Sister In-laws advice, more of venting. - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: What should I do?
Tell them when everyone finds out over facebook. 1 6.67%
Wait till 3 months and tell them. 2 13.33%
Have your husband tell them. 10 66.67%
Don't tell them. 1 6.67%
Tell them and don't care what they say. 1 6.67%
Other, add comment. 0 0%
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#1 of 11 Old 06-07-2011, 02:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My sister in-law-A sat me down before I knew I was pregnant, and drilled me with questions about thinking I was pregnant. My husband and myself just spent an entire week in Louisiana with his brothers family (sister-in-law-A's family) and his sisters family...(sister-in-law-B).

 

This was our first family activity since we had been married, and first time with all of them, since we had been married with out any of their approvals or invitations...(Our third time getting engaged we just decided to skip them out on the whole thing since the all aided in calling off the other 2 engagements) sigh...not exactly what we wanted but hey, getting married was the best thing that we ever did up until this surprise. :D

 

Anyways...sister-in-law-A sat me down and drilled me, for not joking, 2 hours straight about thinking I was pregnant...after the first hour I assured her I wasn't pregnant and that wasn't why we got married, apologized for getting eloped and the whole shabang. The second hour consisted of her telling me what a relief it was that I wasn't pregnant and that if I was than she hoped I would do 'everything' I could to prevent us from having a baby if I was? Because, if I was pregnant it would just rip the family apart. Informed me that no-one likes me and they are all just being nice and trying for my husband. She said a lot of other hurtful things but I won't focus on those. She's moving to Pennsylvania. (she married into the family after 2 weeks of knowing kolby's brother and was only engaged for 2 weeks and than became pregnant 2 weeks after they where married, now she has 6 kids)

 

Sister-in-law-B would always call my husband and say run, run, run over and over again, tell him how much she didn't like me...constantly, and she lives in Kentucky and had met me once and we went sledding with the family?

 

Well my family is so excited and we had no problems telling them anything. In fact my Dad called the whole family before I had the chance to even tell anyone. Ha ha. We told his parents after his mom confronted us about a dream on mothers day, and they where really emotionless about the whole thing and as weeks go on get more and more excited. Seeing how they live to be grandparents to their other 10 grand-baby's...will be all gone and far away at the end of June. 

 

My whole question of this situation is how and when do I tell the sister-in-laws who are not the founders of my fan club that I am pregnant now and 10 weeks along (been married 12 weeks now). How do I explain that I didn't know when she asked me that I was pregnant. They both made me feel very uncomfortable with everything they say, and now I feel like I am constantly trying to be approved. The thing is, is I want to just say F**K off but it really means a lot to my husband that I continue to improve the whole situation he says once they really know me they will like me. I'm just scared has anyone else gone threw a situation like this?

 

The reason behind the families dislike for me...is that Kolby is a recovering addict. We've been together 3 years, and threw the years we have been together, we have been him fighting his addictions. He has been clean for over a 1 year now. But he admitted to me that the reason his family didn't like me was because that when he was heavily using he told them it was all my fault and he said he would describe the things he hated about him with my name. It is something that we have continued to work threw, but he painted an image of me that wasn't true to people who didn't know me, because he wasn't thinking...

 

What can I do in this situation, do I wait and make sure I don't miscarry before I tell them, how long do I wait, how do I say it, should I wait till sister-in-law-A moves away so she can't do much damage? I feel like this is a no-win situation.

 

His parents put a lot of pressure on me to tell them sooner than later saying it will be worse the longer we wait. Even though she's not a fan either, but I REALLY have been working my but off the last 4 months giving her the chance to know the real me too, and so far it has been working.


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#2 of 11 Old 06-07-2011, 03:14 PM
 
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Well IMO you are Kolby's wife and you should come before any and all of his other family. They not only shouldn't have the opportunity to judge you and ridicule you, they shouldn't even be thinking these things. Kolby needs to be a man confess his lies and tell everyone they have NO business talking down to or about you.

 

The reality is this can be hard for a man, especially one who has been through a lot. My DH's fam is relentless in persecuting me for one thing or another...we have been together 9 years! Things have happened between SIL and I specifically that I would never eve forgive my own sister for..DH just started finally sticking up for me...and it stinks. He should have been doing it form the start. He never should have let things get out of hand. If I had it my way we would have written them all off a long time ago and if it were my fam doing it to him we would have written them off. So no advice really just people can be very difficult sometimes. I just try to humble myself and kill them with kindness.

 

As far as the pregnancy goes who cares what SIL will say? It won't matter to her that you are 10 weeks pregnant I am sure in her mind you got married b/c you were pregnant. (well once she finds out) Some people you can not reason with...


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#3 of 11 Old 06-07-2011, 03:47 PM
 
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I agree with everything the PP said. You need to block them out to the extent you can. It took my DH over 10 years before he started seeing the things his mother was doing to me and to stand up for me (my MIL is very passive-aggressive). I was constantly trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could have reacted differently in order to get along with her. It was not worth it.  Nothing I did was going to change her opinion or her personality. They were her issues, not mine.  I suggest you not apologize or explain yourself to them.  Just be matter of fact about everything and be friendly, but don't kill youself trying to get them to like you. As hard as it is, try to not let it get to you and seek support through your friends and family. And if they are flat out rude or mean to you, let your DH deal with them.

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#4 of 11 Old 06-07-2011, 04:58 PM
 
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I would have your dh tell them your wonderful news after he makes it perfectly clear that you were the one who stuck by him through his addictions and are the love of his life.  If they have a problem and give any issues or are mean, then you have every right to ignore them and cut them out and hope that one day they will be adult enough to have a good relationship.  Also if she tries another "sit down' with you again you don't have to sit there and take it.  I would just say something like 'unless you are apologizing for the way you have been treating me we have nothing to talk about".


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#5 of 11 Old 06-07-2011, 08:53 PM
 
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Having had a previous DH with a toxic family, I have to echo the advice that you need to let/force HIM to deal with them.  You should not be backed into a corner by your sisters in law and forced to defend yourself all by yourself.

 

Let him tell them.  Not that I think they need some kind of special announcement.  And, as previous posters have mentioned, it's not your job to apologize for what you did if you and your husband believed you were doing the right thing for the two of you (eloping, getting pregnant, whatever.)  

 

I've had to sever ties with both in-laws and some of my own family members, and let me tell you, my life has been a HECK of a lot less stressful once I got up the guts to do it.  Life is too short for garbage like that. 


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#6 of 11 Old 06-08-2011, 08:50 AM
 
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Oh boy, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.  :/  I faced a similar, but less severe (and minus a pregnancy during that time), situation with my in-laws and it's no fun. 

 

I agree with people above that this is your husband's issue and not yours.  You shouldn't have to put up with put-downs and criticisms from your in-laws.  It's your husband's place to stand up for you and deal with his family.  That said, he might not do it.  Mine never did.  Either way, though, it's important for you and your husband to be able to talk about it together.

 

On the flip side, it is his family.  I would have liked to write off my in-laws, but out of respect for my husband I made the best I could of the situation. As people said above, you can be respectful while not giving in to their pointed questions and ridicule.  Leave the room when you need to. Maybe don't always go when he sees his family, if possible, or leave on an outing by yourself. For me, after probably about eight years of this and due to some other family dynamics, my in-laws finally accepted me, but we're still not close to them like we are my family-- even my husband is closer to my parents than his own. 

 

It sounds like your in-laws are concerned and hurt by the things your husband has been through.  They don't know how to handle it, so now they're blaming you because it's easier (but obviously less effective) for them than actually talking to your husband about it.  Hopefully your husband can initiate that conversation and at least give them his perspective on the situation, including the pregnancy and your excitement about it.  Whether he does or not, perhaps they'll come around and accept the situation anyway, even if they never embrace it and even if it takes years.  And if not, or until then, just wash your hands of it as much as you can.  It sounds like your family is excited and supportive.  Focus on them and that amazing new life growing inside of you!!

 

Dana

 

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#7 of 11 Old 06-08-2011, 10:30 AM
 
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Even if what he said to his family was true about you, they still have no right to "sit you down" and tell you that they don't like you and so on. That's not acceptable and your DH has to put you first in this case. He needs to tell his family it's his life. I would have him share the news. It doesn't matter what they think of you. They either love you unconditionally as part of their family and support yours and Dh's marriage (through good and bad), or they keep their comments to themselves. DH might have to choose you over his own family....at least until they are evolved enough to express their concerns without pushing you both away. 

 

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#8 of 11 Old 06-08-2011, 01:36 PM
 
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Addiction is a family disease. His family is sick, and you will need support in handling them.

I would respectfully suggest that you look into al-anon and hit up a meeting. It will help you support K in his recovery, and will also help you understand his family.

I would also suggest that you consider setting a boundary with K. He needs to understand that if his family causes you pain, you have the right to leave and he has to be on your sideif that happens. Is he in a 12 step program? If he is, then he might also want to talk with his sponsor about setting some healthy boundaries with his family.
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#9 of 11 Old 06-08-2011, 02:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everybody for your support and comments! You all are great. :) DH went to his family today and our SIL-A was there and he sat her down and talked to her. He said she didn't have much to say after it and pretty much sat there and then left. Later her DH called and apologized. 

 

@joyfulgrrrl  DH is adopted and I see more codependency than addiction with his family. DH and I go to LDS (Mormon) 12 step, and I as well as go to LDS family support (for codependents specifically) and I personally work threw the steps in both programs, it really has helped significantly with our relationship and I would also recommend anyone who is going threw a similar situation to go to any support or 12 step meeting too. Thank you. :) As for setting boundaries with his family...that's the hard part. They talk down to him and treat him as if he was still their 14 year old son, and because of the distrust they don't exercise trust or respect for him as a human being (part of the codependency) they basically think they can control them and they go crazy when a surprise like having a baby comes up.


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belly.gifCapri expected 1/26/14

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#10 of 11 Old 06-08-2011, 04:16 PM
 
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Good update! It doesn't matter her reaction, it just matters that your DH is sticking up for his new family.

 

Codependency is sort of like an addiction....you're addicted to another person! 

 

 


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#11 of 11 Old 06-08-2011, 05:43 PM
 
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Yay, great update!  And good talk about addiction stuff, too.  That has been a (secret) part of our family drama as well.  It sounds like your family is handling it much better than my in-laws do(n't).  It sounds like you're on a good path.  :D

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