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#1 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 06:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is my first pregnancy where I didn't know the gender.  So my first at having this great surprise at the end, but I'm not able to talk to the baby with his/her name (which I did NON STOP with my current kids...even though my son's name was changed on my EDD so he only heard it 8 days in utero).

 

Anyway, I feel completely unbonded.  And I'm not one to refer to my fetus as "bean-o" while talking to it.  Anybody else? 

 

I think it might be a subsequent child thing, too.  My neighbor is EDD one week after me and also on Team Green and also feeling these same things. 

 

Just looking for some commiseration.


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#2 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 07:13 AM
 
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My DH nicknamed the baby Tic-Tac, because that's how big he/she was when I started sending him e-mail updates about the baby's development.  So we've been using that and it's pretty nice, actually.  :)   I've never been in your position, but I can imagine how hard it is to not be able to think of the baby by a name when you've done so in the past.  Can you think of a nickname that you would feel comfortable using with him/her?


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#3 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 07:18 AM
 
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We don't know the gender, but since I have no previous pregnancies to compare...  I can't say it's been a problem. My husband and I switch randomly back and forth between "he" and "she" depending on mood, and in lieu of a name, we picked a random Asian-language pronoun that just means "child" or "youngest" (there are several). It works, but then we are not super-talky people to begin with...

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#4 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 09:37 AM
 
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This is our first time not finding out as well.  I love the fact that I am the only one with a special connection to this baby.  There are no fuzzy images or gender roles to tell me who this baby will be.  I get to feel the kicks and squirms and share them with my children and husband.  I would say that everyone else is a bit disconnected so there seems to be a shortage of gifts, advice and opinions, which I am totally cool with.  My family is pretty annoyed with me for not finding out, but it doesn't bother me.  I think I am probably just being selfish, I don't want to share this baby with everybody just yet.  

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#5 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 11:40 AM
 
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This is our first time not finding out as well.  I love the fact that I am the only one with a special connection to this baby.  There are no fuzzy images or gender roles to tell me who this baby will be.  I get to feel the kicks and squirms and share them with my children and husband.  I would say that everyone else is a bit disconnected so there seems to be a shortage of gifts, advice and opinions, which I am totally cool with.  My family is pretty annoyed with me for not finding out, but it doesn't bother me.  I think I am probably just being selfish, I don't want to share this baby with everybody just yet.  



What she said. I feel like not knowing also prevents me coming up with a lot of expectations for the kid-- and expectations are a burden. It has also effectively prevented my family from shipping us a lot of frilly stuff we don't need ;)  Instead, we've received a few very practical gender-neutral baby gifts (onesies, cloth diapers...) because it's hard for people to impulse-buy based on "OMG that's SO CUTE!" when they don't know the gender. And yeah, I have really appreciated the curious lack of unwanted advice-- I feel like I'm hoarding the baby experience all for myself (and a little for my husband), and I like it that way. It's this private little thing between us, the baby and its little kicks and flips.

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#6 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What sort of gender-specific advice have you guys gotten in the past?  I also don't think I've ever been given a gender-specific gift pre-baby.  Maybe my family is just weird!


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#7 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 12:39 PM
 
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What sort of gender-specific advice have you guys gotten in the past?  I also don't think I've ever been given a gender-specific gift pre-baby.  Maybe my family is just weird!


 

LOL, it's not really gender specific.  Although if it's a boy we will get lots "of watch outs" and "boys are a lot of work" type comments. I think there just isn't a lot of advice and opinions b/c nobody has been able to bond and ponder the baby.  Also strangers get thrown off by the fact that your not finding out the sex and have to think about that for a bit instead of telling you what you should be doing/naming and not naming the baby.


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#8 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 05:40 PM
 
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We've decided to go with 'unknown' for the gender after our crappy ultrasound experience, although we're pretty much expecting it will be a boy. Be a nice surprise if not, though.

 

I only knew for sure with ds2, although we were 99% certain with ds1. I really don't like not knowing. It was hard with ds3 & it's even worse this time. i just refer to him/her as "baby". We're not much for nicknames. I wouldn't say I feel less bonded, it's just...different.


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#9 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 06:21 PM
 
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I think it is really hard to "bond" with the baby without knowing the gender.  It is for me, at least.  I go back and forth between what I think the baby is, and then I feel awful because I don't want to be disappointed.  I am sure I will love my baby no matter what gender it is, but I don't want to hear "oh, I think it's a boy" or "little girls are so whiny" etc.  It's almost like I don't want to think about the baby being either gender!  Weird, I know.


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#10 of 33 Old 10-12-2011, 06:44 PM
 
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We just call the baby "baby"... creative, I know. I usually say "he" in front of DH because I know he is still hoping its a "he" (although I am positive a "she"  would totally rule him), and alternate "he/she" or try to avoid using any type of pronoun and just stick to "baby".  I do feel that I would be more bonded if I knew the gender, but I do know I can not *wait* to meet this little person!  I have to work on getting my nerve up to tell random stranger who ask if it's a boy or a girl that I did not find out because I chose not to have any ultrasounds and blow their minds.  In the mean time, it is kind of fun and exciting to flip back and forth with my gender predictions on a daily basis! (Who knows, there might even be two!!)


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#11 of 33 Old 10-13-2011, 07:18 AM
 
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I've nicknamed baby "baby bean". I honestly find that bonding  with knowing vs without knowing has not been different for me anyway. I've been able to bond with all my kids in utero, and I knew the gender of my first only. 


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#12 of 33 Old 10-13-2011, 07:37 AM
 
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I have to work on getting my nerve up to tell random stranger who ask if it's a boy or a girl that I did not find out because I chose not to have any ultrasounds and blow their minds.


Oh, definitely do it!  I have had the most fun seeing people's expressions, and it sometimes creates an opportunity to help people learn about the truth behind u/s.  I highly recommend it (just don't tell doctors or anyone you KNOW will give you grief and "but what if there's something wrong with your baby" scenarios, because really, who needs that???)

 


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#13 of 33 Old 10-16-2011, 06:58 PM
 
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We call the baby "Baby". Pretty simple but we've totally bonded. Lots of singing and dancing!

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#14 of 33 Old 11-23-2011, 01:05 PM
 
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Had to revive this thread!  Now that we all have super visible bumps, I am wondering what the general consensus amongst passersby about the gender of your LO?  For me, I have not one time in the last 3 months had someone come up to me and tell me I'm carrying a girl.  And now, it's almost a daily occurance that someone tells me I'm carrying a boy.  What about you?


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#15 of 33 Old 11-23-2011, 01:27 PM
 
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The guy at the check-out counter at Trader Joe's volunteered his opinion that my bump was a boy, but most people are so taken aback when I tell them that we don't know the gender, that they don't even take a stab at predicting the sex.  My 6-yr old niece said it will be a girl, while my 4-yr old nephew sided with "boy".  My husband loves to answer the question: "What are you having?" with a very straight-faced answer: "A baby."

 

element: do you think you're carrying a boy?


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#16 of 33 Old 11-24-2011, 11:26 AM
 
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95% of people have guessed we're having a girl.  I feel like the baby is a girl too, but who knows.  :) 


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#17 of 33 Old 11-24-2011, 11:58 AM
 
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I've gotten 'mixed reviews'... I'll be surprised if baby is a girl, but honestly I have thought about it so much that I don't really have a good sense of what my feelings are half the time... I've had more dreams that it's a girl than it's a boy, but the girl dreams have all seemed "off" in some way (for example, the 'baby' in one 'girl' dream was a totally different ethnicity and was about a year old... whereas the baby in one boy dream was definitely newborn, definitely ours, and about ten inches from my face the entire dream...)


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#18 of 33 Old 11-24-2011, 01:25 PM
 
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I keep dreaming that the baby is a girl. My 10-year-old nephew insists that it must be a boy, and that I should name it after him. My overseas friends are all rooting for it to be a boy because it's my first child ("boys are lucky!"). We just keep flipping back and forth calling the baby "he" or "she" randomly, to keep everyone terribly confused. People I meet locally are a little aghast, not because I haven't learned the sex, but because we have not had an ultrasound yet. Apparently people who can afford it have an ecografia like every two weeks here (I was a little aghast when I heard that!).

 

Won't be much longer before we find out, though :)

 

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#19 of 33 Old 11-24-2011, 05:58 PM
 
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We just keep flipping back and forth calling the baby "he" or "she" randomly, to keep everyone terribly confused. People I meet locally are a little aghast, not because I haven't learned the sex, but because we have not had an ultrasound yet.

 

hahaha, we're exactly the same on both counts!  My husband writes "he" on his FB posts regarding the baby, while I write "she", and all our friends are going nuts!  And we also get the same reactions regarding not having had any ultrasounds.  Too funny... :)
 

 


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#20 of 33 Old 11-25-2011, 11:41 AM
 
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element: do you think you're carrying a boy?



I have had one dream of the delivery where the baby was a girl and one dream of someone else holding the baby and the gender was unclear, so I think dreamland is hinting towards girl.  And I don't know if it's the contrarian in me or my intuition, but I am thinking girl too. smile.gif  I think when all is said and done and the baby is here, I am going to be shocked either way lol.


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#21 of 33 Old 11-26-2011, 12:56 PM
 
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This is so the perfect thread for me! I've been feeling like we're one in a million for not finding out the sex of the baby. Everyone always comments on how they couldn't possibly not find out because they're too impatient, not strong enough, blah blah blah. We haven't even had an ultrasound (and don't plan on it unless it's medically indicated) and I just don't get the big deal about having to know the sex. 

 

With my daughter, we did find out. My husband didn't want to, but then right before our ultrasound I decided that I just had to know. Immediately after they told me, I wished I wouldn't have found out. A. I thought she was going to be a boy, so I was disappointed and B. Everyone started buying us a billion pink frilly things. Before we knew what she was, we knew that "her animal" (just a weird thing I do that each child gets "their own" animal) was an elephant, so we nicknamed her Peanut. That's what we called her up until we knew that she was a she and honestly, I missed called her Peanut once we knew. 

 

With this one, their (a nice gender neutral pronoun which I like better than he/she and is still grammatically correct) animal is a giraffe, so the nickname is Twig. I don't think I feel less bonded not knowing the sex. I've definitely received less stuff, but I think that's partially because I've specifically said I don't want a bunch of stuff. We found a bunch of sleepers at a local consignment store that were all yellow and green (two colors I like a lot more than pink and blue) and had giraffes on them. Other than that there's not a whole lot more we need. :-D


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#22 of 33 Old 11-26-2011, 01:10 PM
 
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Ok, get this... My aunt called me yesterday and said: "I saw your registry but I want to wait until you know whether it's a boy or a girl in order to make my purchase."

 

Ummm... NOTHING on our registry is gender-specific!!!  Since when do you have to know whether the baby is a boy or girl to buy a breast pump or a boppy?  I can just see the flood of useless frilly pink things coming our way, when what we really need is already on our registry. angry.gif  I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I would rather people not give us anything than for them to spend money on stuff we don't need, are not going to use, and are going to re-gift/craigslist/goodwill.  Ugh.


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#23 of 33 Old 11-26-2011, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Most strangers tell me how cool it is that we don't know the gender.  In fact, I can't think of one negative reaction.

 

31+ weeks and still fairly unbonded.  I'm starting to think its because I'm too busy and too tired to think about it.  Poor third kid...


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#24 of 33 Old 11-26-2011, 02:58 PM
 
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I can just see the flood of useless frilly pink things coming our way, when what we really need is already on our registry. angry.gif  I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I would rather people not give us anything than for them to spend money on stuff we don't need, are not going to use, and are going to re-gift/craigslist/goodwill.  Ugh.


YES.  I just finished my registry and have not sent it to anyone because I KNOW my family.  They will not have any interest in buying things we *need*, only cute things.  I can see myself being bombarded with cheap made in china plastic toys, and a bunch of gender specific clothes once the babe arrives.  Clothes I won't mind much, but toys I mind very much.  I don't want to be rude, but I basically want to tell our families NO PLASTIC TOYS!!!! And you know they're coming since our babes are due right after the holidays, Toys R Us will be calling out to the families lol.

 


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#25 of 33 Old 11-26-2011, 06:44 PM
 
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Went shopping at the mall today and my big ol' belly got lots of attention LOL.  Everyone was very nice and thought that it was awesome that we weren't finding the gender :).  I was bummed that The Childrens Place didn't a snuggly bear onepiece outfi.t in any other colors besides pink and blue though.


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#26 of 33 Old 11-26-2011, 07:05 PM
 
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YES.  I just finished my registry and have not sent it to anyone because I KNOW my family.  They will not have any interest in buying things we *need*, only cute things.  I can see myself being bombarded with cheap made in china plastic toys, and a bunch of gender specific clothes once the babe arrives.  Clothes I won't mind much, but toys I mind very much.  I don't want to be rude, but I basically want to tell our families NO PLASTIC TOYS!!!! And you know they're coming since our babes are due right after the holidays, Toys R Us will be calling out to the families lol.

 


I think it's totally appropriate to politely say "we don't plan to have any plastic toys in our house" and people will hopefully listen.  We did a similar thing when I was pregant with our son.  We only cloth diapered.  Knowing people love to load you up with disposable diapers and wipes, we made it politely clear that we really appreciated everyone's generosity, however, we wouldn't be using anything disposable.  People listened - although only my cousin bought any of the cloth diapers off the registry.
 

 

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#27 of 33 Old 11-27-2011, 07:55 AM
 
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I don't get people's attitude towards registries... If you don't want to purchase a gift, that's fine, nobody said a baby's birth is about gifts.  But why get some crap that nobody wants when the parents went through the hassle of setting up a list of things that they are going to need and are going to use??

 

As for plastic, I put a statement on our baby blog (after the links to our registry and cloth diapering fund) that reads: If you prefer to choose a toy or other item for our baby, we’d like to direct you towards developmentally-appropriate toys for infants.  We’re trying to remain plastic-free and we’ve made a conscious choice to exclude brand-name marketing characters (Disney princesses, Dora, and other TV and movie characters) from our home for as long as possible.  We are grateful that you are considering giving our baby a gift, and we want your investment to be something our child will enjoy and benefit from for a long time… Here are some websites that have lovely developmental toys:

 

Not that anyone takes the time to read... but it was worth a try... I've been thinking of saving up all the gender-specific plastic crap we're going to get and offloading it at next year's holiday toy drive.


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#28 of 33 Old 11-27-2011, 08:25 AM
 
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I did specifically ask for no plastic toys, and believe it or not, nobody bought us any plastic toys at our baby shower party thingie!  Both my husband and I were so very grateful!  In fact, we didn't get any pacifiers, bottles, or disposable diapers either.  We only ended up taking a couple things back to the store (brand new baby clothes, which we didn't need because my mom had already bought me enough used baby clothes from this awesome consignment super boutique to last our baby for over a year!).  We didn't get many things that were actually on our baby registry either, but I was more thankful that our requests for no unnecessary baby things were respected.  Everything we got was gender neutral, too, and everyone had a great time predicting the baby's gender, which was fun. 

 

One thing that has been really cool so far is asking children whether I'm having a boy or a girl.  The majority of children have predicted girl.  Isn't that interesting?  We've just been calling him/her "Sprout" throughout the pregnancy, and though I have no other pregnancies to compare it to, I'd say both my husband and I are pretty bonded to this baby. 

 

People really don't like when I call the baby "it", though.  I have no idea why...it really is an it right now!  Maybe they think I'm growing a little monster in there! lol.gif


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#29 of 33 Old 11-28-2011, 03:41 PM
 
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I would think that not knowing the sex facilitates people not buying random crap. I got SO many poofy little dresses for my daughter. Why does a 0-3 month old need 6 poofy dresses? Why does she need 1?!?

 

I love that my daughter predicts the sex of her little brother/sister. She was going back and forth for a while and seems to have settled on sister, but I'm not sure if that's because she's a sister so she wants the baby to be the same. Of course, we've talked about how the baby could be a boy or a girl and she says she'll be happy either way.

 

Another thing on the not bonding, I honestly think that it's helped me more to not know. The more that I think about it, the more I realize how special and intimate this all feels. When I tell a random stranger I'm having a boy or girl they just start getting into all of the stereotypical boy/girl things. When I tell them we're not finding out, it's almost like they back off. Like it's just mine. I like the baby being just mine.


Superherolactivist.gif and mother to Peanut (03/20/09) and Twig (01/20/2012). Fighting for the rights of mothers out there who winner.jpg selectivevax.gif fly-by-nursing2.giffemalesling.GIFfamilybed1.gifhomebirth.jpg and much more! mdcblog5.gif 
 
 
 
    

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#30 of 33 Old 11-28-2011, 04:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lactatinggirl View Post

I would think that not knowing the sex facilitates people not buying random crap.



Nah, they're just going to wait until the baby's born and THEN buy the crap.


Happy housewife and mom to big Z, born at home 1/2012. m/c 07/14 @ 5w and happy to get back to trying!  
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