First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your wonderful baby boy!!!
We considered Benedict for a name for our son...it is a beautiful name!
I am so sorry to hear about how traumatic this experience has been. But I have good news
, it is my personal opinion that if we mothers give ourselves LOTS of time to heal and find peace from difficult birth stories, we will indeed find healing and peace.
I was also left after the birth of my first child feeling VERY raw/disappointed/heart-broken/etc., though I will admit that my story isn't as involved as yours.
But I still felt very unhappy with how things had happened. I was disappointed in myself, and mostly, with those who had been there to support me.
But I never mentioned a word to anyone, because my son and I were healthy, and I felt that, because I had a healthy baby, I didn't have the right to grieve for my birth not being what I had imagined and hoped.
But inside, I was torn up. I couldn't think back to the experience without many negative emotions.
Over time, however, I slowly started to be able to look back on the whole thing from different angles and viewpoints...not other people's viewpoints, just other facets of my own views. I started sort of just thinking about it without my own original emotions pushed into each section of the story...the fear, the pain, etc...I started to see the memories without those things.
I also poured over other birth stories here on MDC. This was hard at first, because I just compared what went right for other women with what went wrong for me. But soon, I was just reading about birth...birth after birth after birth. The good ones, the bad ones, the ugly ones. I guess I just vastly increased my knowledge of other women's experiences.
Eventually, I guess enough time passed, and I read enough stories about other women's journeys into motherhood, that I started to fall in love with my birth story. Not because it went right, which of course it didn't, but because it was MY story...the story of how I became the mother to my son.
And now, I treasure every minute of that birth story. It brought me to my son, who is one of the greatest gift's God has ever given me.
Who is to say, really, what could have/would have/should have happened? All you truly have is what did happen...and it is how your baby was brought to you...and in that, God is present.
I wish you and your sweet family all the best!!