Jericho's birth (c/s and childloss) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 44 Old 10-15-2006, 05:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I never felt comfortable posting this in the birth stories until my second son was born, but I want to contribute a story of grief along with my UBAC.

My pregnancy with Jericho was unassisted, and wonderful. I could not have asked for a better experience. I wasn't fatigued, nauseated, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all - but early on I felt like something was wrong. IT wasn't a scary feeling, just a knowledge that it wasn't okay. I had the option to get an ultrasound after I contacted my old midwife, but I eventually decided to decline. I didn't want to be told that he'd die, and instead I wanted to find my peace with what I had... so I did.

I would describe to DH, sometimes in great detail, what Jericho would look like when he came out and what was wrong with him. In the end, mother's instinct proved to be very accurate. While it never lessons the blow of losing your child, I was not surprised that he died shortly after birth.

Because his story is long, I split it into three parts and I'm going to link it instead of post it all here. It would be a big read in just one post.

----------
part one
part two
part three
----------

About eight weeks after I had him I found out I Was pregnant. DH and I had been using condoms and had not intended to TTC for over a year... it was a huge surprise, and I was very scared.
There was no doubt in our minds to go unassisted again, especially since I was due to give birth only 10.5 months from my cesarean: there was no way I'd get a VBAC, especially in places that had some of hte highest c/s rates in the country.
I felt from the very beginning I Was having a girl, even from the night of conception. Many people have suggested to me this was self-defense: if I'd known I was having another boy I would have been terrified. Deep down I wanted a boy so badly, but didn't allow myself to hope for it because I felt that betrayed my first son.

To read that story, go here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=533856
My triumphant, beautiful, empowering UBAC of my second son.

photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

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#2 of 44 Old 10-15-2006, 06:10 PM
 
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OMG. I am sorry seems like a stupid thing to say but I don't know what else to say. I am so, so sorry. I cannot imagine human beings treating someone the way that hospital treated you. Unreal.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#3 of 44 Old 10-15-2006, 06:51 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss mama It breaks my heart to hear how you were treated in that hospital. I think you are a wondeful person for going unassisted and allowing your sweet babe the chance to be born and pass in the loving arms of his father. Rest peacefully sweet baby Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#4 of 44 Old 10-15-2006, 06:55 PM
 
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I am sorry mama. I don't know what else to say. what a heartwrenching story! for little beautiful baby Jericho

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#5 of 44 Old 10-15-2006, 09:46 PM
 
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Thank you for sharing your story. I learned so much from reading your journey--about life, and love, and intuition, and the power of a woman's body and a mother's love. It is heartbreaking, but inspiring in equal measure.
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#6 of 44 Old 10-16-2006, 09:33 PM
 
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Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine your heartache. It's wonderful he was with his father when he passed. I'm so sorry that they treated you so horribly. Sending you love and healing. for Jericho.
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#7 of 44 Old 10-17-2006, 12:09 AM
 
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Thanks for sharing this.

s mama.
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#8 of 44 Old 10-17-2006, 08:12 AM
 
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((HUGS))) and love to you...thank you so much for sharing your story, and yourself, with us.
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#9 of 44 Old 10-20-2006, 06:02 AM
 
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mama, I've always admired you. this story, while heartbreaking, was the story of life. it was beautiful.
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#10 of 44 Old 10-20-2006, 11:01 AM
 
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Oh, I'm so so sorry I wish there were words to make it better.
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#11 of 44 Old 10-22-2006, 03:09 AM
 
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I just wept....from one mother, one woman to another, I just wept.........then I nursed my infant baby girl, stroked her skin and held her little hand all the while thinking of you and Jericho.

Then I went outside, extended my arms and hugged the mountains of BC and embracing you all the while....hope you felt it
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#12 of 44 Old 10-22-2006, 03:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnmom View Post
I just wept....from one mother, one woman to another, I just wept.........then I nursed my infant baby girl, stroked her skin and held her little hand all the while thinking of you and Jericho.

Then I went outside, extended my arms and hugged the mountains of BC and embracing you all the while....hope you felt it
That was wonderful... thank you.
The anniversary of my son's death is coming up, and I need those hugs a lot. It was good for me to post this here.

photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

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#13 of 44 Old 10-22-2006, 03:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pamamidwife View Post
mama, I've always admired you. this story, while heartbreaking, was the story of life. it was beautiful.
You have no idea how that makes me feel, because I've admired you and all of your posts so much!

photosmile2.gifBabs + trekkie.gifCurtis - Parents of Tempest blahblah.gif(08/07/03 autismribbon.gif), Jericho angel2.gif(11/01/05 ribboncesarean.gif), Xan moon.gif(10/03/06 uc.jpghbac.gif), Zephyra baby.gif(06/02/11 hbac.gif). mdcblog5.gif @ babyslime.livejournal.com

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#14 of 44 Old 10-22-2006, 03:34 AM
 
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You have such courage. I will never forget reading Jericho's story the first time. And how angry and sad and scared and (I agree with pamamidwife) full of life it was.
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#15 of 44 Old 10-22-2006, 03:46 AM
 
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Thank you for sharing your journey with us, I have learned so much from reading your posts and send my love to you and your family as you near the anniversary. Your spirit was palpable thru your words. May your family be blessed beyond measure.

Carrie
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#16 of 44 Old 10-22-2006, 09:55 PM
 
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your story is tough. i'm so proud and happy you were able to share his life experience and that he was not alone when he left. hugs and kisses.
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#17 of 44 Old 10-23-2006, 03:31 PM
 
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I just read the entire story of Jericho's birth and Xan's birth. I am still crying--it is a powerful story. You are a strong and beautiful woman. Many, many hugs and love. Thank you.

Marja

Marja: consensual-living, unschooling, piano-teaching, doula and mom to 3 creative, independent people:
DD, 8, DS, 6, and Baby DS born July 1, 2010 Married to DH for 10 years!
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#18 of 44 Old 10-29-2006, 05:30 AM
 
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I am so glad for you. That you have found peace with your experience. I have a similar story...I'll tell you one day!

Enjoy your son....congratulations!

B
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#19 of 44 Old 10-29-2006, 06:55 AM
 
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Babs- Thank you do much for sharing your story...I was in tears not only becasue of your loss but also because of what an amazing person you are...and although this is not quite the same thing I thought I might share - when I had my second miscarriage I was also on the OB floor right by the nursery and listeing to the newborns all around me as I lost my baby is something that will always make me so sad...Thank you again for trustin gus with such a special piece of your life and enjoy your new son!!!
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#20 of 44 Old 11-01-2006, 04:25 PM
 
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I don't know what to say...thank you for being such a strong mama!
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#21 of 44 Old 11-01-2006, 04:59 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine the stupidity of Doctors. Well, I can. B/c I've experienced it.

Your story made me weep.
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#22 of 44 Old 11-01-2006, 07:00 PM
 
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Thinking of you today Babs...
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#23 of 44 Old 11-05-2006, 01:22 AM
 
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Thank you for sharing your story.

, , , and
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#24 of 44 Old 11-07-2006, 07:35 PM
 
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You have inspired me in a way I can not explain. Your story, your pain...the truth and beauty of your choices. You and you family our in my thoughts, in peace and love, held with the utmost respect.
Thankyou for sharing, what a wonderous gift.
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#25 of 44 Old 11-07-2006, 11:10 PM
 
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thank you for sharing your story. Even as I write this I sob and I feel an overwhelming desire to wake my son and hold him.
I am forever changed for having read your story.
Thinking of you often
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#26 of 44 Old 11-14-2006, 05:52 PM
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thank you for sharing your LJ story of Jerico's life with me. I was really moved by the whole story in a number of ways. But what struck me the most was how you stated that you wouldn't have chosen an abortion. I feel similarly, and i feel similarly about any number of 'complications' that could happen to the baby that i may have in the future.

people ask me why i would go unassisted, and there are many reasons, but they fear it because of the 'not knowing' and 'what ifs. . .' regarding that baby. I always felt that if i had a baby that was beyond help, then that would be ok--because every moment of that pregnancy would be that baby's life, and that is beautiful life, one full of meaning and purpose.

i'm going to read your new baby's story too now. thank you so much!
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#27 of 44 Old 11-28-2006, 08:39 AM
 
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I am so sorry for the loss of your first son, mama. I kind of wandered into this thread in a roundabout way, but didn't want to not stop & offer a hug. ((((hug))))

Aussiemumhippie.gif (40), DH caffix.gif (39), DD reading.gif (13), & DS 2whistle.gif(11).

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#28 of 44 Old 11-28-2006, 12:13 PM
 
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your story was inspiring in more ways than one. thank you, thank you.
much love
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#29 of 44 Old 11-30-2006, 03:33 AM
 
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Thank you so much for sharing your stories here. We're grateful

I have retired from administration work, so if you have a question about anything MDC-related, please contact Cynthia Mosher. Thanks!
 
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#30 of 44 Old 12-02-2006, 01:56 AM
 
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babs it was great to hear about the love that your FIRST son recieved even though he only spent a mere bit of time with you.

i was curious as to whether you had posted about your dreams and such that you talked about. i have always loved the insights you are able to get when your pregant with your kids and i hope that by reading more about him we can all carry a part of him so he does live on.
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