My two-month-old son is hysterical with others. Please help! - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 3 Old 05-21-2011, 05:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
sissah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Buffalo
Posts: 33
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi! I'm so glad to have these forums, and I hope you can help me. My LO cannot be soothed by anyone other than me. If he's upset to begin with and someone other than myself tries to comfort him, he'll cried to the point of hysterics, and he doesn't stop. If someone other than me picks him up when calm, about half the time, he'll be crying within 5 to 10 minutes, and then it's on to hysterics.

It's this way with my husband (who feels terrible he can't comfort our son and has started saying he thinks our son doesn't like him), his grandparents and our sitters. Unfortunately, I have to work outside the home for one full day a week and usually two three-hour jobs a week as well (my husband and I work together, so he can't even have the familiarity of my spouse, even though he cries with him too). When I'm gone, he's unsoothable, and I feel horrible for being gone because I know he's hysterical, and I'm essentially letting him cry it out, against everything I believe.

It's to the point where last night (after picking him up from the grandparents who said he cried for most of the 9 hours he was with them), my husband said it's getting to the point where he's uncomfortable leaving him with people who aren't related to us (for fear of his safety due to someone getting so frustrated at his sobbing). Likewise, I feel awful for my four year old who is getting the short end of the stick. The only time he gets my attention is when I have the little one sleeping (usually on me in a sling or in my arms - otherwise he wakes up and cries within an hour - with the exception of at night when he cosleeps and I'm there) and when he's with another caregiver, their attention is wrapped up in trying to calm the little one, and he's not getting played with by them either.

So, I'm kind of desperate - I have no idea what to do to help him and the others trying to take care of him. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated! Thank you!

sissah is offline  
#2 of 3 Old 06-07-2011, 09:13 PM
 
blessedwithboys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,603
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)

Hope it's ok for me to reply...

 

First off, you should recognize the difference between CIO and in-arms crying.  If your db's caregiver is holding him while he cries, then he is not being allowed to CIO.  :)

 

Second, use that sling to your advantage!  Carry your babe in it near constantly while you are with him.  Train him to settle down and center in the sling.  And then require your caregivers to learn how to safely use it so that your baby will have a lovely Pavlovian response every time you must leave him.

 

I was very fortunate to never have to leave my babies in the first year or two, but I was a single mom (both times I had an infant) who quite selfishly liked to indulge in the occasional private shower or BM.  Haha.  I would have g'ma put the ultra-HN baby in the sling and walk and it kept them quite for just long enough so I could do something for myself.

 

HTH!


Bring back the old MDC
blessedwithboys is online now  
#3 of 3 Old 06-21-2011, 09:48 AM
 
DrLauraMarkham's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 96
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

So sorry it's taken me so long to answer you.  I did post an answer but it never showed up.  I think we have the technical problems solved now and am looking forward to this forum.

 

Blessed with Boys- Thanks for your terrific answer.  Slings can indeed be the solution to infant distress and care by others.

 

Sissah-  You have a baby who needs you.  He only feels safe when he's with you.  Hopefully, you can wear him most of the time, and that allows you to still interact with your four year old while the baby is asleep on you.

 

I realize that means your husband feels left out.  But hopefully he sees this as a terrific opportunity to bond with his older child.  The time will come when your baby will prefer Dad, believe it or not. But for now, encourage Dad to spend as much time with your four year old as possible.  Both of them badly need that comfort!

 

As far as leaving your little guy while you work, that is tough indeed.  Babies don't get used to being without us.  They only feel comfortable when they bond with someone new.  A baby who cries for nine hours at his grandparents is a baby who has not bonded with them so that he can feel safe and comfortable.  The good news is, he is capable of such a bond, because he has it with you.  The bad news is, it has not yet happened or he would not be inconsolable for nine hours.

 

I think BlessedWithBoy's suggestion to put him in the sling on the Grandparents is right on target.  Most infants feel safer being worn.  Will it be as good as being with you?  No.  They will move differently, sound different, smell different.  Will he protest?  Yes.  Help the grandparents to understand that he is not rejecting them, that he needs to tell them how unhappy he is and have them hear, and that listening to him, soothing him, accepting his sobbing but offering their reassurance, is precisely how they can bond with him.  If he cries and they really show up for him, he will learn to be soothed by them and to trust them. I guarantee it. 

 

By the way, this is all true for Dad as well, but it is a lot harder for Dad because your little guy knows you are nearby.  I am convinced they have a psychic connection to us and just sense our presence.  So to achieve this bonding between Dad and Baby, you and your four year old may want to plan a weekly outing.  I would recommend it anyway, because the two of you desperately need that time together without the baby.  And if you do it weekly, sooner or later your baby will begin to trust and feel comforted by his dad.  The key is that dad (just like the grandparents) needs to manage his own emotions through the crying.  In other words, instead of feeling rejected, they need to see themselves as witnesses to your baby's big feelings.  If they can embrace him and hold him while he cries without needing to shut him down, they will find that he bonds to them and the relationship transforms into one they will love.

DrLauraMarkham is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off