Hubbys in the delivery room - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 53 Old 09-13-2011, 10:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
montessorimama1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 709
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)

I've been wondering a somewhat (ok, a very) personal question lately... If your DH is present at the birth and witnesses the whole thing, does that change the way he views you from a sexual perspective? 

 

What I mean is: dads used to be absent from the birthing room, and this would keep intact their image of their wife from a sexual viewpoint.  Guys are sooooooo visual (and let's face it, sometimes kinda primal when it comes to sexuality), and I can't imagine what the image of a child coming out from between his wife's legs would do to a man's psyche... Any thoughts?


Happy housewife and mom to big Z, born at home 1/2012. m/c 07/14 @ 5w and happy to get back to trying!  
montessorimama1 is offline  
#2 of 53 Old 09-13-2011, 11:17 PM
 
moonSnail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: in the land of raindrops and mushrooms
Posts: 185
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This is such an interesting question and I was so curious about it myself!  Of course, men are all different and I think it depends on his own perspective on sex and motherhood and how he feels about the change.... what he comes to the table with so to speak.... but I can tell you how it went for us.

 

My husband was present at the birth (at home) and witnessed not only the birth itself but a substantial amount of damage to that whole area.  I started bleeding while in the birthing tub and had to get out... my contractions stopped and I had to push quickly without them because the midwives needed to know how much blood I was losing.  The midwife basically pulled him out once they got ahold of his shoulders.  He was 9lbs, 14oz and didn't come out easily.  I didn't feel a thing! (birth hormones are awesome) but my body didn't fair so well.  I ended up needing to go to the hospital afterwards for stitching... a lot of it.  My husband was there for the whole thing, even the surgery. 

 

It took me a full six weeks to heal and the entire time my husband was enamored.  He was so proud of me and had this new perspective of me as some kind of warrior goddess!  He was more affectionate and in love with me I think than ever before.  I think he couldn't wait to have sex.... although sadly for him, it was a loooong time.  I think also, where I messed up.... is that I had a hard time returning that affection.  I was absorbed by my new son and I felt inadequate in caring for him because my recovery was so hard.  I was busy feeling less-than when my husband wanted me more than ever.  I also had a hard time separating my sexual self from my mother self.  It was much easier for him.  This is what I want to remember with the next baby.... that I am still a sexual creature.  My body is beautifully multipurpose... and my husband needs my attention, too!  It's so hard with those hormones a-raging out of control. 

 

I think men who are sensitive and involved, who have awe for the tremendous feat that you are about to accomplish will have nothing but respect and reverence for the woman that birth has transformed you into.  I think that most likely the man who is excited to be at the birth of his child will be the same man that will see and and acknowledge that transformation as sexy, too.

 

 

moonSnail is offline  
#3 of 53 Old 09-13-2011, 11:42 PM
 
Devaskyla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: in my great new home
Posts: 4,693
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My husband was not only there, he caught ds2. (I caught ds3). I just asked him & he says it didn't affect his view of me at all, unless it was positively because it was amazing to watch. He can't think of anything negative.

 

I know there are men out there who can't handle it, but imo they're generally very immature and are also the type to consider the woman's body "theirs". The same kind of guys who get pissy about their partner breastfeeding because they don't want to share.

Youngfrankenstein likes this.

mom to all boys B: 08/01ribboncesarean.gif,  C: 07/05 uc.jpg, N: 03/09 uc.jpg, M: 01/12 uc.jpg and far too many lost onesintactlact.gifsaynovax.gif

Devaskyla is offline  
#4 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 05:07 AM
 
Healthy_Baby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 269
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

my husband was (and will) be present for every birth.  When I was pregnant with my first I remember thinking I would either A.  intentionally be positioned away from him or B. just let him choose how much he wanted to see.    I think B is they way to go.  you just can't force a guy to handle what he's not ready to handle when it comes to this stuff.  Now I didn't tear at all with either (and i'm not some beast of a woman with a huge vagina - i was very blessed) so that might have helped in it not leaving any 'grossness'.  but everything changes during birth - i don't bear my mid-drift or cleavage to anyone other then my husband and kids but was shocked that i was walking around nude during labor! shine.gif

 

my own perspective of birth might have an impact on him too - to me, giving birth i'm at the very peak of my sexual ability!  I've procreated and now delivering the evidence of my sexuality.  

 

our modern society has twisted it so sickly that it now means the very opposite thing - you have a baby = you're no longer sexy.  Not in my house.  And we're not even "pregnant Goddess worshipers" - just Jesus loving Christians! lol.gif

 

 

 

 


Creative - Wife to heartbeat.gif mother to 4  biggrinbounce.gif bouncy.gif jog.gif3rdtri.gifhomebirth.jpgwinner.jpgfamilybed1.gifhomeschool.gif and always praying.gif. (Learning Grace and patience)
 
 

Healthy_Baby is offline  
#5 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 06:33 AM
 
AfricanQueen99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,657
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaskyla View Post

I know there are men out there who can't handle it, but imo they're generally very immature and are also the type to consider the woman's body "theirs". The same kind of guys who get pissy about their partner breastfeeding because they don't want to share.

Wow.  That is so judgmental and truly unfair.  I generally agree with many of your posts, Devaskyla, but this was just out of line.

 

My husband said that he was surprised to witness my daughter's birth because, like a PP, there was a lot of damage and a lot of stitches to repair the area.  With my son there was *way* more damage and husband came out fine, but he had an idea of what to expect.  So, IMO, it's not about immaturity, it's about not knowing what may happen.  The area can be swollen, multi-colored, ripped, etc...and if he didn't know that going in why wouldn't he be surprised?  Both births only affected MY end of our sexual relationship.  If you're one to get stitches you'll know what I mean - nothing about the whole area feels good for a long time.

 

FWIW, my husband stood by my side every day that I nursed both kids and doesn't consider my body "his."  He even empathized with me as my daughter had a forced medical weaning and my son weaned on his own when my milk dried up due to this pregnancy.
 

 


Angela
Chatty Girl - 3/2006, Lovey Boy - 1/2010, Delicious Baby Girl - 1/2012
AfricanQueen99 is offline  
#6 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 08:15 AM
 
Conchobhar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 605
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:

Originally Posted by moonSnail View Post

 

I think he couldn't wait to have sex.... although sadly for him, it was a loooong time.  I think also, where I messed up.... is that I had a hard time returning that affection.  I was absorbed by my new son and I felt inadequate in caring for him because my recovery was so hard.  I was busy feeling less-than when my husband wanted me more than ever.  I also had a hard time separating my sexual self from my mother self.  It was much easier for him.  This is what I want to remember with the next baby.... that I am still a sexual creature.  My body is beautifully multipurpose... and my husband needs my attention, too!  It's so hard with those hormones a-raging out of control. 

 

 

^^  This was my issue, too.  I had absolutely no libido through the pregnancy and then towards the end of the pregnancy, DH couldn't wrap his head around sex with his kid in the middle (yes, it's safe, etc...it was just something he couldn't get over).  After the birth, he couldn't WAIT and I still had no libido, poor guy.  I had the above issue with having a hard time separating my mommy-self from the sexual-self.  I was also SURE that things had changed down there for the worse and kept asking him if it felt different, but he said it didn't.  shrug.gif

 

But if you think your DH is going to have an issue with it, talk to him about it.  Maybe he doesn't know what to expect, either?  Or maybe he's afraid he's going to hurt your girly bits, after they've gone through trauma?
 

 

imakecutebabies likes this.

Wife to Phil, Mom to Saoirse (3/09), and Niamh (1/12)  waterbirth.jpg.crochetsmilie.gif
 

Conchobhar is offline  
#7 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 08:20 AM
 
Psmythe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 126
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My husband did some research and reported to me that he didn't want to see the business end of things, because there's a much higher divorce rate for couples when the man sees his 'holy grail' as a trauma site. (I have no link to back him up.  No idea where he gets his information.)  His plan was to stay 'topside' and support me/be with me while the midwives handled the rest of it.

He changed his mind in the birthing room, said it was really cool, and was glad to be involved in that part of the process too.  I personally can't imagine NOT having my husband with me during birth. 

 

On the other hand I know a few progressive men who were excited to be involved in and present for the birth, but felt pressured to catch or cut the cord when they weren't interested in that.  It lessened their enjoyment of a special moment with their wives/girlfriends.  The assumption that birth friendly = cool with gore is not to be made lightly.

 

I had a vacuum assisted birth after several hours of pushing (otherwise invtervention/drug free), and ended up with a third degree tear.  45 minutes of stitching later we were finally able to start nursing.  I can tell you that he was horrified FOR me, having nothing to compare the idea of that wound to, but certainly not horrified OF me!  My tear healed nicely, we struggled to wait 6 weeks before engaging in intercourse again, and he doesn't at all find me less appealing.  If anything he is in greater awe of my body, and practically worships it.

 

We prepared ourselves with humor before hand, recycling a joke a friend made about her husband "Slipping the doctor $100 to stitch her up tighter than before."  Sorry if that's too much, it's crass I know... but we found it funny, and it was a good way for us to deal with the strange ideas women and men are given about the after effects of birth.  I've actually heard someone say "Enjoy it now, because your body won't be the same once you have kids."  I think it's terrible to set women up with a bad body image about the 'damage' they're doing to their body before it happens.  Change DOES NOT = Damage!  Some women feel more secure in their sexuality after giving birth!  And if you don't, that's ok too.  There's a lot going on in and around your body at that time. 

 

As for your partner's view of things, he may or may not be comfortable with seeing something that awesome (remember that awesome includes staggering in its definition), it may take some work for him/you to decide together what to expect.  Men are subject to just as much speculation and myth of what a 'train wreck' their partners bodies will become after birthing children, whether they see that happen firsthand or not.  It may be demystifying for him to witness it, or as my husband's statistical anecdote shows it may be too much.  I think it's important to talk about before hand, but just as important to be realistic about his squeamishness level, visual memory, etc...

 

Psmythe is offline  
#8 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 08:36 AM
 
freestylemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 504
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I had a really awesome first birth experience.  DH was my main source of support.  We had two midwives there as well- one knitted almost the entire time and would say things like, "you're doing great" if I asked.  She also did a couple of heartbeat checks with the doppler.  The other took amazing pictures of the labor and birth.  I honestly can't imagine having a baby without my DH there.  We have a really wonderful relationship and he's my best friend and has always been nothing but supportive and awesome.  DH caught DD when she came out and it was just a really beautiful experience.  He will be just as active in this little sweetie's birth.  My DH is probably not totally typical though.  We also had a more exciting sex life after our DD was born.  It certainly took a while to get the ball rolling again and for everything to stop hurting (b/c I tore), but I can truly say that our sex life is terrific and I really don't think him being at DD's birth impacted it at all. 

 

All of that said, I know people whose partners were there who actually made things more difficult for them.  A good friend of mine was on the brink of a divorce and she's convinced that having her ex's "support" is largely related to her hospital transfer and c-section.  I think it's probably a good thing for a guy who can't handle just being supportive and not making it about himself and what he's going to see/feel to just remove himself and let someone supportive take on that role.

 

 


Healthcare is a human right!
freestylemama is offline  
#9 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 04:52 PM
 
Devaskyla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: in my great new home
Posts: 4,693
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm not talking about men who are surprised or even upset by any damage, but ones who have trouble seeing their wives as sexual after the birth. Ones who refuse to have sex with them and often wind up divorced because of it. And there are a few of those kind of guys out there. And I do consider them immature.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AfricanQueen99 View Post



Wow.  That is so judgmental and truly unfair.  I generally agree with many of your posts, Devaskyla, but this was just out of line.

 

My husband said that he was surprised to witness my daughter's birth because, like a PP, there was a lot of damage and a lot of stitches to repair the area.  With my son there was *way* more damage and husband came out fine, but he had an idea of what to expect.  So, IMO, it's not about immaturity, it's about not knowing what may happen.  The area can be swollen, multi-colored, ripped, etc...and if he didn't know that going in why wouldn't he be surprised?  Both births only affected MY end of our sexual relationship.  If you're one to get stitches you'll know what I mean - nothing about the whole area feels good for a long time.

 

FWIW, my husband stood by my side every day that I nursed both kids and doesn't consider my body "his."  He even empathized with me as my daughter had a forced medical weaning and my son weaned on his own when my milk dried up due to this pregnancy.
 

 



 


mom to all boys B: 08/01ribboncesarean.gif,  C: 07/05 uc.jpg, N: 03/09 uc.jpg, M: 01/12 uc.jpg and far too many lost onesintactlact.gifsaynovax.gif

Devaskyla is offline  
#10 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 05:07 PM
 
samstress's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: so-cal
Posts: 2,240
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

DDCC

 

my husband was present for the birth of both of our children (one born via caesarean and one naturally).  he was up close and personal for both (saw everything -- more than i did, in fact) and it didn't change, in the least, how he sees me "from a sexual perspective".  he insists that witnessing the birth of each of our children were two of the most amazing days of his life.  he just considers birth a beautiful thing.  we took a bradley class before the birth of our second child and our teacher would usually show one birth video every week.  my husband would usually be teary-eyed by the end.  honestly, he was more emotional about it than i was.

 

does your husband want to witness the birth and do you want him to?  i know many men and women have very strong feelings on both sides.


mother is a verb
I GOT MY vbac.gif!!!

samstress is offline  
#11 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 06:59 PM
 
AfricanQueen99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,657
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Actual conversation that just happened...

Me. Did watching C's birth change how you viewed me sexually?
Him. No. You not wanting to have sex anymore changed how I viewed you sexually.

Too true. Too true.
imakecutebabies likes this.

Angela
Chatty Girl - 3/2006, Lovey Boy - 1/2010, Delicious Baby Girl - 1/2012
AfricanQueen99 is offline  
#12 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 07:15 PM
 
Kaitlyn811's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: West Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 255
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This thread is giving me mixed feelings, lol. A huge and rather impractical fear of mine is that sex will no longer be enjoyable for me or for a partner. I fear tearing, and being stitched. But then I fear not tearing and feeling 'loose.' Is this all too personal? I certainly don't have any one out the 'outside' to spill and discuss this with. Are these normal to feel? It's all very strange to me...my boobs are going from 'sexual things' to my little one's source of food! Sorry if I hacked OP's thread! It all sort of relates, right? lmbo. 


Kaitlyn - 21, single mother to an adorable baby girl born 1/18/2012 (:

Kaitlyn811 is offline  
#13 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 08:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
montessorimama1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 709
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaitlyn811 View Post

This thread is giving me mixed feelings, lol. A huge and rather impractical fear of mine is that sex will no longer be enjoyable for me or for a partner. I fear tearing, and being stitched. But then I fear not tearing and feeling 'loose.' Is this all too personal? I certainly don't have any one out the 'outside' to spill and discuss this with. Are these normal to feel? It's all very strange to me...my boobs are going from 'sexual things' to my little one's source of food! Sorry if I hacked OP's thread! It all sort of relates, right? lmbo. 


It totally relates!  I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face after reading your post because those are all fears I have, and know that likely DH harbors them as well... You hear all these horror stories, but it's nice to read what the other mommas are writing and know that it's more about your attitude and your connection with your partner, than any actual physical changes (well, once you get past the pain of any tearing, anyway...)

 


Happy housewife and mom to big Z, born at home 1/2012. m/c 07/14 @ 5w and happy to get back to trying!  
montessorimama1 is offline  
#14 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 08:53 PM
 
Devaskyla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: in my great new home
Posts: 4,693
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Kaitlyn it's totally normal to feel conflicted about it. Whether you tear or not, things will be looser there for awhile. And they will never be completely the same again. For most of us, that's a good thing, though. :) I've had this conversation in a lot of online forums and I I can't remember anyone saying things weren't as good after everything recovered. Most women find things are actually better, although I recall a couple who said it was pretty much the same and their partners were all in the better or basically the same camp, too.

 

As for thinking of your breasts as your little one's food source, some women are able to completely compartmentalize things & others aren't able to deal with anyone touching their breasts sexually as long as they're nursing. I think most women fall somewhere in the middle.


mom to all boys B: 08/01ribboncesarean.gif,  C: 07/05 uc.jpg, N: 03/09 uc.jpg, M: 01/12 uc.jpg and far too many lost onesintactlact.gifsaynovax.gif

Devaskyla is offline  
#15 of 53 Old 09-14-2011, 09:40 PM
 
kismetbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Nor. Cal.
Posts: 1,937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Seeing the birth did not in any way lessen my hubbies desire for or attraction to me!  :) And yes, things down there were a bit weird, uncomfortable, and loose for a little while. . .but in my case anyway, things went back to normal within 6 months.

 

Libido though, that's been a different issue. No problem with DHs libido that is. . .it's mine that was really changed by BFing and/or just the emotional/mental changes I experienced as a mother.  It's much much harder to find intimate time and desire now. . .but this has nothing to do with the actual birth itself, but everything else that has come with having a child.

 

I think it's all something to be aware of and to be ready to have open dialogue about, but nothing to spend an undue amount of time worrying over.

imakecutebabies likes this.

photosmile2.gif Me= crunchy mama to one rambunctious toddler, born on October 1, 2009. And one sweet little baby born January 19, 2012. heartbeat.gif

kismetbaby is offline  
#16 of 53 Old 09-15-2011, 06:35 AM
 
freestylemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 504
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by montessorimama1 View Post




It totally relates!  I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face after reading your post because those are all fears I have, and know that likely DH harbors them as well... You hear all these horror stories, but it's nice to read what the other mommas are writing and know that it's more about your attitude and your connection with your partner, than any actual physical changes (well, once you get past the pain of any tearing, anyway...)

 



I tore a lot with DD and required stitches. It took a while for us to get back into it and it did hurt initially.  It's also different.  Different isn't bad though and like I said, we definitely got to a very good place again after.   

 

I have some worries about tearing again and have decided against another water birth.  My midwife knows about my concerns and will do more counter pressure type stuff to help me avoid tearing.   


Healthcare is a human right!
freestylemama is offline  
#17 of 53 Old 09-15-2011, 10:20 AM
 
moonSnail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: in the land of raindrops and mushrooms
Posts: 185
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

For me, the breastfeeding was concerning as well.... I just couldn't imagine that kind of perception switch.  I was dead set on breastfeeding but I was just so unsure how I would feel about it.  That actually turned out to be a non issue.  As soon as my son was born it was like a switch was actually flipped in my brain and nursing was the most natural thing in the world.  It wasn't weird in the least.  For a while, at least while I was leaking every time a breeze blew against them, I didn't want them touched by my husband.... it was sort of strange and a bit messy!  (I had a very forceful and willing milk letdown).  After my milk production settled down it became a little less weird, but I do have to admit that my breasts are less a focus of sexual attention than they used to be. 

moonSnail is offline  
#18 of 53 Old 09-15-2011, 12:42 PM
 
Starr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 6,256
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think alot of it depends on your DH and what he feels comfortable seeing and being present for. Personally, I am not concerned since DH works on an ambulance and as part of his training he has worked in labor and delivery and seen multiple births.

Starr is offline  
#19 of 53 Old 09-15-2011, 12:45 PM
 
shiomi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 41
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

For me in my situation, not even remotely an issue.  Part of his attraction to me from the start was the fact that I wanted to have children too, so other than him possibly passing out when he's supposed to catch the baby (which might happen because he sometimes can have a super weak stomach at inopportune moments), I don't have to worry at all.  He knows things will be different than the way they were before... hell, it already is with how sensitive I am! lol.  I've just made sure to keep communication with him open about various things, like catching, cord cutting, placenta encapsulating and so forth so that I know for sure how he feels before the time comes.

shiomi is offline  
#20 of 53 Old 09-15-2011, 02:44 PM
 
imakecutebabies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: nyc
Posts: 145
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by AfricanQueen99 View Post

Actual conversation that just happened...

Me. Did watching C's birth change how you viewed me sexually?
Him. No. You not wanting to have sex anymore changed how I viewed you sexually.

Too true. Too true.

 

 

Agreed! I think it's just as important to prepare for your own sexuality changes afterbirth. My husband watched both of our deliveries and I was too afraid/grossed out/immature to look both times! ha but your hormones continue to change after giving birth, and I was the one who felt I had lost my sensuality for a good 6-10 months after my first child... I think breastfeeding has something to do with it, for me at least. 

 

 

imakecutebabies is offline  
#21 of 53 Old 09-15-2011, 03:07 PM
 
APToddlerMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,172
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaskyla View Post

I'm not talking about men who are surprised or even upset by any damage, but ones who have trouble seeing their wives as sexual after the birth. Ones who refuse to have sex with them and often wind up divorced because of it. And there are a few of those kind of guys out there. And I do consider them immature.



DDCC but due in Dec.  Why is that a problem?  It is a feeling and if you are feeling upset about seeing "damage", you may have issues visualizing the pain and trauma to that area instead of seeing it sexually.  I think the statement that feeling that way is immature is not fair.

 

OP--I had a really wicked tear with DS (through the anal sphincter).  DH and I could not have sex for about 6 months because it was so bad and I was in pain for that long.  He was still very eager to DTD once we could.  That said, I asked him many times if the birth had affected him and he claimed it had not.  Many months later though he admitted that he was okay with not having sex for quite some time because he thought all he'd be thinking about would be seeing me tear so badly and then spend almost an hour being stitched up.  I am glad he didn't tell me earlier, because it would have affected my confidence.  Different people have different responses, and that is okay.  I suspect that nearly all men can eventually get past their sex/birth connection hang ups.  For some it might be immediate, and others it may take a little time. Chances are, by the time you are ready for sex, he will be *more* than ready.   

 

APToddlerMama is offline  
#22 of 53 Old 09-15-2011, 06:59 PM
 
Devaskyla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: in my great new home
Posts: 4,693
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

As I already said, there's a difference between being upset/concerned for your partner & refusing to ever have sex with her again because your "playground" has been ruined. And there are men who thing that way. I've talked to women who've had to deal with them. And yes, it is incredibly immature to consider your partner's body yours. Not to mention devastating for a woman dealing with someone who doesn't want to "share" her body with their own baby.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

DDCC but due in Dec.  Why is that a problem?  It is a feeling and if you are feeling upset about seeing "damage", you may have issues visualizing the pain and trauma to that area instead of seeing it sexually.  I think the statement that feeling that way is immature is not fair.

 


mom to all boys B: 08/01ribboncesarean.gif,  C: 07/05 uc.jpg, N: 03/09 uc.jpg, M: 01/12 uc.jpg and far too many lost onesintactlact.gifsaynovax.gif

Devaskyla is offline  
#23 of 53 Old 09-16-2011, 11:00 AM
 
element2012's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 672
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This whole topic is distressing to me... I am going to have to make sure my DH gets a little more hip about what he may be witnessing and experiencing come January.  I don't think either one of us were prepared for the changes that come even just as your body changes and the belly comes out...


Happy Wife Since '05 and NEW MOM! in '12

Om'ing to Peace

Blogging Now Too! Visit my Blog

element2012 is offline  
#24 of 53 Old 09-16-2011, 11:27 AM
 
AfricanQueen99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,657
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by element2012 View Post

I don't think either one of us were prepared for the changes that come even just as your body changes and the belly comes out...

It's a lot to handle...and something that most people (men and women) don't even consider until they're fully in it.  If it makes you feel any better my husband was weirded out with my first pregnancy.  He just seemed to feel weird about having sex while my daughter was kicking around in there (and she was a super roly fetus so she would move around *during* sex!)...so I would just keep my sweatshirt/shirt on during sex.  I don't even think he realized it that it was for his own benefit.  Now that we're going on kid three he's happy to get any action and doesn't mind growing bellies and all that jazz. 

 

It's also ok if he really doesn't want to watch the actual birth.  Some partners just aren't interested in seeing the event...and that's perfectly normal.  He might be a "stick by your head and towel you off while you're pushing" kind of guy. :)
 

 

skerries likes this.

Angela
Chatty Girl - 3/2006, Lovey Boy - 1/2010, Delicious Baby Girl - 1/2012
AfricanQueen99 is offline  
#25 of 53 Old 09-16-2011, 11:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
montessorimama1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 709
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by element2012 View Post

This whole topic is distressing to me... I am going to have to make sure my DH gets a little more hip about what he may be witnessing and experiencing come January.  I don't think either one of us were prepared for the changes that come even just as your body changes and the belly comes out...


You're not alone... DH kept seeing me as "fat", not pregnant, until I sat him down and had a good long talk with him.  He was also scared to have sex because he felt he might hurt the baby!  He couldn't understand why I needed to eat constantly during the first trimester, or why naps were so crucial to keep me going... But good communication solved all the issues, and I feel that's important to keep in mind in the months and weeks leading up to the birth.  The more they know, the better off WE will be.  :)

 


Happy housewife and mom to big Z, born at home 1/2012. m/c 07/14 @ 5w and happy to get back to trying!  
montessorimama1 is offline  
#26 of 53 Old 09-16-2011, 12:22 PM
 
maptome's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 475
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I haven't read all previous posts, but I've skimmed the thread and it seems to be a bit heated.  IMO, if you or your husband has reservations about watching the baby come out, maybe you shouldn't risk it.  Sexuality isn't really controlled by cognitive thinking.  It's more primal, right?  For my previous birth, DH was present throughout, but he didn't watch the birth, not by choice or worries about sexual attraction, but it's just how it worked out.  I gave birth in his arms, and he reached down and caught the baby with me.  He could not have been more present.  There are other ways for you to share in the experience.  He doesn't need to watch.

 

As far as injury, I tore and had stitches, and sex was not pleasant for a long while.  DH said he was scared at first about hurting me, but I reassured him I would let him know how I was feeling.  I was the one that felt more badly having to ask him to stop or guilty for not enjoying.

APToddlerMama likes this.
maptome is offline  
#27 of 53 Old 09-16-2011, 07:38 PM
 
MidwifeErika's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,852
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I just asked my husband if he felt that watching the births all up close and personal changed his view of me as a sexual being. He said no that it did not. Our sex life remained a sex life, although it was different due to having a baby around and sleep deprivation and all that. He said the only thing that changed his view of me as a sexual being is when I got my hair cut postpartum after #3 and it basically looked just like my mom's hair cut. That made me LOL.

 

Here is the truth: many aspects of your relationship will change as you guys become parents. Don't be afraid. All these changes are not bad things. Sometimes I remember with great fondness what was all like before kids when it was just him and me and sex and romance and heat and all that good stuff. Now our relationship is different, but it is still great. The friendship and feeling of partnership is stronger because it is him and I against the world.... and as a united front against and for (depending on the situation) these kids we made together. Some of that heat may have cooled to just warm, but it is still cozy :)


Erika, mama to three beautiful kids (plus one gestating), and wife to one fantastic man.

MidwifeErika is offline  
#28 of 53 Old 09-16-2011, 08:13 PM
 
Conchobhar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 605
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

That's a really pretty way of putting it, MidwifeErika! smile.gif


Wife to Phil, Mom to Saoirse (3/09), and Niamh (1/12)  waterbirth.jpg.crochetsmilie.gif
 

Conchobhar is offline  
#29 of 53 Old 09-17-2011, 06:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
montessorimama1's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 709
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by MidwifeErika View Post

I just asked my husband if he felt that watching the births all up close and personal changed his view of me as a sexual being. He said no that it did not. Our sex life remained a sex life, although it was different due to having a baby around and sleep deprivation and all that. He said the only thing that changed his view of me as a sexual being is when I got my hair cut postpartum after #3 and it basically looked just like my mom's hair cut. That made me LOL.

 

Here is the truth: many aspects of your relationship will change as you guys become parents. Don't be afraid. All these changes are not bad things. Sometimes I remember with great fondness what was all like before kids when it was just him and me and sex and romance and heat and all that good stuff. Now our relationship is different, but it is still great. The friendship and feeling of partnership is stronger because it is him and I against the world.... and as a united front against and for (depending on the situation) these kids we made together. Some of that heat may have cooled to just warm, but it is still cozy :)

I just loved this so much, thank you!  :)
 

 


Happy housewife and mom to big Z, born at home 1/2012. m/c 07/14 @ 5w and happy to get back to trying!  
montessorimama1 is offline  
#30 of 53 Old 09-17-2011, 09:50 PM
 
kismetbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Nor. Cal.
Posts: 1,937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Erika--yes, couldn't have said it better myself!


photosmile2.gif Me= crunchy mama to one rambunctious toddler, born on October 1, 2009. And one sweet little baby born January 19, 2012. heartbeat.gif

kismetbaby is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off