Anyone feel like their marriage is already suffering? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 10-06-2011, 07:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband is driving me insane. He's been on the phone for 2 1/2 hours ordering an iphone, not even exaggerating. Before he got home from work I clearly asked him to help out tonight because my sinus headaches are very bad, the kids have been wearing on me more than usual, and I'm extremely tired today. You would think he'd help out every night, just naturally. So he comes home late after picking up groceries for his weekly potluck at work (doesn't buy anything for the house), tells me he helped with a sheet of homework for our daughter, and gets on the phone. It's like the more I need him to step up, the less he can. This is our third pregnancy and, without avail, we always end up blowing up at each other at some point during the end of the pregnancy/first year. I really want to keep my cool but I don't know how to get him to stop being a selfish jerk..... or is he? I really can't tell anymore. I work two jobs, do most of the cleaning, 87% of the cooking, 94% of the childcare, all pet care. He says I complain too much and I'm always telling him to do more. Sigh. I hate it. I really don't feel like he's such a slacker usually. Maybe he just can't handle my moods? 

 

I know I'm hormonal, but there's not much I can do about it... Ugh, I don't think I even enjoy being around him ever anymore! What's happening to me?! (partial LOL) Is moving to my mom's for the rest of this pregnancy an acceptable option? haha. Moms are so helpful! Wth are dads good for again? (partial joke again) 

 

 

Seriously though, any good links for keeping the peace during the hormones?

 

 

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#2 of 11 Old 10-06-2011, 08:04 PM
 
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Yikes... First of all, know that you're not alone.  I think many of us are feeling the stress right now.  I've found that the only way to get through to my DH is to talk with him when he's willing to listen, which is usually NOT when he's occupied with something (no matter how unimportant I find that to be).  I have to find a time when I have his attention, like when we're in the car or cleaning up together after dinner.  And then I have to pose things like a problem and ask him to help me find a solution (because you know guys love fixing things).  So instead of "you never help me with xyz..." I approach it as "I'm having a hard time with xyz and I don't know how to make things easier/better, etc.  What do you think we can do about that?"  Then usually he'll involve himself in the solution, and I'll thank him for his "brilliant" idea.  He gets his ego stroked, but I get what I wanted without fighting.  It's not a perfect solution but it beats the constant round and round arguments that never lead anywhere and leave both people feeling beaten down. 

 

Hang in there... You're not alone. :)


Happy housewife and mom to big Z, born at home 1/2012. m/c 07/14 @ 5w and happy to get back to trying!  
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#3 of 11 Old 10-06-2011, 08:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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As I read this back to myself, I realize I really just need freakin' break. Less to do with him really, since I know he's stressed too. 

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#4 of 11 Old 10-06-2011, 08:19 PM
 
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Sometimes writing helps sort your feelings. :)  I hope you can get your much-needed break!!


Happy housewife and mom to big Z, born at home 1/2012. m/c 07/14 @ 5w and happy to get back to trying!  
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#5 of 11 Old 10-07-2011, 05:18 AM
 
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It totally sounds like you have your hands full. Managing a household is stressful, let alone while pregnant. Can you unload the kids and take some time for yourself? Even if it's just walking around a store without hearing anybody call you mom and ask for things!

FWIW, that iPhone call would drive me bonkers too. Nothing like having a partner check out when you ask for help.

Angela
Chatty Girl - 3/2006, Lovey Boy - 1/2010, Delicious Baby Girl - 1/2012
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#6 of 11 Old 10-07-2011, 11:51 AM
 
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I've been stressed out with some major life events that have happened here (moving, surgeries, trying to rent out a house thousands of miles away, having few friends and no family here, etc.)  I try every day to think about the good things in my life and focus on what I can control.  I know that sounds trite, but it does help. 

 

In your case, I would be really upset.  If you work as much as he does out of the house, you should not be doing that much of the work in the house.  That really stinks!  I would freak out too if I was in your position and my DH was pulling that kind of stuff. 

 

I stay at home and my DH works a ton, but he wouldn't even pull that kind of stuff and he helps out when he's home.  I hope yours pulls his head out of his bum and starts helping you more. 


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#7 of 11 Old 10-07-2011, 01:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I work from home, 12 hours a day, so I can be home with our 3 year old, then work a few nights a week out of the house after he gets home from work so we can avoid childcare. For the most part, I love the set up and feel really lucky to have the option. Working from home is a foggy thing though.. he thinks because I get to stay home I must have free time all day. I'm going to be cutting out my hours out of the house now since it's becoming too physically demanding at this point... but I still work (and bring in almost half the income), it's frustrating that he doesn't see that. I'm considering counseling... we've done it before briefly and it helped him hear someone else say what I am saying haha. 

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#8 of 11 Old 10-09-2011, 09:05 AM
 
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So sorry you're stressed, mama. It can be so difficult sometimes! Have you ever heard of the book 'Have a New Husband by Friday'? It is a really powerful book, and easy to read.  Hope this helps!    : )


Milly, stumbling horribly on God's path, married to my amazing Superhero, and mama to my 3 awesome boys, and my amazing rainbow baby girl!  Missing our Little One, lost 11/09, and our son, stillborn 11/10

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#9 of 11 Old 10-09-2011, 11:52 AM
 
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Wow, hormones or not I think I would have thrown something at my dh's head if he was on the phone for 2.5 hrs ordering an iphone while I was struggling.  If you work full time and he works full time then everything else needs to be split 50/50.  You shouldn't have to ask for "help", b/c it's not only your responsibility alone.  If he is not seeing that and you feel worn out, tired and mad then that can cause a definite strain on your marriage.  Building up resentment and lack of communication in a marriage is why they fail, you need to let him know how your feeling or get a counselor to help. 

 

Everybody has problems in their marriage at one point or another, but if we communicate and work on them they can be resolved.  I hope that you will try and take some time for yourself, doing all that you do can be so exhausting and everybody needs some time to recharge hug2.gif


Sarah knit.gif married to Micah, mama to dd1 (9), dd2 (7) and ds (2). We love to homeschool.gif h20homebirth.gif goorganic.jpgchicken3.gif
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#10 of 11 Old 10-10-2011, 06:07 PM
 
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Yes! It wasn't until years after we had our last two that I reflected on our really unhappy marriage and realized it all started during my first pregnancy (our first together). Hormones can make the smallest issues seem like do-or-divorce issues! Going into this pregnancy, I knew what to expect so I guess I take myself less seriously when I get all worked up.....DH does too. 

 

I honestly can't imagine working (from home or not) that much and being the homemaker on top of it! I agree your DH should step up. I agree with Montessori-mama advice. I get the most mileage out of using "I" statements with my DH and keeping my nagging bitchiness to a bare minimum. He shuts down when I bitch so that doesn't help. I notice my DH does space out on things that I think should be "common sense". My husband is awesome...really awesome...but he still needs to be reminded all.the.time. He prefers lists. It helps him to plan ahead. He definitely doesn't like it when I expect him to read my mind or mood. Ask what your DH prefers. If he doesn't respond in due time, I would use "I" statements like: "I feel tired today and I could use your help. Would you be willing to help me out?". My other advice would be to set aside time for yourself every day...even if it's just 15 minutes. I also recommend finding out what you really need and giving it to yourself and asking for it too. 

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#11 of 11 Old 10-26-2011, 07:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just an update... Thanks to everyone for their replies, it was nice to have someone listen... 

 

We just got back from our pre-baby vacation.. and although it started out with a trip to the hospital's triage because of my persistent diarrhea, and then our car spontaneously broke down and had to be repaired twice while we were on the road, my daughter and I caught a cold, and I ended up with an infection in my nail cuticle! ... my husband and I got a break from work and had a few wonderful meals alone together and I'm feeling much closer to him now. :)

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