Thought I would finally finish this it is quite long. My simplist birth my longest story go figure.
I have to preface this birth with my last birth/s. My first two where home births with some intervention like cervical dialation and arom and a hemorrage with #2. My third child long story short had to, at the last minute, drive too my midwife instead of visa versa. Long labor. Then midwife felt she had to hold a "cervical lip" which I now believe was just an undialated cervix. It caused me unblievable pain I screamed, bit, clawed, begged her to stop and she wouldn't. So I started to pretend I wasn't having contx and comanded her to take me to the hospital for and epidural. I was so angry at her so hurt and in so much pain and not close to home. Luckily I finished Dialating so babe was born 10 min after getting to hospital drug free. I believe the tension caused by her manipulating my cervix is what delayed final dialation. After the birth I was numb they had taken babe away (with dh) I literally forgot I had had her until they started bringing paper work to me several hours later. I was just laying in bed in what I believe was the beginning of ptsd. I was very protective of #3 for a long time hated people holding her etc. I think I had a fear of her being taken away. Anyway on her first birthday I had a miscarriage again the next july another one. I was devastated and was still blaming myself for her horrible birth. I got pg again and it stuck I and my dh made the desicion to birth with just him and my sister present.
Now for the birth story. As my due date neared I began waking up sweating and shaking from fear of the pain full blown panic attacks. My resolve thinned. I began fantasizing about an epidural but in my dreams and nightmares the epidural didn't take anyway and I was stuck in this painful abyss. So I started to see and ob and decided I would go in as soon as I felt like it because I couldn't handle my terrible fear anymore. I believe my fear kept labor at bay but finally at 8 days past my due date I came to the conclusion I will do what I need to do if that meant epidural so be it and took castor oil with the full expectation of going to the hospital.
I have to tell all this so you understand my euphoria at the birth I got.
About 2hrs after taking c/o I began light contx 5-15 min apart. They got stronger but not closer apart about 4 am the next morning I was so tired I lay down for a nap. I was having to moan through them but they where so far apart I thought I'm not in labor I am going to sleep. Which I did and they continued to come every 15-20 min or so. When I got up I had my dh check me ( He did every so often in labor and I noticed an incredible phenomenon. He never ever triggered a contx with the exams. I have never had a ve in labor that did not trigger a horrible contx.) I think I was around a six or so. The other thing I observed was I was completely mentally aware of my emotional state. I was discouraged and tired but I recognized that instead of giving into it. My labor progressed it got harder/intense but in retrospect never truly painful. I felt truly rested between every contx. I began having the urge to push but it caused pain to push with it so I just went with it. This lasted for about and hour. ( I am convinsed had I had a midwife there she would have checked me and found a lip to hold back and encouraged me to push) Then came the mother of all contx I was standing at the time and started growling/screaming in my dh's ear. Suddenly I had to poop I began yelling that and apologizing for the clean up. I did poop a bit but all the sudden my bag of waters expolded. (It was amazing to me as this was an irrational fear of mine going into labor that my bag would never break as it had never before naturally broken). I was absolutely thrilled and her head descended. After her head emerged I had brief panic as her shoulders wouldn't budge I had forgotten to wait for the shoulders rotate. My sister said she was able to clearly see the rotation and release of the shoulders. SO amazing!!! And my sweet husband was able to catch the baby.
I can't even express how this birth has affected me and my husband. It was so simple so everyday yet so profound I can't express my joy. I believe this birth was because I knew in my choise of companions I had no need to fear any unwanted touching or intervention only love and trust in my body's capability. I am a CPM and feel for the first time what it is to truly trust birth.
I will probably have to come back and edit spelling and whatnot cause I am nak.
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