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#1 of 6 Old 10-24-2011, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Where to begin.......

 

 

Example 1: Let me preface this by saying, that at this point I am feeling like DH just isn't as supportive as I would like but I need to gain some perspective or need a reality check from someone else (ie am I really being too sensitive or am I justified in my feelings?)

 

This past week I started Bradley Method classes, and because my husband is military and we are currently living about 3.5 hours apart (we have some extenuating circumstances).  I went by myself, happy to do so because our situation isn't new and I'm used to it.  It was hard though, being alone with all the other husbands there.  I did talk to the instructor and she was very understanding and welcoming to the fact that DH couldn't be there.  She did ask if he would be able to make any classes, and I'm thinking to myself that surely DH would take the time off to make at least 2 or 3 of the 12 classes(they are on Thursday evenings).....so I call my DH up and listen to him talk about his day and was starting to get frustrated that he still hadn't asked me how the class was.  Anyway, I ask him it would be possible for him to take off to come to a few classes and give him all the details and tell him I will give him plenty of warning to which classes I would like him to attend (he is the kind of guy who needs lots of warning; read: not spontaneous at all, very pragmatic).  His reaction was the most disappointing thing ever....he was noticeably put off.  So, I hung up on him and cried a lot.

 

He then later wanted to know why I hadn't chosen a class closer to him, because he found one on Sunday evenings (it had started in September so this really wasn't an option, but he didn't bother to check the dates).  That would mean committing myself (the pregnant lady) to driving at least 3 extra hours in addition to driving to see him, for 12 weeks straight.  It just seemed so self-centered to me.  I responded by telling him that just wasn't reasonable, and I wasn't even asking him to come to all 12 classes.

 

He later apologized and said he would work it out with his schedule (this part I am happy about it) because it was so important to me....which made me cringe even more...its like he doesn't get it at all!  This isn't about ME, its about US!  Shouldn't it be important to him too?!?!?!?!?!

 

Example 2:  I am going to visit my best friend this weekend, and we are going to a halloween party(this is also the same town where his sister and her family live).  I asked my husband a month ago if that would be ok, I didn't expect him to make the drive....he said sure, that he would go on a necessary work task (he's a pilot).    I then ask him if it would be possible for him to fly to where I am going.  He said he would talk to his flying partner, and so a week later he is good to meet us Saturday and will be hanging out with my best friend's family and myself and also meet up with my brother and his gf that night.  So yesterday I find out that his twin brother is also going to be in town....ok great, except this halloween party really isn't his scene.  

 

I call him to discuss sleeping arrangements, and he says his sister has generously offered to let us sleep there (me, him and his flying partner), to which I remind him there is a big group of us (6 total) and that won't work.  I also tell him that I will pick him up from the airport and bring him back to my bff's house, which he doesn't seem that jazzed about.  So, I just tell him that his brother can pick him up and we'll meet up later (this isn't really what I want).

 

I tell him that the whole situation doesn't feel right, that my bff has mentioned several times that she hasn't seem him since NYE last year...and he responds that he chooses him family over her (which means me too, at least how I see it).  Plus, it doesn't feel good to meet up with my husband for just a few hours instead of spending our time together.  So, I'm crying to myself at this point....and I text him that he is no longer obligated to spend any time with me or my friends.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm genuinely upset.

 

SO.....can someone give me some perspective.  And thank you to whomever has read this!  I realize I'm too "detail-y"....

 

 


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#2 of 6 Old 10-25-2011, 06:41 AM
 
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It must be so hard to have him far away while you are pregnant. I understand that you really wanted him to be there for the childbirth classes, but I can also see his perspective that the drive is really long just for a class. Bradley is very husband-centric and while there is a lot to learn alone, going to Bradley classes alone is really only benefiting from half the cost of the class. Have you given him a copy of Husband Coached Childbirth yet? While a lot of Bradley instructors suggest reading it while taking the class, I think it would have helped DH so much more to read it before he took the class, so that he would know a little more about what he was getting into. Does your DH expect to be available to you the moment you go into labor? Whether he is or not, you sound like a great candidate for a doula during birth, considering that he may well need help to support you if he isnt going to go to all the classes or really take initiative to learn about what he needs to do to help you. It would be great if he could read the book and then arrange to be at the classes that focus on how to physically support your wife. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

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#3 of 6 Old 10-25-2011, 08:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't disagree with his perspective, which is why I never expected him to make it to all the classes. I don't normally just jump into things without doing some research first, but that's exactly what happened with the Bradley classes....I knew they were "natural childbirth" classes but that was it and now feel kind of silly about the whole thing but feel like its still possible for him to benefit a little-the plan being for me to pass on the knowledge I learn from the classes when we see each other on the weekends or via skype. Living apart is starting to wear on both of us, and I will be moving where he is in a few months.....we are birthing at home which is why, in my mind, the classes sounded like a good fit.  

 

Do you have any other suggestions for birth classes?  Our midwife offers Lamaze, but there aren't any classes scheduled for the rest of 2010, and EDD is Feb 5th. Yikes!

 

We both just got a copy of "Husband Coached Childbirth" and am hoping that will help him understand the role I am kind of expecting him to assume.

 

Nothing about our situation has been easy the past two years, but we both just aren't as patient about it as we used to be.

 

Thanks for the input.  lol.gif


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#4 of 6 Old 10-25-2011, 08:45 AM
 
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Nope, I think the Bradley classes are great, even if you have to go alone. I would really suggest talking to the teacher and seeing if she has plans for exactly which weeks she is planning to practice physical stuff (like DH supporting you while you are squatting, ways that he can hold you to relieve pressure, ect) so that you can ask him to come to those classes or maybe ask someone else to go with you (friend or mom?) so that you get a good idea of what those things feel like. My instructor had a syllabus, so it was easy to see which classes were set aside for that. I think we had 4-5 "practicing for labor" classes, and if nothing else those would be really awesome for your DH to attend. If you are birthing at home, I wouldnt worry near as much. Honestly, a lot of Bradley is focused on how to deal with interventions, how to say "no" to interventions, how to make sure that you are able to relax in a hospital setting, ect. If you will be at home, that is about half the classes right there that he can probably do without attending. You have a midwife, great, that takes a lot of pressure off of him. Your midwife will be there with you for most of the time that you are laboring, so its likely that your DH will be support, but no necessarily the person you are relying on for helping you get through labor.

For example, in my situation, we birthed in the hospital where nurses were wanting to continuously do exams, check fetal heart rate and contractions, ect. I needed DH to help me fight to be able to birth the way I wanted to, and if he didnt know 100% as much as I did, I would have had to rely on someone else. It sounds like your situation will be a little more relaxed to begin with, so he should be fine with you passing along info and him reading the book. I also highly recommend The Birth Partner an excellent book for husbands to read, and there are lots of lists so it can be read in increments very easily.

Im glad you are moving to where he is. Will that happen before of after baby comes?

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#5 of 6 Old 10-25-2011, 08:48 AM
 
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I have no advice, it all sounds very fustrating and hard. As for childbirth classes: what do you want to know? Coping techniques? Physiology?

For coping and support I'd recommend hypnobabies, there is a partner's guide you can give to him. There is some very basic phsiology. Does your bradley teacher, have a private class option? That might be something you 2 could do and then he can be there for all of it.


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#6 of 6 Old 10-25-2011, 10:56 AM
 
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I was going to reccomend hypnobirth or hypnobabies too. I know that you can buy the program and use it as a self study, and the pain management is internal so if DH isn't around...

 

I don't think DHs in general understand how sensitive we get and that we NEED them to be there and make US their first priority. This is my 3rd and I just hit a point with my DH where I'm like DON"T YOU GET IT!?! I NEED YOU! So I think part of the sensitivity is normal AND pregnancy induced. I think he needs to make more of an effort, and you probably don't need to be as hard on him. The situation your in has to be making things worse. I'm sorry :/


Wife since 2004. Mommy to DS (2005) and DD (2008) and my hopefully VBA2C baby DD due Feb 2012!

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