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Adoption/Foster/Starting Out Chit Chatty Thread Extravaganza 2014

14K views 153 replies 27 participants last post by  lauren 
#1 ·
Starting a new thread for a new year. Introduce yourself. Where are you at? How are things going? Need to vent a frustration or celebrate a jumping another hurdle? Have some experience to share with the newbies? This is THE thread.

I have been on the waiting list for a year this past November. We are doing a domestic newborn adoption through an agency. Our infertility issues lead us down this path, but its by no means a consolation prize. We want this, and this is a wonderful way to complete our family. We are lucky enough to have a biological 5 YO DD. Currently the agency is slow with the holidays and all, so not much happening right now. In 2013 we were looked at about 7 times.
 
#77 ·
So, I got some encouraging news today. When I originally called for the foster to adopt info session in my province I was told that we didn't have a large enough home to foster so they wouldn't invite us to the info session in May. I called back today and explained that we need the info session to decide whether this is right for our family (we have 2 bio kids to consider as well) and she signed us up, although we can't attend the second session yet to start the process. So at least in a few weeks we will know if this is something right for us and if my husband will be as excited as me about the possibility. If he is, and we don't think our daughter will be too disrupted, we can always move to a larger place
smile.gif
 
#80 ·
My question of the day: anybody have any suggestions for a thoughtful Mother's Day gift (I was thinking jewelry) for my son's other mother? She placed three children for adoption, is very Christian, loves inspirational Facebook stuff... basically the opposite of me, so I'm struggling here.
 
#81 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by homeschoolingmama View Post

How exciting!!! I hope to get to that point. We are on wk 6 of our PRIDE classes and we just met our homestudy worker. A tad nervous with her because she is so soft spoken and hard to read. Congratulations!!!
It seemed fairly straightforward. I loved our homestudy worker. She is a crystal clear communicator, friendly and encouraging. She was always very explicit about what they needed. That was awesome for me because I don't always pick up on nuances (thankfully Mr Viddy does pick up on that stuff). I would have a hard time with someone soft-spoken and hard to read. Maybe get everything in writing so it is more clear? I like email for that reason.
 
#82 ·
Hi, We are trying to adopt through foster care. We currently have two girls placed in our home. The case looks like it will go to reunification. I want the best for the girls and if reunification is best then I will be glad. However things are so ambivalent. Social workers never return calls. We are left in the dark about most everything and visitations and phone calls to parents are exhausting.

Can someone tell me if they gave gone through this if there was any indication that reunification will occur, how long are bio parents given, and what are somethings that they are asked to do so their children will be safe. In our case there was physical abuse as well as drug use..
 
#83 ·
I haven't been through it but we are also thinking of adopting from foster care, and from everything I have read it really varies from place to place. For instance through the program in my province, the parents have 6 months to comply with their plan and if they do not do it, generally the proceedings are started to free the child for adoption. But other provinces are different and I am certain the States would be too. I hope someone with experience of your location can help you more!
 
#84 ·
Foster care is a roller coaster, and things can take forever. Its hard to know what will happen for sure because every case is so different. If the bio parents are slowly working the plan, often times they will extend time limits to see if they pull through.

AFM: Everything is done now and we should be approved by the beginning of June for foster care.
 
#85 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parenting101 View Post

Hi, We are trying to adopt through foster care. We currently have two girls placed in our home. The case looks like it will go to reunification. I want the best for the girls and if reunification is best then I will be glad. However things are so ambivalent. Social workers never return calls. We are left in the dark about most everything and visitations and phone calls to parents are exhausting.

Can someone tell me if they gave gone through this if there was any indication that reunification will occur, how long are bio parents given, and what are somethings that they are asked to do so their children will be safe. In our case there was physical abuse as well as drug use..
There is just no way to tell. Foster care is very unpredictable anything can happen. I've heard stories of people going into court expecting termination and the judge up and decides out of the blue the children are being immediately returned (crazy i know), or cases where it looked good for reunification but ended up in adoption. The parents of a couple of my kids did "everything" they were "supposed" to do (in terms of showing up to visits, complying with drug testing, psych evals etc) but it wasnt enough...the judge simply felt that bio mom was not capable of ever parenting a child and felt bdad would allow the bmom access to the children. So she TPRd. For one of my foster girls, a toddler, she shouldnt have been taken away anyway (IMO) and it took her young mother forever to get her back, over a year, despite doing everything she was supposed to do. I was so happy for them when they were RU'd. I had another case where i was initially told i'd probably have them for a year, but just two months into the case they were returned. The whole thing seemed sort of pointless, in care just long enough to traumatize the children (by removing them from the only home they ever knew and from their loving parents) but not long enough to effect real change in the birth home by getting the family the services they needed.

If there is physical abuse and drug use they will probably want the parents to do random drug testing and parenting classes maybe get therapy as well. If they stay clean and comply with their classes and other requirements, if they have appropriate housing and show up to visits and are appropriate with the children during visits they will probably get them back. But you never know. I think most cases tend to last 1-2 years. Where i live they tend to take the 15 month rule pretty seriously and try to start TPR proceedings at the 12 month mark if the children havent been returned home (or have a concrete plan for returning home) at that point.
 
#86 ·
Does anyone have any advise regarding the timing of applying to be a foster / foster to adopt family? We recently attended an info meeting and found out that we CAN begin the process now, even though we were originally told we couldn't apply becasue we were not allowed to move our bio-kids into the same room to free a separate room for the newcomer. So we could apply as early as next Wednesday, but my self emplyed DH is hesitating becasue he wants to have a more stable income before applying. My income is very stable so I am not sure if this should be a concern?
Also, if we apply and start the process, then move house, do we have to start the homestudy part all over again or do they just sort of drop by the new place and tick boxes for complying to space requirements?
I am really torn now because I was pretty shattered to learn we had to wait a year before even starting the process, then very excited to learn that in fact we could go ahead right away, but now I am used to the idea of having a year to prepare (and let DH really sort through all his motiviations for this) and I am not sure how to proceed....I don't want to have too large a gap in ages between bio and foster or adopted kids, because I would like them to really function as a sibling unit - play together, have common age-related stuff going on, band together against the parents to beg for shared tgaming systems ...
wink1.gif


thanks!
 
#88 ·
We recently attended an info meeting and found out that we CAN begin the process now, even though we were originally told we couldn't apply because we were not allowed to move our bio-kids into the same room to free a separate room for the newcomer.

You are oversharing with social workers! When dealing with the foster-adoption approval process, follow these steps: 1) Find out what the policy is. 2) Adapt your home/life/rhetoric to comply with the policy. 3) Act as though your home/life/rhetoric has always been compliant with the policy.

If you are planning a move immediately and your DH is worried about income stability, it might make sense to wait a bit. It might also make sense to get licensed as a foster family now, and move on to adoption once you are placed with a child who needs to be adopted, and whom you want to adopt.
 
#90 ·
In Canada the PRIDE classes generally take 9 weeks. Or 27 hrs. Once in a while they do them on the weekends for 2 whole weekends instead of breaking it up by week.

The homestudy depends on your family and your worker. For us I had about an hour with our worker and my husband will have an hr next wk. Then we each need about another hour with her. She usually does one for each of us once a month. Then she will meet with us together. Then she has to interview our children which takes about an hr.

It all depends on who you are and what you have been through. She said it could take 6 visits all together or 10 depending on your background. Then you have to wait for paperwork and them to approve you. Then you wait for a child. So classes about 2 months, homestudy about 5 months for us and then waiting. It could take anywhere from 8 months (for us) to 1 yr. Hopefully not longer!
 
#92 ·
So we've been approved as foster parents for over a month. We've turned down several respite requests and placements because they have been way more than we are willing to start with (two very special needs toddlers, teenagers, etc.), but hopefully we will get a call for just one child soon. We were told that young children usually come in sibling sets... We're planning to do respite for a single child 5 and younger but it's obvious that we'll have to expand the idea of what we're willing to take on, if we do indeed want to be foster parents.
 
#99 · (Edited)
Dawwww... That is FANTASTIC! Congratulations! Wishing all the best for you and all the people involved in this babe's life...

Thanks Polliwog :thumb

So literally hours after I wrote that whole paragraph I got a call for a school aged child, with a clearly defined amount of time they will be in respite, and nearby daycare already arranged. This child is way older than we originally intended to take on, but it seems that they are a gentle child who would really thrive in a quiet house. The child is described as being gentle and sweet by the social worker, the document we got, and the current foster mom. So the child should be a good fit here, even though they are older. We set everything up for babies and younger children so we worked all day yesterday to get things arranged and still have to lock up medicines and vitamins etc.

Hope you all are well!
 
#101 ·
In our training they always talked about how important it is for you to bond, even though you know (or aren't sure if) they will be with you forever... Like, you just have to open yourself to repeated heartbreak in order to let the kids get a healthy idea of attachment...

I just got immediately attached, like the night they dropped off our kid... I knew intellectually that it will be hard to let go, but oh my goodness. Just being a single kid in a house with two parents the kid is already doing much better at some of the big issues. These are just things that need attention and reminders from adults. Plus this kid is just really sweet, just like the SW and FM said. I already know it will be REALLY hard to let go.
 
#102 ·
I am struggling. He is taken care of wonderfully, but I am struggling with the whole concept of foster care. I will see this through, but because he is so small, and so consuming, this is a really mentally hard first placement for me. I feel sad 90% of the time and I am very sleep deprived.
 
#104 ·
:Hug Thinking of you from afar. That is so hard.
We let go last night. There was a lot of crying from both the child and me, and DH and I felt a terrible vacuum when he left. And that was after a week and we knew he was going back to a safe and happy home at the end of the week. This is f'ing intense. How do you guys do it?
 
#106 ·
TeamViddy wrote:

We let go last night. There was a lot of crying from both the child and me, and DH and I felt a terrible vacuum when he left. And that was after a week and we knew he was going back to a safe and happy home at the end of the week. This is f'ing intense. How do you guys do it?

The same way you're doing it, sweetie. Welcome to Team Foster Mama.

:namaste

Incidentally, if your kiddo was thriving as an only in your home, is there a possibility that you might ask to have him placed with you for the duration of his time in care? Or is that not feasible for some reason?
 
#108 ·
MountainMama, how are you feeling? :blowkiss

Incidentally, if your kiddo was thriving as an only in your home, is there a possibility that you might ask to have him placed with you for the duration of his time in care? Or is that not feasible for some reason?
Thanks for the well wishes... He as asked us to adopt him twice, once last night when we saw him during a training and once while he was in our care for the week... The first time my heart was broken into a million pieces and the second time I realized we will see him many times during trainings, etc., and we really need to figure out how to respond so he feels valued and wanted. We aren't planning on adopting at this time, although if just about any infant with a high probability of TPR came around, we would consider. I hate to think about what that really means as far as how much we value a school-age kid vs. infant, or how we talk to a school aged kid about the fact that we are not open to adoption in this situation. Heck, in this situation, I have no idea if we even can adopt him, because I didn't get a lot of information about his bio family.

I think there's a possibility of placing him in our home- it would mean splitting up siblings but they would still get a chance to see each other frequently (if we stuck w the same daycare, which is convenient, they could see each other every day). His current FM thinks both would do better alone but the siblings do really need each other... DH is very against having a longer placement at this time and wants to just do shorter term respite. DH was investing a TON of time and emotional energy into caring for this kid. He couldn't see himself putting that much effort into caring for him all the time. But I think that with a lot of attention to his two biggest problems, which would be solved by just living a healthier life than he is now, he could become more independent quickly.
 
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