Would it be bad if I was just a little.... rude (with a smile, of course)? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 06:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 29 weeks.

And yes, my belly is huge. I've gained 27lbs so far, and I am very tall and usually mostly only gain weight on my belly (true, even when I am not pregnant).

So there is a scene that has been repeating a LOT and is making me a little (or a lot upset).

Something like person come to me and ask how far along I am. And then get shocked and say something like: OMG! Are you sure it is not twins? how big is the baby? OMG, you are huge for one baby at this time.

Now, of course, there are some variations of this, but mostly is about how I am huge, and how it CANT be only one baby. Or I must be more advanced, because I couldnt be this huge at this time.

Usually I kind of apologize, smile, and say how it is only one, and yes, we are sure... bla bla bla.

But it has been driving me crazy, specially when many times the same person will see me multiple times and do the same comments every time (except that every time I am bigger- according to the person). And it is not ONE person. It is a couple. People I dont even know well... Just nosy people.

So lately I have this urge to just smile and say something like: Nope, I am just fat.

Would that be too rude (cause I am hoping that it will hold people back from commenting next time they see me, and perhaps make them feel at least a little embarrassed to ask.... which would ease my discomfort).

In between, we did discover my thyroid was out of wacky, and since starting medication 3 weeks ago, I only gained one pound. But still. I dont have to have to explain to people how much weight I get, etc...

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#2 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 07:28 AM
 
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First of all, that's just entirely rude of someone to even say; all bellies are different. So no, I don't think it would be rude if you just said 'I'm just fat' then they wouldn't know what to say. (: That is absolutely just not ok for someone else to say. You have the right to say something along the lines of 'that's really quite hurtful to say to me' or anything along those lines. I've gained quite a bit of weight - I used to panic about it but you know what, it brings me happiness to eat and I don't eat a lot of junk so I stopped feeling bad. I never had anyone tell me I was too big and if they did I would question something like that, how do they gauge that? So things would be better if my belly was small? YOU do what YOU want, it's YOUR baby, YOUR belly - you don't have to tolerate people being rude. 


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#3 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 08:20 AM
 
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This has been happening to me since I started showing pretty much.  People are shocked, SHOCKED! to learn that no, I'm not due any day now.  No there isn't a litter in there.  **sigh** People are just not good at perspective.  I get it from people I know and strangers too--especially if I take a bus anywhere.

 

So far I 'grin and bear it' but I've been very tempted to reply with a "Nope, just fat!" or maybe a horrified look and a "Do you really think so?  Oh my G-d!  I'd better call my doctor!" maybe even with some fake tears.

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#4 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 08:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Psmythe View Post

People are just not good at perspective. 

This.  I seriously wouldn't take it personally.  But I might be tempted to just look at them stone-faced and say "Are you gaining a bit of weight, too?"  For some reason people seem more likely to discuss weight/body issues with pregnant women even though it's totally inappropriate to discuss another person's body.
 

 


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#5 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 08:44 AM
 
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My BIL told me a few weeks back, "Man, Sarah, you really look pregnant now huh?" I said, "What?? What are you talking about?" I know it's not the same thing, but he kinda got the point... lol. I don't think it's rude if you said something along the lines of "Nah, I'm just fat" and shrug if off though. 


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#6 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 08:53 AM
 
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For what it's worth, I'm also very tall and I've gained over 35 lbs. (all in my belly and boobs) at 28 weeks, so you're not alone.  Everyone is different, people just have dumb pre-conceived notions of what's the "right" size for a belly, based perhaps on Hollywood stars who starve themselves through their pregnancy.  I say go for it, if they are being downright rude then they need a good reply in order to put their comments into perspective. 


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#7 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 09:12 AM
 
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I think absolutely people are not good at perspective and, even though it is tough if you might be sensitive, it's better to just chock it up to a lack of it on the other end.  Empathy, also, is a struggle for some. 

 

I also think that addressing this with humor is the way to go.... but I tend to be really sarcastic.  I would totally say something like "Nope, I'm just really fat" or, to the new comments, "What, you think I'm pregnant? with a shocked and horrified look on my face.  My husband has done this to people with some of their random comments (pretty much because he likes to be an ass ;) and it just came off as hilarious.  The best case scenario is people get a good laugh out of it and in the back of their mind wonder if you really took offense or just like to joke around.  Most, I think, would err on the side of not hurting your feelings if they understood and then steer clear of those comments just in case. 

 

I've gotten my share of the twins comments, too... this is my second pregnancy and I'm much bigger this go 'round.  I don't let them bother me because there is so much ignorance about pregnancy and birth out there.  With my first, a co-worker actually walked up to me and said, "How in the world are you going to get that baby out?  You have such a small frame.  My cousin has a frame just like yours and she couldn't get the baby out.  It was too big and they had to do a cesarean."  Gee, okay crazy lady, thanks for that.  The funny part is that she was probably standing there a full 6 inches shorter than me.....

 

So yeah, ignorance and a definite perspective problem.....

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#8 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 10:01 AM
 
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I'm 28 weeks along now, and have only gained around 15lbs, all in my belly and boobs. I hear the same comments, "Are you sure it's not twins?" "You must be about to pop.", as well as the "You're going to have trouble pushing her out" crap as well. It's ridiculous. My little girl is measuring just where she should at this point in pregnancy. I'm small, but every woman in my family is, all of my sister's and mother's deliveries went quickly and easily. My typical response to people is to politely inform them that I'm measuring right where I should be, and that every pregnancy is different, and my small frame should not interfere in any way with giving birth. It shuts people up pretty quickly. I know most people aren't trying to be rude or inappropriate, just trying to be friendly but I'm not good at not speaking my mind.

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#9 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 10:56 AM
 
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Lately, strangers have started commenting on my pregnancy, especially in the grocery store.  Luckily no one has been rude to me, but I admit that I have been tempted to reply to them (in a very somber, sad tone), "Actually...it's a tumor.  Don't worry, it's benign, but it sure looks bad, huh?"


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#10 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 12:15 PM
 
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I usually just say something like "I'm measuring perfectly, you must not know what a pregnant belly is supposed to look like!".  If they say you look like you are ready to pop you can always go with the humorous *grab belly* "OMG UR RIGHT! I THINK I'M HAVING IT RIGHT NOW!" winky.gif

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#11 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 12:19 PM
 
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I've had a variation of this too.  Strangers ask how far along I am, and then exclaim that I am sooo tiny for 6.5 months.  But if you ask my MIL, I am huge and must be carrying twins.  Just a little annoying lol.  Next time I will bring pictures of other women 6.5 months and show her.  I am beginning to get freaked out enough about having one newborn to care for soon, please don't add to it!!


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#12 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 04:42 PM
 
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Everyone keeps telling me I am tiny, too. I don't know what to make of it. Are you telling me I'm starving my baby? I have hips. They absorb babies.


Dreamer, writer, wife, and mom to little guy baby.gif & my spirit babe candle.gif 

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#13 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 05:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by writinglove View Post

Everyone keeps telling me I am tiny, too. I don't know what to make of it. Are you telling me I'm starving my baby? I have hips. They absorb babies.


This. I had hips before, when I got further into my pregnancy they just grew OUT. Incredible. My friend says I should be happy because wide hips make for nicer births, she has very small hips and says it's painful. I don't know, I just know I'm WIDE. 

 


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#14 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 06:18 PM
 
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I always politely say the following, whether the comment relates to me or if I overhear it in relation to pregnant woman,

"the only acceptable comment you may make regarding a pregnant woman's appearance is as to how gorgeous and radiant she appears. If you're tempted to say the words 'huge', 'twins' or 'pop', it would be best if you kept that to yourself."

I can't get over the nerve of people. I'm sure all of the mamas here look absolutely gorgeous!joy.gif
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#15 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 06:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by joyfulgrrrl View Post

I always politely say the following, whether the comment relates to me or if I overhear it in relation to pregnant woman,
"the only acceptable comment you may make regarding a pregnant woman's appearance is as to how gorgeous and radiant she appears. If you're tempted to say the words 'huge', 'twins' or 'pop', it would be best if you kept that to yourself."
 


Please put that on a t-shirt.  Please!

 


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#16 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 07:23 PM
 
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I get these "you're huge"  "you must be having twins" "you must be due really soon!"  comments all the time.  Even the women working at Motherhood Maternity made comments to me!  I'm 5'2" and all belly.  People made similar comments when I was pregnant with DS - and they would always say that "there's no way you'll make it to your due date!".  Well, I was 2 weeks late with him so now I just say to people "oh, just wait until I'm 42 weeks pregnant!"  What is wrong with people!?!?

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#17 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 09:15 PM
 
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A few weeks back, my MIL came to visit me and hadn't seen me since I was only 10 weeks...the very first thing she said to me, not a hello, not a how are you, the VERY first thing she said to me was "OMG, you're HUGE, are you sure there aren't two in there??!"...I told her that was a very rude thing to say to a pregnant woman...her response to me was to roll her eyes and walk out of the room.  NO apology, nothing.   Needless to say, she got a very stern phone call from my husband (god bless him), and she will be getting this in an email from me:

 

TEN THINGS TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN...
OTHER THAN, "Oh my god, you're so huge...are you sure you don't have two in there?" (which may actually be the rudest, most horrible thing you can say to a 5 1/2 month pregnant woman)

1. You're hair looks really shiny, I should start taking those prenatal vitamins.
2. You look so cute!
3. How are you feeling?  You look really healthy.
4. Are you even wearing maternity pants yet?
5. You're barely showing.
6. You look fantastic.
7. You're doing an amazing job.
8. You look really great pregnant.
9. Pregnancy always makes women so beautiful.
10. and if you see a woman, who is very very pregnant, has swollen ankles and face, looks like she hasn't slept in a week, and you still feel like you absolutely MUST comment on her appearance, THIS is what you need to say to her:
YOU LOOK SO STRONG TODAY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE AN AMAZING MOM.

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#18 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 10:04 PM
 
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I believe people say stupid stuff like that because they are a bit envious of the fact that you are carrying something amazing in your belly (down right miraculous!) and they are carrying around Taco Bell in theirs.

 

People tell me that I am too big or too small and I just tell them that I think I am just right :)


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#19 of 22 Old 10-20-2011, 10:15 PM
 
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Blah! I always wanted to freak people out by staring at them when asked if this was my first. Just for fun. Just stare. Not say anything, because I couldn't lie. So, IMO, you can certainly do what you want with these nosy people!


CDing, BFing, co-sleeping, combination of BWing and stroller-using mama to DD, 05/2010. Pursuing a back to nature lifestyle.
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#20 of 22 Old 10-21-2011, 08:59 AM
 
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The worst thing I've said is "I'm PREGNANT? REALLY? I better tell my husband! That would explain so much!" My mom told me to be nice after that. smile.gif

 

Really, the worst thing I've heard is that I'm too small and was even asked (by my boss right before I went on bedrest) if I was sure that I was pregnant. This was followed by an employee jokingly stating that my body must be eating my baby. Yeah. People say stupid things...the best we can do is conserve our energy by smiling and walking away. We are working on something far more important. wink1.gif

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#21 of 22 Old 10-22-2011, 12:23 AM
 
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A nice joke usually lets people know that they are saying something silly and a bit rude.  Maybe something like "No it's not twins, it's actually an entire litter.....of puppies...German Shepards I believe".  Makes em' laugh and gets em to shut up.  Nobody should ever say anything about a pregnant lady's appearance, unless it's "You look fantastic!".


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#22 of 22 Old 10-22-2011, 07:38 AM
 
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This happens to me alot. I dont take offense. They are just making conversation. I probably do look big for my dates. Its my body type. I dont consider the implication of being 'fat', especially when pregnant, to be an insult. Its just a fact. You put on weight. Some women put on less weight, some women dont show their weight as much., We are all different. I like the way i am. For the most part, in my case anyway, people dont mean to insult you, and its not an insult to look bigger than they expect.  

 

 

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