Changing names? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-22-2007, 09:00 PM
 
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I want to remind everyone to be gentle with one another, regardless of opinion, or where each of you are in the triad. For the most part this has been a great discussion. Remember that it is not o.k. to.....

.....post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.

Thank you.

 
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Old 03-22-2007, 11:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, this will be a response to multiple posts, so here goes . . .

"An adoptee doesn't stay a baby forever. They grow older, and they start to understand that the story they've been told of being "chosen" by one set of parents is due to (as you put it) "oh I forgot my pill or oops the condom broke" happening with another set of parents. In other words, from the adoptee's point of view, the choosing doesn't happen in a vacuum."

Okay, my first dd was far from planned and my 2nd dd was while I was on the pill. So that's not an adoptee issue, it's a person issue. I do believe that one of my brothers was the only one planned out of the four of us.

I don't view myself as a mistake, but I know that my mom and dad didn't "plan" on having me.

"Yeah, silly me. If only I had *known*, then it would have made everything so much easier to bear, knowing I was 'special'."

I'm sorry if you are unhappy with the way things went. It's not that way for everyone.

"I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed."

That is a good point. I do think that much of that may be attributed to the fact that things are different now than they used to be.

I'm not trying to pick on the ones I quoted, I just felt like responding to those. There are plenty more things I could type, but I do have a homestudy to get ready for. Also I feel there are those who are arguing for the sake of arguing.

Thank you all for your input!!!

We still have not decided as far as the name changing goes. When we are at a point where we know we will become fictive kin and start the adoption process we will talk to Nevada's grandparents about possibly adding to her name.

Thanks again!

Nikki
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Old 03-23-2007, 12:02 AM
 
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When we adopted our daughter at 2 months old, her foster family had been calling her Savannah. A good friend of mine just had a baby and had called her Savannah, so we decided to go with the name we had chosen. Months after, we found out that her birthmother had named her, but no one knew that. So her name is now double name (like Etta-Mae), with the name we gave her and the name her birthmother gave her put together, and they sound great together.
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Old 03-23-2007, 12:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by nikkilynn View Post
Okay, this will be a response to multiple posts, so here goes . . .

"An adoptee doesn't stay a baby forever. They grow older, and they start to understand that the story they've been told of being "chosen" by one set of parents is due to (as you put it) "oh I forgot my pill or oops the condom broke" happening with another set of parents. In other words, from the adoptee's point of view, the choosing doesn't happen in a vacuum."

Okay, my first dd was far from planned and my 2nd dd was while I was on the pill. So that's not an adoptee issue, it's a person issue. I do believe that one of my brothers was the only one planned out of the four of us.

I don't view myself as a mistake, but I know that my mom and dad didn't "plan" on having me.

BUT YOUR MOM AND DAD DID NOT GIVE YOU AWAY FOR ADOPTION

"Yeah, silly me. If only I had *known*, then it would have made everything so much easier to bear, knowing I was 'special'."

I'm sorry if you are unhappy with the way things went. It's not that way for everyone.

FOR YOUR ADOPTED DAUGHTER YOU ARE SPEAKING I ASSUME?
The thing is you can not pick and choose how your achildren will feel about their adoption. Please go back and read thru this forum. There is a wealth of information on here. Just because an adoptee has issues with the way things went does not mean they would choose it any other way. Just that they have issues with being adopted. Who wouldn't


"I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed."

That is a good point. I do think that much of that may be attributed to the fact that things are different now than they used to be.

What do you mean by this? How things are different now then they used to be? What do you feel is different? That we now care about adopted kids feelings?

I'm not trying to pick on the ones I quoted, I just felt like responding to those. There are plenty more things I could type, but I do have a homestudy to get ready for. Also I feel there are those who are arguing for the sake of arguing.

Thank you all for your input!!!

We still have not decided as far as the name changing goes. When we are at a point where we know we will become fictive kin and start the adoption process we will talk to Nevada's grandparents about possibly adding to her name.

Thanks again!

Nikki
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Old 03-23-2007, 12:57 AM
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Okay, this will be a response to multiple posts, so here goes . . .

"An adoptee doesn't stay a baby forever. They grow older, and they start to understand that the story they've been told of being "chosen" by one set of parents is due to (as you put it) "oh I forgot my pill or oops the condom broke" happening with another set of parents. In other words, from the adoptee's point of view, the choosing doesn't happen in a vacuum."

Okay, my first dd was far from planned and my 2nd dd was while I was on the pill. So that's not an adoptee issue, it's a person issue. I do believe that one of my brothers was the only one planned out of the four of us.

I don't view myself as a mistake, but I know that my mom and dad didn't "plan" on having me.

"Yeah, silly me. If only I had *known*, then it would have made everything so much easier to bear, knowing I was 'special'."

I'm sorry if you are unhappy with the way things went. It's not that way for everyone.

"I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed."

That is a good point. I do think that much of that may be attributed to the fact that things are different now than they used to be.

I'm not trying to pick on the ones I quoted, I just felt like responding to those. There are plenty more things I could type, but I do have a homestudy to get ready for. Also I feel there are those who are arguing for the sake of arguing.

Thank you all for your input!!!

We still have not decided as far as the name changing goes. When we are at a point where we know we will become fictive kin and start the adoption process we will talk to Nevada's grandparents about possibly adding to her name.

Thanks again!

Nikki

:
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Old 03-23-2007, 01:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by nikkilynn View Post
"I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed."

That is a good point. I do think that much of that may be attributed to the fact that things are different now than they used to be.
Read. what. was. written.

I feel disrespected, and it wasn't even my post. (Not that you weren't just as obtuse with mine, which said something similar.) You ask for our advice, and then misconstrue what we say to fit into your preconceived notions.

The point isn't the past vs. now...it's now vs. future. In five or ten years, Nevada will not be a 2-year-old. She'll be able to verbalize her feelings, unlike at present. You'll be older and wiser too. By then, you may have learned the hard way what we're trying to tell you now.

There are a lot of wise and experienced parents on this thread from all three parts of the adoption triad. We're not all wrong.
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Old 03-23-2007, 01:29 AM
 
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Yes, Nikki, I am well aware that my experience was not universal, and I'm most certainly definitely glad it wasn't.

However, you don't seem to get (or refuse to acknowledge) that your hope isn't always what plays out. Don't sit there and tell people it's 'too bad they didn't know' that adoption is always wonderful and if only they had the right attitude about being 'chosen' then everything would be peachy. That's demeaning.

If you don't MEAN to say that, then don't say the kind of thing that I quoted. Or at least bother to put in a qualifier. If I can do it, so can you. It won't kill you. In fact, it gets easier over time. It's irritating, I myself get irritated at having to say 'for me' and 'in my case' and 'I don't speak for everyone' and crap like that all the time, since I think it should be a given (because really, sheesh people, shouldn't you have all the same exact experience as me?). But you know what, it's a good reminder. Not all adoptive parents are like mine. I'm sure some of the aparents here are for damn sure glad that not all adoptees are like me. But at least we can be respectful of the fact that a lot of us are going to have differing views about much of this at any given point in the adoption/parenting journey.

If you do mean what you've said, which TO ME is in essence saying that one's experience of adoption is only negative if one's attitude makes it so, then sorry, you're flat out wrong. Give me a handful of adoptees that come from similar backgrounds (great adoptive parents or crappy ones, just all the same), and you'll have a spectrum of feelings and attitudes--regardless of the postive or negative experience. I'm sorry (and this is meant 100 percent genuinely and not sarcastically at all) that you don't seem to know that you can't control all of how your DD is going to feel about her adoption, and to a certain extent neither will she. It is *not* always a mind over matter thing, and some people (I don't consider myself one of them, BTW, I blame most of my 'problems' with my childhood on a pretty crazy upbringing that would not have changed even if I were my parents' bio child) have deeply felt wounds over that past that aren't fully healed even by the most loving parents.

I don't blame adoptive parents for not being able to make all of that go away if only they could love their kids 'enough'. Please extend the same courtesy to adoptees and don't assume that if only they knew that adoption was Really Good all the pain and loss that some of them feel would just evaporate into the ether. It is not so. Some people don't feel that way, but others do, and it does nobody good service to dismiss it.
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
We adopted a two year old and we kept his Ethiopian name. Our thoughts were

1) He didn't need a name, he already had one

2) It was HIS name, not ours to toy with

3) It was the only thing that he owned when he came to us.


In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:40 PM
 
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I think people are being a bit harsh on Nikki.

She is, admittedly, new to the world of adoption and has come asking advice. Yes, she is having a hard time letting go of her original idea, but she is not being (imo) defensive. She's doing her best to hear and integrate new ideas. It takes time, people.

And, I think we also need to remember that, as many people have pointed out, none of us can predict how Nevada is going to feel about any of this, her adoption, her birth and toddlerhood history, her name change or not... If her name is changed, she may end up feeling very resentful or angry about it. Then again, if her name is not changed, she may end up feeling like the odd child out, if all the other kids in the family have biblical names and hers is very obviously different, particularly if she has other traits (looks, interests etc) that make her feel like the odd kid out in the family. Bottom line is we just don't know.

I also think it is hugely important to remember that Nikki has said she plans to discuss this all with the grandparents. She is really trying to do the right thing.

I guess I'm feeling both sides of this a little more b/c as a former post-adoption professional, I do *get* it. I've read all the books, I *know* the best practice....

But, as the foster mom, hopefully adoptive mom, of a wonderful 2 yr old whose given name makes me *cringe*, and stands out like a sore thumb among the names I have given to my biological children, I get where Nikki is coming from.

It has to be okay to discuss our feelings as adoptive/future adoptive parents even when they aren't in line with best practice etc. We still get to have feelings, we still get to be imperfect. We all do, all members of the triad. And really, I think thats how improvements happen -- by being honest, even when the honesty reveals our imperfections.

And, finally, I like the idea of Eve or Evie as a nickname for Nevada.
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:53 PM
 
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It has to be okay to discuss our feelings as adoptive/future adoptive parents even when they aren't in line with best practice etc. We still get to have feelings, we still get to be imperfect. We all do, all members of the triad. And really, I think thats how improvements happen -- by being honest, even when the honesty reveals our imperfections.

And, finally, I like the idea of Eve or Evie as a nickname for Nevada.
At the same time, it has to be okay to tell someone a point of view they don't genuinely want to hear without being told that:

Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkilynn
Also I feel there are those who are arguing for the sake of arguing.
That's a blatant dismissal of other people's perspectives and feelings.

For me, for example, having my name changed was a very traumatic event.

Since it wasn't pointed out WHO is "just arguing to argue", it is left looking as if she may well be speaking of anyone who didn't agree with her.

I can honestly say that I don't really appreciate having my trauma dismissed so casually. I suspect other people, who answered the question with honesty (even if it's not what she WANTED to hear), lack a hefty appreciation of having their very valid feelings and concerns dismissed in this manner, as well.

If you post something wanting only supportive responses, it might be best not to do it on a public board.
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Old 03-25-2007, 04:08 PM
 
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Ahhh, man. I posted to this thread back around page 2, but I guess it didn't "take". So here goes the rewrite...

I am responding just to the name change issue (not adoption). Due to a major domestic violence experience when the Dumplings were 3 & 4 years old, I changed all our names (and Social Security numbers, and many other identifying things, and moved cross country and more). The kids were old enough to have a say, and chose from several names each. We each picked names that have sort of the same flavor as the originals (DD is the Spanish name for a different animal, DS is a different biblical prophet, I am a different woman from Jewish tradition). The Dumplings remember their original names, and still use them privately with each other; it has been 7 years. I don't discourage this, but need to remind them for the need for confidentiality on this subject, especially because DD's original name was so unique.

DD plans to return to her original name when she is an adult. I would fully support this, as it would no longer be the security risk (I hope). DS is happy with the new name, as it has a second, happier meaning than the first, and really fits his personality. I would love to return to my birth name, but it will only be an option for me after the death of my ex. I have only retained relationships with 4 or 5 people from my past, but it nearly brings tears of gratitude and relief to my eyes on the rare occassions that one accidentally calls me by my old name. Sometimes I think one of the reasons I maintain these friendships is to validate that on some level I still am R____.

My point here is that, aside from the adoption issues, names are very personal things, and an integral part of one's identity. I don't think it is something to change lightly. I am about 50 years old, emotionally pretty darn strong, made the choice myself, know it was necessary to save my kids' lives and my own, and still I have tears as I type this.

My advice is to not mess with names any more than necessary.

Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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Old 03-25-2007, 06:08 PM
 
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Amris, I'm sorry, I guess I didn't read carefully enough, cause I missed the quote about "arguing for the sake of arguing", which was out of line imo.
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:36 PM
 
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There is a wonderful article (including many comments from adoptees and adoptive parents) on this topic at Anti-Racist Parent today.
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Old 04-12-2007, 07:48 PM
 
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And what about names that will border on the ridiculous? If you adopt a child named Carey and your last named is Carey?

And, on a lighter note...anyone else dying to know what these names are?
No joke, I went to school with a person named Scott Scott. He chose to take his adoptive father's last name (Scott), and thereby became Scott Scott. Interesting that he chose it.

And...I'm guessing the names come from the "Bennifer" trend of a couple years ago.

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Old 04-12-2007, 08:21 PM
 
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And...I'm guessing the names come from the "Bennifer" trend of a couple years ago.
What's the Bennifer trend???

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Old 04-23-2007, 06:07 PM
 
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There is a girl - a teenager now, I think - out in West Texas whose name is Allison Allison. I don't think she was adopted - their last name was Allison and they liked that name for a first name too. She is the daughter of the owners of one of the car dealerships out there.
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Old 04-23-2007, 06:10 PM
 
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"Bennifer" was a word that gossip mags made up when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were dating. It was the first in a long, annoying, series of made-up couple names...the worst of which (in my opinion) is the still-used "TomKat" to describe Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Ah....the trivia.

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Old 04-23-2007, 06:14 PM
 
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Don't forget
Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie = Brangelina...
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Old 04-26-2007, 03:25 PM
 
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Just wondering what you decided to do NikkiLynne and how your dd is doing and the whole process?
Thinking of your family....
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Old 04-29-2007, 06:22 PM
 
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I was left by my biomum at 4 weeks old and was 'given' a new first name and kept my biomum's chosen name as my middle name
I still at age 42 wish that those around me had kept my original biomum's chosen name as my first name - I have never felt that the name that was given to me after this has ever really fitted me ...............
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Old 04-29-2007, 10:54 PM
 
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thank you for sharing Annarosa.
That is good to hear your perspective on this.... very good to hear.
Hugs
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Old 05-02-2007, 02:26 AM
 
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I HAVE ASKED MY MOM ABOUT THIS. SHE WAS ADOPTED AT FIVE YEARS OLD.
Her name was changed. her birthname was joanne, but she was called Jodi. her new parents named her Joan and called her joanie. she said she didn't really notice that, she was mad about her middle name though.

oh and the fact that her birth mom cut off all of her hair b/c "if i can't have it, noone can" maybe that overshadowed other tings, i don't know.

oh when i suggested changing the spelling of my name my mom was offended.

Courtney and Cree, baby made 3, added one more then there were 4, sakes alive, then we had 5, another in the mix now we have 6!

A Momma in love with her Little Women-Jewel Face, Jo Jo Bean, June Bug, and Sweet Coraline.

 

 

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