Adoptive parents...need help with birth/first parent term - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 69 Old 02-21-2008, 09:52 PM
 
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Thanks, Aimee. We are. Every year, as a birthday gift to our sons, I put a year's worth of pictures in albums and write out the stories of our family from that year. Over the last two days I did the summer leading up to James' death and the autumn after he died. I've noticed that I'm definitely "off" in how I'm communicating over the past couple of days (dh would attest to that )...so I've had to do some editing/explaining in my posts. I'm sure I'm just muddled and saying the wrong things...laughing at the wrong things, getting annoyed at the wrong things, etc. etc. It's a messy week.
Honey -- we all totally understand -- you have faced quite a year ... tragity and joy and the mixing of the two. You are a brave momma and a strong woman ... we are here, and we understand you are hainvg ups and downs -- you need peace, James is at peace, you deserve to be at peace also ... keep it up momma -- we are here for you.

Aimee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#62 of 69 Old 02-21-2008, 10:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, Aimee.

mom4emnxani~ I read your post (I think), and from what I remember it was relevant and really well-said. I hope you'll reconsider sharing your opinion.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#63 of 69 Old 02-24-2008, 03:06 AM
 
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For us, we will use the Vietnamese word for "mom" and "dad" to refer to her Vietnamese birthparents, and then we are "mom and dad" (said in the English languague of course. LOL!). That way we still have our term, but the importance her birthparents and birth culture are still honored as well.

~Brandon Michael (11/23/03), Jocelyn Lily Nữ (2/4/07, adopted 5/28/07 from Vietnam), Amelia Rylie (1/14/09), & Ryland Josef William (9/7/05-9/7/05 @ 41 wks). 
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#64 of 69 Old 02-24-2008, 07:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
What I value most about this forum are the voices of certain moms who, I think, have a very broad-minded view of adoption and raising transracial or special needs familes.
It's a very different experience for those of us who are not young, white and suburban. Not that there are many of us left.

Thanks for being so supportive.
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#65 of 69 Old 03-02-2008, 12:30 PM
 
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I'm a little late on commenting in this thread but I thought I'd still offer my opinion. I'm adopted (closed adoption) and my parents were always very open with me about it. They let me decide what I wanted to refer to them as. I really don't think I discussed adoption a lot with them until I was 8 or so. I read a lot of books about adoption and I liked the term birth parents, birth mom, birth dad. I don't recall ever seeing "first parent" in any of the books I read. I did see a lot of "heart mommy and daddy" and "tummy mommy and daddy". To me it defined what they were. I think at the time I felt that while they were my parents, they were not parents past my birth. I feel a very strong love and loyalty to my adoptive parents and I see them as my true mom and dad in every way. I've always felt that being a parent is way more than a genetic connection and in a way, my birth parents were just a genetic connection. Well, really, that was the only tangible connection I had to them as a child.

Anyway, I actually met my birth mother a month ago. She is completely comfortable with me referring to my parents as my parents and her as my birth mom. I call her by her first name.

I have a step daughter who I am raising like my own. Her mother isn't in the picture. Since we know her name we refer to her by it. We let DSD decide what she wants to call her and she goes back and forth between her first name and mom.
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#66 of 69 Old 03-06-2008, 01:53 PM
 
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Wendy ~ mom to VeeGee (6/05), who has PRS, Apraxia, SPD, VPI, a G-Tube, 14q duplication, and is a delightful little pistol! I'm an English professor and a writer.
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#67 of 69 Old 03-18-2008, 04:17 PM
 
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ROM -- How is the life book coming?

I want to hear all about it ... i am so excited for you

Aimee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#68 of 69 Old 03-18-2008, 05:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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the life book is...coming. Right now I'm part of a yahoo group that does a page a week, but it's mainly for families adopting from China. I lurk rather than post. Reading the wording has been great, though, and it's given me a lot to think about.

I've also been really happy to see that doing a lifebook separate from doing an adoption/"adoption journey" book is suggested.. I was always wondering how to make her lifebook less about the hows and whys of our/her adoption process. The way they talk about it on the yahoo group makes total sense.

Thanks for the PM by the way! I"m always looking for examples!

And as far as the original post of this thread, we've just been calling her Korean mom her "mother." It feels most natural at this point. I'm sure at some point we'll call her "Korean mom" or Omma just to be clear, but right now I feel fine with sharing the "mother" term. Now that we know more about our daughter's parents, it makes them more real....and now that they're more real, it seems more obvious that they're her parents, too. Sharing a term is really no biggie for us, especially considering the losses her mom has had to face. I mean, in the face of that, how important is a term? To us, not very.

The only problem we've had is that, when journaling to our daughter, I tend to write "your mother" when referring to her Korean mom, and my husband tends to write "your mother" when referring to me. I can see it's going to get confusing, but for now I'd rather just do what feels natural. I'm sure our daughter will know who we're talking about. When she's here and learning English, we can work something else out.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#69 of 69 Old 03-18-2008, 05:40 PM
 
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For our children, mommy and daddy can mean multiple people - birthparents, foster parents or us. If we're not sure who they are talking about we will ask - mommy "X"? They also call birthparents their real parents, as I'm guessing that's the term the foster parents used with them. It's not an issue to me that I share the term, as I'm the mommy they've been with the shortest. I am all for letting the kids decide what to call me (appropriate, of course).
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