How to answer the question - How many kids do you have? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 2Likes
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 10 Old 06-14-2014, 07:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
pattimomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Dirty South
Posts: 1,185
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
How to answer the question - How many kids do you have?

I'm a birth mom and people often ask how many kids I have. Usually I just reply with the number I am raising. But I feel like this dishonors the child I placed. At the same time I'm not comfortable including her because it feels dishonorable to her adoptive family. It was an open adoption that the adoptive parents chose to close. I am asking adoptive mothers how they would prefer the birth mom to answer this question. Thanks!
pattimomma is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 10 Old 06-14-2014, 08:16 PM
 
lauren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In a state of grace
Posts: 6,789
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 18 Post(s)
I think it probably depends on your relationship with the person asking. If it is a stranger you probably wouldn't want to get into your history of birthing with them. If it is a close friend it certainly makes sense to be honest about it. Not sure, I'm certain others will be along to voice an opinion.

 
lauren is online now  
#3 of 10 Old 06-16-2014, 11:47 AM
 
superbeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 571
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I think whatever the birth mom feels comfortable with. I'm pretty sure our kids birth mom counts them. And that feels just fine to me. Our adoption was from foster care so the children were parented by her for awhile. I think most adoptive moms would want the birth mom to say whatever felt right to her, not to worry about us. Do what feels right in your heart. It isn't dishonorable to the adoptive family in the least.

Mom through birth and foster care adoption to DS 9, DD 6, and DD 7 mos 
Check out my blog: No Bohns About It
superbeans is offline  
#4 of 10 Old 06-17-2014, 07:08 AM
 
Polliwog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,006
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by superbeans View Post
I think whatever the birth mom feels comfortable with. I'm pretty sure our kids birth mom counts them. And that feels just fine to me. Our adoption was from foster care so the children were parented by her for awhile. I think most adoptive moms would want the birth mom to say whatever felt right to her, not to worry about us. Do what feels right in your heart. It isn't dishonorable to the adoptive family in the least.
I completely agree.
Polliwog is online now  
#5 of 10 Old 06-17-2014, 09:57 PM
 
marsupial-mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 807
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
I don't care how my son's birthmom answers that question. It's up to her and I don't feel like her claiming him as her son takes anything away from me and my relationship with him. My son has two moms and he knows that and is ok with it. And the other way, I don't feel like she's ignoring him or hiding him if she chooses to answer in a way that doesn't count him. It's totally up to her and it's a personal question about her life and experiences. She should answer it however she feels right answering.
marsupial-mom is offline  
#6 of 10 Old 06-18-2014, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
pattimomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Dirty South
Posts: 1,185
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Ladies, Thanks for taking the time to answer!

~Patti~ rainbow1284.gifMomma to three girls and three boys chicken3.gif, First mother to one girl triadadopt.jpg

Certified, card carrying member of the IEP Binder Clubkid.gif  

pattimomma is offline  
#7 of 10 Old 06-23-2014, 11:20 AM
 
swd12422's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,111
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
I agree with PPs. However you feel like answering is the answer and it wouldn't bother me, especially if it's a closed adoption..... How would the adoptive family know that you're counting the child as one of yours if they cut off contact?

The only thing I think would change that is if you answer that you have one more than you are raising and it's someone you see regularly, there might be questions about your "other" child that might lead to you explaining why s/he doesn't live with you. Are you comfortable with that?
swd12422 is online now  
#8 of 10 Old 08-12-2014, 10:11 PM
 
mamarhu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: dining at the restaurant at the end of the universe
Posts: 3,067
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 14 Post(s)
My answer to that question varies, based on the context. I have 3 bio kids, only 2 still at home. But I had several foster kids, 4 I almost adopted. And 2 grandchildren I had custody of, and it looked like I might end up raising them. So while I only have 3 kids, I have had up to 6 kids in my family at times; many kids in photos on my wall. It all depends on which story I am telling; what will make sense in context.

ETA: I would rarely say it, but in my heart I have 8 more - 7 miscarriages and one stillborn. For me, an honest answer could be anywhere between 2and 20!
mamarhu is offline  
#9 of 10 Old 11-21-2014, 06:49 PM
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
As a adoptive mom, I hope my DS's birth mom still feels she can claim him as hers. She was, is, and always will be his mom. And I have been, am, and always will be his mom, too. So if she's talking to someone and wants to say she has five kids, I would be delighted that she wants to acknowledge him in that particular conversation.

On the other hand, sometimes you don't want someone to get all up into your business, for a variety of reasons. If she felt privacy was warranted in a particular situation or with a particular person, I could respect that.
thebeautifulopportunity is offline  
#10 of 10 Old Today, 08:10 PM
 
heatherdeg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Everywhere... thanks, technology!
Posts: 4,835
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by marsupial-mom View Post
I don't care how my son's birthmom answers that question. It's up to her and I don't feel like her claiming him as her son takes anything away from me and my relationship with him. My son has two moms and he knows that and is ok with it. And the other way, I don't feel like she's ignoring him or hiding him if she chooses to answer in a way that doesn't count him. It's totally up to her and it's a personal question about her life and experiences. She should answer it however she feels right answering.
I mean, my daughter's birth mom gave her up at birth (not under threat of having her taken--just as a safe haven case through the state). I don't know if she would or would not count my adoptive daughter in and among her answer, but that's her business and agreed--totally takes nothing away from me or my relationship with our daughter.

I also feel like her NOT including my daughter in her count doesn't take away from any love she might feel for my daughter, either. I don't know how she feels about her, but I wouldn't think any less of my daughter being excluded.

These are hard feelings to navigate and frankly, I'm not sure how comfortable I would feel telling a stranger something that you don't know how they will respond to. I also wouldn't feel lied to or deceived if someone initially told me that they have 2 children (when we meet) and then later--after knowing me better--told me they had a third (maybe fourth and fifth) that they gave up.

But it's not my business how my daughter's birthmother responds. It's her history. My life and my feelings about it don't eliminate the reality of her history. Even if I cared, it shouldn't matter to the birth mom. Nobody can deny you your experiences.
heatherdeg is online now  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off