is adoption a big 'issue' for you? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-13-2007, 03:18 AM
 
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Good thought. Hugs mamas.
I think we are doing good. I think this is good.
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Old 02-13-2007, 03:47 AM
 
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In my family: there are quite a few kids that have been adopted by their aunts or uncles. My grandma says that my great grandma never wanted us to lose a family member, bc of all of the family members that were forcibly lost during slavery... So, in our family we do that... But, I find some of the pros of it being that kids get to see someone else who has similar quirks.

Now, I do get that some folks can feel like odd balls regardless of how much family they have around (feel like odd balls bc of choices, or beliefs, etc), but for me, it is nice to see other ppl who laugh like me, eat like me, are picky like me, etc... So, in my family, adoption is a touchy topic only if you suggest putting a kid up for adoption outside of our family.

Also, we have adopted other kids that were not biologically our family. Usually, I can't tell whose who...

I don't disagree with anyone else in another family putting their kid for adoption if they had to... Also, if someone in my family had strong feelings about putting their babe up for adoption outside of our family, I think and hope that I could work really hard to support them (bc they probably wouldn't get much support from a lot of other folks)... most of the sw's in our families would be supportive to some degree... I think...

-L

PS: I didnt realize that anyone was adopted into, through, or within our family until I became an adult and the adoptees told me at different times, so I guess that says something for how much we blend... I think its cool... and I am proud to have relatives that take care of each other.. Biological or not... who cares. I do understand why my great grandma wanted to keep the kids in the fam tho, and also allow others into the family, but not lose any kids...

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Old 02-13-2007, 08:59 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sesa70 View Post
...or anyone else wanting to answer!


You mentioned as a child you always wondered about your birthmom and had some negative feelings about your adoption, but you were always concerned wtih your adoptive moms feelings. So can I ask if you remember around what age you can remember beginning to feel negatively? What sorts of things can we adoptive moms look for in our children as symptoms of these types of concerns?

I would hate for my dd to grow up and feel she cannot talk to me about negative feelings she has surrounding her adoption because of my feelings. I would like to know what sorts of things to look out for so that I may approach her if need be.
Okay before I answer this I want to add I had a very bad relationship with my adoptive mum very early on so it may have been more skewed because of this and Im not sure these could be viewed as being negative but maybe a childs way of working things out ?

From aged 2 my parents would notice how I would attach myself to other families when we were out at the park /beach in their own words "looking for someone" constantly.

I was very into dolls and dolls houses and my play would ALWAYS involve a mum dying / getting a new mum/ children having to be adopted /children without a mum.
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Old 02-13-2007, 12:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Emilie View Post
This I feel was aimed at those of us adoptees who " can't take it in stride"

This is why some of us think as much as we want to share and grow our opinions are not welcome here.
Once again, I'm not "aiming" anything at anybody. In response to the OP, I've been telling my story, just like you've been telling yours. The difference is I appreciate hearing your story, but you don't seem to appreciate hearing mine, and you've told me repeatedly. So whose opinions are not welcome here???

How *I* feel about my birthmother and the fact of *my* adoption, is just that: me and mine. Your experience is different, clearly. I was glad to see that others felt similarly to me on this issue (for the first time in my 4.5 years on MDC, I might add!), which is why I spoke up in the first place.
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Old 02-13-2007, 01:23 PM
 
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As an adoptive mom who was adopted herself as a child, I totally agree. Adoption is simply one of many facts about my life. I hope my ds feels the same way as he grows up.

Reading some threads around here one might come to the conclusion that adoption is a trauma that can never be overcome...and it may feel like that to some. It's nice to hear from others who have been able to take it in stride.

This is the post I am confused about then? I must be reading something into than that isn't really there due to being sensitive?
and it may feel like that to some? I guess I found the tone- I don't know.....
I apologize.
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Old 02-13-2007, 01:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Emilie View Post
This is the post I am confused about then? I must be reading something into than that isn't really there due to being sensitive?
and it may feel like that to some? I guess I found the tone- I don't know.....
I apologize.

I wonder if she had written her last sentence something like this: "Reading some threads around here, one might come to the conclusion that all adoptees feel the same way about adoption. Some adoptees have experenced a lot of trauma through adoption. It feels validating to hear I am not the only one who shares my experience, which differs from that" it would have felt the same to you.

Perhaps the tone you have found was not the tone intended???

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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Old 02-13-2007, 01:39 PM
 
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By the way, I remember a somewhat related discussion on these boards called "Adoption Criticism" from not quite two years ago. I remembered posting in it, so I just now went and found my long post there, which is on page 4 or 5 or something in the thread. It is interesting to see ways in which my thinking has changed, as well as ways in which it has stayed the same.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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Old 02-13-2007, 01:51 PM
 
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That is what I think too.... I guess I thought that her view is the more socially accepted one?
I don't know. I guess I just fear it because that is what I don't want for adopted kids- I don't want their amoms "hoping" they will be a "good adoptee" and not care about being adopted as my amom did.
Of course we don't want our kids to be hurt or affected but I don't think ignoring the fact that they may have legitimate reasons for feeling otherwise is a good route( no- you are not doing that hhurd- just in general)

I guess since hers is easier to take for amoms.... and mine is very hard..... it just makes it seem that their must be soemthing wrong with me. Notice a trend here anyone?lol.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
We are all growing and knowing till the day we die. I am really wanting to learn here.... I guess it is just hard when I feel I was not being validated and I assumed she always had been?
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Old 02-13-2007, 01:53 PM
 
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It is good that you are looking into this and how you feel. imo.
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:03 PM
 
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Everyone's adoption experience is different just as every person is an individual. I personally don't have 'issues' with my adoption or my parents. That is just me. That is not to say people who are working on their 'issues' don't have valid feelings and are not entitled to those feelings. I do believe to generalize and put adoptees into a box together is incorrect. I know I'm going to probably get shredded for this but...I truly believe that (for myself) there came a point in life where I could blame or feel hurt, anger or a myriad of other feelings and get 'stuck' in that place OR I could let go and accept that this is MY life and move on. I could not allow the circumstances of my adoption or the choices made by my parents effect my life in a negative way. I could not make excuses for my behaviors or feelings by blaming my family(s). I had to look at it all clearly, gain perspective and make my own choices about my own life and how I want to live it. (I believe every adult does this in a sense, not just adoptees) It makes me sad that some people are going through life with such a sense of loss secondary to their adoption experiences. I just wonder at what point people are able to integrate all of their experiences and come out whole and healthy. Ideally it would be prior to starting families of their own. Life is not perfect but it is LIFE to be lived the best way possible. I don't know any of you and I truly am not trying to dismiss anyone's feelings. I am just sharing my opinion and thoughts. Again, everyone has a different life experience and we cannot be all 'clumped' together. Our adopted children need to be seen as individuals first. Adoptive parents must do the same things all parents must do and that is to "do our best" to raise healthy, well adjusted people who will one day leave us to go off into the world.

As an adoptive mother, I will be open and honest with my children about my experience and when they are able to talk about their own we will do whatever it takes to support them in their growth and acceptance of self. I don't know if they will have 'isssues'. They may or they may not. The only thing I can do as a mother is guide, support and love them. I believe being aware that adoption adds certain variables to a family is important but focusing on possible 'issues' can distract from day to day parenting.

Finally, I do not intend to hurt or invalidate anyone's feelings. Adoption is such a personal experience for all of us and can touch a nerve when discussed in such a forum. The commanality we all share is adoption has touched our lives in one way or another. I just fear that some gross generalizations are being made based on the experiences of a few.

Peace
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:24 PM
 
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[QUOTE=mom4emnxani;7287262] I know I'm going to probably get shredded for this but...I truly believe that (for myself) there came a point in life where I could blame or feel hurt, anger or a myriad of other feelings and get 'stuck' in that place OR I could let go and accept that this is MY life and move on. I could not allow the circumstances of my adoption or the choices made by my parents effect my life in a negative way. I could not make excuses for my behaviors or feelings by blaming my family(s). I had to look at it all clearly, gain perspective and make my own choices about my own life and how I want to live it.

This is what I am doing now.
I have suffered from depression and a few other things much of my life. I have never before linked it to my adoption or what resulted for my life because of it because well- for me- that would have been to painful.
So .... now my "issues" become my families "issues" and I HAVE to do something about it with the reslove that my children will not take on my issues or have to deal with a mom who is not whole or is so injured she is not a good mom. Which is what I was.
Dealing with my adoption- and my life in a REAL way- by really looking at it- no holds bar- is so agshausting.... but it is neccesary - for me. As I have had problems for a long long time and I can not heal and move on until I deal with them. Repression will not work for me.... it is eating me alive. I must take on the pain head on and work thru it. Give it a name and confront it and learn to accept it. We can not accept what we do not acknowledge and up until recently I was not willing to acknowledge that part of me. At all.

I agree with your post. I sure hope I don't get stuck with this anger forever. That is why I am trying to deal with it. Adoptees rights and human and childrens rights will always be on my list of things I care a great deal about. I will always care about the feelings and thoughts of adopted children and adults. HOpefully I can move thru my pain so I can be an asset instead of a liability.
Hugs and peace.
Em
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:31 PM
 
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Emilie, why are you using me as a mirror of your experience? Why compare yourself to someone whose experience is so different than your own?

You insist on picking apart my words, examing my "tone," wondering about whether I was more "validated" than you as a child, saying you understand where I'm coming from, then editing your post to take me to task again, phew...I'm exhausted! If I turned the magnifying glass onto your posts, how would you react?

There are several people on this thread whose viewpoints and life experiences seem parallel to your own. Why focus on my story? I've never once suggested it was my way or the highway. It seems to really bother you that adoption is not a source of turmoil in my life. It seems you're trying really hard to invalidate my story, poke holes in it, disprove it, suggest I'm trying to be more "socially acceptable," and basically teach me that denial ain't just a river in Egypt...
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:47 PM
 
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No.... I am aware that for some reason I am upset about your not caring about your adoption and I am trying to figure out why it bothers me and why you feel that way at the same time. It has nothing to do with you but with me. I apologize.

I do care about your story. I Know it has more to do with me needing validation for my feelings and I guess your not caring just validates my own feelings that I should be able to NOT care about this since my caring about it hurts so many people- like my mom. So... do you see why I am upset about this and why it has nothing to do with you but with me?
I will quit picking at you. No I don't want you to do that. I actually just thought about that in the shower!LOL.
You know it has to do with me not you!
Ok... can we be friends!...... shy embarrased?

Em
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Old 02-13-2007, 03:01 PM
 
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One clarification and then let's call a truce.

I never said that I don't care about my adoption, I've said that I don't think about it much and that it is not a painful subject for me, and no, I don't consider my BM my mother. I'm an adoptive mother, remember? In an open adoption with my son's BM? Clearly adoption matters to me.

Ok, truce.

Wow, all this has bought me to 500 posts...a milestone!
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Old 02-13-2007, 03:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thankyou to everyone who has posted their experiences in responce to my original question.

This is helpful on both fronts. On the one hand, I know there are plenty of other adult adoptees like myself to which their adoption is a non issue. I rarely ever think about my early life or my bio family, in fact it had been years and was not until the recent adoption stickie that I sat down and gave my early life and adoption experience thought enough to put into words. It is nice for me to know others share my feelings.

On the other hand, it is helpful for me to read stories of those of you who are wounded on very deep levels by your adoptions. Its good for me to realize this is possible for my daughter growing up.

So again, thank you to all!

Proud mom of three!  Special needs teen princess wheelchair.gif , 7 year old happy girl modifiedartist.gif , and my flower toddlerhearts.gif

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Old 02-13-2007, 03:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Emilie View Post
It is good that you are looking into this and how you feel. imo.
It is so interesting to me, looking back. My feelings were pretty well developed when ds arrived not-quite two years ago. By that time I'd fostered long enough to have given this a lot of thought. I nodded as I read a lot of what I wrote back then. A few things I would most likely not write now. But I definitely haven't done any 360.

I'm not sure what this adds to the conversation other than the idea that we are forever evolving people. None of us-- not adoptees, adoptive parents, or birthparents-- are stuck forever with the perspective we have now. Things that one doesn't understand now might become clear later, for example.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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Old 02-13-2007, 04:54 PM
 
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exactly- thats what i am saying- we all should be as humans be paying attention to how we feel about things and what is going on around us.
I did not mean to say you were clueless 2 years ago at all...lol. Just that the knowledge in itself that the more info we get the more evoled our thoughts and our feelings are.


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Old 02-13-2007, 06:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Emilie
I feel this has VERY much oversimplified something and really- shows a distaste for your childrens biological parents which IMO is very damaging to a adopted child. Really. My mom never came right out and told me how she felt about my bmom- but I knew it was not good and she thought of her as a "bad person" and "not a real mother" She worried that I would contain these "bad things" and I would turn out to be a bad person- and sees me as a naughty girl alot - not because of her but because of my bad blood.
Her feelings about my bmom carried into how I was raised- very much and how I feel about myself. how can I be a good person if I was born of someone so bad? I can go into this in more detail. But wow.
I also want to say- NO story of a mother giving her child away is a "nice story" It is a sad story. period imo.
For the record, I have NEVER thought of our birthmoms as bad people. In fact, just the opposite. My DP and I talk about them almost daily and wonder where they are, if they are safe, etc. They absolutely are NOT bad people! They are victims of circumstance and they are caught in a circle/cycle of dysfunction. This is all they know! This is how they were raised, how their parents were raised, and how their grandparents were raised. That does NOT make them bad people. Hell, I wish I could adopt the birthmoms and show them a better life! They are wonderful amazing people that I have tons of empathy for. I love them for bringing my children to this planet.

I think this is a safe place for both adoptive moms, adoptees, and birthmoms. I was simply telling MY side of the story. Again, we have gone to great lengths to collect info., pictures, and have face to face meetings with the birthmoms and extended bio family. I want my children to know their story and they will never be left in the dark.

Don't know how much more I can say. I'm sorry that you are so hurt Emilie, but I also agree once again with some of the moms here that say not ALL stories are like yours. Bless you.

An incredibly thankful SAH Mommy to 3 fiendishly enchanting girls 11/04,10/05, & 12/06. 
 
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Old 02-13-2007, 06:58 PM
 
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Ok.... I have some time.... ds is with a friend and dd is sleeping.

I wanted to answer Sesa's question about when i started having bad feelings about my adoption.
I as we have found am still processing how I feel about my adoption and my life.

I believe that when I was an infant- since I was 3 months old and my mom got pg with my brother I am sure it was quite a celebration. I have been told how great it was that my mom got to have her own child. I am sure this was said to me and if not around me as a small child as well. I think this may have impacted me.
I think my parents going out all the time and leaving me with babysitters was not a good choice and impacted me.
I think going on vacation when I was 14 months old and my new brother was 2 months old and leaving me with an aunt I did not know was a bad decision.
I think being in denail about their own infertility issues( ie- my mother when I asked her how it felt to not be able to get pg told me it was no big deal just recently- she did not recall feeling anyway about it)
I think while growing up if there was ever an altercation with my brother and I I was ALWAYS the one at fault tho much of the time it was not my fault at all. This led to great abuse I will not detail in this thread but it was physical and emotional trauma at the hands of my brother but supported by my family and wrote off as sibling rivalry.(lol) I was terrorized by him.
I think their inability to accept anything that was not how they think of things was hurtful to me.
I think them never once thinking about how I actually felt about things( from my favorite color to my adoption) was hurtful to me. They were only interested in how they wanted me to think not how I actually thought.
I think they got caught up in wanting a baby and not caught up in actually "being parents".
I think that they felt I was lucky to have the life I had but my brother desrved the life I had so they were comfortable giving me less since it would STILL be more than what my bio parents could have given me.
I can go into this in more detail.
I do appreciate everyones honesty and I will not question it anymore. I promise- my apoligies really. But I am being honest with my reactions to the posts which I would think is okay too.... but maybe not so damn judgemental of you. Sorry.

Ds needs me...
Em
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Old 02-13-2007, 07:03 PM
 
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Emilie thanks for sharing your memories and thoughts. I have a question, well two questions actually. One is that we are going to be TTC this fall going through fertility treatments. Is there anything specific you think we could or should do regarding DD to make the tranistion smoother? I don't want her to feel out of place or that we aren't happy with her and am unsure how she may react. Also any advice on what to say when she asks questions about her birth family and the birthmom said she wants no contact for safety reasons.
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Old 02-13-2007, 07:39 PM
 
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I guess it just makes me feel that there must be something wrong with me - why I HAVE issues. Ya know?
Do you ever think there just ISN'T something "wrong" with you? I mean, I'm no expert, and I'm sure there are brilliant people in the world who have written papers and books on this stuff, but it seems to me there's nothing "wrong" with any way of reacting to adoption. Some people land in a certain place of thought, and some people land in another place of thought. It's all about who we are as people, and how we handle grief. I've dealt with a lot of grief in my life, and I've come to feel that there's no wrong way to deal with it. For some, it's a deep internal struggle. For some, it's a short passage. Neither way is better, or healthier, or more or less real. We're different people, and we grieve differently.

I get where you're coming from, though...there definitely is, in our culture, an attitude that shorter, less emotional forms of grief are more acceptable or healthier. That's just a cultural attitude, though, a sort of pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps Americanism. Attitude isn't truth.

Slightly different angle on this...we had many long talks with our adoption SW, and she believes (after 30 years working in adoption), that each child is born with a different capacity to feel and express grief. Some feel it deeply, some feel it hardly at all, some express it strongly, some not so much. There's no better or worse, just different, and each child is born with a special disposition. She told us, bluntly, that we have no way of knowing how our child will grieve, or how deeply she will feel the loss of her birth family, her birth culture, her foster family. She is who she is, and she comes with that unique disposition, that unique experience. I would feel terribly sad, if as an adult she felt she was more or less "normal" or "good" because of who she was and how she's dealt with her loss. She is who she is, and that in itself is good and normal.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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Old 02-13-2007, 08:49 PM
 
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I would be aware of it is a good start! My parents do not acknowledge that they treated us different at all..... they just do not see it I guess tho it is more than apparent. I would not go overboard trying to keep it all equal either.... being in touch with our own feelings is so important because we affect our kids so....

The bmom question is more difficult for me to say.... as I do not know about the safety reasons? To me- I would think- so the f what. I want to know. It is MY right to know. Safety shcmafety- it has been 20 years( or whatever) what if her life has changed?
For whatever reason I would not accept honestly. It isn't fair.
The child is the one with no choices.
I will think about this tho- since that is obviously can not say that to her!
I would not let the bio moms reason be a end all tho. I would later when/if she wants to look for info help her do it.

Understand that this will be VERY painful since it will seem there is no hope of reconnection because of this. I had and have hope.

This may seem wrong to bio moms? But I would think wow- after 18 years life can change! Granted my bio mom is still mixed up but a lovely person and I do not feel she is a danger to me
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Old 02-13-2007, 08:52 PM
 
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I also wanted to say that since meeting and being with my bmom this last November I feel that I am better capable of loving and understanding my amom? I feel that I do have the ability to love and connect with her now.... as well as my own kids in a different way I did not know exsisted until I connected with my bmom.
I am regretful my bmom is so mixed up cause I want more of her.... but I am trying to look for it within myself and share that with my family and my kids.
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Old 02-13-2007, 09:38 PM
 
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Emilie, after reading your last post about your feelings I honestly admit that I got choked up. And I have to thank you for being so honest about your feelings and your childhood. Your insight has really given me more food for thought about using my 7 frozen embryo's and trying for that pregnancy that I have longed for. Right now, my children (I have no bio kids) are what is most important to me in this world. I have always feared that adding bio kids AFTER adoption might not be a good choice. And after reading what you wrote, I really do have to consider how this could affect my children. In the long run, I may choose to sacrifice my wants and desires of a pregnancy to make sure that my children NEVER write a post in 25 years saying "we never felt equal to our brother/sister that was our adoptive moms bio child". The thought of that rips my heart out. Even though it's a truth, I hate the label "adoptive mom". I am simply MOM!! I totally agree with what RedOakMama wrote and I do believe that every adopted child will handle their grief and loss (for lack of better words because they might not feel any "loss"!) differently.

Stay strong. Thanks again for sharing.

An incredibly thankful SAH Mommy to 3 fiendishly enchanting girls 11/04,10/05, & 12/06. 
 
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Old 02-13-2007, 10:16 PM
 
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Forever I refered to my amom as my "real mom" and irl that is still how I refer to her when trying to clarify.... not that I do not view my bmom as a mother but I think of her as a friend. She would be .... not that great of a mom really. Since she is a drug user.... she is a great person to talk to and know for me tho since she is so in me.
I hated when growing up for her(amom) to be refered to as my step mom. People just have no clue!!! No... she's my mom.
BTW.... I talk to my "amom" everyday. Sometimes 5-6 times a day.
She and I are very close and I love her very much and she loves me very much too of course! There is friction in our relationship of course but she is my best friend. My biggest cheerleader( even if she doesn't "get me" like I want her too). I think she has always feared my personality since it is so unlike hers. I am a bit out there and have strong opinions and I tend to be "stronger" than she.
My son recently broke his leg at preschool and I am ready to fight the system to any extent to make it right ...... my mom wants me to just let it be so I don't make a bad name for myself or my kids. We see the world differently. My bro is more like them.... he has the same political beliefs, goals, standards, ideas as them. And I am just a crazy liberal hippie. LOL.
I am different than them. But it does not make me not like them or anything like that. It is what it is. I just hate it since there is power in numbers and in my family I was always the odd one out.
That's just Emilie. lol.

I try to think that my parents did the best they could and they just didn't know any better about things like going on vacation to Hawaii when you have a 2 mo old and 14 mo old!!! Uh duh!

I think you all should also be proud of ff. And you should also go ahead and use those eggs if you want to mama. Really. Being mindful is what it is about- my parents live in a land of denial- if you are on here talking about these issues you are already light years ahead of them.

Hugs to you all.
Emilie
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Old 02-13-2007, 10:59 PM
 
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See, there have been a couple of months since we adopted Drihan that I thought I was preg. and I was horrified because I don't ever want Drihan to think she is second best and I don't want her to have to share us. Yes we have two bio teens but they don't require the same type of attention so there is no competition. She is our baby and will always be our baby.

Me namaste.gif, DH teapot2.GIFmarried 24 yrs.,DD #1 treehugger.gif(89), DD #2 blahblah.gif(91), DD #3 weadopted.gifafro.jpg(05), and DD #4 baby.gif (6/11/11)

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Old 02-13-2007, 11:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddhamom View Post
See, there have been a couple of months since we adopted Drihan that I thought I was preg. and I was horrified because I don't ever want Drihan to think she is second best and I don't want her to have to share us. Yes we have two bio teens but they don't require the same type of attention so there is no competition. She is our baby and will always be our baby.
But that is a lot of pressure to put on a kid, isn't it? I'm not sure whether it is the case for you or not but I have talked to families who had relationships like this with their adopted children and it backfired. The children ended up feeling as if they had to be perfect and could never disappoint or grow out of the nest, etc. I don't know you so I'm not trying to criticize - just food for thought.

Nicole ~ mama to 3 energetic boys and one crazy girl
~Home water birthing, homeschooling birth photographer~
http://www.HoustonBirthPhotographer.com
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Old 02-13-2007, 11:45 PM
 
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No- I get your horror- I felt that when I got pg with dd. Ds was just 20 months and I did not want him to have to share us either. I now think of siblings for my kids as more family to share in all of our love. So Its okay you felt not good about being pg.

My brother was only 12 months younger than i so we were growing up at the same time pretty much- which made the differences much more apparent.
Especially once we got older ..... wow.

I am cautious because I do not want my experience as an adoptee and my anger about it totally put onto the fact that I was not treated fairly in my home- while gosh it would have helped I do believe the initial trauma- the newborn me looking for her mommy- was real and is real in me today.

I think I have just been reabandoned over and over again by my parents inabilty to protect me from harm.
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Old 02-14-2007, 12:17 AM
 
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I just cant share this at this time.
Emilie

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Last edited by Emilie : 05-02-2005 at 10:34 AM. Reason: because
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Old 02-14-2007, 12:25 AM
 
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Emilie, I'm so sorry your brother hurt you, and that your parents were so ineffectual in dealing with it .

On another note, I think the issues about fear over sharing your affection span adoption versus bio. I feel the exact same way about our upcoming second adoption. And I know mamas feel the same way about adding a second bio child to their family.
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