Adoption/Foster/Starting Out Chit Chatty Thread Extravaganza 2014 - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

Adoption/Foster/Starting Out Chit Chatty Thread Extravaganza 2014

queenjane's Avatar queenjane
11:18 AM Liked: 587
#121 of 152
06-28-2014 | Posts: 3,200
Joined: May 2004
Originally Posted by teamviddy View Post
I'm very interested in any advice people have to offer about how to respond when the kid asks if we can adopt him. Just to review- we are not sure what his reunification plan is like right now, and I don't know how to talk to him about it and make sure he still feels valued.
I usually just tried to put it back on the judge. "oh honey im not in charge of decisions about adoption...thats for the judge to work out" type of thing. Or "if you have questions about adoption you can talk to your worker about that, but my job is to make sure you have an enjoyable time when you're here with us....want to go for a walk/watch a movie/help me make dinner/whatever" If you are absolutely sure you WONT be adopting this kid, you might even say "no honey, we arent the family going to adopt you...but we sure enjoy having you to visit!" or something like that. You might want to speak to the worker about what he is being told and what "script" she would like you to use (but if she gives you bad advice dont follow it ) It may be possible that the other family does think if you have him enough that you'll "fall in love" and be willing to adopt, and he may have overheard (or even misunderstood) something in that home.
monkeyscience's Avatar monkeyscience
03:15 PM Liked: 3235
#122 of 152
06-28-2014 | Posts: 2,364
Joined: Feb 2008
Originally Posted by teamviddy View Post
Monkeyscience, you can go either way. We are providing respite care- hopefully your agency can provide that if you go on a vacation without the kids. Or it shouldn't be too hard to get approval to take them. Depends on the situation. When I was a kid my parents went off without us a few times a year and they still have a healthy relationship, and I've always thought it was a good idea for your relationship/sanity. Of course we stayed with our grandparents who we adored more than anything, so that's probably a big difference between kids with a tightknit family and kids in the system. I hope we can take a kid to the beach someday, and I also hope that if we have a longer term placement we can have a nice adult weekend every once in a while. In my state I think you get 12 days a year of respite without giving up your per-diem-- I think...
I totally agree that adults-only vacations are good for a marriage - we've only had one in the past two years, though. (I refuse to count an intense house-hunting trip while I was both pregnancy-sick and horribly virally sick as a vacation, even if DS wasn't with us!) Anyway, I wouldn't have an issue leaving the foster kiddo at home if the bio kids (we have one, and will have another this fall) are also staying home. I would hope there would be a way to arrange for them all to stay HOME, though, not have the foster kid shuffled off elsewhere while bio kids stayed with friends or grandparents. I'm hoping to have as little distinction as is reasonable between bio kids and foster kids, if/when we foster. I was more worried that if we were going to a family reunion, we'd be able to take our bio kids, but have to leave the foster(s) at home, which seems mean even if it isn't our "fault", KWIM?

For those who have BTDT with bio kids (or with legally adopted kids) and foster kids - how much of a distinction is there between the two categories? Other than things like having to have visits with a social worker, or with their bio parents, are there limits on what you can or will do with/for your foster kids, vs bio/adopted kids? Does some of it depend on the particular placement situation? Do you buy them birthday and holiday gifts? Put them in extracurricular activities? (Also, somewhat apropos of holidays - are you allowed to take them to religious services?) Also, if there are good books or websites for answering some of these questions, feel free to direct me there so I won't take up the thread with so many questions.
teamviddy's Avatar teamviddy
05:17 PM Liked: 80
#123 of 152
06-29-2014 | Posts: 359
Joined: Aug 2011
Originally Posted by monkeyscience View Post
I would hope there would be a way to arrange for them all to stay HOME, though, not have the foster kid shuffled off elsewhere while bio kids stayed with friends or grandparents.

For those who have BTDT with bio kids (or with legally adopted kids) and foster kids - how much of a distinction is there between the two categories?
Yes, totally. I personally can't think of a situation where you'd be able to leave them at home, unless you have some very generous parents who are willing to go through the process of becoming foster parents. It just wouldn't feel that great to have to make that distinction.

Can you tell me what BDBT means? We don't have any of our own so I can't speak to the question. And I have found the internet to be relatively lacking in resources, considering how much is out there for bio and adoptive parents. Based on the people who foster through our agency I wouldn't be surprised if your usual foster parent isn't big on using the computer... Seems that most of what I see is young Christian couples posting on the internet but most of the other folks who tend to be foster parents are not. And I haven't found a whole lot of really solid info about rules and regulations. We had a whole class where the social worker was required to read the state code for 3 hours straight. After a full day of work. zzzzz. Apparently if you have more than one step you have to have a railing, and you legally must wash the bed sheets once a week or more (are we gross for doing it every other week?!). I think the rest of the rules and regs slipped out of my gray matter.

There are some things I've enjoyed reading and listening to... Again, mostly young churchy types (we are not churchy at all but this stuff still resonates) and again, not a whole lot of practical stuff but more everyday trials and tribulations.

Foster 2 Forever blog, which lists blogs: a good place to start exploring
Foster Podcast
Foster Care: Our Love Story

There was one called Good & Hardy, which I loved, but it looks like it's not available anymore (I think if families are going through adoption procedures they are advised to go into internet hiding- not sure if that's what happened, but maybe...).
monkeyscience's Avatar monkeyscience
06:02 PM Liked: 3235
#124 of 152
06-29-2014 | Posts: 2,364
Joined: Feb 2008
BTDT = been there, done that

Thanks for the links - I will have to check them out. And if you are gross, we are absolutely disgusting on the sheet issue!
superbeans's Avatar superbeans
02:13 PM Liked: 162
#125 of 152
06-30-2014 | Posts: 571
Joined: Apr 2007
Team Viddy, thank you for sharing those links! I am a blog reading addict so I am loving the list of blogs on Foster 2 Forever
kathteach's Avatar kathteach
09:17 PM Liked: 43
#126 of 152
07-06-2014 | Posts: 1,343
Joined: Jun 2004
Wondering how everyone is? We were approved this past Friday, so I am on pins and needles wondering if we will get a call.

Did any of you watch the Our America show about foster care with Lisa Ling? That was filmed in my county. Any thoughts about it?
superbeans's Avatar superbeans
01:05 PM Liked: 162
#127 of 152
07-07-2014 | Posts: 571
Joined: Apr 2007
Congrats on approval! I didn't see it. When was it on?
ivparker's Avatar ivparker
06:40 AM Liked: 0
#128 of 152
07-08-2014 | Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2008
Monkeyscience, there really isn't much distinction between foster and bio kids. They get treated just like bio kids in many ways. We do need to get approval for a few things, like leaving the state, but that is usually easily attained. They go to church with us, we buy them gifts and throw them birthday parties. Honestly, treating them any different like putting your bios into extracurricular activities but not your foster kids is just wrong. Unless there is a behavior issue or something that would deter you from putting them into an activity if they were your bio or not.
homeschoolingmama's Avatar homeschoolingmama
04:54 PM Liked: 64
#129 of 152
07-09-2014 | Posts: 947
Joined: Jun 2007
Congratulations!!!! That must be so exciting!!!!

We were told in our last interview that her goal is to approve us by September. We have a big family vacation the end of July to the first wk in August so that will pass the time. She just has to meet our children and write up her report. I can't believe this is finally happening! I can't wait until we can tell everyone about this.
PoorUglyHappy's Avatar PoorUglyHappy
10:21 AM Liked: 30
#130 of 152
07-15-2014 | Posts: 197
Joined: Aug 2011
I just finished reading all the updates! I haven't been around in a while as we took a second placement May 1st - a 2 month old little girl. Her case right now is looking like reunification will happen in December and if not, she will be moved to family in another state. Her case is totally different than FS's case and adding in extra visits and appointments has been crazy!

Homeschoolingmama - You are so close! The time until you get your approval will fly by.

Kathteach - I am in your county too! Have you gotten any calls yet? Or maybe I should be asking about your 1st placement, lol. I didn't get to see the Our America episode. I am curious as to what they highlighted.

To everyone else - thanks for keeping me in the loop! I appreciate all of the updates.
teamviddy's Avatar teamviddy
10:15 AM Liked: 80
#131 of 152
07-16-2014 | Posts: 359
Joined: Aug 2011
Hi PUH! Another baby! You guys must be so busy!

Kathteach, congratulations on your approval!

We haven't had any more respite placements. We did have our first frustrating social worker experience-- a reminder about where the foster parents fall in the hierarchy of the treatment team. We're taking more trainings and working towards therapeutic status...
superbeans's Avatar superbeans
07:36 AM Liked: 162
#132 of 152
07-17-2014 | Posts: 571
Joined: Apr 2007
Hey ladies, we're having a giveaway on my blog. I thought you guys might be interested. The giveaway is for a really sweet piece of jewelry designed by a 5 year old adoptee from China. It's from a drawing she made for her mom of a heart within a heart (she told her mom "I grew in your heart!")

Here is the post if any of you are interested. You can enter simply by looking at her kickstarter (you don't have to donate), liking their facebook page, or sharing the post:
childdesired's Avatar childdesired
02:35 PM Liked: 2
#133 of 152
07-20-2014 | Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2014
Hello everyone!
I've been lurking since April & finally decided to say hello. I'm a 32 year old mom with a 12 year old daughter. I've been having baby lust & decided to become a foster parent. I have completed the application with my county's DSS, but the social worker is being slow about getting back in touch with me. I have completed fingerprinting, background, & physicals. I'm waiting for the home study. I'm looking to foster children 0-3. Any advice for preparing for the home study will be greatly appreciated. I live in South Carolina, if that matters. Thanks & continue to be loving parents.
JennLeaf's Avatar JennLeaf
01:52 PM Liked: 5
#134 of 152
08-27-2014 | Posts: 16
Joined: Mar 2014
my fence-sitting DH has finally decided that he is ready to go forward starting the process, self employed or not! But then of course, he was called for an interview in another province for a great job, so we might have to go back to the drawing board and find out what their system is like, and it would delay a year again because we need time to move etc. But at least he is certain he wants to go forward!
Smithie - thank you for your advice, you are right that we need to not overshare with social workers. This will be a battle for my gregarious honest-to-a-fault DH.
homeschoolingmama's Avatar homeschoolingmama
07:15 PM Liked: 64
#135 of 152
08-27-2014 | Posts: 947
Joined: Jun 2007
I am feeling pretty upset! We were very close to being approved. Our homestudy was done and everything was good to go. We got a call today from our worker saying that her supervisor has some concerns with our financial paper. Why wouldn't they say something in the beginning!!!! We handed in those papers and someone had to approve us to go ahead and go through the process. We have done 27 hrs of classes, interviews, had the kids interviewed, make a profile book which took hrs, renovated our boys bedroom ripping out the big closet and made room for a bunk bed that we purchased. The whole rm was redone so we could fit in 2 more boys in there. Our worker said it was ok to get excited and to work on the rm. We had the go ahead. And now on Tues we have to go over our financial stuff to see if we can. Here I am thinking that next month we would be waiting for a phone call and now it might never happen.
I am trying to remain calm but it is hard to wait a week to find out. My husband makes pretty good money with a stable job. It is just because we have so many of our own children that they think it may be too much on us. We know what we can handle. If I HAD to go out and work, I could. I choose to stay home because we can afford it. Anyway, vent over. Now we wait. Again. Sigh.
prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels
04:05 PM Liked: 235
#136 of 152
08-28-2014 | Posts: 1,605
Joined: Jun 2007
So glad to have come across this thread in the recent discussions box!!
I'm just starting the process to foster & adopt through a local agency. I'm 37, single w/o children, and TTC via donor. The SW came to my home about 3 weeks ago and played 20 questions for 2 hours straight. She was great and I felt we had a good connection. She was really encouraging and even said she'd license me right then and there if she could! So I was feeling really hopeful about the whole process and I knew going in that I would need to make some changes/finish some remodeling projects around the house before I could get licensed but she assured me that if everything was complete by the time training is done (nov/dec) that all would be well. THEN I got an email from her a few days later saying I could attend training, but could NOT move forward with licensing.... and that was it!! No explanation or anything! So of course I'm kinda freaking out and I email her back asking for clarity, wait over a week, still nothing... write again explaining that I still need clarity, parameters to work in, etc and get another brief email back saying she's been super busy, not ignoring me blah blah but still no clarity and training starts in 1 week! ACK!
I know I have to be patient and waiting is all part of the process, but sheesh...
homeschoolingmama's Avatar homeschoolingmama
11:53 AM Liked: 64
#137 of 152
09-10-2014 | Posts: 947
Joined: Jun 2007
The waiting is killing me!!!!! Every step we have to wait. We are hoping for answers this wk or next and then we move on to matching with children.
prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels
11:52 PM Liked: 235
#138 of 152
09-10-2014 | Posts: 1,605
Joined: Jun 2007
Training got cancelled and they won't move forward with licensing me in my current home-period. I'm so disappointed after how encouraging she was about everything. So this option is tabled until I move to a different house maybe in a couple years. fooey.
MountainMamaGC's Avatar MountainMamaGC (TS)
08:48 PM Liked: 2331
#139 of 152
09-13-2014 | Posts: 3,055
Joined: Jun 2008
Originally Posted by prescottchels View Post
Training got cancelled and they won't move forward with licensing me in my current home-period. I'm so disappointed after how encouraging she was about everything. So this option is tabled until I move to a different house maybe in a couple years. fooey.
I am so sorry they did that. If you want some answers you can go above her head if you wont give you any reason why.
prescottchels's Avatar prescottchels
09:11 PM Liked: 235
#140 of 152
09-13-2014 | Posts: 1,605
Joined: Jun 2007
She did give me reasons, but lame ones, imho...
MountainMamaGC's Avatar MountainMamaGC (TS)
02:47 PM Liked: 2331
#141 of 152
09-23-2014 | Posts: 3,055
Joined: Jun 2008
In couple months the baby is leaving us to live with his bio sibling. They are good people but I am a sad panda. I talk the talk, now I gotta walk the walk that is foster care.
deborahbgkelly's Avatar deborahbgkelly
02:24 PM Liked: 48
#142 of 152
10-07-2014 | Posts: 2,964
Joined: Feb 2011
Hi everyone! I disappeared for a while, but I'm back. Hubby got a job at Google and seems to love it. We're building a new house and... I just sent our adoption application!
Attached: IMAG3487.jpg (90.9 KB) 
monkeyscience's Avatar monkeyscience
03:17 PM Liked: 3235
#143 of 152
10-07-2014 | Posts: 2,364
Joined: Feb 2008
Deborah, I was just stalking you the other day and wondering what you were up to. Exciting news!
deborahbgkelly's Avatar deborahbgkelly
03:20 PM Liked: 48
#144 of 152
10-07-2014 | Posts: 2,964
Joined: Feb 2011
You don't have to stalk! I'm glad my timing was just right :-). Send me a message and I'll give you my email and such.
monkeyscience's Avatar monkeyscience
03:21 PM Liked: 3235
#145 of 152
10-07-2014 | Posts: 2,364
Joined: Feb 2008
We just had our baby girl last night. This pregnancy and delivery have really cemented for me that I never, ever want to do that again, even though I love my kids. I brought up fostering to adopt with dh again today, and he is still not really interested. But we are definitely not going to be making decisions about it any time soon.
deborahbgkelly's Avatar deborahbgkelly
03:22 PM Liked: 48
#146 of 152
10-07-2014 | Posts: 2,964
Joined: Feb 2011
Congratulations on your baby girl! My hubby was lukewarm for a while, but now he's getting very excited about bringing a baby home.
homeschoolingmama's Avatar homeschoolingmama
06:44 AM Liked: 64
#147 of 152
10-08-2014 | Posts: 947
Joined: Jun 2007
So we are officially approved now to adopt. We are waiting for our meeting with our adoption worker. We would like to adopt 2 siblings under the age of 5. There is a lot of waiting in this process! I will update when we get the call.
deborahbgkelly's Avatar deborahbgkelly
08:12 AM Liked: 48
#148 of 152
10-08-2014 | Posts: 2,964
Joined: Feb 2011
Congratulations, homeschooling mama!
deborahbgkelly's Avatar deborahbgkelly
11:27 PM Liked: 48
#149 of 152
10-13-2014 | Posts: 2,964
Joined: Feb 2011
Yay! I had a message on the phone from a caseworker at the adoption agency. Our next round of paperwork will be here by the end of the week!
PoorUglyHappy's Avatar PoorUglyHappy
11:14 AM Liked: 30
#150 of 152
Yesterday | Posts: 197
Joined: Aug 2011
I have been away for a while, raising two babies and working full time is no joke!

Deborahbgkelly, homeschoolingmama, any updates?

MountainMamaGC, I stalked and saw that you are expecting. Awesome news! I am curious about how the transition went/is going to the sibling's family.

As for us, we are trying to prepare ourselves for our FD leaving. We have court in a couple weeks and there the reunification plan should be outlined. It will probably start with some overnight visits for a few weeks and then the full move shortly after that. We knew from the beginning was going to happen but my heart didn't listen and we are sooooooooo attached. This is maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. We are now trying to decide whether to keep taking new placements. I don't know whether this will get easier, ever.

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