When bio family no longer wants contact, but adoptive DD does - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 09-14-2014, 06:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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When bio family no longer wants contact, but adoptive DD does

My 5yr old DD knows all about her adoption and about how we became a family. We adopted domestically and have an open adoption. Over the years, our contact with DD's birth mom has decreased and, at this point, we have not heard from her in about a year. DD's birth mom has a son older than DD and DD knows about him. She's very proud of having a brother and likes to talk about him. Lately, she's been asking if she could call him or visit him (he lives on the opposite coast). We tried to reach out to DD's birth mom recently, but she did not respond (we also reached out a few months ago, with the same result). I don't want to pressure her if she is no longer interested in keeping in touch. However, I don't know how to explain to DD why her birth mom does not want to have contact with her and why she can't talk to her bio brother.

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#2 of 4 Old 09-21-2014, 12:28 PM
 
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How would you handle it if they were blood relatives? What if your child had a cousin she really liked and wanted to see but your sister didn't respond to requests for a visit?
Handle it the same way. Just say, "We're trying to arrange a visit but right now we can't get ahold of them to make plans. Sorry, Pumpkin."

My opinion:
Continue to reach out every three months or so and try various methods (email, phone, snail mail). If bio mom really wants nothing to do with your family anymore then she can tell you that. Otherwise, don't stop reaching out.

We have a visitation agreement and it takes a bit of effort to arrange visitations. Usually there's no response the first time we text/call so we have to keep trying. It's annoying but ultimately it's probably worth it. Depends how safe it is. I had some weird visitations with my dad growing up and I think I could have been better off if my mom just ignored him and kept him out of our lives. But that's because the visits weren't supervised by her. She'd just let him take us and do random weird things like road trips without proper supplies. Anyway, TMI, just do what feels right.
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Members of our DS' bio family have stopped contact. We still let him draw pictures or write letters and send them to the address we have. He can also pray for them. And we talk about them from time to time. We sometimes write, too, and periodically call. We think it's really important to leave the door open, in case they change their mind. And to acknowledge that birth family will be on our DS' mind and in our mind.

When DS asks, we tell the truth, which is that we don't know why contact isn't happening and that we know that they love him, even if contact doesn't occur now.
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#4 of 4 Unread Today, 06:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thebeautifulopportunity View Post
Members of our DS' bio family have stopped contact. We still let him draw pictures or write letters and send them to the address we have. He can also pray for them. And we talk about them from time to time. We sometimes write, too, and periodically call. We think it's really important to leave the door open, in case they change their mind. And to acknowledge that birth family will be on our DS' mind and in our mind.

When DS asks, we tell the truth, which is that we don't know why contact isn't happening and that we know that they love him, even if contact doesn't occur now.
That's very helpful. Thank you.

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