lack of intimacy - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 11-07-2011, 07:21 PM - Thread Starter
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I know this might be a little TMI but I have to know if I am the only one out there with a complete loss of sex drive? My first 2 pregnancies were totally different so I am left wondering what is going on? I don't know if it's hormones or what but I'm starting to feel bad for my hubby...anyone else feeling the same way??

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#2 of 19 Old 11-07-2011, 08:03 PM
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You are not alone! And I am dreading the next year, knowing that our sex life will seriously suffer. I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know that it is normal, although a bummer!! Hugs.

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#3 of 19 Old 11-08-2011, 08:15 AM
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Bless you for revealing! I am right there with you. The first half of the pregnancy I was too sick and exhausted, but assumed it would be better in the "honeymoon phase" of the late second trimester/early third. Meh, it was...but overall I have next to no desire. There is so much focus in books about how "don't worry if you are extra interested, it's totally normal" talk about being let down by that! Lol.


I think the best thing to do is to keep it in the forefront of the relationship as much as possible, as desire does seem to be very much a use it or loose it thing. I've tried to be very open about talking about how I'm feeling with DH (Minus the fear that I'm never going to want to ever again-cause really that does seem unlikely and I"m sure he's just as worried about that).

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#4 of 19 Old 11-08-2011, 09:25 AM
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I'm right there with you.  It happened with my first, so I knew what to expect.  The day I found out I was pregnant, I kissed him and said, "see you in two years".  Pregnancy and a newborn are very hard on our marriage.  That is why I waited 5 years to get pregnant again.  When I don't feel good, or "off", I don't want to be touched.  I go into myself and have a difficult time connecting with others.  We discussed all of this before becoming pregnant so that we could remind ourselves that we will have our marriage again one day.  Fortunately, we have humor and we connect frequently through that.  We stay up at night and chat and laugh together, so I still feel connected to him, but I know he feels somewhat distant from me.  It'll pass.  

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#5 of 19 Old 11-08-2011, 09:37 AM
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Yes and No for me. I am still insanely attracted to my DF, but the actual DTD part I'm not so wild about these days. Lack of being able to groom myself as much as I'd like, feeling lots of soreness and pressure down there, being really sore afterwards, and my crazy amount of discharge leave me feeling less than sexy and in the mood.


DF has been wonderful through it all. We make sure we still get lots of cuddle time, kisses and closeness. I tell him every day how much I am still attracted to him, and he seems to understand why we've had a lack of love making. But we still try to stay intimate, just not sexually right now.

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#6 of 19 Old 11-08-2011, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by wendizbaby View Post

 The day I found out I was pregnant, I kissed him and said, "see you in two years".  

Lol! I love this.  That is pretty much how things ended up for us with DS and I totally expect it to be the same this time too.  I've been on pelvic rest the majority of this pregnancy and there is something about breastfeeding that leaves me totally touched out and not in the mood.  I'm planning on making a slightly bigger effort this time to be more intimate with DH on a more frequent basis but who knows how that will go when I'm leaking milk and sleep deprived. 

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#7 of 19 Old 11-08-2011, 12:58 PM
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I have the desire, but not the energy.  And the few times we have attempted lately it's just so awkward that it's hard to have much fun :(

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#8 of 19 Old 11-09-2011, 08:04 AM
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The second trimester was a delightfully fun few months, but we are in the ridiculously-big-belly stage now and sex is not happening much these days.  I miss it and I miss the time with dh, but we are doing what we can to stay close -- lots of talking and kissing and just being together.  He is awesome and knows that this is all temporary and we'll get back to our regular selves.  Heck, we are about to have our 4th baby.  Clearly, we know how to make time for lots of intimacy.  

Frugal, food growing mama to my four loves

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#9 of 19 Old 11-09-2011, 07:02 PM - Thread Starter
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so good to hear that I am not alone!! thanks ladies:)

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#10 of 19 Old 11-09-2011, 08:51 PM
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it's been at least a few weeks or more over here...feeling kinda bad, but know it will pass ;) 

DS1 2/08, DD 1/10, DS2 12/11...#4 due October 2014
Home schooling, home birthing, breastfeeding, bed sharing family!


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#11 of 19 Old 11-09-2011, 09:54 PM
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the big belly thing....... ive found that having DP behind me and holding my belly makes it much more comfortable,joy.gif im waiting for the moment the baby rolls its little legs around and he feels it while making it hahahah then he will know maybe a fraction of what its like winky.gif

 heartbeat.gifMomma to baby boy Ember.babyf.gifborn at home 12/22/11.  Madly loving his daddy Thimble guitar.gif since 6/26/09. 

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#12 of 19 Old 11-10-2011, 10:29 AM
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Inability to practice efficient grooming, constant reflux, overheatedness, achiness in my back and hips and shooting pain in my left leg (thanks, SPD), and a sudden hairline trigger between orgasmic release and bladder release (yeah, THAT'S fun) have me feeling less-than-enthusiastic, too. =/


Honestly, I think the worst thing is the reflux and the heaving-around-extra-bulk. It's really hard to feel sexy when I am pretty constantly feeling like I'm one unfortunate burp from vomiting, and I can't lie down or it gets worse. And the whole grunting-every-time-I-need-to-move thing isn't exactly hot, either. >.<


DH is awesome and we try for intimacy in whatever ways we can get it, but... no, you're definitely not alone, lol!

Just a homegrown heretic hopelessly in love with her amazing DH, 2.5 year old Eli, and now expecting a new arrival April 2015.
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#13 of 19 Old 11-10-2011, 01:36 PM
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Oh yes, the reflux. That's a sexy one. DH keeps mentioning that we don't have to actually dtd to be sexy, and all I can think is "yes, but there's nothing sexy at ALL about feeling like I'm two seconds from throwing up... or shifting position slightly and all of a sudden feeling like my body is being ripped in two (SPD)." I get what he means... and I hate it. I feel good 'physically' as in I know he finds me super attractive, etc... and the desire is there... but the actual thought of following through just kind of makes me want to whimper. It doesn't seem fair. 

Doula mama, medic daddy and Tenley Harper born naturally 11/29/11 delayedvax.gifbfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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#14 of 19 Old 11-11-2011, 03:44 PM
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Baby kicking during sex is sure a new experience! Amid all the other discomforts, I'm just not quite so fond of sharing sex with DH and a kicking baby. Weird, weird, weird. And it's a good thing I didn't tell DH baby was practicing karate in there while DTD, because he'd definitely not touch me until long after baby is born.

Maker-mama, joyously loving my boy, Winter Rhys, born 12/2011, and our twins, Wren and Forest, born 4/2014.
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#15 of 19 Old 11-15-2011, 11:18 AM
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My sex drive has been low pretty much the whole time I've been pregnant, but it has taken a nose dive since about the middle of the second trimester (so yeah, I feel totally ripped off by all the pregnancy books, too.  I was looking forward to that!).  That said, I would TOTALLY be up for it (or snuggling and kissing and not DTD) but DH seems to have lost any desire to touch me, which is driving me nuts.  And it is really upsetting me to think that it might get WORSE after I have the baby and am breastfeeding.

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#16 of 19 Old 11-17-2011, 11:04 AM
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We still DTD three or four times a week, but I won't pretend it's always fun. orngtongue.gif The reflux thing... ugh... A lot of times I'm not "in the mood" at all, although I want to cuddle and be close, but I've learned that even if I'm not feeling it, I can still make love. I do love my DH, and I can set aside my lack of "feelings" for his needs. I have to laugh at the pregnancy books in terms of positions, though, because the one that's supposed to be just great for hugely-preggo women (side lying-rear entry) hurts like sandpaper and has for months.


There are some nights, though, that I regret having done it because I have strong Braxton Hicks the rest of the night, and have to get up to pee even more often than normal. eyesroll.gif

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#17 of 19 Old 11-17-2011, 01:01 PM
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I've found that I enjoy DP's gentle touch a lot more when I'm touched-out with the kiddos.  There is such a contrast between them -- my 2yo DD was nursing until halfway through my second trimester, and there was such a forcefulness-- almost desperation to the way DD approached my body. 


I'm still the one with the high sex drive around here.  Honestly, I haven't met a single other mother IRL who doesn't have problems with sex drive.  I feel like the odd Mom out most of the time, listening to my friends complain about their husbands wanting sex, while I'm the one who chases my husband around...  during pregnancy, DP's drive is closer to matching mine, though -- thankfully.  There are certain positions that are painful/awkward, but we've been exploring and have found several that work well.  thumb.gif    During the first six weeks+ PP, I won't have any interest and I'll be happy that DP is content. 

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#18 of 19 Old 11-17-2011, 05:22 PM
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Benny~ thats me, too. Ideal for me would be about every other day.... he's more like every other week. Luckily, he knows he'll enjoy himself once we get started so he's usually happy to oblige more often than that! I think I remember not really being into it for a while after my other kids were born but I have no idea how much of that was hormones and how much was crappy husband. DH is really snuggly and that helps a lot, too... I think part of my 'drive' is more for physical contact/attention than sex, if that makes any sense. 

~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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#19 of 19 Old 12-07-2011, 07:50 PM
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My DH does not want to DTD at all when my belly is this big. He can't get into it with the mechanics of it. I have no desire either so it works out okay, but after DD was born he *immediately* wanted to jump into high gear and it was REALLY frustrating. He was so excited that I was so "skinny" once my big belly was gone! (never mind that it took me two years to actually lose the baby weight!) Which was flattering and all, but it was well over a year before I had any sex drive again. DD nursed nonstop the entire first year of her life and  never slept more than a couple of hours at a time, so trying to fit sex in during the five minutes I wasn't breastfeeding was NOT something I was at all interested in. Honestly, I realized that year why so many human cultures are polygamous. I would have been happy to share DH with some other woman at that point! LOL! 


So right now I don't really care that he's not so interested in sex, but I am dreading after the baby comes, because then he will want it and I will not want him anywhere near me. :{ I love what you said, wendizbaby! "See you in two years." :) That sounds about right. I should talk to DH about that; wonder if he'd be okay with just accepting that's the deal for now...? lol. 

Mama to DD, my 2/24/08 BIG KID formerly known as sling baby, and DS, my 12/23/11 train-loving, wall-climbing toddler! 
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