around and finding out whether the kid's parents have been TPR'd (I have to admit, I found the child's birth parents on FB and they have been careless about sharing personal info in a public sphere, and based on that I would assume one of the parents might still have some rights but I'm not sure). I am still not sure if the kid will be adopted or they are still working on reunification. Also not sure what kind of priority they put on keeping siblings together, and I can tell for sure that in this situation I personally would not be willing to adopt the two of them together. I am just not ready to take on two kids on the cusp of being teenagers, and I can say that with no doubt in my mind. I would be surprised if DH felt differently.
We have not picked up another placement at this point, but did just get asked to watch our first kid again, this time for about half a week. We may be able to take the kid to do something tomorrow as well. So we are able to continue this relationship, which we both really appreciate.
I'm very interested in any advice people have to offer about how to respond when the kid asks if we can adopt him. Just to review- we are not sure what his reunification plan is like right now, and I don't know how to talk to him about it and make sure he still feels valued.

Monkeyscience, you can go either way. We are providing respite care- hopefully your agency can provide that if you go on a vacation without the kids. Or it shouldn't be too hard to get approval to take them. Depends on the situation. When I was a kid my parents went off without us a few times a year and they still have a healthy relationship, and I've always thought it was a good idea for your relationship/sanity. Of course we stayed with our grandparents who we adored more than anything, so that's probably a big difference between kids with a tightknit family and kids in the system. I hope we can take a kid to the beach someday, and I also hope that if we have a longer term placement we can have a nice adult weekend every once in a while. In my state I think you get 12 days a year of respite without giving up your per-diem-- I think...

Mountainmama, I think this is a great way to encourage the birth mom... It sounds like you are really doing the right thing. Many hugs and well wishes.
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