Doing fost/adopt and references - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 10-18-2008, 11:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I truly feel like my next child will come to me though adoption and now is the time but I have 1 little concern... I tend to keep to myself and don't have a lot of friends. I'd rather have 1 meaningful friendship then 20 shallow ones you know? I know of one person I could put down as a reference and not worry about. My other friend I would not want to put down as a reference because she's had CPS out investigating her so many times its not funny. As far as I know they were all dismissed but still... there's not really anyone else. I wouldn't want to put down my mom becasue she doesn't want me having any more kids just becasue I ask her to watch them about 1x a month for 2-3 hours and she hates doing it.

So what do you do when you know there going to want several personal references? I haven't worked in a couple of years so I can't even use co workers. I just don't have a strong social need to be around others outside my family.

Seriously?
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#2 of 7 Old 10-19-2008, 12:55 AM
 
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Does you partner work? Can someone there do a reference for both you?

Are you allowed family members?
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#3 of 7 Old 10-19-2008, 01:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by JoyFilled View Post
Does you partner work? Can someone there do a reference for both you?

Are you allowed family members?
I don't have a partner, I'm a SMC. I have no idea if I can do family members but usually people don't want family for references becasue of course your family is going to say nice things about you.. (not my family, they have no problem airing your dirty laundry)

Seriously?
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#4 of 7 Old 10-19-2008, 01:51 AM
 
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Do you have the application packet? It would probably be most helpful to know exactly what the requirements would be. We have been homestudied in two states. Requirements for family vs. non family etc. differed between the two states...also exact number of references required.

You could consider your kids' teachers or any therapists such as speech therapists or physical therapists if you have any and if they have gotten to know you well. Think broadly about who is involved in your family's life on a weekly basis.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#5 of 7 Old 10-19-2008, 02:51 AM
 
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For ur first adoption, we had our then only son's special preK teacher write one of our letters, as well as 2 friends from church that we felt knew us well. This time, we had friends (long distance but long term), and again church people. That way, there was a "title" they could use to make it seem more official, but really it was just people we were friends with. If you don't attend church, is there another religious organization where someone knows you there. Or do you volunteer or serve on any commities? Parent volunteer at your child's school? HTH--you will think of someone, even if unconventional!
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#6 of 7 Old 10-19-2008, 02:54 PM
 
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I used two people from my son's homeschool group..i didnt know them *that* well, but had known each for about a year, and saw them occasionally. And i tracked down a guy i was good friends in high school, that i would see occasionally when i would pop into the restaurant her worked at, and he was happy to fill out the sheet (in both agencies i used i was given the reference forms, had them filled out, then gave them back.) They all asked basically "what do you want me to write?"

I, too, have the same situation where i spend ALOT of time with family, not so much with friends. And i work taking care of my mom, so i dont even have coworkers at this point. But you dont want them to think you ONLY hang with family, they may see that as an issue, yknow? So if you truly have no one you talk to besides family (that you would feel comfortable asking for a reference) you might want to start cultivating those people now. Do you have a playgroup you take your child to? what about the mom of your kid's friend. Really, they just want someone who knows you to say they've seen you with kids and think you'll make a good parent. I got the distinct feeling from both agencies i used (placing state kids) that they just wanted to be able to cross off "references received" on their checklist...i'm not even sure they read them, and they certainly didnt call anyone. But all agencies work differently and some really take references seriously.


Katherine

Katherine, single homeschooling mom to Boy Genius (17) geek.gif  Thing One (6) and Thing Two (6) fencing.gif and one outgoing Girl (12) bikenew.gif and hoping for more through foster care and adoption homebirth.jpgadoptionheart-1.gif 
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#7 of 7 Old 10-20-2008, 11:11 AM
 
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I'd tell your social worker what you told us (though perhaps not the cps stuff about your friend). If a part of your character is not to have a strong social need for friends outside your family, it's okay to share that with her.

Perhaps he/she would have ideas of references (teachers, old bosses, etc.).

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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