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#1 of 6 Old 05-16-2014, 02:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband & I recently found out that our babysitter is having problems at home. She, at 21 years old is fighting to get her siblings away from their abusive mother. I don't want to go into much detail, but there are two older teenagers and one six-year-old girl. There's a giant question mark floating around as where the little one will end up. My husband & I have a wonderful 15 mo old daughter, and I'm currently pregnant. Yet we still want to give this girl a home! She's come along with her sister, before, and played with our daughter. I don't know, are we crazy? Would it even be possible to try? I can't stop thinking about her. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
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#2 of 6 Old 05-16-2014, 07:38 PM
 
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Don't do it! My sister went against the standard advice of not adopting out of birth order, meaning, don't adopt a child that is older than the rest of your children as it messes up the family dynamics. Oh my, did she live to regret it! Plus, if you're adopting a child from an abusive environment, they're going to need lots and lots of special care. This will be hard to give with a newborn and toddler. None of the children will be getting what they need.
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#3 of 6 Old 05-21-2014, 11:24 AM
 
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I adopted out of birth order, and it turned out wonderfully. Everybody is getting what they need. The pathologizing of older-child adoption is a really outdated attitude. 

 

THAT SAID, with a 15-month-old and a baby on the way, this is not the time to get involved with the kind of pain and drama that will go along with breaking up this family. Honestly, OP, I think you should find a new babysitter. You don't want to touch this situation with a ten-foot pole. If your own kids were older, I'd be giving you very different advice. But a newborn and a two-year are quite enough stress on their own without diving in life as a foster family right now!

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#4 of 6 Old 05-21-2014, 05:56 PM
 
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I understand. When we're pregnant or nursing we sometimes feel the need to take everyone under our protective wing. The best thing you can do for this family is to be a friend. Be an "auntie" figure who the 21 year old can confide in and come to for advice. Be loving but set boundaries. You already have a great deal on your plate right now with a toddler and a baby on the way. 

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#5 of 6 Old 05-24-2014, 01:36 PM
 
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This sounds like a complicated situation. Is DHS/CPS involved? Is the little girl at risk of going into foster care? If so, you would likely need to become a licensed foster parent in order to provide care for her and have her able to legally live with you. It sounds like the mother of this child is not looking to willingly place her with you. The older children are different, they have a little more say about where they live. If you want to be a resource for this child you can always tell the sister that if little sister is pulled into care she can give your info to DHS for possible consideration as a home. But be forewarned that the primary goal of DHS is reunification so you would likely be looking at least a year or more of family visits with the mother/siblings (not to mention all the training, home inspections, etc you would need to do)...possibly driving to DHS office for visitation weekly (or more often) and lots of other things that will take time away from your current family. It will likely be much much harder than you ever imagined (just in terms of dealing with the agency, with the birthfamily, etc etc)....im not saying dont do it, just saying it can be a hard road to travel. 

 

Is there a reason why the oldest sister cant also care for the younger one in addition to the other siblings? 


Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
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#6 of 6 Old 06-24-2014, 08:14 AM
 
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Hows it going Kaitzilla? Any update?

Mom through birth and foster care adoption to DS 9, DD 6, and DD 7 mos 
Check out my blog: No Bohns About It
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