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-   -   Need advice re: foster, foster to adopt, or private adoption (http://www.mothering.com/forum/165-adoptive-foster-parenting/605368-need-advice-re-foster-foster-adopt-private-adoption.html)

raleigh_mom 01-29-2007 02:01 PM

DH and I are trying to navigate the road to adoption. We have 2 wonderful bio-children and are interested in adding more kids to our brood via adoption.

I have long been interested in fostering or foster to adopt, but DH is really scared he will fall in love with a child and then be crushed when they are returned to their own family.

Another option would be foster to adopt (could also be heart breaking for DH) or regular adoption (which I hadn't planned on considering but would probably be willing). Cost is a big issue too. And we are interested in a child 3yo or younger so that our own children would keep their birth order (so to speak). Really 2 or younger would be my preference.

Do you think this is possible? Any advice would be much appreciated. Am I leaving out any options?

Any hints for helping my DH with his worries?

Buddhamom 01-29-2007 02:37 PM

We did domestic adoption of a newborn. Our cost was 12,000 plus travel expenses (we live in CT and adopted in TX). We had a great experience and got our baby within 2 weeks of signing. However we adopted a full AA baby and wait times tend to be less Good luck!

BCFD 01-29-2007 08:13 PM

We have gone the fost/adopt route for all 3 girls. When our homestudy was being done, we told them that there was NO way possible that we wanted a call for a newborn who had a chance of gonig back to the birthmom or birthfamily. We were only open to a newborn (preferably caucasian or hispanic or a mix of the two) that was in the "fast track to adoption" program. We were very, very lucky and got that call before our homestudy was even on paper. 6 months later, we did the adoption and it went down in history as one of the easiest cases in the county EVER!

DD#2 came along and it was basically the same thing. No birthfather was named and the adoption went off without a hitch.

Enter DD#3 who we are still currently fostering with hopes of adopting (she is DD#1's bio sister). A birthfather was named and he has actually shown up to the first hearing, but has since been incarcerated. It is looking great for us, but I won't breathe until those papers are signed and she is ours.

You CAN adopt through the foster care system and it doesn't have to be a heartbreaking, scary process. There are children who are free for adoption and you can request those children.

We decided against international because we are a same sex couple and would have had to lied (not an option for us). We decided against domestic/private/agency because after $40K in IVF we just could not afford it.

In the end we got 3 beautiful girls, all have caucasian moms and we believe hispanic fathers, and they are healthy and the loves of our life. Good luck on your adoption journey!! I hope my story can be of inspiration to you.

alicia622 01-30-2007 09:31 AM

As someone whose still in the foster to adopt process, your husbands fears are very real! Dfs came to us at one month and is now 17 months old. During the past 16 months we have been on a major emotional rollercoaster. For a while it appeared dfs was going back to his birth parents only to have that fall apart and...well, I could write a book, but basically while we are very hopeful we will be adopting...this year, it is still not a done deal till it's officially done.

You can avoid this by adopting an older 'legally freed for adoption' child. I'd contact your state child welfare organization to get more information about straight adoption from the state. It shouldn't cost you a cent. In my state, there aren't many younger kids in this category, but every state is different.

Good Luck!!!

Sierra 01-30-2007 05:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by alicia622 View Post
As someone whose still in the foster to adopt process, your husbands fears are very real! Dfs came to us at one month and is now 17 months old. During the past 16 months we have been on a major emotional rollercoaster. For a while it appeared dfs was going back to his birth parents only to have that fall apart and...well, I could write a book!
I will say this is my experience too. We have already adopted one child, who came to us at 1.5 days old through fostering. He was 13 months at adoption, and his case was one of the more straight forward ones. We had two times when we had to face very real possibilities of him leaving.

We now have a dfd who is 10 months old and has been with us for 4.5 months. We are in the middle of one of those huge dips in the rollercoaster (and dealing with a terrible SW to boot!), and to be honest, because of that I am feeling really negative about foster-adopt today. If you asked me a week ago, I might have said something entirely different, but today after two emails from dfd's social worker, I feel like I am hurtling toward rock bottom in this experience. At the moment, I resent terribly that we have put ttc and private adoption stuff on hold because of dfd's placement with us (the sw even asked us to not ttc during all this), as I believe she may very well be leaving. I am emotionally raw and devestated, though a month from now it may be a whole different story because it is indeed a ROLLER COASTER.

Having said that, my dw was very afraid of foster-adoption when we started for the very reason your husband named. But we were meant to do it so that ds could be our son, and I know that she doesn't regret that for an instant.


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