Unbelievable Adoption/Teen Parent Story (returned) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 08:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 09:01 AM
 
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I don't have any good advice- other than maybe take your time, and try to keep your expectations low for a little bit. I think you will all settle in faster than you think!

Overall, you sound very happy, and I'm happy for you. Good luck!

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.  ~Albert Einstein
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#3 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 09:17 AM
 
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First about the name, this is a part of her life, she is old enough to know ans understand the importance of her name. I would not change it. I know what you mean about a name reminding you of something else, soon Ana Maria will only remind you of the loving, warm, wonderful child you brought into this world and the parents who were able to care for her the first years of her life!

When we were in foster care it was important to follow the wishes of the bio parents, here is a different situation, but I would think it is still really important to follow the wishes of the adoptive parents. It will take quite a bit of adjustment, take it slow ans enjoy learning about your daughter.

I would have her start by calling you by your name...then Mommy name...then mommy, this could take months but it is a change to get used too. You don't want to overshadow her adoptive parents.

Good luck, Hope you get more advice and What a GREAT opportunity!

She's a cutie
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#4 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 09:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#5 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 09:57 AM
 
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no advice but i had to pop in and say best of luck and she's gorgeous!

Kelly, :Mama to Kevin, 10/1/05 & Seth, 7/7/06. ::
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#6 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 09:59 AM
 
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wow, what an incredible situation this is! good luck with everything and i second the take it slow. she's just been through an extremely traumatic experience - loss of her parents, then foster care at such a young age. like you said, she is probably so confused! best wishes.
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#7 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 10:25 AM
 
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WOW!!! I dont know what else to say!

I'll think about it and write more later :

Alicia DH Mike DS Gage Lola & Zeus Fishy Dishy, Charkey and Shark
RIP Sidney 1994-2010 RIP Charlie Brown 2008-2010
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#8 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 11:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#9 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 11:53 AM
 
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I also agree with take it slow. You will also need to consider your priorities:

This is a little girl that has recently lost her parents - she is dealing with that trauma and profound loss - names should not be a concern right now.

Educate yourself on dealing with loss and trauma in young children, and be prepared for this girl to reject you - it is very typical behavior in adoption after a loss like that. Despite you being her birth mother, to this child you are esentially a stranger and it will be helpful to frame it that way to avoid disappointment that could come. Be sure to talk to her foster parents to see what kind of behavior she is exhibiting and what her likes, dislikes, and routines are. Some make the mistake of pretending that their life before you did not exist - it is who she is and you should talk to her about it. Talk to her social worker about getting pictures of her adoptive family and her so that she can share that life with you.

I would also have an experienced parent around to help offer advice and guidance at first. Finally do not push the name "Mommy" on her at all. That should be a decision that she makes when the time is right. Start with just your first name if that is comfortable for you and discuss it more as your relationship grows.

This will likely be a wonderful and stressful time for you and your daughter - take it slow and seek out a strong support system.
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#10 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 04:02 PM
 
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Congrats on having her back! What a beautiful little girl!

However, I would just follow her lead and I would not change her name. I would keep it to honor her parents. She may resent that you changed it later, and that's the last thing you would want. I see it as what if you had raised her all your life, and named her Lilly like you wanted. Then you passed on and they changed her name? That would be horribly confusing for the child and hurtful to me. They raised your daughter for 2.5 years, I would leave the name.

I hope I am not coming across as mean, that is definitely not my intention. Just trying to help.
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#11 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 04:45 PM
 
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Congrats, DB!

Definitely, take it slow. Get as much help as you can, especially in the beginning. Think of it as an adoption, because -- as Zubbles pointed out -- it IS a type of adoption, from your daughter's POV.

(As an aside to the non-Brits on the list, you probably know that nappies are diapers, but you might not know that dummies are pacifiers.)
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#12 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#13 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 06:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Diamond Baby View Post
What advice can you give me about bedtime, like routines and stuff?
And also abotu eating, would a 2 & 1/2 year-old still need a highchair? Or would a booster seat on a normal chair be ok?
Since your daughter is in a foster home, you should have the name of her social worker that can put you in touch with her foster mother. The foster mother will be a great partner in the transition and can tell you about her bed times, eating habits, clothing sizes, and all those other issues that will be good to know before her arrival. You can also find out what she has been told about her adoption and how she is reacting to it.

I just realized that you have picked up the rare title of "Adoptive Biological Mother!"
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#14 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 06:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#15 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 06:46 PM
 
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Wow, congrats hun!!! I would definitily take things VERY slow. I wouldn't do much the first few days/weeks but spend time with her and build a bond. I would let her sleep where she feels comfortable, whether its' with you, on her cot, or on the couch, with her paci or without (you get what i mean). I wouldn't push potty training, or anything else either. I'm sure you'll do fine
a booster seat should be fine for her age Maybe make it a point to go the the store after she's been with you a full day, that way you can judge what she needs.

familybed1.gifnovaxnocirc.gif nut.gifMommy to my amazing 6 yr old dd, we homeschool.gif, and  27 weeks belly.gifpuke.gifand have been sick the whole time so far, grrrrr!!!!!!!

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#16 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 06:51 PM
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I don't normally post here, but saw this on the most recent threads, and couldn't read and not post. You've gotten some great advice on how to deal with the beginnings of your daughter coming home.

As far as general parenting, I would pick up an ages and stages kind of book. The Sears series of books come to mind. Also, check out the life with a Babe and Toddlers forum for typical toddler and baby issues.

Mama to: Katie, Emily , and Abby
Not perfect, Just amazing!
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#17 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 07:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#18 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 09:04 PM
 
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I just wanted to say good luck and take it slow. I like the idea of introducing yourself as mommy sarah.

I wonder if the social worker could put you in contact with a counselor that deals with toddlers and grief. You little girl has had changes that are going to be very hard for her.

She is beautiful
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#19 of 70 Old 05-05-2007, 10:38 PM
 
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Wow. Congratulations.

 upsidedown.gif  Please see my Community Profile! energy.gif blogging.jpg about Asperger's Syndrome!

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#20 of 70 Old 05-06-2007, 10:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#21 of 70 Old 05-06-2007, 08:48 PM
 
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I'd love to have a taste of your second chance! Come join us over at the toddler forum! They are glorious, challenging, life-embracing little people!

I truly believe that she does and will remember you in the deepest part of her being. There are many people exploring the profound bonding that takes place in utero and even pre-conception!

The awesome insights from the people of Quantum Parenting have helped me immensely with understanding separation trauma and ways to heal.

http://www.quantumparenting.com/articles/3/

Here on MDC moms have used EMDR, Cranial-Sacral, and homeopathic therapies to gently uncover hidden grief and trauma with many reports of gradual success. Just take it one layer at a time.

The homeopathic Lac Maturnum (mother's milk) is described in depth here:

http://www.tinussmits.com/english/dy...ring/intro.htm

I've been using it to help my toddler man adjust to reduced nursing/supply from pregnancy until my milk returns. Also for my own maternal loss.

It may be a gentle way to create the space for that previous connection you shared with her at birth.

Check out The Continuum Concept book by Jean Leidloff. Great observations of the paramount importance of physical closeness and compassionate response with our little ones.

As you get more confident and comfortable with her, try out a toddler carrier. Few better ways of bonding than being close and active!

Perhaps consider sleeping with her if she feels best that way. As she heals, you may see regressive behavior resembling a much younger child and allowing her to re-claim an infancy in your arms can have far reaching effects in her level of security.

I love that your partner is so supportive! Give him a huge hug from me!

I've got TONS of info, referrals, resources....PM me anytime

I'm sooooo jealous of you!
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#22 of 70 Old 05-07-2007, 07:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#23 of 70 Old 05-07-2007, 09:06 AM
 
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I am thinking of you so much.
So MUCH.
I know at 26 to be held by my bio mom was definetly something.
Emilie
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#24 of 70 Old 05-07-2007, 11:46 AM
 
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I don't normally post... just read but I had an advice about your dd calling you mommy.

When my dd was turning 4, I was getting married in less than a few months with a man that isn't her father but was taking on the father role. We slowly started referring him as 'Daddy'. She wants some juice... oh go and ask daddy. Or Mike would say "Taylor, come to daddy" etc... I would suggest you let her know your name but then just refer yourself as Mommy. She is still quite young and will probably start calling you mommy within a month.

As for her name, why not shorten it and just call her Anna. But keep her full name on the birth certificate.
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#25 of 70 Old 05-07-2007, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#26 of 70 Old 05-07-2007, 12:03 PM
 
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You say you're 19 right? Well just wait before she calls your bf 'Daddy'. You never know what the future holds and you're still young. I would wait until you're engage or married, only because if something ever happened between you and Sam (I think that's what you said his name was) Sam would not have to feel obligated to continue stepping up to the plate and being her dad. I'm sure he would if he loves you as much as it shows through your post but men can be pathetic when situations changes. I only say this because I know from experience.

I was almost 19 when I had my daughter and I got serious with a guy, thought he was going to be the one. He decided eventually that he didn't like the stay at home after work and throw away the party days so we broke up. She was only 10 months old but still... and he got pretty attached to her that when we did break up he wouldn't allow any of our mutual friends or his family talk about Taylor, it hurt him too much.

You can take my advice or you can leave it. I just thought I would let you know my way of handling it and why. Goodluck and have a great "baby moon".
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#27 of 70 Old 05-07-2007, 12:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#28 of 70 Old 05-07-2007, 12:20 PM
 
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That's why I'm more set on Ana calling him Sam - because even though he lives with me & we've been together for bout 2 years things could still change alot. I think she's had enough loss and confusion in her life that I don't wanna make things worse.

Another thought I've been having and would like opinions on: words to use when talking about death. Of course I'm gonna have to address this issue, but from what I've been reading infants under about 4 can't really grasp that death is permentant and will probably keep asking questions. So I wanna make sure I'm using language that is suitable for her to understand and not scare her. I was thinking:

Your mommy and daddy were in a very bad accident. The doctors tried to make them better but they were very ill and they died. So now they will be with you in your memories, and pictures. But you won't be able to see them anymore.

Do you think that's ok? I was also gonna add:

Your mommy and daddy looked after you when Mommy Sarah (me) couldn't. But now Mommy Sarah is gonna to look after you and love you and your other mommy and daddy have gone to be angels.
At 2 years old, I think that would confuse her. I wouldn't mention it at all and if she asks for them just say they are in heaven. I'm babysitting a 2 year old right now and I can't see him understanding me saying "Mommy's at work to make some money so that you have food. But she'll be home tonight at 5 and you'll see her then. Right now mommy has Carrie watching you so that you aren't alone." All he would understand is, Mommy's at work and you'll see her later.

I am sure this is a lot for you to learn since you haven't been with her since day 1. It'll come naturally so don't worry.
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#29 of 70 Old 05-07-2007, 12:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#30 of 70 Old 05-09-2007, 11:15 PM
 
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This thread is being returned. Posts that violated the UA have been removed. As way of reminder, UA #1 states:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.

It is acceptable to ask clarifying questions if you do not understand DiamondBaby's situation. It is o.k. to PM DiamondBaby to discuss concerns. It is o.k. to PM the moderator or administrators if there are concerns. But it is not o.k. to violate the UA.

 
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