Does anyone think that separation from Birth Mom can have long lasting effect? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 32 Old 09-02-2004, 10:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am an adoptive mother to 2 wonderful kids. My son is 11 yrs. and we have stayed in touch with his Birth mother and have visits a couple of times a year. My daughter is 8 yrs. She would love to be able to know who her birth Mom is but she was abandoned at birth, so I have very little to be able to go on. I know that there is a strong bond between the mother and child during pregnancy. I saw it so vividly when my son was an infant and we would go for visits. He would react so differently to her than to anyone else, to a point where I have to admit I was a bit jealous. My daughter on the other hand was abruptly separated from her birth mother when she was 2 days old. I can't help but feel that this experience has left her with a longing to fill that missing piece of her life. No matter how much time I spend with her or how much I give her, it never seems to be enough. She is always needing more. Has anyone else seen this in their adopted children? Am I placing too much emphasis on this separation at birth? Is this just a part of my daughter's personality that would have been there even if she weren't separated? I would love to hear what you think and if you have any ideas how I might help her. At times I think she just acts like a spoiled brat but my heart tells me that there's more to it.
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#2 of 32 Old 09-02-2004, 10:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lilskid
Does anyone think that separation from Birth Mom can have long lasting effect?
Absolutely. And there is loads of adoption literature to back this up.

Wilma
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#3 of 32 Old 09-02-2004, 10:40 PM
 
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I don't know. It could be that she's jealous that her brother knows his birth mom, but she doesn't. My dad and his sister were each adopted at birth, or close to birth (no more than 6 mos, I don't remember exactly), they are not biological siblings, but neither of them have made any attempt to contact their birth parents.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#4 of 32 Old 09-02-2004, 10:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BunnysMomma
Absolutely. And there is loads of adoption literature to back this up.
References please!

Interesting question...can't wait to read the articles!

W/o that info available...our agency had a panel of afamilies. One included a boy and a girl. The general consensus from the counselor's info and panel, girls tend to be generally more curious about their bfamily. Boy's generally are not.

Have you considered seeing an adoption counselor w/your dd? Not that there is anything wrong w/your dd for having such feelings...perfectly normal if you ask me. But, the counselor would give you/and your dd more tools to work this out in a healthy manner.
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#5 of 32 Old 09-04-2004, 01:08 AM
 
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THere's a book called The Primal Wound about this subject.

No one can really say for sure what causes some kids to long for their birthfamily and some to be unconcerned. You can't really predict which kids will care as they get older.
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#6 of 32 Old 09-04-2004, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate knowing that my gut feelings may be very valid. Thanks for the book recommendation too. I will check that out. We have considered looking for a counselor. I will have to start exploring who may be available and knowledgable in this area. Thanks Again!
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#7 of 32 Old 09-04-2004, 05:59 PM
 
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The Primal Wound is pretty controversial. I would include it in my reading, but realize that it is one person's theory.

I've read a lot of research about adoption outcomes. It seems to me from my reading that adopted children are not a monolithic block. There is a spectrum of response to adoption. Some are deeply affected by the fact of their adoptions. Some are hardly affected at all. Many fall into the middle ground, where adoption is an issue they deal with, but it is far from defining. It is possible that your child falls into the first category, and seeing a therapist who has significant experience with adopted children is an excellent step to take.
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#8 of 32 Old 09-08-2004, 08:54 AM
 
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hi. my 4 year old adopted daughter seems to have a similar response to her early seperation (though not that early, 7 weeks) i have read the book suggested, i think the author overstates her case, and doesn't leave much room for responding to a child who is feeling abandoned, etc. what i just found that has me excited (and i am ready to try) is something called SleepTalk. it was on the web site for Mothering magazine. It fits with my basic beliefs about various ways we communicate with each other, especially those with whom we are so very close.
i will be trying it. if you read about sleeptalk and try it, please let me know your results and if you like, i will do the same.
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#9 of 32 Old 09-09-2004, 12:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Do you have a link for the information about Sleeptalk? I am curious to see what it is. Thanks!
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#10 of 32 Old 09-09-2004, 12:39 AM
 
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hi i hope this link works:http://www.theglobalvoice.com/parenting.htm
if not, you could do a google search using the words-SleepTalk children.
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#11 of 32 Old 09-09-2004, 11:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks!!
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#12 of 32 Old 09-27-2004, 08:43 AM
 
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I don't know if this perspective will be helpful, but I'll offer it just in case. I gave birth to my daughter at home, wore her in a sling, we had a family bed, I nursed her until she was 4 and now we homeschool. She has an enormous need for mama, more than my other children and feels every little separation keenly. I think it is just her personality. She attaches intensely to people she loves, especially me. Perhaps if she had been adopted she would have felt the separation more keenly than others.
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#13 of 32 Old 09-27-2004, 04:01 PM
 
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Hello,
I was adopted at 6 months old, and separated from my mother at 3 days old, and I can tell you for sure, that the separation had major effects on me growing up and into adulthood.

There are alot of books that can help you understand this better that I have read.

Primal Wound by nancy verrier
Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton
20 things adopted children wish their parents knew ( can't remember the author )
Adoption Healing : a path to recovery by Joe Soll

Hope this helps.

Kali
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#14 of 32 Old 10-03-2004, 11:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shantimama
I don't know if this perspective will be helpful, but I'll offer it just in case. I gave birth to my daughter at home, wore her in a sling, we had a family bed, I nursed her until she was 4 and now we homeschool. She has an enormous need for mama, more than my other children and feels every little separation keenly. I think it is just her personality. She attaches intensely to people she loves, especially me. Perhaps if she had been adopted she would have felt the separation more keenly than others.
Interesting thoughts. There is now the beleif (from research???) that it is good for foster care children to deeply bond w/their fparents. The outcome being that since they have "learned" about healthy attachment it is much easier for them to attach to their aparents...or any other care taker.

Soooo, does that mean that having felt the separation would have meant a deterimental results??? Refering to the foster care situation, doesn't seem to be the case.
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#15 of 32 Old 10-04-2004, 08:54 PM
 
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hi i just wanted to add my own thoughts about seperation and abandonment issues that many many people have, adopted or not...i think abandonment feelings and feelings of loss are natural to the developmental process, that we all experience a deep abandonment of our own essence, a true aspect of our being that has spacious, timeless features (and more) because they are generally not mirrored or seen in us by our caretakers so they are not fully owned by us....and we grieve this loss even as we or if we reconnect to these essential aspects of ourselves....it is a spiritual belonging of sorts that is at the bottom of these issues. reconnecting with this part of ourselves, rather than a particular person seems to be a way to heal or experience wholeness. so i think healing or wholeness is possible, and that some children are more sensitive to this "abandonment", that mama most likely is the person who reflects love and acceptance and allows the baby to safely relax into his or her spacious and timeless aspects and to hopefully stay connected to these parts and intergrate them as a natural part of themselves but to the degree this happens or not makes the process more difficult but does not effect the reality that the whole intergrated essence is still and always a part of each person.
my writing is reflecting my tiredness, but i am too tired to rewrite it now!
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#16 of 32 Old 10-05-2004, 05:17 PM
 
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I am an adopted Mom of a two year old. My husband and I were at the birth and she was passed to us in the delivery room. I took care of her in the hospital like the birth mother would have. The birth Mom was only 14 yrs old. We have kept in touch with the birth Mom and her family and see them about five times a year. When we visit the birth family Tessa most times will not even go to her birth Mom, and does not treat her any different then any of our friends. I was prepared to see some connection, and was surprised by this lack of interest from the beginning. We have always spoken openly to Tessa about the adoption and how we became a family. Now your children are older, and we are just beginning, and are expecting the 'you are not my mother' problems when Tessa becomes older. I have also heard that adoption is harder on girls then boys. But do not question your mothering skills. I am sure that you are doing all you can. I do believe that this may just be her personality, and if you keep up the open communication with her you can help each other through this. I do believe that you are placing too much emphasis on this separation at birth, but you know your daughter better then anyone, and if your heart is telling you that there is more too it then focus on it now before puberty puts its own monkey wrentch into the whole mix.
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#17 of 32 Old 10-05-2004, 07:56 PM
 
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After watching the experience of an adopted niece,I have come to believe that it can be hard but I think,as in other potentiallytraumatic situations,the way that it is handled means everything.My niece was not told she was adopted at a young age as a natural part of her life & to complicate matters,her mom became pregnant with her younger brother & gave birth to him about 7 months after they adopted her.So,she was 5 yrs old when they finally told her & they made a big deal about it - took her away to a resort for the weekend etc. Growing up she acted out quite a bit & then as a teenager refused to let her adoptive parents send her to a nice college(they were very well off) or buy her a new car etc.Instead she bought an old junker type off her grandad.The other thing that I think was a big negative thing was that nobody ever acknowledged that it would be a normal thing to desire to look for/see her birthmother one day & certainly nobody ever offered to help her do that & in fact some family members made it very clear to her that it would be a very terrible thing if she ever did.... I dont say this to discourage you in your own situation but being an AP mom,I know that when kids act out it is always prudent to get to the root of the problem(or whats really bothering them) and have them vocalise what they are feeling and have someone to validate those feelings.Even tho she is still quite young,there may be a way to have a conversation about it & certainly as she gets older it will be important to support her in that way & also to validate any feelings she has about possibly trying to contact her birthmother or parents sometime.She may decide not to try but just knowing ahe has the option or it is ok to feel like that& she has your support would be very healing.I am a very supportive of adoption but just as each biological child comes with uniquely different needs,so the adoptive children do too.I give you a big for being such a sensitive mom & I know you & your dd will do very well because of it.Prayers for you,Catherine
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#18 of 32 Old 10-05-2004, 11:38 PM
 
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As someone who was adopted, I have to say that yes, it can cause huge issues. Obviously not for everyone, but I think that some babies are born more sensitive and that it can cause huge problems for them. I know it did, and still does cause problems for me. I was adopted at 6 weeks. I have no idea where I was from the time of birth until then, though it was probably the hospital since I weighed less than 4lbs at birth. To this day, I have huge fears of being rejected, of being abandoned. Especially by my adoptive parents. I haven't gotten over my adad's death 5 1/2 years ago because I feel like he abandoned me. I don't have a mature relationship with my amother because I'm afraid to say anything to her that might cause her to be angry with me. It's obviously been a theme for my whole life with them, from the "funny" stories my amom tells about my reaction to her being angry with me when I was little.

Hopefully being raised AP will help your dd not have these issues as badly as I do, since I was raised with CIO, spanking and yelling.

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#19 of 32 Old 10-10-2004, 09:15 PM
 
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I think that it depends on the person. I have different stories that would agree we all are different and handle things our own way.

I can say that I am an adoptee (asian) with caucasian parents. I went through a tough time in my teen years, but my parents were always up front with my adoption and supported me from when I was adopted (5 mos old) to now. They are my real parents. They are the ones that comforted me, loved me, cared for me and protected me. All I can say is continue being there for her and supporting her. Also educate her (if she's ready), that it can be okay not to know who your birth mother is. If she thinks that it's not a normal thing to know then it might cause some emotional issues. I may do a search later for medical reasons, but it's not a missing piece for me. I am complete without knowing. I have a family that loves and supports me, a DH, a DD and a DSS.

My mother was adopted with her two non-bio brothers. She had a different experience, and we sometimes disagree. She wants to have nothing to do with her birth mother and has found information that could let her contact, but she won't. And I pray that she finds peace with everything because I feel sometimes that she lets this pain affect her in many ways.

My DSS doesn't see his birth mother very much and she doesn't contact him very much. He has issues deeper than I think he lets on (we've looked into therapy). All I can do is be the best mom I can be. I support and validate his feelings and thoughts he has about her. But I also remind him that I'm always there for him, day in and day out with unconditional love. I am there to hear his crazy stories, kiss his boo-boo's, play games, read books, teach him how to ride his bike etc... I don't know how things with be in years to come (he's only 5 right now), and it's something that we will deal with as a family. We will support and love him no matter what.
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#20 of 32 Old 10-17-2004, 07:39 PM
 
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i'm adopted and i usually forget until it comes up in a conversation, or on a medical history form. i never "knew" my birth parents. i was placed in a place called The Cradle in evanston, IL at birth and was adopted at about a month old. my mom and i fought a lot in my teen years and i know that i don't live up to her expectations of what her daughter should be, but i always felt close to her. my brother is also adopted and he is a mess. he is always in trouble, and we were raised in the same house, 2 yrs apart. he has NO relationship with either of my parents or anyone else in my family. he is the total blacksheep.

i have never had trouble getting close to people, as long as they don't judge me. but my mom swears up one side and down the other that the reason i don't agree with her on many issues is because we never "bonded" when i was infant. i happen to know it's because she is just opionated to no end and i can't stand it. she has WAY more anger towards me, than i will ever have towards her.

So, i don't know if your dd's actions are due to her being removed from her birthmom, or just her age, or the fact that she is the second child. i guess as she gets older and is able to articulate more she'll be able to tell you
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#21 of 32 Old 10-17-2004, 08:50 PM
 
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Danaalex, I am so sorry to hear you say your mother insists that you didn't "bond" when you were an infant. Ugh. That has got to be really, really hard to hear.

Part of why I'm sensitive this is that my mom makes the same claim about my sister -- but both of us are her biological children. My sister was born very ill and had to be hospitalized for a few weeks. My parents lived about an hour and a half from the hospital, so my mom had virtually no contact with my sister all that time.

My mother claims that she and my sister have never been "close" because my sister "bonded" with the nurses instead of her. And, as her story goes, that's why my sister cried for a year, and why my mother could not console her. I am skeptical in the extreme. Maybe the crying was my sister "pining" for the nurses in the hospital (doubt it!!), maybe she had troubles with the formula, maybe she had a problem with my mom virtually ignoring her, who knows? But it grieves me to think that my mother's decision that it was "too late" for her to bond was a self-fullfilling prophesy, you know?

I've learned recently that it was something of a mini trend in the sixties for people to think about infant-parent bonding in this very narrow way, and it may have stemmed from some contemporary research into how certain birds "imprint" on the first creature they see. That creature, bird or not, becomes the mother. End of subject. But humans aren't birds! Attachment is much more complex in humans, and has much more to do with an infant getting his/her needs met consistently. It can happen well after birth, as most of the adoptive parents in this forum know!

Okay, rant over.
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#22 of 32 Old 10-18-2004, 11:38 AM
 
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thanks. the "not bonding" idea that she has doesn't really get to me. my mom is an over reactor LOL. she thinks that if you don't agree with her you are against her. SHE has a lot of issues, that are all hers, all her own. most of the rest of the family doesn't agree with her. except her mom, my grandmother ALWAYS sides with my mom and has the same judgemental, over reactive emotions, and issues. they are both a little crazy.

what has really hurt has been just how mean my mom can be towards me because we don't do things the same or see things eye to eye. in that respect, it might be easier to be with someone that more similar to yourself, but there is no guarantee that a birth child will be just like the birth parents either. my mom can get down right vicious.

my family and i drove from FL to MD in june of this summer to visit her and basically when we got there she said she wished we weren't there and that she'd rather us go home and come back at the end of aug. then she spent about 2 hrs screaming at me that i'm not like all of her friends daughters and if i were any other kind of daughter she wouldn't mind us being there. so, we left the next day. i called her on my DD#1s birthday in aug. to thank her for the gifts, and that is it. she has called a couple of times, but i don't really have anything to say to her. it's that kind of stuff that hurts way more than her telling me we never bonded.
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#23 of 32 Old 10-18-2004, 06:06 PM
 
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Wow Danaalex! I think your mom and my mom should get together... My mother can be a little extreme in what she says at times too. I love her, but there are times that it hurts and we don't talk for awhile. I'm sorry that you have to go through that. It can be tough!
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#24 of 32 Old 11-09-2004, 08:37 AM
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Hi everyone, I'm an aussie nubie but I've been reading for a little while now.
I'm 30 and was adopted after 4wks in hospital. I don't know my birth mother but I know that she was 15. My adoptive parents are wonderful.
I am so very grateful that my birthmother and her parents made that awful decision 30 years ago to adopt me out. I recognise that this decision would have been the hardest ever. Being a mum myself I can not imagine how to deal with a lifetime of not ever knowing about the daughter you only held for a minute (if at all).
I also could have been one of the thousands of abortions that occur every year.
I am in no way damaged by my adoptive heritage. In highschool it was an interesting part of me that not many others had. I thought I was a little more unusual and special.
My adoptive parents told me from day one that I was their wonderful gift. They were open and honest about where I was from and celebrated my 'adoption day' every year. I have a natural born brother and there was never any comparison between he and I.
I love my adoptive parents and thank God every day for them and their little ways. I could have been 'damaged' much much more by remaining in my birth family.
I don't think being adopted is the deciding factor in whether or not a person grows up with social and other issues. It is much more complex. To blame it on adoption is like stereotyping.
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#25 of 32 Old 11-19-2004, 03:36 AM
 
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Here is a small window into the world of an adoptee that has come to grips with many of her feelings.

I'm hoping to do this in a kind gentle way.

I was adopted at 2.5 and before that I was moved around a lot with my birth mother and with other family members. I know who my birthmother is, and we speak at least once a month. I know who my birthfather is and spoke to him once before he died last year. I met them over the telephone about 3 years ago.

My mom and dad (I call my adoptive parents mom and dad, they earned it! my birth mother is Carla) gave me a wonderful life. Although they have faults they did their darn best. I was rarely spanked and brought up to be very tolerant of others. My parents now believe that no child should ever be hit and that if they could go back they would not have spanked me. I can be very abrasive but I have a soft heart. My parents bailed me out of all kinds of muck.

Just over the last few months as I've really begun to come into myself I have realized more and more how much I really am like Carla. She has had Cervical cancer (only had one pap smear in 40yrs...good advertisement for your womanly visits), and some other health problems related to the chemo and radiation. She and I share many of the same feelings and thoughts about situations. We are both married to wonderful charming men, who worship the quicksand we walk on. I love my mom and dad, but feel extremely attached to Carla in a way that I cannot explain to someone who is not adopted.

What I really recomend to people who's children ask about their birth parents and for those that can't find or don't want to find the birth parents for whatever reason you choose (I am not judging you for making this choice...there are still people in this world who are not fit to be parents, even if they can procreate) is to find an adult who was adopted who had a good experience. Someone who fits in with your lifestyle of gentle parenting etc. I have spoken to many young adoptees about how they feel about being adopted and what it means to them. I speak to them frankly and honestly, but don't cross any lines that the parents have set up. I feel so strongly about this that I am getting my BA (and hope to someday get my masters) in adoption social work. I found the most difficult time for me was as a teenager. I was trying to find out who I was and it was so incredibly difficult. I think it was doubled because I had no one to look at and say "oh, that's where my thick eye brows come from, and oh, that is where my sarchasm comes from. It's really difficult for an adoptive parent to totally understand this, no matter how educated and how much you care. My parents are incredibly educated and wonderful kind gentle people. There was not way they could have ever known.

I am incredibly attached to my birthmother. Do I feel my mom and dad did me a disservice for not being in contact with her, no! They did what Carla asked of them (actually she stated this her wishes for the person or people who adopted me) and took me out of the area where I was born and where Carla's crazy mother was. She wanted something better for me.

Carla is not my mom, my mother, or my mommy. She is Carla, and she is who I look like and who I blame the crazy thoughts that come into my head on..HA HA She gave me some insight into some of the reasons I may the way I am, ie the obesity, and the mental illness (I have clinical depression as did her aunt and her mother). As for my birthfather. He was a sperm donor. It was the 70's. I spoke to him once and spoke to his mother a few times and spoke to his son (my half brother) once. I also spoke to my uncle once (his brother). Turns out that my birthfather was not a very nice person. I guess that helps me be not so attached. I do look like him though. My hair, my eyes, and my smile. His mother says I look like his other four children. It's nice to know those things. It makes me feel good.

I have gotten many things from my mom and dad. They are both truely dedicated to education, and although I don't want to teach in a classroom, I consider myself the original teacher as a mother. I am truely dedicated to my children! The list could go on for hours of how I identify with my mom and dad.

Separation from a birthmom can have a long lasting effect, but so can the love and caring you can give. Doing your absolute best is all that can be asked of you. Finding a friend who can mentor your child through the difficult times in his/her life may help.
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#26 of 32 Old 12-11-2004, 12:34 AM
 
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I and my bro and sis were all adopted. We all have abandonment issues, and I believe dealing with abandonment is part of the life work for most or all adoptees. (This doesn't mean we are worse off than other people, we just have certain issues, like everyone.)

I highly recommend rebirthing for anyone with adoption and/or birth trauma issues. It is essentially a breathing technique practiced with a trained rebirther. the process leads a person to regress, so s/he can deal with the trauma again in a positive and healing way. I had a lot of depression and a huge amount of anger all my life and didn't know it, much less why I was so unhappy all the time. Rebirthing changed my life. I was able to let go of some of the negative feelings and thoughts that had been holding me back for 30 yrs, so I could begin to build the life I wanted to live.

I'm not sure I'd recommend rebirthing for young children, however. I think it's better for people who have developed some coping skills. (though some rebirthers might disagree with me.) so for how that should influence your parenting, I have no idea.

Could write so much more, but baby's fussy . . .
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#27 of 32 Old 12-12-2004, 03:55 PM
 
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BEBA: Building and Enhancing Bonding and Attachment - A Center for Family Healing

I believe this place is in Ojai, CA, near Santa Barbara, which is 2 hours north of Los Angeles.

Birth Psychology
Another website that might be helpful to you.

10 - boy
5.5 - girl
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#28 of 32 Old 12-13-2004, 01:50 AM
 
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i was abandoned in a trash can some time before my adoption from a Korean orphanage at 3yrs old. when exactlly i was born or where, and why i was abandoned are not known, i do not know if or how much biological family i may have. when people hear this, they think that this must be very hard on me and ask if i want to find my "real Parents" or "go back". ive never considered either, really. imagining being raised by others is as difficult as imagining myself as a completely different person. changing one thing in our past would change everything, i am as much of a product of my genes as my enviroment as the next person. generally, i hear about people going back to find biological parents, i think of people going back to their roots or back to their home town. i fear it's about a void, something lacking in the now. or at worst, an excuse to blame behavior on circumstances. ohh, so and so is troubled because they were adopted, thats why they misbehave. ive met adopted people with wonderful, close relationships to their parents, and birth children with no real attachment to their parents. it about the individual. also- i dont believe it is essential to bring a child that was born in another country back to visit. they are your child now. their culture is your culture. take me- i am definetly a product of the italian mother and polish father i was raised by. i may look asain, but christmas eve i make perogies and christmas day lasagna. but i did seem to have an easy time in chinese medical school, hum, maybe it's in my blood....
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#29 of 32 Old 12-27-2004, 01:22 AM
 
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I too am an adoptee and all I can share is my experience. But I do have to say that I think it is wonderful, all these ap mamas here.

My parents adopted me when I was 2 mo. old. and I grew up in a very affectionate, loving ap-style family. My mom stayed at home with us and we were the center of my parents lives. I always knew I was adopted and had "my very special day". I also have an older brother and younger sister who is biological to one another. I know that I was much more of a clingy child than my siblings. My Mom always thought it was because of when I was in foster care, I wasn't held enough. I think that I did probably long for physical attachment.

Growing up I didn't feel different except at birthdays and on "my special day". Maybe I didn't want to be different and thats why it hurt so deeply. I had a closed adoption, as all were in the 60's. When I got into my 20's, I got non-identifing info. from the adoption agency. I still wanted more, so I searched and found both bio-parents. It was an emotional rollercoaster for all of us. But still, to this day, my parents are my parents.

For me, I think searching and finding more info. filled that void and the questions. I am alot like my birthmom in so many ways. BUT, my mother is my mother and my birthmother is Liz. My Mom was the one who taught me how to parent and be the mother I am today. She nurtured me and has given me such a great gift to pass on to my children, the gift of love and how to love.

In October, my mother laid dying in the hospital. I called and told my birthmom of her condition and even though she had told my mother "thank you" before, she wanted me to tell her that again. So, through my tears, I told my Mom. She told me my "birth story" of when they got me and how I just cried and cried and she knew that she had to take me home and love me. I cry now as I type this and cried as she told me this two days before she died. She was my Mother. Now that she is gone, my relationship hasn't changed w/my birthmom. We still talk once a month and she is still Liz. No one can replace my Mother.

Having that intense, loving, biological bond with my children has really filled the "missing link" for me too and has helped in my healing process.

Warmly~

Lisa:bf

Lisa, Todd, Dane and Amber: & :::
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#30 of 32 Old 01-28-2005, 07:56 PM
 
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I totally agree with I STIK M. I am adopted and I must say I get somewhat offended when I hear about all the "trauma" and "wounds" adoptees have. My mother is my Mother and my father is my Father. Period. I was never "told" I was adopted. It was always just a fact of life. Since we got my sister when I was three, it was just normal to go pick up a baby. I knew that the woman who gave birth to me wanted a better life for me than she could provide. My parents provided that. I have no desire to search out my birth mother. I have no clue what I would say to her, really.

What I think I am trying to get across, is that people do more damage by stressing about adoption and the effect it has on a baby. The baby is still just a normal baby. Once the baby is in your arms, you are its mama. Go from there. Raise it as you would a baby you birthed.

Marlene
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