Is this normal or am I just weird?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 05-26-2008, 11:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just had my baby 2 weeks ago. I had a wonderful birth in the hospital with a midwife. I switched to my midwife late in the pregnancy.
Now I am REALLY missing her! During the pregnancy we didn't really build that close of a bond but after the birth I feel so close to her. She helped me get over a bad previous birth experience. After the birth, she came back to see me in the hospital and we got to talk some. Starting at 36 weeks she wanted me to call her every night to tell how I was doing. I miss calling her
I don't think she knows how much I admire her and like her since we didn't really get that close during the pregnancy. Well, I think I got close but she probably never knew it.
But since I have been home, it's all I think about! I miss her so much I am a little depressed about it. I won't see her again until I get pregnant again. I have no reason to call her even though she said call anytime.
I am trying very hard to "move on" but it's just not working. I feel love for her like I would love my mom. (I don't have a good relationship with my mom.)
If my midwife knew how much I think about her and how I miss her, I am sure she would think I am a freak!
I've been so sad lately and I just can't shake this feeling. I just want to be pregnant again so I can see her! Is this normal?
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#2 of 20 Old 05-27-2008, 12:10 PM
 
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Hi Mindy,

This is so normal what you're going though. Especially since you don't feel close to your mom.

As birth professional it is not unusual to have clients experience these intense feelings of attachment that you're experiencing and it is very loving, and it makes working with birthing mothers so terrific! The feelings are probably mutual and the midwife probably also likes you a lot.
However It is a professional and intimate relationship at the same time.

I think writing her a heartfelt note filled with your thanks, or calling her to ask if you can stop by to say hello and show her the baby is a good thing to do and give you an opportunity to express your thanks for her love and kindness.

I still get lovely notes and pictures every year from long ago clients that i really loved and bonded with. Remember Mindy that it is loving happy clients like you that make birth professionals work magical.

Find a mothers group, LLL group, look on the tribal area for meet ups and start meeting other new mothers with baby's to bond with.

BTW/ Congratulations on the birth!
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#3 of 20 Old 05-27-2008, 10:14 PM
 
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I so identify with you. My baby is 7 weeks, and I have been going through the same thing as you. I also have issues with my mother. I do think it is partially hormonal and that you will not feel quite as intensely in a few weeks. My mw has been very available to me - and continues to be - and for that I am very thankful. My mw became a wonderful mom figure to me during my pregnancy and that intensified after having this really amazing birth.

I think that falling in love with your mw is quite common, especially with a really great birth and mother issues.

Can you talk to your mw? Do you have pp visits with her? My mw has been very receptive to working through my pp feelings with me - my mom issues, my childhood issues, early challenges with my baby. She knows how I feel about her. She is continuing to see me and spends a lot of time on the phone with me. So, I think this is how a good midwife is. Maybe you can talk to your midwife about your feelings. Maybe you can tell her about your mom or other things that are bothering you pp. Maybe you can talk to her about how you are feeling so sad. I think she would want to know that you are sad and want to help you feel better. She may have natural remedies for you as well.
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#4 of 20 Old 05-28-2008, 04:39 PM
 
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I think what you are feeling is very normal and not at all freak-like. There are many women who feel sad at their 6 week appointment with their doctor or midwife because it is the last one for awhile. There is a closeness that can develop as you share a huge life-altering event with your midwife and it can be sad to see that relationship change after the birth.

I don't have any good advice for you, but just wanted to say that I think you are feeling very normal feelings.

Erika, mama to three beautiful kids (plus one gestating), and wife to one fantastic man.

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#5 of 20 Old 05-28-2008, 10:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks.

This is just consuming me lately and making me depressed. I don't get a 6 week appt with my midwife. I have to go back to my OB because I have some health issues my ob is treating.
I am so sad I don't get to see her again!
Those 2 days I was in the hospital and my midwife came to visit me, I feel like I bonded with her more than I have ever bonded with my mom in 30 years! Sad but true. I pretty much grew up without a mom. Like I said earlier my midwife probably doesn't know how much I think of her. I will never tell her because I don't want to look clingy or weird. She is an AWESOME person and a great mom and grandmother. I would give anything to have a mother like her! I admire her so much!
I called her today and told her I think I have post partum depression. She offered to call me in something to which I said I'll think about it. I didn't tell her how I miss her or miss being pregnant. I don't even know how I would say that?

I would write a letter thanking her for the great birth experience but I thanked her on the phone the week after I had my baby. Would it be silly to write her even though I've already thanked her? There is so much emotion that I don't even know what I would say. I am not good with words. I want to say more than just "thank you for the great birth experience" but I don't know what else to say.
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#6 of 20 Old 05-29-2008, 04:21 PM
 
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#7 of 20 Old 05-29-2008, 05:19 PM
 
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s

I understand!!!

Oh, I have the biggest girl crush on both my midwives and can't wait to get preggers again so that we can hang out. I *heart* them both so very much. My last appointment with them kinda snuck up on me and so I tried to have them over for a thank you brunch that never happened and a series of exchanges of weird emails, but I know it was all b/c its just one of the weird things about midwives and such. Mine were in my home every week, knowing my dogs, hanging out. It was professional, but also so very intimate. In the end, they have to give that energy to other mamas who need it. I gave them a gift and a card to express how much they mean to us and we still exchange emails now and then.
Although its sad I can't see them all the time, 3 things make me happy. 1. There are other mamas getting great love that need it 2. I am so grateful to have been able to have had such an incredible relationship with them for the time I was able and 3. Aren't I lucky when there are SO many women with birth professionals(OBs and midwives alike) that they distrust and can't bond with that I was able to have TWO who I had the utmost faith and trust in.
But thats 11 months later. At first it was hard. Hang in there mama. Those hormones just exacerbate some already crazy feelings. Hold on tight and try to enjoy the ride .

S, mama to boy M(6/07) and baby girl R(7/10). We do all the good natural family living stuff!
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#8 of 20 Old 05-29-2008, 05:48 PM
 
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I could have written this post and I thought I was such a freak too. I am 9 month pp and still miss my midwife. I love her so much and I really don’t think she knows the bond I feel with her. I am not emotionally attached to my mom at all. I miss my appointments and even though I don’t want to be pregnant now, I dream about getting pregnant so I can go back to see her.

My midwife is very open to visits and phone calls so that has helped. I have been there for 3 visits since we were done and stayed about an hour each time. She loves chatting and seeing my baby. I call her every now and then but it’s more for advice on breastfeeding, hemorrhoids or something related to woman care.

I don’t know if the feelings will ever go away but it’s so nice to hear some other moms feel the same way.

I miss my midwife dearly but like someone else mentioned, I find comfort knowing that she is providing great care to other woman who love her just as much.
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#9 of 20 Old 05-29-2008, 06:43 PM
 
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Mindy,

Consider going to a therapist who works with women Postpartum. It would really help you sort though all these unresolved feelings the birth has brought up about your own mom.

Your feelings about your mom and the transference of your emotions to the midwife should be examined closer. Especially since you said the midwife is someone you barely know and was not your primary provider, she triggered such overwhelming feelings, and it's good to recognize what that is all about.

There are so many issues postpartum that have to be worked out and examined so you can be the emotionally healthy to your own child, especially when you have a difficult complicated relationship with your mother.

Sometimes forgiveness to our own mothers is very healing when we become mothers.


Best wishes to you!
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#10 of 20 Old 05-29-2008, 07:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks

So you all think it would be weird to mention to her how I am actually feeling? I was thinking about doing just that. It's seems like a common issue from reading the replies. Maybe she has had other women go through this and can give me some advice. Or do you think I am just being hormonal? If it would be weird stop me before I say something....
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#11 of 20 Old 05-30-2008, 11:16 AM
 
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#12 of 20 Old 05-30-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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So, so normal. Your midwife would not think you are a freak! She would be flattered and honored. Plenty of women have strong attachments to their midwives... especially when they don't have other attentive, understanding, like-minded women in their lives. I second what a pp said about maybe finding a counsellor to bridge the gap?

Peaceful mama to three blissfully-birthed and incredible small people: dd10, dd7 and ds5. Always awed and so thankful to be a midwife.
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#13 of 20 Old 05-30-2008, 03:48 PM
 
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It's very normal, but I think it pays to be careful in how you deal with it with her.

I skipped my 6wPP visit after DS was born and I really regret it - I needed to see her again for the closure and I really felt sad about not seeing her anymore after he was born. I didn't really get over it until I was pregnant again and started seeing her and I told her how I felt, and she apologized for not following up with me about the 6wPP visit as well. She said it's hard on them too sometimes, since they miss us as well.

If I were you, I'd call if you can get an appt - you said she said to call anytime, right? Otherwise (and perhaps afterwards) I would write a letter for closure and not expect to keep it going after that.

WAHMama to Allen (2-10-05) and Alexa (6-27-08)
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#14 of 20 Old 05-30-2008, 04:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by agnieszkaj View Post
Dewi -

Not the OP, but I was wondering how one goes about finding a competent postpartum therapist? My crunchy mw sent me to one that is *supposed* to be good - and my mw believed the hype - but actually the therapist was *not* good, especially for a crunchy mom. I need to find one who is not going to judge me for co-sleeping and who actually understands that my amazing and natural birth brought with it some issues.
First I would call all the therapists in your area from the list http://postpartum.net/local-support/
Also ask in your tribal area for recommendations. You have to click with the therapist. So talk to all of them on the phone and meet in person for a consultations with the one or two you click with on the phone, don't give up until you meet someone and like them.

A good therapist for you and who can help you does not necessarily need to live her life like you (it's nice, but not necessary). She just needs to be professional enough to respect you, understand you and be supportive and non judgemental. kindness and able to give you ideas to help you examine your life and feel better is the key.

It is not a bad idea for you to be asked to examine your ideas about parenting, that is all part of it, if it is healthy for you it will stand up to examaniation. You do not want to be too rigid if that is an issue for you, everything gets examined and you then have an opportunity to discard what i s not working in your life. Many of us parent in over *reaction* to how our own parents treated us, and it is a burden to live that way and be a parent. We do things we don't understand, that get in our way.

It is unlikely a therapist will ever tell you how she lives and raises her family. I can tell you that most good ones raise their kids from a basic human development point of view which is not labeled "AP" but is not very far off from how most of us raise our kids. Very attentive, nurturing and kindhearted and they breastfeed and have natural births.
In my area that is the norm for many!
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#15 of 20 Old 05-30-2008, 04:23 PM
 
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I had a feeling of attachment to the nurse in the hospital after my c-section. She was only there during the epidural procedure and 2 hours after that taking care of me post-partum. But I still remember her..so its totally normal to be attached to a MW or a doula who are with u for so much more.

Pari, Student, Job Seeker and mom to K (2006) and A(2011)
 

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#16 of 20 Old 05-30-2008, 05:52 PM
 
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Even if you have to see the OB for medical reasons you should still contact the midwife and see if she could do a PP visit that was more focused on processing your delivery and all of that. It might offer you some nice closure.
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#17 of 20 Old 05-30-2008, 06:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So what is the consenus here? Would it be weird to tell her how I feel then? Or should I just let it go?


I'm not sure what the point of an appointment would be if I can call her anytime. I have her home number that she gave me and said I can call her. (and I do if I have postpartum type questions).
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#18 of 20 Old 05-31-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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It's not "weird" to call her, but you might want to know why you need to do this again.

What is going on besides your thoughts about the midwife? You do not have to act on every feeling, or thought.

Do you need to tell her you're not feeling like you are adjusting as well as you would like. Do you need to call her and ask for a local referral for help or to a mothers group in your area or a therapist?

How are you feeling emotionally in general?
Have you been having any intrusive thoughts?
PPD is an umbrella for a host of mood disorder issues, you do NOT have to feel "sad" or "depressed" to have a pp mood disorder.
Do you feel overly anxious, worried, repetitive intrusive thoughts?

How about your mother, or mother in law, or friends, have you reached out to them?

Sorry for all the annoying questions :-) Ten days postpartum is a point of concern for the onset of PPD symptoms.
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#19 of 20 Old 05-31-2008, 11:49 AM
 
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I think the idea of heartfelt thanks and admiration in a note is superb. As a doula, I keep all of the ones I have ever received and treasure any pictures or visits I get.

I don't know that I'd go deep into it with her, and I bet you won't have to, she'll understand.

This is interesting to me though as the last birth we had it was only my DH there until the last 5 min. when our doula arrived (and video taped him being born) and my attachment (those feelings you are feeling) was to my DH this last time. First time that has happened. I really thought that was interesting. For me I think it's a hormonal, situational response of attachment from the experience - whoever was there when you "needed"...

Let yourself feel the feelings, keep in touch with your MW periodically and write her a nice note now. I think those things are all healthy and will help you walk through your situation.

I felt a real attachment like you are describing the first time and never visited a professional to talk it out... it faded into what I'd consider generally normal "high admiration".

Good luck Mama!!!

Mama to 4 amazing little people, another little expected 3/6/12!
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#20 of 20 Old 06-01-2008, 02:54 AM
 
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I feel the same way about my midwife. She's one of the kindest people i've ever met in my life.

I emailed her a really long email about how much i appreciated her and admired her. We still talk in emails occasionally and i send her pictures of my son.
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