"Excuse me?!" A thread to vent about all the weird, rude and inappropriate things people have said about your pregnancy - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 127 Old 06-11-2011, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know what it is about pregnancy and children that make people think they can say whatever they want.  I've gotten quite a few strange comments and questions.  I've only really told the friends that I see in person and my family.  I haven't announced it on facebook yet, but I'm sure there are more weird comments in store for me when I do.  I know it's going to get even worse when I am obviously pregnant, because then strangers will want to tell me what they think about it.  

 

To be fair, most of my friends have been delighted about the news and have been nothing but polite, but here are some of the inappropriate comments I've gotten so far.

 

"Were you trying?"

How is that ever an appropriate thing to ask?  

 

"Are you happy?"

WTH??  Would I be smiling about the news if I hated it?  If I was unhappy about it would I be sharing the news with my friends?  That one feels rude when people say it, but it's also so confusing to me. 

 

"You're gonna want an epidural."

If one more woman says this to me I am going to flip out.  Thanks for predicting my future, lady.  Just because you wanted an epidural doesn't mean every other woman in the entire world does too.

 

The one that irritated me the most was a comment from a childless male acquaintance of mine.  At a friend's bbq one of the dogs was staring me down while I ate.  I said "NO" to get her to back off.  The male acquaintance said, "Oh, you better get used to saying that a lot for the next twenty years."  

I usually try to be kind to people, but this time I went with my snarky gut instinct and said, "How many kids do you have?  None?  Thanks for the parenting advice."  

 

What kind of weirdness and rudeness  have you gotten from people?  Do you have any good comebacks? And what is it about being pregnant that makes everyone think they get to chime in with whatever comes to mind?

 

 

 

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#2 of 127 Old 06-11-2011, 05:11 PM
 
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An ex-friend wrote on her blog that she thinks I am more into pregnancy and childbirth than actually being a parent.

 

Other than that gem, I have been pleasantly surprised by the lack of rude comments.

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#3 of 127 Old 06-11-2011, 05:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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@softlysinging  Wow.  That's incredibly rude.  I can see why she's an ex-friend.  

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#4 of 127 Old 06-11-2011, 06:22 PM
 
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I just keep getting the "was this planned" comment.  We just started foster caring AND dh is in nursing school, so I guess I can understand where they are coming from.  Seriously though, it is a RUDE question. 


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#5 of 127 Old 06-11-2011, 06:25 PM
 
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I don't know if I would call this rude but definately awkward..

 

My husband and I have been together for 9 years but just actually got married last month.  It happens that I found out the day we got back from our honeymoon/vacation that I was pregnant. So now everyone I see makes the comment "Gee, you guys didnt waste anytime!" or "That must have been one hell of a honeymoon!"

 

There is no right response to those!!


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#6 of 127 Old 06-11-2011, 07:03 PM
 
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I've had a few "was this planned?" responses and one "I'm just really worried about how you'll be able to afford three kids."

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#7 of 127 Old 06-11-2011, 08:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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@ sarah_bella and jessica_lizette I feel like the "were you trying" question I've gotten is basically the same as "was it planned.  I cannot fathom why people want to know whether our pregnancies were planned or not.  Seriously.  What is the impetus behind this question?  Any guesses?

 

@chilichiki I don't know how I'd respond to that.  If it was an acquaintance or coworker, my instinct would be to maintain eye contact without smiling or talking until the speaker realizes how incredibly inappropriate that is.  I guess if it was a friend of mine I might just make an even more crass remark right back.  You're right though, it doesn't seem like any response is really perfect.  

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#8 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 12:07 AM
 
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I haven't heard any yet, but I know they are coming since this will make us a "BIG" family.

 

THings I have heard in the past: "You know what causes that, don't you?"  "Maybe you need a T.V. in your bedroom." "wow you really have your hands full."


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#9 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 04:18 AM
 
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I told my professor I was pregnant so she wouldn't think I had gone off the deep end, and she asked: "Were you planning this?"  I found it amusing and felt like answering back: "Does it matter?"

 

I also got my tummy touched for the first time without being asked, by a friend who knows I'm pregnant.  It felt SOOO invasive and I'm considering getting one of those "Touch the bump, get a thump" t-shirts.

 

Any suggestions for funny/snarky comebacks from you veteran moms???


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#10 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 07:18 AM
 
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I try not to get too bent out of shape about the comments.  I'm in law enforcement, so I work with a bunch of guys.  And they say all kinds of goofy, rude, and off-the-wall things...  I just blow it off or say something rude back.  I don't get many comments from total strangers, though, and I'm not sure how I'd handle them.

 

My standard response for people who say "You know what causes that, right?" is "Yeah, I guess we need to find a new hobby..."

 

Last time, because I let people know I was planning a natural birth with no meds, I had men (MEN!), who told me that I had no idea what contractions are like.  Yeah, and you do?  *snort*  That said, all my guy friends think I'm Wonder Woman for pushing out a 9lb 7 oz baby with a 14.5" head.  With no drugs.  I swear, though, I'm so competitive sometimes I think I'd have gone natural if it had killed me, just because I told everyone I was going to!  lol.gif

 

Now I'm getting lots of disparaging comments about twins.  Like, "better you than me!" or "Wow, you're going to be HUGE!".  At least while it's early though, I can point out the offender's beer gut and say, "I've got two babies in there.... What's your excuse?"


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#11 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 07:22 AM
 
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"don't you know what causes that?"  

yes, and we're very good at it!

I thought I did but I stopped using his toothbrush months ago!

well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and have too much to drink...

 

"was this planned?"

let's talk about the last time YOU had sex!

 

"you sure do have your hands full" 

full hands and a full heart

full of blessings!

 

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#12 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 08:37 AM
 
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Originally Posted by squidink View Post

@ sarah_bella and jessica_lizette I feel like the "were you trying" question I've gotten is basically the same as "was it planned.  I cannot fathom why people want to know whether our pregnancies were planned or not.  Seriously.  What is the impetus behind this question?  Any guesses?

 

@chilichiki I don't know how I'd respond to that.  If it was an acquaintance or coworker, my instinct would be to maintain eye contact without smiling or talking until the speaker realizes how incredibly inappropriate that is.  I guess if it was a friend of mine I might just make an even more crass remark right back.  You're right though, it doesn't seem like any response is really perfect.  



It totally is the same thing, it's like they need to gauge wheither or not they should be happy for you.  I just say does it matter?  It's enough to let them know they are being rude.

 

I'm also getting a lot of "I bet you hope it's a boy" right in front of my girls.  I like to tell them I'm really hoping it will be a puppy.

 


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#13 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 09:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It totally is the same thing, it's like they need to gauge wheither or not they should be happy for you.  I just say does it matter?  It's enough to let them know they are being rude.

 

I'm also getting a lot of "I bet you hope it's a boy" right in front of my girls.  I like to tell them I'm really hoping it will be a puppy.

 


I love "I hope it's a puppy."  That's hilarious.

 

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#14 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 10:07 AM
 
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You guys crack me UP!!!  ROTFLMAO.gif 

 

I loved "well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and have too much to drink..."  That should shut them all up!  :)

 

I wonder what comments I'll get from my in-laws and family friends when they find out that: a) there will be no u/s, b) we won't find out the sex of the baby in utero, c) we'll be having a home birth, d) we won't be circumcising, e) I'll be ingesting the placenta, and f) there will be no visits for six weeks.  THAT'S going to be amusing...


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#15 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 10:13 AM
 
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This is our 4th in 4 years and we have been getting snarky comments like "don't you know what causes that" since the 2nd... I just say "well, we don't have cable and have a lot of unprotected sex... do you really think that could be causing it?" without smiling and then they feel like a dumb ass.


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#16 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 10:28 AM
 
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 Thrilled to see this thread. I haven't gotten many comments yet because we have told only a small handful of people. But I know I will get TONS. I am 45 and my kids are 21 and 17 so I can only imagine the things people will say about starting over, were you trying, and about my age. I am generally pretty snarky right back when people say foolish things in general but I think I will have to come up with some good one liners ahead of time.


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#17 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 10:55 AM
 
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I had my first at 16 and my second at 24, and believe me when I tell you that people say some really stupid things to young parents, since they think that we somehow owe the world an explaination. My favorite response to ''Was it planned?'' was ''were you?'' and if the response was yes I'd make some comment about how disappointing it must be to have wanted a kid who turned out to have such terrible manners. Harsh, yes, but I don't think there are any circumstances where being rude to a perfect stranger is ok.

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#18 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 12:53 PM
 
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I guess I'm in the minority here, but I don't mind at all when people I know ask if it was planned (a stranger would be a different story).  Maybe it would make a difference if we ever had an unplanned pregnancy, but we've always had to "try", so it definitely says something about the experience leading up to the pregnancy.  And I think I have my hands full with just one-- I'd definitely agree with anyone who said I'm going to have my hands full!  I think people are just trying to relate. 

 

My husband and I got married when we were 20 and people always asked if I was pregnant or, later, how many kids we had-- obviously assuming we got married because of an unexpected pregnancy.  Tacky!  Nine wonderful and adventurous years later we had our daughter.

 

This pregnancy is after a miscarriage for us.  A couple people we told said things like "good luck," which just rubbed me the wrong way.  I have enough anxiety for us all, and from other people optimism and excitement is appreciated.  It was the miscarriage that wasn't good news; a pregnancy is!

 

One humorous reply: when we asked our daughter (2 1/2) if she thought it would be a girl or boy, after much thought she announced it will be a hippopotamus!

 

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#19 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 02:19 PM
 
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I have standard responses to people for sure.

 

When people ask if I know what causes it I reply, "Yes, but I love it so much I just can't help myself orngbiggrin.gif"  Big grin and all.  I have actually had people tell me that was a rude thing to say, or how dare I say that, at which point I respond, "well if the truth hurts, you shouldn't be so rude either."

 

About the T.V. comment. I either say, "well, that is what commercials are for." or, "It was on, we just ignored it."  OR  "Who said we were in the bedroom?"

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#20 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 03:39 PM
 
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About the T.V. comment. I either say, "well, that is what commercials are for." or, "It was on, we just ignored it."  OR  "Who said we were in the bedroom?"



That's how we keep our other kids occupied ;)

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#21 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 06:50 PM
 
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I wonder what comments I'll get from my in-laws and family friends when they find out that: a) there will be no u/s, b) we won't find out the sex of the baby in utero, c) we'll be having a home birth, d) we won't be circumcising, e) I'll be ingesting the placenta, and f) there will be no visits for six weeks.  THAT'S going to be amusing...


Those are the comments that bug me...  Not the rude pregnancy comments, but when people feel like they can comment on your lifestyle just because you're bringing a baby into the world.  I also hate how people feel free to criticize first-time (and sometimes experienced) parents on how they're going to be raising their kids.  My ILs are totally NOT supportive of no tv, no CIO, no junk food, and some of the other "strange" things that we do.  I would never dream of telling someone, especially someone who didn't ask, how they should be raising their child!


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#22 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 07:43 PM
 
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"Are you happy?"

WTH??  Would I be smiling about the news if I hated it?  If I was unhappy about it would I be sharing the news with my friends?  That one feels rude when people say it, but it's also so confusing to me. 

 

Just to give you the flip side...I work for a local organization that helps women with PPD/PPAD and the vast majority of our volunteers had fairly severe PPAD back in the day.  So I generally ask (with a smile - just in case it is!) "Is this good news?" so they can either smile and jump up and down or cry on my shoulder.  Years of working with women in these cases has taught me that the standard "Congratulations!  You must be so incredibly happy!" spiel isn't always the case.  But, then again, I know their history and can read their faces if they're smiling when they tell me they're pregnant.  Just trying to clarify the possible other side. :)


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#23 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 09:21 PM
 
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montessorimama= I LOVE the idea of the "Touch the bump, get a thump" shirt!! I can't stop laughing about it!


Mother of one hyperactive little boy bouncy.gif(9/07) and expecting baby number 2 (Henry Magnus!) on January 25th.

 

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#24 of 127 Old 06-12-2011, 10:16 PM
 
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My husband bought me a shirt that said touch the belly loose a hand. Its my fave to wear in pregnancy.

 

People ask us if this is planned and I dead serious look at them and say yes. Everything is planed.

We also get the dont you know how it happens? Yes! We are VERY good at it!

You guys need to get fixed! I didnt know we were broken......

You ARE done after this right? done with what?

 

I could go on and on lol people are just rude!

 

 


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#25 of 127 Old 06-13-2011, 08:11 AM
 
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The worste we have gotten is" So what did you guys have to do?" Mainly becuase this is our first pregnancy and DD (5) is adopted. But really like I am going to go into all of our infertility struggles with you? DH had a great comeback though that not everyone can say their child was conceived in a Dr. exam room. LOL

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#26 of 127 Old 06-13-2011, 08:24 AM
 
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I think a great response to all those "You're gonna have your hands full," or "Oooh, you don't know what you're getting yourselves into" type comments would be to immediately look really upset and concerned and say, "Oh, no.  Do you really think so?  Hmmm...maybe I should consider giving it up for adoption then.  I didn't know it would be hard work to parent 2/3/4 (etc.) kids."

 

I mean, really.  Do they think you haven't even thought about it?  Sheesh!

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#27 of 127 Old 06-13-2011, 09:30 AM
 
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biglaugh.gif Loving some of your responses! 

When we announced our third pregnancy over speaker phone with MIL & step-FIL, there were several beats of silence, and then ... "Wow." from MIL and, "You've figured out the cause of this, right?" from step-FIL. Eventually, they got around to congratulating us. We weren't looking forward to telling them this time around - they were the LAST in the family to find out.  This time around, I announced to them in person because we're in-state.  We used an oversized mother's day card with the three girls' handprints with birth dates and a question mark with my EDD.   7yo DD had to point it out, and once she got it, MIL just seemed confused and kept saying another pregnancy wasn't even on her radar.  It took her at least 15 min. of going on like that until she finally said congratulations.

 

 FIL & step-MIL did better, but then FIL had to add a recommendation for DP to go see the particular MD in town who had performed his vasectomy.  Geez.irked.gif

 

I was asked by a stranger at a meal following a FUNERAL and BURIAL recently:  "Y'all know what causes this, right?"  followed by a chuckle and a disclaimer that it was his Lexapro talking.

 

During my previous (third) pregnancy, an old friend of DP's and mine commented on one of my FB belly photos, "You two need to stop humping."  CLassy, buddy.  A year and a half later, he was announcing the birth of his first son.  Haven't seen offensive comments since, so we're hoping he's growing up ...

 

LOTS of people have asked if we were trying.  People often tell me that I have my arms/hands full when I am grocery shopping, etc. with my three girls.  I get more comments on how wonderful my Maya sling is, though, and how helpful and smart a tool it is for getting around with little ones, wish they'd had one back-when, etc. 

 

 I'll have to keep all of your posts in mind as I respond from here on out ...


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#28 of 127 Old 06-13-2011, 10:55 AM
 
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We haven't told most people yet (waiting until after we get married), but my future mother-in-law was in town for a visit last week, and we were all out shopping one day and I made a comment about how I needed to get a bigger bra.  Later that night, she said, "Don't get mad if I ask you this, but are you pregnant?"  I feigned offense and said, "DF, I can't believe she would offend me like that!" (Sarcastically.    His SIL has said that his mom has offended her more than once, but won't tell anyone WHAT she said that was so offensive, so now we joke that I feel left out because she hasn't tried to offend me.  But I digress...)  Then she said, "You know, that's one of the first things that happens when you get pregnant, your boobs get bigger."  It took everything I had not to say in return, "Yeah, I've only been pregnant three times - more than you - but I NEVER KNEW that my boobs would get bigger when I was pregnant!"


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#29 of 127 Old 06-13-2011, 07:10 PM
 
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"Really?! Are you finally going to be done with this one?!"  One of my coworkers reacted with absolute disgust and shock when he found out I was pregnant.  He followed up by asking if I was going to get a tubal ligation after the baby is born, and rolled his eyes when I said no.

 

Not my favorite person, obviously. But then again, he wasn't to begin with.

 

Since this is #4 I'm already planning my responses to the more common rude remarks made about large families.

 

"Don't you know what causes that?"    "Yes, and clearly I'm good at it."

 

"Are they ALL yours?"    "Yes, Kids R Us was having a two-for-one sale."

 

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#30 of 127 Old 06-13-2011, 09:33 PM
 
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My fav response to the are they all yours question: nope! I robbed a day care! Stops them dead in their tracks and gives me time to smile and walk away.

wombjuice likes this.

Navy wife, mama of 3 girls, 3 boys, 2 kitties and wanting more. No vax, no circ, trying to live as natural as  we can. We are working on it
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