How to answer the question - How many kids do you have? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 06-14-2014, 06:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How to answer the question - How many kids do you have?

I'm a birth mom and people often ask how many kids I have. Usually I just reply with the number I am raising. But I feel like this dishonors the child I placed. At the same time I'm not comfortable including her because it feels dishonorable to her adoptive family. It was an open adoption that the adoptive parents chose to close. I am asking adoptive mothers how they would prefer the birth mom to answer this question. Thanks!
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#2 of 8 Old 06-14-2014, 07:16 PM
 
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I think it probably depends on your relationship with the person asking. If it is a stranger you probably wouldn't want to get into your history of birthing with them. If it is a close friend it certainly makes sense to be honest about it. Not sure, I'm certain others will be along to voice an opinion.
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#3 of 8 Old 06-16-2014, 10:47 AM
 
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I think whatever the birth mom feels comfortable with. I'm pretty sure our kids birth mom counts them. And that feels just fine to me. Our adoption was from foster care so the children were parented by her for awhile. I think most adoptive moms would want the birth mom to say whatever felt right to her, not to worry about us. Do what feels right in your heart. It isn't dishonorable to the adoptive family in the least.

Mom through birth and foster care adoption to DS 9, DD 6, and DD 7 mos 
Check out my blog: No Bohns About It
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#4 of 8 Old 06-17-2014, 06:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by superbeans View Post
I think whatever the birth mom feels comfortable with. I'm pretty sure our kids birth mom counts them. And that feels just fine to me. Our adoption was from foster care so the children were parented by her for awhile. I think most adoptive moms would want the birth mom to say whatever felt right to her, not to worry about us. Do what feels right in your heart. It isn't dishonorable to the adoptive family in the least.
I completely agree.
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#5 of 8 Old 06-17-2014, 08:57 PM
 
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I don't care how my son's birthmom answers that question. It's up to her and I don't feel like her claiming him as her son takes anything away from me and my relationship with him. My son has two moms and he knows that and is ok with it. And the other way, I don't feel like she's ignoring him or hiding him if she chooses to answer in a way that doesn't count him. It's totally up to her and it's a personal question about her life and experiences. She should answer it however she feels right answering.
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#6 of 8 Old 06-18-2014, 01:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ladies, Thanks for taking the time to answer!

~Patti~ rainbow1284.gifMomma to three girls and three boys chicken3.gif, First mother to one girl triadadopt.jpg

Certified, card carrying member of the IEP Binder Clubkid.gif  

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#7 of 8 Old 06-23-2014, 10:20 AM
 
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I agree with PPs. However you feel like answering is the answer and it wouldn't bother me, especially if it's a closed adoption..... How would the adoptive family know that you're counting the child as one of yours if they cut off contact?

The only thing I think would change that is if you answer that you have one more than you are raising and it's someone you see regularly, there might be questions about your "other" child that might lead to you explaining why s/he doesn't live with you. Are you comfortable with that?
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#8 of 8 Old 08-12-2014, 09:11 PM
 
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My answer to that question varies, based on the context. I have 3 bio kids, only 2 still at home. But I had several foster kids, 4 I almost adopted. And 2 grandchildren I had custody of, and it looked like I might end up raising them. So while I only have 3 kids, I have had up to 6 kids in my family at times; many kids in photos on my wall. It all depends on which story I am telling; what will make sense in context.

ETA: I would rarely say it, but in my heart I have 8 more - 7 miscarriages and one stillborn. For me, an honest answer could be anywhere between 2and 20!
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